by T L Bradford
“What just happened?” I say once he has finally caught his breath.
“Sometimes…I have these anxiety or panic attacks. They come out of nowhere.” His eyes are still downcast. I continue to look at him and make sure he is okay.
“You scared me there for a second. The last thing we need is a set scandal. Knowing Steph and Genie, they would probably write it into the script.”
I hear a small low chuckle come from Noah and I flinch a little. I’ve never heard him laugh before. It breaks the tension. He shakes his head and then looks up at me.
“You’re right. They would.”
I stand up then and take a seat next to him on the couch. He is still clutching the water bottle and playing with the cap. Then he says the last thing I ever expected to hear.
“I’m sorry.”
I’m not sure how to respond. He’s made the past few weeks so awful I want him to know how much he has made me suffer, but I’m also too exhausted to be fighting with him any longer. So, I say, “Okay.” Then Noah scoots back on the couch and drops his head backward on the pillow.
“Was I that bad?”
“Worse.” I follow it up with a half-grin on my face.
He stares up at the ceiling. “I never could have envisioned my life this way.” I take this as an opening to probe further and ask him a follow-up question.
“Where did you see your life?” I ask sitting back on the couch as well now looking over at him.
“I figured by the time I was this age I would already be an established actor on the stage. By the time I was 35, I would have won a Tony. I’d have it all, the big fancy house, the expensive cars, the supermodel on my arm for the Oscars and a villa in France.”
“Oh yeah? Those are pretty lofty goals.”
“Yeah, well, those are all dreams. Instead, I’m probably going to end up married to you.” He says this so deadpan; I almost don’t catch the joke. Then I see the corner of his mouth rise and the dimple pop out of his cheek.
“Holy shit, Noah Sinclair just made a joke.”
“I’ve been known to bust out a funny every once in a while.” He turns his head slightly, and those eyes are on me again, this time with pure mirth.
“Noah, I swear I just can’t with you.”
“Well if you haven’t read the next script yet, then we’re in for a lot of trouble.”
“What do you mean?”
“Looks like we just became boyfriends.”
I really should have read that script.
Chapter 12
Noah
It feels like a giant weight is off my shoulders by that afternoon. I didn’t realize how much the situation with Josh was affecting my mentality. The ice had thawed, but we still had a way to go if we were going to make this work. Josh has left the room for this outfitting, and I sit alone now to run my lines.
I decide I need some fresh air to clear my head and go to sit outside. Ash sees me and detours to come to talk. He’s a good guy. I enjoy working with him. Our natural camaraderie shows on-screen as well. It makes it easy to see why Jace and Beau are friends.
“Noah, my man, wassup!” He comes over and gives me our usual bro-shake. “Not much man, just doing my usual.”
“You’ve been busy lately, I see. How are things going with Josh?”
“I’m not even going to lie to you. I know you guys are friends, so you’re aware things have been strained to say the least.”
“I would call it more like World War III, but hey, what do I know?”
“We had it out today. But I think it was needed. We’re working on it.”
“I hope you guys get it cleared up by next week or that kiss scene is going to be awfully awkward.”
“Don’t remind me,” I hold my head in my hands.
“So, uh… are you doing a lot of research for that? Are you going straight method or what?” he jokes.
“Man, don’t even start with that. And no, there will be no rehearsals.”
“I don’t know; practice makes perfect.” I hit him hard in the arm, and he falls over laughing.
“Well, it looks like things are heating up for Gracie and Beau, too,” I say, trying to deflect from the uncomfortable track this conversation was taking. That makes him stop laughing. He then gets quiet and looks around like someone may be watching us.
“Look, there’s something I’ve meant to tell you…” But he never gets to finish because Olive shows up on cue and when she sees me, she starts screaming and jumping.
“Oh my god! You and Josh next week! It’s happening!” she squeals.
Ugh, I can’t seem to get away from this. I want to get up and leave. “I guess you read the script.”
“Yes! I think it’s so cute. You guys are going to be the new It Couple! Aren’t you excited!”
Jesus, will this day ever end?
We finish shooting for the day, and I’m beaten. Earlier, Ash had made me promise to go out later to Traxxx. I think he has something he wants to talk to me about, but I can’t imagine what. The place is packed. Crowds make me jumpy, so this is not my cup of tea. I spot our group in a back corner in a booth and make my way over. It’s Ash, Olive, Sarita, Josh and Gemma. I figure it’s worth it to have come out tonight if only to spend some time with Gemma.
Jaws drop as I sit down in the booth. “Say it isn’t so! Noah Sinclair once again gracing our presence! It must be a miracle. Someone get the Pope!” This is from Olive, who sits sipping the world’s girliest drink I’ve ever seen.
“Ha-ha, very funny,” I sit down and slide into the booth next to Gemma.
Ash jumps in. “What are you drinking Noah? It’s on me.”
“White Russian.”
“You got it!” He gives my order to the server. I see they have all had a few already. Gemma looks fantastic in a little black dress that is hitting her in all the right places. I must remember I don’t have a claim anymore, so all the guys scoping her now are fair game. Then I look over to Josh, who is seated beside her. He has gone back to his boyish look, with the front of his dark blond hair hanging low on his forehead. He looks at me and gives me a genuine smile. I smile back.
Ash challenges me to a game of pool, and we are off. It feels good to get back out again. It’s been so long. The TV is on so we can watch the episode live tonight where Max makes his first appearance. When Max comes on the screen, everyone jumps and hollers. Josh is blushing red. Some other patrons recognize Josh from the TV and come over for autographs and selfies. It’s fun to watch him experience this for the first time. He looks excited, but a little overwhelmed as well.
I win Ash 3 out of 5 games, and we call it quits. The girls are dancing, and Ash goes over to join them. Josh is over by the bar, so I go over and take the stool next to him.
“So, how does it feel being a celebrity?” I ask.
“Incredibly surreal.” He widens his eyes and looks bewildered by the whole process. I see his hazel eyes also have flecks of gold in them.
“Wait until you get to the conventions. There you meet the hard-corest of fans.”
“I bet.” Then he takes a slow sip of his beer. “How do you deal with it?”
“I think about how grateful I am to be in this position and how I’m getting to do something I love every day. You know if you channel it right, you can do a lot of good with your stardom.”
“I see, ‘With great power comes great responsibility,’” he quotes Spiderman.
“That’s about right.” There is an awkward silence, so I order another drink. As I do so, I look over to the dance floor and see the group gyrating to the music. Olive and Sarita are dancing together, and Ash and Gemma are dancing close. Real close.
Josh said something which I didn’t hear. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”
“I said I’m sorry too, about earlier.” His words grab my attention back from the dance floor. “Sometimes I know I can lay it on a little thick. I’ll uh, work harder to respect your boundaries, okay?”
“Yeah, no p
roblem, man. You know this is the great thing about guys. We can dish out our issues and get over it. If you were a girl, we’d still be pulling each other’s extensions out.”
“Amen to that.” We clink beer mugs.
He gets quiet again, “So uh, does that happen to you a lot?”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“You have panic attacks? I’ve never seen anyone go through it. I figured if we’re going to be working together, I should understand what triggers you, so I don’t set you off again.” He says it lightheartedly, but I can tell that he was truly concerned.
“It’s not something I talk about, but yeah I’ve had episodes over my life. Sorry, it had to happen in front of you.”
“It’s okay man. We all have our stuff.” He looks away and takes another long sip of his beer. It appears as though he wants to share something about himself, so I take up the gauntlet and ask.
“Since I’ve been such a douche for so long, I haven’t even asked you how things are going. Do you like being on the show?”
He smiles his patented Josh Hill grin, “It’s been pretty awesome, present company aside of course.”
“Of course.” I outwardly chuckle.
“Yeah, I feel like I’ve found a home here. It’s a lot more work than I ever imagined, but it’s all coming together slowly. I had an appointment today to see an apartment, so hopefully, that pans out. I’ve been roughing it on a friend’s couch for the past few weeks. Pretty sure I have permanent back damage now.”
“Really? I didn’t know.”
“Yep, had to crash in the dressing room a few times when she had company. If you know what I mean.”
“So that’s why the room would look like prom night at the Ramada Inn sometimes, eh?”
“Busted! I had nowhere else to go, man. But things should be changing soon.”
“I hope that works out for you.”
“Thanks.”
We chat at the bar for a while and catch up on some basic life details. I find out that when he played football in high school and college, he wasn’t the quarterback, he was a tight end, whatever that is, and that his sister is actually his twin. He says they have a freaky twin mental connection that creeps the rest of their family out. After getting a new place, he’s looking to get a reliable car to get to set. He’s a vegetarian which I would never have picked up from just looking at him, and he loves Sci-Fi and Horror movies.
It starts to get late, and the rest of the gang gathers their things to leave. They say their goodbyes. Josh and I keep talking at the bar about random details from our lives. Eventually, he circles back to the topic from earlier.
“So, did you ever get panic attacks before big performances at school?”
“No.” He’s edgy to ask me, but I know he’s trying not to pry too much. I take a breath, “I was bullied all through my school years. The same group of little shits would torture and humiliate me on the daily.” He puts his beer mug down and looks over at me with genuine concern in his eyes.
“I never would have guessed that. You come across with such confidence now it seems impossible.”
“It wasn’t always like that.”
“Did you get any help?”
“Nah, that would make it worse. As you can probably attest to, I wasn’t too popular.”
“I could never understand why kids pick on other kids like that.”
“Well, when you’re the class joke, you don’t have to look too far.”
“I wasn’t going to bring it up, but since we’re talking… does this have anything to do with what I heard earlier today in the dressing room?”
It’s confirmed. He did hear me. “I was a bullied, lonely kid. At some point, I started to turn into myself and hardly ever spoke. When I did speak, I was so shy and terrified that I developed a pretty bad stutter. Now, whenever I get nervous or anxious, my speech impediment comes back. Not a great quality for an actor.” I have been drinking way too much because I can’t believe I just admitted that to Josh.
“I can’t imagine what that must have been like.”
“I have coping mechanisms now, so I can better control them; it only happens now when I get anxious.”
He turns around fully on his stool to face me. “You know if you’d like we can run lines together if you think it would help. I have some good techniques for helping me memorize the lines that may work for you.”
Putting my beer down, I turn to him and see his expression. It is one of compassion and not the pity I had expected. “Sure, that would be great.” I look around Traxxx for what is probably the first time in at least an hour and see that there are only a few folks left. I think they work here and are waiting for us to leave.
I’m tipsy and know it’s time to call it a night. My head feels so light I can’t tell if it’s from the alcohol or the conversation.
Chapter 13
Josh
This past week has been a complete 180-degree change from last week. Having it out with Noah was the best thing to happen to us because now we are moving past it. Finally.
Noah opened up about his issues with stuttering and panic attacks, so we have been running lines together as opposed to separately. Even more astounding is that he has been able to keep this from everyone in the crew for so long.
We are the primary focus this week on the show, so we have the vast majority of the dialogue. I’m glad to be helping Noah as he has been struggling to recite so many lines. We have been rehearsing for a couple of hours today, and I’m starting to lose focus. I’m also hungry and consider going out to grab some lunch.
“I’m starving. Let’s go get something from craft services.” I whine, throwing the script down and laying back on the couch. I can’t read another line.
“We haven’t even made it to the end of scene four yet. Come on. You will survive. I promise.”
“Ugh,” I say like a petulant child, picking up the script again. We are approaching that scene, and I need a full stomach to get through it. We continue for about five more minutes; then I wuss out again.
Unable to take my unbearable whininess anymore, Noah relents, and we get some lunch, under the deal that we go back to the room to eat it.
“Okay, you’ve got no excuses now. Let’s finish this scene.” He acts like a grade school teacher. I pick up my slice of cheese pizza and get on with business. In the next scene, Max makes his move on Jace. I’m grateful we are doing this run through in the room with no one else around. Part of me is afraid I’ll choke and not be able to get through it, the other part of me is thinking like a 10-year-old kid who is not going to be able to stop giggling.
As it turns out, I’m more adult than I thought and play the scene as written. The mood turns serious when Max approaches Jace. We had not discussed what we would do when the characters make physical contact, but I assume we are going to save it for the taping. My heart starts beating a little faster when Max makes his move, unsure of what to do; I look up to see what Noah is doing so I can get the right reaction. When I do, I see he is gazing at me in that way that makes my stomach flop. His gaze holds my eyes then moves slowly down to my lips.
I’m not sure what is about to happen. Are we actually playing out the scene? Maybe we should? At least that way it would get the awkwardness out of the way. I feel my breathing increase, and my hands start to sweat. I look down to his lips; they are firm and full. He has a little scruff of a beard today, so I wonder what that would feel like against my skin. He almost leans in, then just as quickly I feel him emotionally retract again. His eyes dart back up to mine, and he stares at me as though he has no idea where he has been for the last few seconds. Then his eyes dart away back to the script, and he sits back.
“I think that’s enough for now. We can move on to the last scene.” I detect a little breathlessness in his words.
“When are you coming home, anyway? It’s been over a year since you came back,” Chloe says. I’ve been so busy lately, I have not had much time to call.
“Aren’t you rich yet? God, you suck,” she pouts on her end.
“I may have a new place. If I’m approved, I could be moving in next week.”
“Does that mean I can come out to visit you now without fear of getting carjacked or shived in the ribs?”
“Ah, always the dreamer aren’t you? But seriously, this place is nice, and it has a pool.”
“Be still my beating heart. So, things are working out there? How’s it going with Noah? Has he lightened up yet?”
“Things are getting better. It was hit or miss there for a while.”
“Good, because I was ready to jump on a plane and go cut a bitch.” Did I mention how much I love my sister?
“Thanks, but I think I’ve got it covered. You can put your machete away.”
“Alright if you say so.” She’s unconvinced. “Oh my god! Guess who I saw today?” She drops the subject completely. I swear that girl is like a cat on a laser pointer.
“No idea, who?”
“Harmony.”
That’s one name I did not need to hear today. “Really? Oh…”
“She asked about you. She said she saw you on Americana. She hopes you are doing well.” I bet.
“What did you say about me?”
“I said you were really happy living the dream you always wanted in Hollywood.” She pauses for a couple of seconds. “And that you were filthy rich and living like a rock star.”
“Way to lie sis. I wouldn’t trade you for the world.”
Harmony is my ex-girlfriend. Her name is complete irony. We dated through high school and part of college until she dumped me my Junior year. It is a wound that hasn’t completely healed. I learned a hard lesson with her, one that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
“Well, I have to go but get your ass here soon! I need my wonder-twin back!” She tries to lighten the mood, sensing my displeasure from Harmony.
