by T L Bradford
It’s a popular song, and lots of people get up to dance and grind. By their third song, the dancing between Noah and Kai has gotten raunchy. Noah looks up at me a few times as if to taunt me. I take the bait and jump up to start some mess when I see Ash look over at me. He puts his hand on my chest, then pushes me back down onto the seat.
“Play it cool, man. You don’t need this getting out. I think I saw tabloid reporters here.” I douse him with a dark scowl, and I see a concerned look on his face when he walks away.
At some point, Noah rips himself off Kai and heads back to the bathroom by himself. You can bet I was hot on his heels. He sees me and curses.
“You think that’s funny, huh? You think it’s funny to flaunt your new little boy toy up in my face?” I’m slurring heavily.
“You’re drunk.” He turns around, trying to avoid me, but I won’t let him.
“Don’t you walk away from me!”
“You’re making a scene!”
“You think I’m making a scene? What the hell do you call that shit you were up to on the dance floor, huh? You’ll go out and grind on some random dude in public at a club, but you can’t even be seen with me? How the…hell is that right?” I’m starting to sway and feel the walls beginning to shimmer. “Do you like taunting me? Is that your game? Am I just a game to you?”
“You were never a game to me, and you know it.” Noah’s getting angry.
“Wait, was that past tense? Did you already move on and not even have the decency to tell me?”
“What are you even talking about? See, I knew you weren’t ready for this! I told you. For the last time, Kai and I have never done anything that would damage what you and I have together!”
“Now, see right there, your argument changed from the last time we had this conversation. The last time you said there was nothing between you and Kai but friendship, but now you say you haven’t done anything damaging, meaning there may be something between you, you just haven’t done anything about it yet!” Spittle flies from my mouth on the last statement.
“Jesus Josh, you sound like Olive now. Get a fucking grip and sober up before you end up saying something you regret.”
I rush up to Noah and grip the front of his shirt in my fists.
“I want him to know that we’re together!” I scream out. I hear myself and know I sound pathetic.
“Get off of me! Do you know why I’ve been distant? This is why! You don’t trust or respect me!” Noah is shouting and pushing me away. Just then, I see Ash out of the corner of my eye. He grabs my arms and pulls me off of Noah.
“Let’s get the hell out of here Josh, you’ve had too much to drink,” Ash says. As he pulls me away down the hall, fighting the whole time, I see Noah getting further and further away, and the entire time all he is doing is shaking his head in disgust.
I get as far as the parking lot before I’m barfing my guts up on the sidewalk. Ash tries to take care of me and move me along before anyone sees me. I must have blacked out in his car because I remember nothing after that.
Chapter 37
Noah
What in the world was he thinking? I’m fuming mad at Josh. Jesus, he nearly outed us right here at Traxxx in front of a crowd. Thank God Ash showed up and was able to take him out. I’m all out of sorts by the time I walk back to the booth. Kai is sitting with the rest of the gang looking bewildered.
“Did Ash just leave with Josh? I thought I saw them go by?” asks Gemma.
“Yeah, Josh had too much to drink. Ash is taking care of him.” I see the looks that pass between the gang. They think it’s my fault Josh is going off the deep end.
“Hey, Kai, look I think I need to get home. Josh is in a bad way. I have to make sure he’s okay.”
“No problem, man. See you tomorrow.” I catch the look of disappointment in his eye as I grab both mine and Josh’s jackets.
Before going home, I drive around to clear my mind. I hate to walk into the shitstorm I’m sure to face as soon as I walk through that door. Instead, Ash is sitting at the kitchen island on his phone, probably texting Gemma. He tells me Josh is already in bed and he has placed a trash can next to the bed in case he gets sick again.
“Noah…I don’t try to get up in your business, but dude, Josh is my buddy, too. Whatever you’re doing here…it’s killing him. You gotta know this.”
“I don’t mean to hurt him.”
“Yeah…You may not mean to, but damn, you’re there grinding on another guy right in front of him. What the hell is he supposed to think? If you’ve got something going with Kai fine, but, you’ve gotta let Josh know what’s up, and if not, then zip it up because that shit ain’t right.”
“You’re seriously going to sit there and give me a lecture on honesty? You know, just because I’m letting the thing with Gemma go doesn’t mean that I was okay with what you did.”
“Look, before we go down this road, I’m not making this about us. This is about Josh and what a shitty thing you’re doing to him!”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about, and this is none of your goddamn business! I think you need to leave.” I’m practically hissing at him.
He gives me an incredulous gaze, then picks up his phone and keys. Before he leaves, he turns around and says to me. “I regret telling him to stick it out with you. You don’t deserve him.” And with that, he goes out into the night.
I walk into the room and hear the soft snores coming from Josh’s direction. Taking a towel from the bureau, I head to the shower. I wash off the grunge of the day. All the sweat and booze. If only it could wash away my guilt and shame as well.
In my defense, I’ve never lied to him. I’ve been completely honest about being with Kai. I’m not deliberately trying to make him jealous, but I can’t deny I have a strong connection to Kai. I enjoy my time with him. I don’t want to sacrifice my friendship with him to appease Josh’s unfounded suspicions. There has been nothing shady going on between us.
Unlike Josh and I who are two very different personalities, but still somehow compatible; Kai and I are startlingly similar and had an immediate bond. What has drawn me to him is our similar histories. We have each experienced hardship, stigmatization and isolation. This is a part of myself that has not been relatable with Josh.
It sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it too. I’ll admit to that at least. Together they balance the two halves of my life. Josh is fun, supportive, caring, and sensitive, even when I’m a total asshole. He never gives up on anyone. It’s that persistence and his strong lifeforce that keeps me wanting more. He challenges me in ways I never thought possible and admittedly has made me a better man.
Kai is a steadfast part of my life. He is considerate, cultured, logical, and most of all, empathetic. This has been so important to me during my transition to this new lifestyle. Kai is almost a mentor to me, without him even knowing it. He has shown me how to engage with and embrace my new lifestyle. But that’s all there is. My heart is still very much with Josh.
Despite the strong feelings I have for Josh, lately our relationship has been very challenging. He’s making me feel under pressure all the time to have us come out and address being a couple. I don’t think this should be only his choice. He can’t tell me when I’m ready. I have so much more to consider that goes beyond just my own public profile.
I think he has unrealistic expectations for our own safety when it comes to being out. He thinks the world is a warm and receptive place for gays just because his experience has been so positive with his friends and family. The fact is, it is still a very dangerous place for us, even in these times.
Conversely, Kai has experienced the downside of his sexuality. He’s had a tough life that he down-plays. I respect that he has been able to go through all these trials and still come out on top and with such a positive attitude. These are the things we discuss when we’re together. I have yet to tell him of my past, but I can relate to his in so many ways.
Josh mentioned
before that I tend to pick the low hanging fruit, choosing to always take the easy way out. Being with him was a rare departure from that path. With him, I’ve discovered things about myself I never thought imaginable. Some good. Some bad. Some very, very bad. There is a dark part of my soul I have never acknowledged, and some part of him brings it out in me. It is a possessive and selfish monster that eats me up inside. The lust I have for him helps fuel it.
I lose my mind and act on dangerous whims. This scares the hell out of me because I can’t control it. I realize even though I never knew it existed in me before, it sure as hell was always there. I can love him and hurt him all at the same time. This is a part of my dark nature that even I cannot understand. Maybe I’m more like my father than I ever thought possible…
Josh stirs and rears up on his arms like he’s ready to bolt from the bed to the trash can, but then he regains control at the last minute. When he looks up, he sees me, then rolls his eyes and flops back down on the bed.
In the dark, I hear him ask softly, “Do you have feelings for him?”
“Josh, you need to relax and get some sleep. We’ll talk about this when you’re sober.”
“Do you have feelings for him?”
“Didn’t you hear me? We’ll talk later.” I feel my irritation spike.
“Do you have feelings for him?”
“Stop with this already!”
“For fuck’s sake, tell me the truth! Are you in love with Kai!?!”
His sharp tone startles me. Hearing Kai’s name makes me stumble and blink. It’s too late, though; he saw my moment’s hesitation. “What are you talking about! You are everything in my life. You are what I care about. You are what I want!”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“I’m not in love with Kai.” It’s true.
“But you want him. Don’t you?”
I don’t answer in pure frustration. Instead, I turn around and put my head into my hands.
Josh’s expression drops to a blank mask; then he starts slowly shaking his head and mouthing no…no…no… and backs up on the bed away from me. He thinks I just gave him the confirmation he’s been waiting for all this time. “You lied.” His voice breaks. “You lied to me this entire time.”
“I didn’t lie. This whole situation is getting out of hand. We need to step back for a moment.” I need to get control.
“What was it? What happened? Did I do something to you? Was I so awful that you had to look elsewhere? It makes no sense to me, so you have to explain it.”
“You have this all wrong, Josh.”
“If you’re going to sit here and imply that you’re interested in someone other than me, then you owe me an explanation!”
“It’s not like that! Jesus, are you even listening to me? Shit! Kai doesn’t even know about me.”
“What doesn’t he know about you? You mean, he doesn’t know that you’re gay?” He puts extreme emphasis on the last word, knowing that it bristles me. “Because if you really think that he doesn’t know, then you’re only fooling yourself.”
“Kai has never made an advance on me in the entire time we’ve been together.”
“Together, right.” He’s mocking me.
“You know what I mean, just hanging out, spending time together, whatever you want to call it.”
“Foreplay.” I refuse to respond to his answer.
“So, in other words, Noah, you’re leading him on.”
“I am not leading him on.” I’m practically growling.
“Okay, if you’re not leading him on, is it just that you want the attention then?”
“No.”
“Well, then what do you want?”
“I want you, Josh!” I’m nearly manic at this point.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Goddammit! Everything with you is high drama all the time now! I can’t take it sometimes! I feel like you’re always analyzing us and pressuring me. You overthink everything that happens to us. Your overly emotional and I don’t know how to deal with it. With Kai it’s different, with Kai it’s….”
“Easy,” he supplies.
“Yes, easy!” Then I blanch at my own words, which prove what he’s said about me all along.
“I’m sorry I’m not some emotionless cyborg like you. I’m human. I have my own thoughts and feelings, and unlike you, I’m not afraid to express them. You see, that’s what real humans do. And for the record, if it weren’t for me having these emotions you can’t handle, we would never have been together. Those same emotions led me to one conclusion. I love you!” His face is resolute when he says this. “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you. Not like this.”
My heart breaks when he tells me he loves me. “Josh, I want to be with you, only you.” My voice begins to break.
“No, I don’t think you do anymore, not like before. You have to be honest with yourself and figure out what you really want.”
“I don’t have to think Josh. It’s you! We can still make this work!”
“How? You want us to be together? Then let’s really be together. No more secrets. No more lies. No more hiding.” He’s challenging me. My shoulders drop, and I break eye contact with him, signaling my reluctance. “I didn’t think so,” he says, deflated.
My heart sinks with his words. “You are the most important person in my life…I just need more time. You promised you wouldn’t leave me.”
“How much more time, Noah?”
“I don’t know,” I say, defeated.
“Time’s up.” Josh gets up out of bed. This time he is the first to leave.
Chapter 38
Josh
Idon’t look back. I keep on moving forward, scared that if I looked back, I would see him and give in. I can’t do it anymore. I refuse to be anyone’s dirty little secret. It’s over. I leave everything behind for the moment, taking off the Omega watch and leaving it on the kitchen countertop. I grab my keys for the guest house from the hook by the door. I make my way there stumbling in the dark, then close and lock the door tight behind me. I go straight to the bathroom and vomit repeatedly. After my stomach has calmed down, I shower and wash off any remaining puke from earlier. It’s only then that I mentally breakdown. My legs are unable to contain my weight. My back slides down the tiles of the shower, and I slump to a heap on the shower floor, crying until there are no tears left to shed.
It’s only been about an hour since my encounter with Noah, but I’m already regretting leaving him there alone at the house. What the hell is wrong with me? The dick nearly admits he’s taken with another guy and all I want is to have him back? How pathetic am I? I tell myself I must be strong and that this moment will be the hardest I have to go through.
I drag myself out of the shower after my fingers and toes become waterlogged, then crash out on the bed. I would have thought I’d have a fitful sleep, but instead, I sleep hard, not waking until I hear the loud pounding on my door. I peek out through the blinds at a side window and see that it’s Noah. I don’t open the door. Eventually, he leaves, looking frustrated.
I’m thankful it’s Sunday, so I don’t need to report to the set today. I sit in my dark bedroom and mope all day. I don’t feel capable of eating or even watching TV. I turn off my phone and huddle under the blankets. Noah comes by again that evening and knocks on the door. Again, I don’t answer, but I hear him trying to talk to me from outside.
“Josh, I know you’re in there. Please, just come out and talk to me, babe.” I peek through the blinds again. He looks disheveled. I guess he didn’t get much sleep last night. He keeps running his hands through his hair and pacing around the front step. “Jesus Christ, open the door! I need to see you!” Noah tries to look into the windows but sees its dark. “I was wrong! I’m so fucking sorry! Please baby.” His voice breaks on his last words. Then, when I expect him to leave, I see him sit on the front step and put his head in his hands and weep.
I guess he’s human after all.
&n
bsp; Chloe calls me that evening. I’m so embarrassed by my failing. I don’t even want to tell her what happened between us. When I answer the phone, I see the background photo that Noah took of us when he “pinned” me. I remove it right away.
“Hey, wonder-twin, where the heck have you been? I haven’t heard from you in like two weeks!”
“Sorry, Chloe, I just had a lot of things going on.”
“Sometimes, it’s not just about you. You could call to ask how I am occasionally.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been self-absorbed. What’s going on with you? How’s the new nursing school? Do you like it?”
“It’s okay. I knew it would be tough, but damn, it’s really kicking my ass.”
“You’re smart; you’ll do fine. You always do.”
“Have you talked to our elder siblings?”
“No, anything up with them?”
“Zach has a new girlfriend.”
“Shut up! Who’s the poor victim? I mean girl?”
“He met her at the Youth Center. She was one of the teaching aids. They hit it off. He’s really happy.”
“No, shit? Wow, that’s great.”
“See, you’d be more in the loop if you bothered to call your family once in a while.”
“Alright, I get it; quit with the guilt trip already.”
“How’s Noah?”
“Fine. What about Archer? You guys, still hanging out?”
“Yes, we are, when are you and Noah coming back to visit?”
“It’s really busy here, Chloe; we’ll just have to wait and see.”
“Are you going to make it out for Thanksgiving this year?”
“That’s still months away.”
“I know, but I have to schedule things so far in advance just to get time with you anymore.”
“I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you come out here?”
“Do you mean it?”
“Yeah, why not?”
She screams into the phone so loud; I must pull it away from my ear. “Can I come and visit the set too?”
