by T L Bradford
“That’s not what I saw, Josh.”
“What did you see, then?”
“Love. You’re still in love with each other,” she gasps.
“That’s not true,” I shake my head in denial and desperately cross the room to reach her. She backs away from me, holding up her hands.
“I can’t do this with you anymore. I thought, maybe, just maybe this time.”
“No, no! Sarita, I want this with you!” I try to hold her, but she keeps backing off.
“I won’t be the fool this time. Consider this a favor. I’m letting you go.” She goes back to the bedroom and closes the door. I follow behind intent on fixing what I fucked up; only she has locked her door. I pound on it demanding entry, but she doesn’t budge.
“Sarita, give me a chance! Please!” I cry. Nothing. I think I hear a small sob from the other side of the door, but all else is silent. I feel my heart crashing into a million little pieces. I’ve ruined what we had together. Where do I go from here?
I sit slumped at the base of her door knocking and pleading until I give up and lay there on my back, knowing she will need to come out eventually and I will be there to win her back.
The next morning, the sound of the door lock clicking wakes me. Sarita pulls the door back slowly. I sit up, and she passes into the living room where she sits on the sofa. She is fully dressed, with her hair and makeup perfectly in place. I take a seat right next to her and attempt to put my arm around her and apologize. She stops me.
“Let me say this before I lose my nerve.”
I withdraw my arm and say, “Okay.”
“I’ve had some time to think about this. I don’t want you to think this only came about last night, because it hasn’t. It’s been building for some time.
“When most people meet me, they don’t think I’m capable of deep or affectionate love because I come off as cold or aloof. That’s just the way I am. You saw through that. You saw me as a person who could love another just as I always dreamed of someone loving me. For a brief period, I got to experience that type of love from you, and it felt so good. I’ll never regret it. You made me believe I was more than the sum of my parts. You saw me as complete. And I loved you, Josh. I really did—”
“Sarita—” I interrupt.
“—Let me finish. It’s because you taught me that valuable lesson of what love is, that I was able to see it first-hand. I saw a love that defied all the odds, a love that wasn’t selfish or competitive, a love that existed solely because it was willed into being. But…it wasn’t between us.” I sit back on the sofa and brace for her next words. “This is the love I see whenever you look at Noah, or he sees you and, Jesus, neither of you are even aware the other is looking. That’s the kind of love I want.”
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know that. It just didn’t work out. The problem is all of me will always love you, Josh, but only part of you will ever love me back. And I’m a selfish girl.” With her last words, I see tears well in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I wanted this so badly for us. I really did Sarita.”
“I know.” She leans forward and kisses me gently on the lips.
“Well, I guess now we finally know the honest answer to my question.”
“What’s that?”
“The answer is boys.” She teases lightly through tears.
Realizing this is what she asked me the first time we were together, I let out a small snort.
“For once in my self-centered life, I’m going to do the right thing.” She leans back on the couch. “So, this is what it feels like, huh? It’s painful, unpleasant, and my gut hurts…it feels just like cramps.”
Despite myself, I let out a chuckle. As I lean over to hug her, she whispers in my ear, “Go find him before I change my mind.”
When I leave Sarita’s place, I’m in a daze. My girlfriend just broke up with me, and I should be devastated. But there is something else in my system that’s making me feel anxious and unsettled. I keep replaying what Sarita said to me earlier, unable to sweep it from my mind. I’ve never doubted I still harbored some feelings for Noah, that is to be expected. After all, he was my first real love. What I didn’t expect was the draw I would still have for him after all these months.
When I confronted Noah yesterday, he’d said since I had moved on, there was no reason for him to tell me whatever it was he had to say. Was Noah trying to tell me that he felt the same way? That he loved me too?
I owe it to myself to find out for sure. I just blew up a relationship with Sarita for this; I’d better get some answers. It takes a while for me to work up the courage to go back to Noah’s house. I chicken out at first and head over to the guesthouse. I sit in silence on the couch, debating if I should go over or not. After all, how pathetic would it be for me to go there and then find out he’s still not willing to be out with me. I would be heartbroken and humiliated.
As of last night, he still couldn’t say how he felt about me. I’m unsure what is holding him back, but it’s a deal breaker if he cannot even say the words. I don’t have to contemplate long, because I hear a soft knock at my door. It can only be him, so I get up to answer.
Noah stands before me, sans sling, in a lightweight navy-blue sweater and jeans. His hair has gotten much longer over the fall, and his dark wavy bangs hang just over his eyes. The sides are grown out as well, giving him a messy, sexy look. Not fair, Noah. Not fair.
I don’t say a word, just let him enter. As he walks past, I am assaulted by the smell that is all Noah, a clean light ocean spray scent that always heightens my senses. I need to get control of these impulses because we have serious things to discuss, and they cannot wait.
“I saw you drive up on the monitors. I wanted to talk to you. Yesterday was such a mess. I owe you an explanation.”
We move toward the living room; I sit down on the couch across from Noah and settle in for the ride.
He begins, “There have been so many times I wish I could turn back the clock. If I could, I would go back to that day at the Pride Festival. When you touched me, I would have pulled you into me. I would have let you comfort me. But I didn’t. I was a coward.
“What I did instead that day was make you into everything I thought was wrong and vile about being a gay man. That’s what you embodied to me. You were a weakness I had no control over. You were the culmination of all the bullying and taunts I suffered. You were the fists that beat me mercilessly until I could no longer stand. As long as I was with you, I was every depraved thing my father made me out to be.”
He casts his eyes down and continues, “My whole life, I was reared to be one thing — his perfect son. But I was far from that. I was flawed. I was broken. I was beyond repair. Then came you. You broke through, and you laid me bare. Josh, you had the power to mend and shatter me at the same time. You became a permanent part of me. A part I never wanted to acknowledge could exist in me.
“In my perfect, structured life, you were the one thing I never saw coming. It happened so hard, and so fast it was like a freight train coming straight toward me with no brakes. But you did the impossible. You changed me. Before you, I was hollow inside. I filled my days with a meaningless routine to get through to the next one. I was not living. With you in my life, I was no longer an empty person. I was filled. Filled with your caring, your playfulness and love. You made me a better man.”
Tears begin to well in the corners of his eyes. Noah takes a deep gulp to continue. “Once I was happy, the guilt set in. It was my self-hatred that would not allow me to love or be loved by another person. I felt like I deserved to feel pain. I’d been told my whole life what a waste I was, and yet here you were. And you kept fighting for me. Even when you really should have left me. It made me want to push you away even further. I could never understand what it was that you saw in me. I felt I was worthless with nothing of real value to give. I would only burden you with my problems.
“I’m not making any excuses. I mad
e a lot of mistakes, and I hurt you in the process. I was selfish and self-centered, and if I could start all over, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
I stop him here. “Noah, I trusted you and opened myself up to you like no one ever before. I laid it all out on the line and gave everything I had. I risked my family, my career and my friendships all for you. Then you turned your back on me. The one person in the world I thought would be there for me through anything, had reduced me to be little more than a mere footnote in his life. That killed me, Noah.” I try not to, but I begin to sob. “And then you acted like I was the insane one when it was you who began to change.”
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
“No, no, no, sorry, isn’t good enough. We’re long past that. The only way I could even think to accept you back into my life is for you to prove you have changed because these are just words. And if you can’t back this up with some action, I’m sorry, but anything we ever had will have to end. Do you understand that? You have to earn me!”
Noah is fully crying, his body racked by sobs. I make no move to comfort him. I need him to know I am serious. When he gets control of himself, he says, “I will earn you back.”
After several minutes of silence and sniffles, I finish what I have to say to him. “You said you could never understand what it was I saw in you. I’ll tell you. What I saw in you then, is what I see in you now. You are everything to me. I bless every day I get to see you, because Noah, wherever we are, you are all I ever see. I can always feel you before I even see you coming. You fill every sense in my body. I’m powerless when I am with you, and it scares the hell out of me.” I reach over and touch the side of his face. A tear runs down the side of his cheek, and I catch it with my thumb.
“Kai and I…we tried…it wasn’t right, but I knew that all along. I made the biggest mistake in my life. I lost you, and now, it’s too late.”
“When I asked you to choose what you wanted, did you choose me?” I ask, feeling the most vulnerable I ever have.
“Yes, I chose you; it wasn’t even a question in my mind. I wanted you. I always did.” His words come out broken and gasping.
“Then, no, Noah, it’s not too late.” He looks up at me, confused.
“But…what about Sarita?”
“We tried…it just wasn’t right.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. In fact, thank her because she is the reason I am here right now.” I finally see a spark of hope in his eyes.
“Is that true?”
“It is. Now, what was it you never told me yesterday?”
He looks up at me, reaches his hands across to grab mine in his warm ones. Noah stammers out, “Josh, I, I, I, love you.”
“I love you too.”
I see his entire body relax. Noah stands up, taking my hands and bringing me up with him. “No more lies. No more secrets. I want to be with you. And I want the whole world to know you are mine.” I search his eyes for truth, and this time, I see it there.
Those are the words I’ve always wished to hear come from him. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I can barely stand, I’m glad he is standing next to me to support my legs.
Next thing I know, Noah’s tilting my head back and kissing me, softly and tentatively at first. He barely touches me as though I may break or vanish at any point if he moves too quickly.
Needing his touch, I make a move to deepen the kiss and draw him in closer to me. That was all the encouragement he needs because Noah is all over me, groping and feeling me everywhere. He runs his hand over my ass, and I moan into his neck. He pulls away from me wild-eyed.
“I know this should be a tender moment, but shit, I need to have you. Now.” We don’t waste any time. He is dragging me down the hall, pulling off pieces of my clothing along the way. He trips and falls halfway with his pants down. I laugh and pick him up. I toss him over my shoulder, careful not to hurt his arm, no easy feat mind you. Then I deposit him in the middle of the bed. He rips the shoes off of my feet and tugs at the jeans around my ankles. I do my best to get them off with my own feet as well. It’s a frenzy of movement as we tear each other’s clothes off as quickly as possible.
Seeing Noah in his full glory again is pure heaven. I take a minute to run my hands up and down his chest and abs. His flesh is hot to the touch. He feels familiar, but still new and exciting to me. I carefully roll him underneath me and gently kiss the purple bruises around his arm and upper chest. I try not to put too much pressure on him, so I have him lie back, and I straddle his thighs. I reach over to the nightstand and hope the condoms and lube are still there. After rummaging, I find it. I sit back on his thighs again and rip open the condom package with my teeth. I roll it over his shaft, then squirt the lube. I massage it into the condom and then into myself. I proceed to impale myself on top of him. It’s fast, hard, and dirty, but that’s exactly what we both need right now. I have to satisfy the urge. He holds tight to my waist, keeping his eyes on mine the entire time I writhe in pleasure. I open my mouth and scream silent moans of arousal.
Falling into our rhythm, I ride him hard. I see his eyes move lower down my body and rest on the place we are connected. Then his eyes roll back in his head as he lets the ecstasy of the moment take over. Silver-green gems attach to my face yet again, and his good arm reaches up to rake his large hand through my thick blond hair. He grips tight, pulling me down toward his mouth, harshly. I drink him in. God, he tastes so good. How did I ever think I could live without ever feasting on that mouth again?
Noah moves his hand between our bodies and slowly begins to jack me. Being on this high, I know I won’t last long, and I am right. I sit back up, and Noah thrusts up full and deep into my channel as I bear down on him. He hits my prostate, and it’s all over. I’m releasing over his chest. He continues to fuck me through my orgasm; only then does he permit himself to cum.
We are both a sweaty, sticky mess. I collapse onto his chest, and right away, he puts his arm around me and holds me tight to him like he never wants to let go. He remains inside me, not wanting to leave my body, while slowly massaging my scalp with his other hand. As I drift off to sleep on his chest, the last thing I hear him whisper is, “I love you, Joshua Hill.”
I see thin sunrays appear behind my closed eyes. I don’t want to open them, though. I want to make this time last forever. I’m afraid if I open them it all will have been a dream, so I hug my pillow closer around my chest and squeeze my eyes tighter. Then I feel a gentle nudge against my lower back. It was real. Noah is here with me. The pressure of his chest against my back is warm. He’s always liked to sleep across my back, cocooning me against the sheets.
As he stirs awake, I feel pillow-soft lips graze along my back. I arch my back like a cat and give him full rein to caress my body up and down. Eventually, he makes his way back up towards my mouth. I turn my head to the side to capture his lips. I finally open my eyes and see a sexy bed-headed Noah hovering over me. He is smiling widely, dimple on full display. I wish I could keep this image of him forever, suspended in time with him. It’s an incredibly ethereal moment. Noah’s eyes are fully dilated, a state that happens when you are viewing someone you truly love. In this case, it’s me.
He sinks back down to lie against my back again, bringing that needed warmth back. “Good morning,” he says. Then he takes his hand and rakes it through my hair, making small waves. “How do you feel? I hope I didn’t hurt you.” His other hand moves to my backside and cradles me to indicate exactly what he’s talking about.
“I’m good; I feel really good.” I’m not sure what time it is, but last night seemed to last forever. He had me so many times I lost count. We’ve barely had any sleep.
“It wasn’t my intention to make up for so many months in one night, but I couldn’t help myself. I had to have every inch of you.”
“Lucky for you, I’m nobody but yours.”
His expression changes to one of deep contemplation from the playful one seconds ago. “You’re mine.”
I feel him swiftly enter my channel from behind. I hold on for dear life as he plunders me yet again. I lay my head into the large pillow beneath my head and chest and feel the friction of the sheets against my stomach as he ruts into me forcefully. I cum within minutes.
Then he flips me around, so I am on my back beneath him. He takes my mouth and doesn’t end the kiss until we are both struggling for air. “Tell me what you want.” He has a serious dark tone to his voice.
“You’ve never asked me that before.”
“Now, here’s your chance.” He has a wicked glint in his eye.
This is a new Noah. One who is more open and dangerous than the day before. I think before I open my mouth. Then I answer him. “I want to fuck you.”
I don’t stammer or blink, I come full force with my request, and I don’t back down.
He is taken aback, I can tell. “I never knew you felt that way. We’ve never really discussed this before, so I honestly just assumed this was what you wanted.”
“Don’t get me wrong; I do love it. I love everything you do to me. But I’m ready to experience you.”
“Wow, okay, I’m sorry I wasn’t expecting it, but, yeah, we can explore that.” He is flustered and beginning to blush. I raise my hand to cup his cheek and soothe his worries.
“Not this very moment, just sometime in the future, when we’re both ready.” He visibly relaxes a little, then smiles.
“Okay, babe.” I caress his cheek and place a small kiss on his lips.
“I love you,” I say.
“I love you too. I was thinking about something last night. It’s really important to me, and I hope you’ll agree.”
“What’s that baby?”
“I want us to come out together. I’m ready. The only thing I ask of you is that I can tell my mom and Jacob first. I don’t want them to find out from anyone else but me.”
“I love that idea, and Noah, I’m here to support you; however, you need it. Remember, my family is your family now, and they love you as well.”
“You’re wonderful; you know that?” I grin up at him, unable to take my eyes off of him. “And that is one of the reasons I would like to ask you to come to Tennessee with me this weekend to tell my family.”
