It was for all these reasons and moments of past proof, that I knew I could not ignore it if Kya thought there was something there from Ryan’s side. It was Ryan, though—my friend Ryan. Could I even think about him as something more than that?
Although I had expected the thought to totally gross me out, it didn’t. Not even close actually. Ryan was probably the nicest guy I had ever known. He was funny and sweet, and we had a ton in common. Ryan was also really easy to be around and to talk to. There was no weird guy behavior there.
If I was honest, he was actually really good-looking. He got a lot of attention from other girls, which he mostly just blew off. Sometimes he would go on one or two dates with a girl but, inevitably, he would end up telling us that he had ended it because she was either ditzy, shallow, or one of Ryan’s other pet peeves, rude to wait staff at restaurants. Ryan believed that you could tell a lot about a person from the way they treated waiters, or really any person in the service industry. He would have nothing to do with people that were rude to such people.
It was admirable, really, and something that had struck me after I had broken up with Brandon. On our first date, Brandon had been really rude to the lady serving us at the diner we went to for burgers. I had actually been embarrassed. Maybe I should have known right then that he wasn’t right for me. I wondered if Kya had known that Brandon and I weren’t right for each other. If she had, she had not said anything. Perhaps she had just wanted to be supportive, and I knew full well that if she had said anything I never would have taken any notice anyway. I had been far too wrapped up in Brandon to acknowledge that anything was wrong until it was too late. I hoped that I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
It was strange that I had never thought about Ryan in that way before, but now, I could not stop thinking about it. The idea filled my mind like a seed that had been planted and overdosed with steroids. In seconds, it bloomed and took over.
“Are you weirded out now?” Kya asked. “Don’t act weird around him, please.”
“No, I won’t. I’m actually strangely not weirded out by it.”
Kya’s eyebrow lifted, and she got a sly smile on her face.
The idea of Ryan as more than a friend somehow fit. I’d had male friends before that I would never in a million years consider as possible boyfriends, but with Ryan, it wasn’t a huge stretch.
“I guess I’ve just never thought about it before.” I definitely wouldn’t be asking him if he was interested, though. My mind was definitely not on getting into a new relationship at this point. I would also be far too embarrassed if he balked at the question and asked me if I was mad. That would, no doubt, totally mess up our friendship.
“Well, you guys are going to have plenty of time to explore whether it would be a good fit for both of you at college.” Kya winked. She seemed genuinely happy for Ryan and I that we were going to the same college. I had been really worried when I found out that she was going to feel left out, but she had handled it really well. “It’s the way it has to be,” she had said when we had first discussed it. Now she continued, “I know things are going to be a bit different between us after we go off to college.” She didn’t sound sad, more matter of fact than anything, and I was relieved.
It was true, I guessed. We could not stay frozen in our final year of high school forever, as much as I would like to because, well, it was just easier. Life was going to move on whether we liked it or not, and we had to be ready to move with it. If I could, though, I would stay here, sitting barefoot and cross-legged on Kya’s bed, until I was old and wrinkly.
“I am going to miss you so much, Kya.” I could feel my eyes misting over. We had seen each other almost every day of our childhoods and teenage years. It seemed an impossible feat to picture my life without her.
“Ah, Abby.” She reached across the bed and hugged me, our schoolwork tumbling into a mixed pile on the bed. It made no difference because we had made almost no progress anyway. “I’m going to miss you too. Things are going to be weird in the beginning, there’s no doubt about that, but we will adjust. There are so many ways to stay in touch. I know our friendship is going to be different, but we’ll always be there for each other no matter what.” She sounded so grown up and mature about it, while I just wanted to throw a tantrum and tell the world to stop because I wanted to get off.
Although I knew this to be true, and likely we would both be so busy with college and this new stage of our lives that we probably would not have much time to miss each other, my heart still ached at the thought of us being so far apart. I wondered if Kya would come visit in Chicago, but realized that her schedule would be the same as ours for college, so she would be at school and likely have no time to travel.
On the other hand, at least I would still have Ryan. Kya was going to be all on her own, although I had no doubt she would make friends quickly. I tried to imagine what it would have been like if Ryan had decided to go to a different college, and I simply could not form the picture in my head. I knew that plenty of friend groups split up completely when it came time to go to college, but I just wasn’t ready for that. There was too much happening in my life right now for me to lose everything at once.
I thought about Ryan again and tried to picture being more than friends with him. A relationship between him and I would definitely be supported by our parents. My mom would probably be overjoyed. When Ryan and I had first become friends, in fact, she had been convinced that he was my boyfriend, and the more I told her that he wasn’t, the more convinced she became. After watching us interact for a while, she eventually relented on the fact, but I knew that if I went to her at that moment and told her that Ryan and I were dating, she would positively explode with happiness. I would hope that the same would be true for Ryan’s parents. I had always had good interactions with them too, and they never minded me going over to their house.
I tried to push the idea out of my mind. It was simply too much to process at that point.
Kya glanced at her watch and looked up at me with mock seriousness on her face. “Okay now we really need to get these assignments done.”
We both laughed at how distracted we had been and buckled down to get some work done. I had written three sentences of my physics assignment. I still found it difficult to concentrate, though, with the idea that Kya had put in my head.
She, on the other hand, seemed quite pleased to have offloaded this thought onto me, and I wondered how long she had been carrying this for. She made it sound like this had all been a rather recent revelation to her, but I suspected that she had been thinking about speaking to me about this for a good while. And now, it was my load to carry.
Gee, thanks, Kya, I thought fondly. I actually didn’t know what I would do without her keen instincts next year; she was so good at summing people up.
As I did my best to focus on the electrical circuit work I was supposed to be explaining for my assignment, I could not keep Ryan out of my mind.
Did Ryan really like me as more than a friend, and, if so, what was I supposed to do about that?
7
After what felt like the longest week in history, it was finally Friday. I really wanted some time to myself to sort my head out.
After my chat with Kya, I had briefly considered skipping my jog that morning. Only very briefly, though. I had lain in bed considering my options. My rational brain knew that I was probably pushing myself too hard and I should take a break and let my body get back into a natural routine. That rational thought was soon overtaken by an immense sense of guilt. It was exactly this kind of lazy thinking that had resulted in me ruining the first bridesmaid dress shopping trip, and I could not allow that to happen again. It was unfair to Jen that the whole group had to work around me just because I was so undisciplined.
So, I threw my legs over the side of the bed and pulled on my running gear. I would do it for Jen, even if she had no idea I was doing it.
The neighborhood was still asleep as I pushed myself along the p
avement, hoping that maybe today was the day when running would finally get easier. I hoped that every day. My midway break at the bench in the park was longer than usual as I struggled to catch my breath. Gasping and heaving, I was grateful for how empty the park was at that hour.
I sat with my head between my legs attempting to rid myself of the spinning world view that had suddenly overcome me. It was pretty amazing how your body forced you to stop when it didn’t want to go anymore, but what my body didn’t know was that I wasn’t planning on listening to it.
When my breath finally slowed and my surroundings were back to behaving in a scientifically normal way, I continued with the second half of my run at a far slower pace—only because I could not actually go any faster without seeing stars again. At least if Kya asked whether I had taken it easier, I could say that I had. It wouldn’t be a complete lie, just one of those partial ones that I had become so accustomed to telling—although not necessarily by choice.
I could leave that bit out, though, and not feel completely terrible about it.
I was relieved to reach my own doorstep, having realized that if I collapsed in the park, no one would know I was there. It was actually quite risky if I thought about it, but I hadn't at the time. My mom would wake up and perhaps think I had just left for school early, and I would eventually be found by a homeless person or a park ranger. That was if I was lucky. I could be found by a serial killer! I allowed myself a moment to wonder how they would identify me as I carried no identifying documents. Of course, I never took my wallet or anything like that with me when I ran. They could use my phone, I supposed, as long as it had not run out of power by the time I was found. That was a possibility too.
I pushed the silly notion out of my head. Stop making stupid stuff up, Abby, I chided myself. I was just being lazy and coming up with excuses because I wanted to lounge around like a slob instead of pushing myself.
I was not going to collapse in the park because I wouldn’t allow myself to. I would stop when I needed to, rest and regain my footing, and then go again. It was as simple as that. Eventually, I was sure, my body would realize that I was not going to give in to its attempts to stop me.
By the time I had showered and dressed, I felt vaguely like a human being again—only very vaguely, though.
There was always a different buzz in the hallways at school on a Friday. It was almost a palpable energy between students that was not there on any other day, except maybe the last day of the school year before summer holidays. If you had an electrical meter, you could probably measure it. On other days of the week you were far more likely to see a sea of grumpy faces as students navigated the week ahead in their minds, thinking about upcoming tests and other high school challenges. The faces got increasingly less glum throughout the week. On Fridays, everyone just seemed far happier as two whole days stretched ahead without tests, teachers, and for some, detention.
For me, this Friday meant a double math class, which although for most would be the equivalent of horror and boredom, I looked forward to. I realized it made me a complete nerd.
I spotted Kya at her locker and made my way over to her. She was also looking far happier than on any other day of the week.
“Hey, Abby,” she said as we hugged. “TGIF!”
I laughed at her excitement. “Totally,” I said with conviction.
Her eyes lingered over my face and I noticed her brow crease slightly in concern. “You look really tired, Abby. Damn, your bags have bags.” She was referring to the dark circles under my eyes. She leaned in to examine them more closely, and I really wished she wouldn’t. I had tried to hide them with concealer, but even after applying a full face of makeup, which I didn’t usually do for school, I still looked like the walking dead. Now I just looked like a zombie with makeup on.
“Yeah, I know.” I yawned to confirm my exhaustion. “I think I need to get some sleep this weekend.” Kya had finished rearranging her books for the day in her locker, and she shut it with a clang. All the lockers were so old that they did not close properly if you just shut them. They all needed a good whack. At this time of the morning, the hammering shut of lockers was like the soundtrack of the school hallway.
“Did you go running this morning?”
I hadn’t wanted her to ask the question, and now I was trapped. The only way out was to at least partially lie. I steadied myself for the story. “I cut my route in half and didn’t push so hard.” It was a blatant lie, and I felt terrible, but after our chat about my missing period, I had to show her that I was trying to put less pressure on myself. If I told her that I had really struggled to even get home, I had no idea how she would react, but it definitely would not be good. I really did not want her digging deeper or pushing for more answers. She had to believe that I was trying.
“I think you should just not run for a week at least. Just give your body a break.” I made an agreeable noise and was grateful when she changed the topic, as she tended to do. “Oh, my goodness, I cannot wait for a Rocky Road milkshake this afternoon.”
Although Friday afternoon milkshakes with Ryan and Kya were a standing tradition, it had completely slipped my mind that I would be expected to do that this afternoon. The reminder set off swarms of butterflies in my stomach. They lifted up and did dive bombs and aerial pirouettes in my gut. Although the thought of my usual hot chocolate-flavored milkshake with whipped cream topping triggered excitement in one part of me, another part of me started to think about all the ways I could get out of the meetup. Sickness, tiredness, busy with something else, Mom said I’m not allowed to…
I didn’t say anything at that moment, thinking the conversation about me overexercising had been too recent for me to start pretending to feel ill or have something else on. Kya would undoubtedly make the connection. I had never missed a Milkshake Friday with Kya and Ryan, and I would hate to start when we had so little time left together, but I just could not picture myself sitting there that afternoon. I had to prioritize at this point, and that just could not come before the challenge I had set for myself.
For the last few Fridays, I had joined in with the milkshakes even though I hadn’t really wanted to. I could because on Fridays we all sorted ourselves out for dinner at home, so I could skip dinner completely without anyone noticing and get an extra run in instead. That made me feel better about enjoying all those empty calories.
As I made my way to math class, I thought about whether I could do the same this week. At some point I had to stop taking these loopholes if I really wanted to make progress, but by the same token, I had so few Milkshake Fridays left with Kya that I really wanted to make them count. I would have all the time in the world to have milkshakes with Ryan at college, but with Kya it was different.
I tried to push the concern to the back of my mind as I slipped into my seat and Mr. Harper, my math teacher, started explaining differential equations.
He was certainly not one of the most popular teachers, and although the subject he taught was probably the main reason for it, I had to admit that he was also frightfully dull. His voice was monotone, and even his appearance screamed that he was trying to fade into the background. His suits were consistently gray, and what remained of his hair was slicked back against his head tightly. It was lucky for him that some of us actually enjoyed his subject, or we would all likely be asleep by the end of the double class.
As it was, when I looked around, I noticed people yawning and stretching, doing their best to stay awake.
Ordinarily I would have no problem focusing on the subject matter, but today I was seriously struggling. All I could think about was the milkshake that was going to be forced upon me later and the fact that it was going to take a major effort to avoid it.
Despite the fact that I had been looking forward to my double math class, when it was over, I remembered very little. I would have to try to get notes from Ryan and then explain why I hadn’t been paying attention in a subject I loved. In fact, by the time the clock struck 2:
00 pm and it was time to go home, I had no idea what I had done that day. All I could think about was the fact that I was going to have to decide whether I was going to have a milkshake that afternoon.
On Friday, school was an hour shorter and we didn’t have a full lunch hour, just a short snack break, so that made it easier to avoid the Major Lunch Conversation that always haunted me.
I had not had anything for breakfast because we’d had pasta for dinner the night before, and it was difficult to eat a really small portion of pasta without looking suspicious, so I had brought a rice cake to school in a Ziplock bag. I had nibbled on it during our fifteen-minute snack break as Kya, Ryan, and I sat under our tree. The rice cake ended up presenting me with an opportunity to start building an excuse that I hadn’t expected.
“Oh, those things,” Ryan exclaimed, looking at my rice cake with disdain. “My mom always gives me those when I have a stomach bug because they are supposed to be easier to eat and light on your tummy. They taste like cardboard! Honestly, I would rather be sick than eat those things.”
Stomach bug. The lie slipped from my lips as Ryan fed it to me without even knowing it. “Yeah, I have been feeling a bit weird too. I think I might be getting a stomach bug or something.”
Both Ryan and Kya looked at me with concern, perhaps wondering if it was contagious, and I was glad when they did not question me about my symptoms any further. I really did not want the lie to have to grow any bigger than it already had. These things seemed to spiral out of control without much effort from me, taking on a life of their own and growing claws, teeth, and rotten roots.
We met up after school, standing to the side of the large ornate entrance to our school as the throng of students pressed out, ready for their weekend to start. You had to stand aside because you did not want to get in the way of a stampede of high school kids on their way out of school on Friday afternoon. The kids that had been yawning their way through math class were now animated and filled with excitement.
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