by Eric Vall
“Caterers?” she asked, unconvinced.
I nodded. “We’ve got a party to set up.”
Chapter 4
“Come on, bro,” Todd begged as we walked out into the backyard. “I’ve always wanted to ride on a chandelier. We can kill two birds with one stone!”
“Oh sure,” I said with a laugh. “Let’s invite a prominent and controversial politician into our home, in front of hundreds of people, and then the chandelier will just happen to fall on him right as he’s leaving. There totally wouldn’t be an FBI investigation into us or anything.”
“Not if the Toddster makes it look like an accident,” he suggested.
“Accident or not, they’d still want to investigate for the sake of transparency,” I explained. “Do you really want the feds following us around for the next few weeks?”
“Small price to pay for something so awesome.” Todd shrugged.
“They’d also be sitting the succubi and me down for questioning.
“Big whoop!” The imp shook his head. “We lie all the time.”
“They’d probably go through all our stuff too,” I fibbed. “Take away anything we owned that’s not exactly legal.”
“Say no more,” Todd said, and then he made a zipping motion with his lips. “That reminds me, bro. Don’t let anyone go into the second bedroom upstairs.”
“Why no--”
Before I could finish my question, Todd jumped up, put his hands on my cheeks, pressed his hooves against my chest, and then looked me directly in the eyes.
“Do. Not. Let. Anybody into that room, bro,” he warned. “They don’t need that kinda scarring in their life.”
“Alright,” I mumbled even though my cheeks were held in place. “Nobody goes in the second bedroom.”
“I’m glad we’re clear on that,” Todd said with a sigh of relief. “Now, watch how I stick this landing.”
Todd let go of my face and then used his tiny cloven feet to push himself back into the air. The imp tightened into a ball and made two or three backward rotations as he fell. Finally, he uncurled his body and landed like a gymnast on the soft grass.
“Ten out of ten?” he asked excitedly.
“Ten out of ten.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “Now, we have a pergola to set up.”
“Per-a-who?” Todd asked.
“Pergola,” I replied. “It’s a like… free standing awning you sit under with--”
“Like an E-Z Up?” Todd snorted.
“Well, yeah, but made of wood and--”
“So, a wooden E-Z Up?”
“But it has vines on the side that--”
“So, a fancy wooden E-Z Up?”
“But it’s called pergola, and it’s--”
“A fancy wooden E-Z Up,” Todd finished for me as he stroked his chin. “Man, rich people use all these fancy words. Sia told me the other day that the drinking fountain in the master bathroom was actually called a bidet. Can you believe it?”
“It’s actually not a drinking--”
“I mean, the water just tastes totally normal. I don’t know why they have to make it all French sounding.”
“That’s not…” I started to say, but then I realized that I didn’t want to be the one to tell him and just cleared my throat. “You gonna help me with the pergola or not?”
“Broooo,” Todd whined. “Why do you gotta make me do shit? You know the Toddster isn’t cut out for manual labor.”
I summoned a small green ember onto my finger and tapped my temple. “It’s not really manual labor if you’re moving things with your magic Hellfire powers.”
“But stillllll,” the imp whined, “why can’t we just have all the cultists set it up when they get here? I could be chilling with a bong and Bigfoot instead of working right now.”
We stepped off of the concrete path that led to the pool and out into the massive backyard of the mansion. A few feet away from the path sat a large pile of wooden beams made out of the finest lumber available.
Or at least, the finest lumber I could find online at such a short notice.
“If we work together, this will literally only take a few minutes.” I pointed to the pile and summoned my green flames. “Besides, the sooner this thing goes up, the sooner we can order food. I’m sure you’ve got the munchies like crazy.”
“Always do.” Todd snickered as a smile spread across his face and he patted his belly. “Ohhhh, can we get a mac and cheese pizza? I saw that pizza joint that’s, like, ten minutes away makes those now. Cheesy pasta smothered with more cheese and pizza sauce? It’s a stoner’s wet dream, bro.”
“Todd, if you help me put this thing together, I’ll buy you a whole mac and cheese pizza all for yourself,” I said with a smile.
“And some garlic breadsticks?” he implored.
“And some garlic bread sticks,” I nodded.
“What about some barbeque wings?” Todd wagged his finger. “You can’t get pizza without the wings.”
“Sure, you can,” I chuckled, “but I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“What about--” the imp started.
“Todd,” I cut the imp off, “I’ll buy you whatever you want. But the more we stand here chatting, the later our dinner’s gonna be.”
“Why aren’t the succubi helping?” Todd argued. “They got magical powers and shit too.”
“We’ve been over this.” I sighed. “Cupi and Sia took one of Quinn’s credit cards and went out to get some formal attire for all of us. We can’t go to a huge political fundraiser in jeans and a T-shirt.”
“Rules were made to be broken,” the imp huffed. “I’m gonna be there in the buff.”
“That’s because you’ll be invisible,” I corrected my friend. “You’re naked all the time, anyway. Thankfully for my retinas, there’s nothing to see.”
“Oh, it’s there,” Todd boasted, “and it’s fucking massive. It’s just all hidden up in--”
“I’m sorry I brought it up!” I shook my head and tried to ignore the imp talking about his dick.
“What about Lib?” Todd asked as he made his way toward the pile of beams.
“She insisted on doing the interior design for this whole endeavor,” I explained. “I dunno why. Say what you will about Robert Quinn, but he certainly had an elegant style.”
“Also a badass cowboy hat,” Todd added. “That was the most important thing of all. Now, how can we get this E-Z Up thing up so that we can go for some grub?”
I reached out with my two glowing emerald hands to engulf the eight uprights of the pergola, and then I slowly moved them into position.
The yard of our new mansion was gigantic, so I had to buy the biggest covering I could find. The end result was an equally large freestanding pergola that was a few thousand square feet all around, and, thankfully, didn’t have to be anchored into the ground.
“You have the most important job of all, Todd.” I smiled and nodded at the tops of the poles.
“I get to be a porn star?” he asked excitedly.
“What?” I laughed. “No. You’re going to climb up the poles and make sure the cross beams fit snugly in place.”
“So you’re saying I get to place these long, hard beams into tight holes?” he asked mischievously. “Close enough.”
Todd let out an impish giggle and then ran over to the first upright. Once he was at the base, he sprang up into the air and wrapped his arms and legs tightly around the wooden pole. Like a flash of red lightning, the imp ascended to the top of the upright using the tiny claws on his hands and feet. Once he finally reached the top, Todd raised his right foot into the air and stuck out his hands in a karate pose.
“If Miyagi could see me now!” He snickered. “Hit me, Jakey!”
I left one hand focused on the uprights and then I moved my other over to the cross beams. I lit the first beam up with a jade fire and lifted it into the air. Carefully, I moved the wooden pole over to its resting place. One end sat on the beam where Todd stood, and the
other rested on the middle upright.
As the cross beam approached, the imp jumped up and grabbed it with both of his tiny hands. He gently guided the wooden beam into the slot on the top of the upright and then violently brought his fist down to knock it into place. Todd hopped onto the crossbeam with one foot in front of the other and raised his hands up into the air.
“This is Todd Masterson’s first attempt at the quadruple front-flip, a move that could very easily net him the gold.” The imp’s voice and expressions went stern as he imitated an announcer. “Will he pull it off?”
Todd let out a grunt and somersaulted forward on the wooden beam, using his hands and feet to keep his momentum going at each half-rotation. He tossed himself up into the sky for a moment and then landed on the end of the pole which creaked as it locked into place.
“And Masterson takes home the gold!” Todd exclaimed. “Ahhhhhhh. Ahhhhh.”
“Bravo, Todd.” I laughed. “Bravo.”
I spent the next few minutes raising up the other cross beams with my green fire, and then Todd would run over and knock them into place. There were only fifteen in total, so it wasn’t long until we were on the last beam.
As it approached Todd’s position atop the upright, I realized that it was just a foot or two short of where it needed to be.
“No worries, bro.” Todd assured me.
Before I could pull the upright closer with my magic, Todd’s right arm turned flesh colored and grew outward. The human-like appendage allowed the imp to close the gap on the beam and pull it into position.
I let out a gasp and nearly dropped the entire structure.
“Oh, this thing?” Todd examined the human arm nonchalantly. “That’s been happening a lot lately. It makes it really awesome to jerk off. Feels like I’m with a stranger, you know? A hot stranger named Todd.”
“That’s… Is it some new power or something?” My voice cracked in shock.
I seriously had no idea what the fuck was going on.
“Maybe.” The imp pounded the beam into place and then shrugged. “I can imitate human voices. Maybe once you’ve banged a few more succubi and are a bit stronger, I can imitate a whole human?”
“Imps are supposed to be tricksters by nature, so that makes sense.” I depowered my hands and released the pergola from my spell.
“Wow, bro.” Todd clicked his tongue. “All these years of friendship, and I never would have pegged you as someone who’d believe offensive stereotypes.”
“I’m not--” I protested.
“I’m just fucking with you, bro.” Todd snickered.
The imp tossed his body down around the beam and slid down the pole like a firefighter.
“Yeeeoww!” he exclaimed when he finally landed on the ground. “It’s gonna be a bitch to get splinters out of there. You think Strawberry Shortcake can fix me up?”
“Sia can fix anyone,” I reminded him. “Hopefully she can turn your hand back into a normal imp one while she’s at it. That just looks unsettling as fuck.”
“I agree.” Todd chuckled and then flexed. “It might be great for stroking the sausage, but it takes a lot away from my sweet imp bod. That’s no bueno.”
I placed my hands on my hips and admired our work. It was a simple addition to the mansion’s backyard, but it made all the difference. The guys from the rental place were gonna show up with the dance floor at any minute, and then Liby was going to put some finishing touches on the structure once they were done.
It was now a yard fit for a king. Or a sleazy politician’s fundraiser. Either way, it was gonna be great.
As Todd and I made our way back toward the sliding glass door of the mansion, I noticed that the imp was having trouble walking with the massive arm jutting out of his body.
“Are you sure you can’t just turn it off?” I asked and stifled a laugh.
Todd slapped his forehead sarcastically with his human hand. “Oh, gee, Jakey, why didn’t I ever think of that?”
“That’s how my powers work.” I shrugged. “Transformational powers are a new one for me, though. What were you feeling when you were reaching for the beam?”
“Going all Dr. Phil on me, I see.” Todd chuckled and then stroked his tiny chin with his human hand. “Let’s see… I was thinking about how I wanted to impress my best friend, and how that wasn’t going to happen if I couldn’t reach the pole.”
“What other times has this happened?” I asked as I slid open the big glass door, and we entered the mansion.
“Well, a couple times when I was slapping the salami up in the second bedroom and thought I heard somebody walking to the door… Once when I thought I lost the TV remote… That one time I was worried about if the two-week-old pizza I was eating was safe. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.”
“So uneasiness?” I pondered. “Anxiety? Uncertainty?”
“Concern,” Libidine’s voice answered from the other room. “Is Todd finally growing to his loyalty powers?”
“Loyalty what now?” Todd scratched his head in confusion.
We walked into the area near the staircase, and my eyes lit up in awe.
Libidine was fluttering up near the ceiling, polishing off the crown molding that lined the ceiling of the entryway.
She had completely redone the room, and it looked incredible. The succubus had replaced the small black table that normally housed the Robert E. Lee bust with an all-white marble piece. On top sat a beautiful lantern with a glowing white candle inside. All across the ceiling now hung retro Edison-era lightbulbs that gave the normally cold room a warm glow. At our feet was a massive black and white rug that took up almost the entirety of the space between the two staircases.
When Liby saw we had entered the room, she fluttered back down to meet us.
“Loyalty powers.” The curvy woman giggled. “Imps are known for their loyalty, like dogs. No offense, Todd.”
“You too, Lib?” He sighed. “What is this, pick on the imp day? I might need some lube if you guys are gonna keep coming at me this raw.”
“I mean no ill-will,” Liby apologized, “but it’s true. Imps are loyal to their masters, and they have magic that arises from those emotions. Normally, it involves shape-shifting, like Todd here is finding out.”
“But how the fuck do I make it stop?” the imp begged and motioned to his arm. “I know some people who skip leg day, but this is ridiculous!”
“Just calm yourself.” Libidine patted Todd on the head. “Meditate. Clear your mind, and it’ll go away.”
Todd grinned mischievously at the succubus’ words.
“You mean like Kenjataimu?” he asked.
“I can already promise you don’t want to ask what that is,” I warned the dark-haired woman.
“I’ve never heard of this ‘Kenjataimu,’” the succubus said with a frown. “Is it a form of meditation?”
“You really don’t--” I started.
“Something like that.” Todd laughed. “It’s that moment post-wad-toss where your mind is totally clear of all emotions and your thoughts are crystal clear.”
“I’m not following.” Libidine frowned.
“Ya know,” Todd nudged the succubus’ leg, “‘When in doubt, whack one out?’”
Liby thought about the imp’s words for a moment, and then her face contorted into a look of disgust.
“Is that a real thing?” She asked in shock.
“I wouldn’t know,” I lied coyly.
“Thanks for the advice, Lib!” Todd exclaimed and then hugged the succubus’ leg. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to. I guess I’ll just have to use my left hand, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
The imp turned and bolted up the large white staircase. A second later, we heard a door slam, and I was overcome with an intense desire to change the subject.
“This all looks beautiful, Liby.” I smiled as I admired her work. “You’ve got a lot of fashion sense for a demon woman from Hell.”
�
�Flauros-- Er, ‘Robert Quinn’ was a bachelor,” the dark-haired woman mused. “This place needed a woman’s touch if it was going to be acceptable for hosting.”
“You can do it, Toddster!” I heard the imp’s voice yell out from upstairs. “Leftie is your new bestie!”
“Uh, let’s go into the living room.” I put my hand on Libidine’s back and started to lead us out of the entry room. “I need to order the pizza anyway, and I’m going to totally lose my appetite if we stay here too much longer.”
“Pizza?” Liby asked with a raised eyebrow. “For a high-class political event?”
“No, no.” I laughed. “The pizza’s for us. We’re going to have hors d’oeuvres at the fundraiser, but I figured I’d leave that to the caterers we hired.”
I walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed the Pizza Club menu that we had used time and time again. By this point, I was surprised they didn’t know our number by heart.
I dialed the number into my cell phone and then waited for an answer. Once I heard the voice on the other line, I ordered us a feast. We were gonna get four large pizzas, two orders of cheesy garlic bread sticks, a couple of two-liters, and a bunch of chicken wings.
The party was going to start in a few hours, and we needed to eat something before then. Sure, there was going to be some food there, but that fancy shit almost never filled me up. The situation called for a warm, cheesy, greasy pizza.
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!” Libidine smiled and then bolted out of the room.
As I watched her go, I realized how much I loved Liby. She was always so carefree and positive all the time, and she always did whatever she could to make her friends happy. You could never get the curvy succubus down, and if you did, she sprang right back up ten times more enthusiastic.
Libidine was my first succubus. She was the one who Lilith had sent when I asked for someone to fulfill all my deepest desires. She was the one who suggested that Cupiditas and her stay here with me on Earth. Most importantly, she believed in our mission, and she believed in me.
Of course, the dark-haired woman was also sexy as hell.
