by Eric Vall
“Would some coffee and donuts make things better?” I offered the blonde. “There’s a place down the road that’s open twenty-four hours.”
“Any sort of food would be incredible,” Cupi acknowledged as she tugged her skintight shorts up over her ass.
“Please, get her sustenance as soon as possible,” Sia joked. “I’m starting to fear for my life.”
The succubi and I finished getting dressed and then headed out to the main area of the suite.
“I wonder if Todd is awake?” Libidine asked curiously. “I hope we haven’t kept him waiting.”
“I can almost promise you that he’s not.” I laughed. “If anything, he probably hasn’t even gone to bed yet.”
I walked through the den of the suite and knocked a couple times on Todd’s door.
“Yo, Toddster,” I called through the large white piece of colonial wood. “It’s time to head out. You awake?”
“Bro…” I heard a groggy groan from the other side. “It’s two in the morning. Being up this early should be illegal.”
“Another thing to add to your platform,” I noted playfully. “I know for a fact you’d have Cupi’s vote. Now come on, we need to get going.”
“Give me like, two seconds, bro,” Todd groaned.
I stepped away from the door and headed back to join the succubi.
“Do we have a plan when we get to the Porta ad Inferos?” Sia asked. “Certainly we’re not going to just ‘wing it,’ right?”
“It all depends on what the situation is when we arrive,” I explained. “Ideally, we set a few traps or try to create a defensive perimeter around the Gateway.”
“And if we don’t get there in time?” Liby asked somberly.
My expression stretched downward into a frown as I pondered her words. “If they’re already there, then we’ll just have to take as many demons out as we can and hope that Jane, Oliver, and Raphael arrive with reinforcements in time.”
“Great plan, bro.” Todd chuckled from around the corner. “Is it weird that I’m almost hoping it’s the second one?”
When the imp came around the corner, the succubi and I all gasped in shock. The imp was no longer an imp at all. Instead, there stood Todd Masterson, in all his human glory.
It’d been quite a while since I’d seen Todd’s original form, but it was just as I remembered. My friend’s long, blonde hair was greasy and unkempt, and he had a tiny soul patch on his chin. Thankfully, he must have remembered that humans couldn’t hide their shame like an imp, and he was wearing one of the suite’s bathrobes.
“Bro,” Todd rubbed his eyes groggily, “I think I’ve gotta case of the humans. I’ve had these hands since one in the morning.”
“Just the hands?” I asked coyly. “Not the whole--”
“What the fuck are you talking about, bro?” Todd’s face contorted with confusion.
“Your powers are working fully!” Sia giggled. “How charming. I see you started off with a fairly simple form. Are you the homeless man from down the street?”
The redhead’s words made me double over with laughter. I’d forgotten that she’d never seen Todd as anything other than a demon, and the idea of her confusing him with a homeless man was hysterical.
Todd looked around at the four of us, completely lost. “These are my old human arms,” he explained. “I figured that if I couldn’t control when my shit gets all changed up, at least I could make sure it’s a familiar grip.”
“Familiar grip?” Libidine said as she tried to make sense of Todd’s sentence.
“You don’t want him to answer that,” I warned and then turned my attention back to Todd. “Bro, are you sure it’s just your hands that got changed?”
“What do you mean?” he said through a blank stare.
“Todd,” Cupi hinted, “don’t you feel a bit… Taller this morning?”
“I noticed that my robe was fitting much tighter.” The blond guy shrugged. “I simply figured I hit imp puberty or something.”
“You might wanna go look in the mirror,” I suggested.
“Why?” A look of realization spread across Todd’s face. “Oh, no.”
Todd ran off into the nearest bathroom to check himself out. Seconds later, there arose a blood-curdling scream.
“Welp,” I chuckled, “he’s definitely awake now.”
The scream went on for a solid minute before it finally ended.
“Wait a minute,” Todd called out from the other side of the suite. “This might not be as bad as I thought.”
Todd’s footsteps rang out through the suite and grew closer and closer as he returned to the rest of the group. When he finally came back into view, I couldn’t help but laugh.
He wasn’t Todd at all anymore. He was John Wayne.
“Hey there, pilgrim,” he said in his best Duke imitation. “We gott-a go round up some demons and take ‘em back to the ranch.”
“Bravo, Todd,” I said as I applauded the imp.
“No need ta thank me, pilgrim.” He couldn’t keep a straight face as he gave me a tip of his hat, breaking down into impish giggles.
John Wayne’s body was suddenly engulfed with a brilliant flame, and then he started to shapeshift once more. His large nose and jowls slowly morphed into more pointed features, and his body began to shrink as horns replaced his cowboy hat. Soon the figure was back in the imp’s familiar form, with the oversized bathrobe hanging off his shoulders like the train of a dress.
“That’s gonna be a game-changer, guys,” Todd said with a shit-eating grin.
“It certainly is.” Sia sounded impressed. “Think of how much easier it’ll be for espionage or trickery missions now that we have a shapeshifter in our midsts?”
“Fuck the missions,” Todd scoffed. “Think of how much easier it’ll be to pick up chicks! Most of them are too intimidated by the sweet imp body and my massive schlong. Now, I can woo them over while looking like a Calvin Klein model.”
“Maybe you can--” I started, but the imp cut me off.
“And with my massive schlong,” he continued.
“Well yeah, but--”
“I wonder if I can change my dick size with these powers?” Todd closed his eyes and tried to focus.
“I think we need to go--”
Todd’s eyes grew wide as he peeked inside his robe. “The answer is a resounding ‘yes.’”
“Ew,” I groaned playfully. “Really didn’t need to know that.”
“We should probably get going,” Cupi grumbled. “I need to get some food in me, or it’s gonna be a reeeaaalll long drive. For all of us.”
“Food?” Todd perked up. “Why didn’t you say so? Let’s go! Did you know there’s a twenty-four-hour donut shop not too far from here?”
“That’s what-- Nevermind.” I sighed. “You should probably still stay invisible for now, at least until we can find you some human clothes to wear or you get a stronger handle on your powers.”
“Can I practice in the car?” Todd laughed. “There’s a million different people I wanna pretend to be!”
“Sure thing, bro.” I shook my head with a smile as I tossed my duffel bag back up onto my shoulder. “Now, let’s hit the road.”
As much as I wanted to stay in this incredible suite, we were already behind schedule. I took one last look around the colonial interior as the three succubi and the imp sauntered through the threshold, and then I closed the door.
The five of us made our way down into the lobby, checked out of our room, and then headed out to Shadow.
As I slid into the comfy leather interior, I couldn’t help but feel exhausted. Despite the incredible night the succubi and I had spent together, we were still only running on a couple of hours of sleep. I turned the key in the ignition, and Shadow purred to life. I kicked the Jeep Wrangler into gear, and we headed off to our next destination, the all-important donut shop.
Honestly, I wasn’t even sure the strongest coffee in the world would keep me focused at this po
int. I was still worn out from the events of yesterday, and there was a lot on my mind at the moment.
The twenty-four-hour shop was only a few miles away, and it was no time at all before we were pulling up to the large screens of the drive-thru.
“What can I get for you this fine morning?” a woman’s voice announced through the loudspeaker.
“Can we get a dozen donuts?” I ordered into the speaker. “A mixed variety box, if you have one.”
I felt Todd tugging on the sleeve of my shirt. “Bro, I want a whole box for myself. Chocolate glazed.”
“And one dozen of the chocolate glaze--”
“The more glazy, the better,” the imp implored. “I want that shit to look like it just went through a bukkake scene.”
I had to take a moment to get the disgusting image out of my head.
“Extra glaze on those, if you could,” I forced myself to say through my gag reflex, “and then a couple coffees.”
“Cream or sugar?” the voice asked.
“You know how I am.” Todd was now mockingly using a ‘Jersey Girl’ voice. “I just, like, can’t even function until I’ve had my iced macchiato with two pumps of coconut milk, a hint of ginger spice, and a teensy-tiny pinch of peppermint.”
“Just throw some packets in the bag,” I got out as I managed to avoid laughing into the microphone. “We can sort it out in the car. That’ll be all.”
I pulled the vehicle around to the first window, paid for our breakfast, and then drove over to pick up our food.
“Watch this, bro,” Todd snickered.
A second employee was stationed at the pick-up window, and his eyes grew wide, and his jaw fell open when we pulled up.
“You’re-- Is that Ozzy?” he asked in disbelief.
“Wha--” I asked as I turned back to Todd and then had to stifle a laugh.
There, in my passenger seat, was the Prince of Darkness himself.
“Hey there, mate,” Todd mumbled incoherently. “Out here for a little drive here in the nation’s capital. I’ve got the mad munchies if ya get mah drift.”
The man was grinning ear-to-ear as he passed our coffees through the window. “I’m a huge Sabbath fan, you know,” he said giddily.
“Always ah pleasure to meet a fan,” “Ozzy” mumbled happily and then made devil horns with his hands. “Hail Satan!”
“Hail Satan!” the guy reiterated and passed our two boxes of donuts through the window. “I slipped a few extra ones in there for you, Wizard of Ozz.”
“Thankya, mate.” I could tell that Todd was trying his hardest not to break. “You have a cursed day.”
“You too, Mr. Osborne!” The man sounded like he was still in shock as we pulled away.
The second we were out of sight, Todd returned to his impish form and began pounding the seat as he laughed hysterically.
“Like I said, bro,” he cackled, “the possibilities are endless!”
“That was kinda cruel,” I pointed out with a grin. “That guy really thinks he just met his favorite artist.”
“I don’t see the problem,” the imp said as he hopped to his feet and whipped around to address the succubi. “Did you, girls?”
I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Liby shrug.
“I don’t see any problems,” the dark-haired woman agreed. “Todd made that man’s day, and he got us some free food out of it, as well.”
Cupi’s slender arm shot over the back of the front seat and snatched an entire box of donuts. “Speaking of which,” the blonde succubus sighed, “I feel like I could eat this entire box, even though I don’t know what a ‘donut’ is.”
“Have we seriously not had donuts in the entire time we’ve been together?” I asked as I honestly couldn’t remember.
“No, Jacob.” Liby giggled. “We’ve had lots of pancakes and waffles and sausages and eggs, but never any donuts.”
“You spoil ‘em too much, Jakey,” Todd observed as he pulled out a chocolate donut from the box. “Donuts are cheap, unhealthy circles of fried dough. Just the way the Toddster likes ‘em. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to indulge myself. You might wanna look away. This is about to get freaky.”
Todd stuffed the entire chocolate donut into his mouth and then gripped the seat tightly. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he made an over-the-top groaning sound as he chewed and then swallowed the donut.
“I think I just had a fucking orgasm, bro,” he joked. “You gotta try one of these before I devour them all.”
We were now out on the open highway, so I didn’t have to worry about keeping my attention on the road. I reached down and grabbed one of the chocolate morsels, and a few pieces of the glaze crumbled off at my touch.
“See?” Todd giggled. “Creamier than an albino vampire.”
I raised the pastry up to my mouth and took a bite. The second it hit my taste buds, I could see what Todd was talking about. The donut must have been fresh out of the fryer because it was warm and greasy. That, mixed with the sweet combination of chocolate and the sugary glaze, made it taste like Heaven on Earth.
“Holy fuck, that’s delicious,” I exclaimed through a mouthful of crumbs.
“No mouth orgasm, though?” The imp beside me chuckled.
“No, Todd.” I laughed. “I’m not that into food.”
From behind us, I heard Sia let out a sound of pleasure. I looked up into the mirror and saw that the redhead now had a mouthful of a Bavarian. She made a face of satisfaction as some of the creamy white filling dribbled down her chin.
“Let me get that for you,” Liby cooed.
The curvy succubus leaned over to Sia and sensually licked the cream off her face. She moved back into her seat, swallowed, and then moved her body back and forth happily.
“Looks like the girls know what I’m talking about, eh?” Todd gave me a wink and a nudge. “Takes the term ‘food porn’ to a whole new level.”
“This one is huge,” Libidine exclaimed.
Again, I looked up in the mirror to see what was going on in the back.
Libidine was holding a massive long john donut in her hands, and my heart began to skip a beat as she raised it to her mouth.
“Oh please,” Cupi joked. “That thing isn’t even close to the size of Jacob.”
“Just because it’s smaller than Jacob’s dick doesn’t mean it still isn’t big,” Liby shot back.
“I don’t think you’ll find many things in this world that can match that length and girth,” Sia cooed. “Jacob’s is abnormally large.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Todd had frozen in place. I looked over at the little imp, who slowly turned his head over to meet my gaze. His eyes were wide with disgust, and pieces of chocolate donut were tumbling out of his mouth. The imp looked down at the donut, then back at Sia, and then at me.
“I’m never eating a fucking long john again.” He shook his head as he spat a little bit of donut out onto a napkin and placed it back in the box. “In fact, I think I’m gonna leave the rest of this for you.”
I heard Libidine make a gagging sound, and I slyly let my eyes slide back up to the mirror to watch.
The succubus had the long john halfway down her throat, and she was slowly trying to get the rest of it to fit while her two sisters were cheering her on gleefully. Finally, Liby relaxed her jaw and slid the rest of the donut into her mouth with a singular gulp.
“You know, not chewing their food has to be really hard on their stomach,” Todd mused as he opened the lid of his coffee.
The imp fumbled around in the brown sack from the donut shop and produced a handful of sugars. One by one, he opened the little white packets and dumped them into his drink.
“Uh, Todd?” I chuckled. “How many sugars are you gonna put in that?”
“As many as it takes to turn this bitter beverage into a sweet treat,” he retorted and poured another packet. “Everybody knows that’s the only way to drink coffee.”
“I honestly prefe
r it black.” I shrugged. “It gives it a lot more power, and it makes it less of a bitch on your intestines later.”
“Nah,” Todd scoffed. “Like everything in life, you have to overpower it with sugar, and you’re all good.”
“What is this concoction?” Sia asked, and I looked back to see her staring in awe at a jelly donut.
The pasty itself was a deep golden-brown, and it was coated in what looked like layer upon layer of granulated sugar. A bit of red jelly was oozing out of the opening in the back, and the redhead lapped it up with her tongue.
“Strawberry,” she noted with a nod. “How fitting.”
The madame placed her lips on the opening of the donut and inhaled deeply. There was a wet slurping sound as the jelly was sucked into her mouth, and her cheeks filled up like a chipmunk’s. Sia attempted a few swallows but seemed to back out at the last minute. Finally, she took a big gulp and then stuck out her tongue to show everyone that it was gone.
“Oops.” She giggled and then bit into the remainder of the donut. “Force of habit.”
“Hey, uh, Jakey?” Todd tapped at my shoulder. “I know the succubi are getting you all hot and bothered, but do you think you could maybe focus on the road? You’ve been driving on the wrong side for like, five minutes.”
I forced my eyes back to the road and realized that he was right. I panicked as I swerved back onto the correct side, but thankfully there hadn’t been anyone else in sight.
After all, what kind of a fool would be driving on the interstate at three in the morning?
I took a swig of my coffee to try to calm myself. The liquid was bitter against my lips, but the jolt from the caffeine was just what I needed to get my focus back on the task at hand.
We continued driving down the dark highway for about an hour until finally, I saw the light of the GPS indicate we were close to our destination. I turned Shadow off the highway and onto the backroads of rural Virginia. We continued through the winding roads of the countryside and soon found ourselves out in the boonies. There was even a time or two where our top-of-the-line GPS lost its signal, and I contemplated trying to wing it with an old-school map.
I guess if you were trying to hide the Gateway to Hell, you’d want it as far away from civilization as humanly possible.
