Tossing down a couple of bills, Josh leaves us with this. “You may not be able to change her mind, Cal, but you will always have her heart. She may try to love you less every day, but that’s impossible for her. The effect you have on her is too great. But she needs time.”
Just as he’s about to turn to go, Sam calls out, “Josh?” The other man stills. Sam presses, “Will you help us?”
He shakes his head, and my heart withers in my chest. “But I’ll help her.”
Sam slumps in relief. Iris begins crying in earnest.
And me? I think the beating of my heart may indicate I’m having a heart attack because maybe I’ll have another chance to hold my wife in my arms and bring her flowers for no reason. I’ll get to tease her about her sass, while she rolls her eyes at me. And God, maybe I’ll get to touch her sweet lips with mine.
“There’s still a chance, Cal,” Iris whispers. Sam murmurs his agreement as he reaches for her hand.
I nod, because I can’t speak. I just know as long as there’s breath in both our bodies, there’s always a chance. It’s then I press the heels of my hands into my burning eyes to release some of the pent-up emotion by letting my tears flow with two people who are feeling my pain right alongside of me.
58
Elizabeth
Year Six - Five Years Ago from Present Day
“What the hell is that?” I know damn well what the squirming ball of fur in Josh’s arms is, but the inane question escapes my lips anyway.
“It’s another gift from Cal.” Josh shrugs.
My lips part in shock. “You’re kidding me.”
“Listen, the thing has peed on me twice—there’s no way I’m kidding. Cal is just asking for an ass whooping with this one.”
A small smile breaks through the mask of stoicism I’ve worn for the last two months. “Why would he get me a puppy? I mean, first of all, the obvious. We’re getting a divorce.”
“Which he’s been fighting at every step,” Josh interjects. “Like the cards, the flowers”—he gestures to the bouquets of sunflowers over my shoulder—“and the gifts”—he nods at the album I’d been looking through right before he arrived—“isn’t an indicator of him trying to win you back.”
I give him the point. “True. That doesn’t mean I can just forget.” And just like that, the image of him and Iris slides into my head, which hardens my heart. “Give him to Sydney,” I say firmly, turning my back on the whimpering ball of fur I want to reach out to with all my might.
“No.”
I whirl on him. “I can’t keep it!”
“Why? Because he’s from Cal?”
Hesitating, I sit back down on the couch before I reach for the puppy. Stroking its silky fur, I admit, “If I accept the puppy, I’ll weaken more. I’m already feeling pressure to hear him out. And Josh, God. I don’t know if I can sit there and listen to all the reasons why I’m at fault for our marriage not being enough—why he sought out another woman.”
“After all this, you still don’t believe him?” I shake my head no. Josh sighs. “Then tell me, why do you think he’s going to say it was your fault? Why do you think you weren’t enough?”
Still holding another of Cal’s peace offerings, I wander to the window. “He was my world, and I think I was only his distraction. The last few months have forced me to replay nearly seven years of memories, reliving every moment. And the tragedy is we spent more time apart than together in those years.”
“That doesn’t bode well for any marriage,” Josh agrees.
“No.” I admit something I haven’t said out loud to anyone. “I replayed our wedding ceremony the other day. Talk about an act of pure torture.” Josh just shakes his head at me. I shrug and continue. “He never promised me fidelity. So, was Iris the first or only the one I caught him with? How am I supposed to trust him again?” I laugh bitterly.
Josh is silent as I release some of my pain. “If I told you I talked with Sam and I have a better idea of what’s going on, how upset would you be?”
“At you?” He nods. “Not very. In the end, it’s not going to matter. My life with Cal has been nothing but a lie. While a single event may be what pulled the thread, what is there to hold our lives from completely unraveling? What happened kicked my ass and broke me, but it opened my eyes to the fact that I have a life based on very little substance. I need to find where the core of that is and build off of that.”
Josh goes to open his mouth to speak, but I stall him with a hand. “Since you know more than I do right now, would you be able to forgive your spouse with pretty words?”
“No, but maybe those words lead to some very necessary ones,” he retorts.
I cede the point. “I’ll make you a deal.”
“What’s that?”
Looking down at the sleeping ball of golden fuzz in my arms, I say, “I’ll have my lawyer hold off sending the next round of papers. I’ll agree to sit down and talk with Cal when I get back from my vacation if you agree to potty train this gift. I’m leaving the country in three days; I can’t handle all of this beforehand. So, it’s either going back to Cal or you train it.”
“Deal. I’ll train it,” he agrees immediately, surprising me. Moving next to me, Josh whispers, “Do you want to save your marriage, Libby?”
I’ve asked myself this question a million times. “How do I save a marriage based on lies?” I ask him simply. “All I can do is try to save what’s left of my heart.”
He nods, neither judging nor berating. “Do you still love him?”
Leaning against my brother, I vocalize something I’ve only admitted to myself—well, and to Nonna when I’ve visited her grave. “I don’t think there will ever be a breath I take where I don’t love Calhoun Sullivan. But loving someone and losing them over and over to a fight you never knew you were in? Well, I’m not sure if I can do that anymore.”
I move to shift away, but he stops me. “I don’t think you’ve lost, Libby. I think you won without even trying.”
“But what did I win, Josh?” I face the window again.
Josh comes to stand next to me. “Do you remember when we’d skip rocks across the water?”
A light laugh escapes. “You’d skip rocks. Mine would just plunk down into the water and cause ripples to happen.”
He grins. “You always did suck at it.”
I nudge him with my shoulder. “Thanks a lot.”
“But your lack of throwing skills isn’t why I brought it up.”
“Why did you, then?”
“Because eventually you learned to drop your rock with perfect timing. Right after I skipped my rock. You always said the ripple effect of your rock changed the path of mine.” Josh turns, takes my shoulders in his hands, and says seriously, “You were right.”
“What’s your point?” Frustration is evident in my voice. The puppy in my arms begins to stir. I soothe it gently.
Josh waits until I’m done before he says, “It’s up to Cal to explain, but let’s just say, you’ve caused a shock wave to his path.”
I scoff. “Right. If I was so important, then explain to me how…”
Josh shakes his head. “I don’t know. I just know that you have to talk with him. You can’t make a decision this absolute without speaking with him first. You have to know, Libby. And isn’t knowing better than wondering?”
I bow my head. It’s answer enough.
“Don’t underestimate the effects of what your love means to that man.”
With sad eyes, I hand the yet unnamed dog to my brother before leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. The tiny thing whimpers and tries to curl up in his strong arms. “The truth would have cost him nothing. But lies seem to have cost him everything. He’s told so many, and I deserved none of them. The worst one is the one he’s told to himself—that I wouldn’t question the words ‘I love you’ that he said over and over.” I start to walk from the room.
“But you’ll keep your promise,” Josh calls out.
I
stop in place. “Unlike my husband, I don’t lie. I’ll meet with him when I’m safely home. Even if it’s to wish him the best with his new life.”
I’m halfway up the stairs, intending on finishing packing, when Josh calls from the bottom, “Why are you so determined to walk away?”
“Why are you suddenly on his side?” I snap back, answering his question with one of my own.
“Maybe because I don’t want my sister to be living with regret for the rest of her life.”
“Was it my decision that caused this?” I ask quietly.
“No, of course not.” He looks abashed. “Cal started this.”
I climb down the stairs until we’re eye level with each other. “Yes. And if I can figure out a way to erase the pain of those images, it would be a hell of a lot easier.”
He pushes a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I understand.”
I cup his cheek. “You don’t.” He opens his mouth to protest, but I lay a finger on his lips. “You don’t, Josh, and I hope you never do.”
“Yeah.” His sighed word brushes warm air against my finger, making my nose wrinkle in distaste. “I just wish I could see you smile again.”
“Maybe someday.” Looking down, my eyes get big. “Josh…” I try to warn him, but I’m too late. Cal’s gift has leaked again on his shirt.
Josh curses roundly. “Shit. This is the third one today.”
I can’t prevent the giggle that escapes. Josh’s head snaps up at the sound. “Damn, Libby, if he”—he nods at the puppy, who’s now trying to lick his face—“makes you laugh, maybe I won’t potty train him.”
I shake my head, the first smile in months flirting with my mouth. “You know the deal, brother.” Leaning over, I scratch Cal’s gift under the chin. “I think I’ll call you Darcy,” I croon.
“Darcy?”
“From Pride and Prejudice. He lies to Elizabeth in the book, if you remember.”
Josh opens and closes his mouth. “A more appropriate name could not be given to you, young Darcy.” Leaning forward, he almost crushes the puppy between us. “Safe travels, Libby.”
“It’s just two weeks,” I say gently.
“Two weeks where I’m going to have to deal with Syd bemoaning you not being around. Be careful and come home in one piece, yeah?”
I laugh even as he makes his way to the door. “I’m going to learn a lot about myself,” I remind my older brother.
“Who said you needed to?” He gives me a wink before disappearing.
After the door closes, the house feels strangely empty. I climb upstairs to finish packing. Part of me wants to reach out to Cal to thank him for the gift, but there’s another part of me that can’t. I need to figure out who I am again without being wrapped in both lies and love because both are killing me.
“The effects of this are going to remain with me for a long time,” I say aloud as I close the lid on another suitcase. A quick check of the time makes me realize I should get something to eat. Leaving my bedroom, I meander downstairs to the kitchen to find something to munch on.
Maybe the open sea air will make me hungry.
And I need to do this. If I’m honest, I’ve lived for Cal for so long, I need to know what it’s like to live for me. I need to discover a new love for myself because maybe then I’ll find the strength to go on by myself.
I need to know I’m worth loving and I always was.
59
Present Day
Elizabeth
“Darcy?” Dr. Powell’s voice holds a note of amusement.
“Let me assure you, our dog is a flirty pain in the ass,” I tell him. There’s a roar of laughter. “If Cal intended to get me a guard dog, Darcy sucks. I don’t care if it is part German shepherd, those traits are obviously suppressed by the golden retriever.”
More chuckles. I continue. “Thank God for Josh. By the time I did come home, Darcy was fully housebroken though. And saddle broken,” I add on.
“Saddle broken?” Dr. Powell’s voice is strangled.
I nod. “Sydney was having her baby dolls ride him like he was their own mini personal pony. I swear, it was like she was training him. I have no doubt once this one is big enough, it will be Darcy who is trying to get him or her up on his back.” I touch my stomach gently.
“Do you know what you’re having yet?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to know. I want to be able to memorize the look on Cal’s face when the doctor tells us for the first time.” There are so many other horrible memories I want to subdue with good ones.
“How long before your time aboard the Sea Force did you find out you were pregnant?”
I open my mouth and close it. This is hard for me to admit. “I suspected it for a few weeks after Cal confronted me in my office. But I was so certain it was stress.” I reach for my juice and take another small sip, needing the emotional break.
Dr. Powell quietly states, “But it wasn’t.”
My heart aches in ways that years later I know I’ll never recover from. “No. I faced the music the day after I received Darcy from Cal. I went to my gynecologist and found out for sure.” Tears fill my eyes. “I felt the need to keep this super quiet until I got back.”
“Yet you told your brother?”
I nod, tears falling openly. “I did. Cal did so much traveling. I remember him saying someone should always know all of your itinerary and medical conditions. For me, since Cal was out of my life at that point, that person became Josh.”
“What was his reaction?” Dr. Powell sets his papers aside, reaches for a bottle of water. Just the sight of it makes my stomach queasy.
Waiting for the nausea to pass, I admit, “He freaked out. He told me I should call Cal immediately, but I wanted the time to determine if I thought we could move on from what happened.” Lowering my head, I whisper, “I put myself first.”
“There’s nothing shameful in that, Libby.”
“If I had spoken to Cal, there’s no way I would have been on the Sea Force. Maybe our child would still be alive.” The guilt of this has lived with me for more than five years. It’s almost cleansing for me to say it out loud.
“And maybe something else would have happened. Have you thought about things from that perspective?”
“I have so much guilt from that time in my life, it’s hard to separate it all.”
“Then maybe you need to hear what Cal has to say about it,” he declares.
My head snaps up. Then calm, even footsteps sound behind me. I’d know that walk anywhere. As he gets closer, I smell the cologne he sprayed on before we left the hotel this morning. And everything in my heart settles.
Cal.
I twist around as he approaches the couch I’m sitting on. “What…” I start to ask.
“You didn’t think I was going to let you go through this alone, did you?” Cal’s breath whispers over my lips before they take mine in far too brief of a caress.
“Thank you for joining us, Cal.”
“I appreciate the invitation, Dr. Powell.”
“Your wife and I were just discussing her guilt over your lost child.” Cal’s hand squeezes mine so hard, I risk a glance over at him.
God, if love could heal wounds, then everything in the world would be fixed by the emotion on Cal’s face. “Baby, it wasn’t your fault.”
I choke up while I try to explain. “If I’d just picked up the phone…”
“Libby, nobody has the power to predict what would have happened if you did. What if you had? What if we agreed to meet and”—he knocks on the wood table next to him—“there was another wreck? We could have just as easily lost Angel that way.”
Dr. Powell interrupts us. “You named the baby Angel?”
We were so lost in each other, neither of us realize what Cal said. It’s me who admits, “Since it was his or her soul who saved mine, it seemed only fitting.”
He nods. “I want to go back to the phone call. What phone call are you talking about?”
> “Cal called the morning I left for Malaga. And there was a part of me that wanted to pick up the phone.”
“What stopped you?”
What did stop me? I give myself a few moments to think before I explain.
60
Elizabeth
Year Six - Five Years Ago from Present Day – October 17
My bags are packed, my carry-on with my passport and my boarding pass for both the plane and the ship is waiting by the door, and I’m just waiting for the car to pick me up to take me to the airport.
Wandering over to the window seat, I pick up a pillow and hold it against my stomach, remembering last night when I called Josh to come up for a quick chat before I left. The shock on my brother’s face, followed by wonder, when I told him I’m barely two months pregnant is seared on my brain.
Squeezing the pillow tight, I wonder if that’s how Cal will react when I tell him. Because divorce or not, my husband has a right to know.
Leaning back against the window frame, I think about my explanation to Josh about why I wasn’t telling Cal until I got back from my cruise. “I’m tired, Josh. Every day is a strain. All I do is wake up and wonder what happened to my life, and I go to bed missing my last kiss. Every. Single. Day. I need something else to think about for just a little while before I wrap my mind around the fact I’m never going to be able to get Calhoun Sullivan out of my life—that I’m going to have to live with this pain day in and day out for the rest of my life.”
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