by Kate Stewart
We both know I was never going to make it to thirty, brother. Take care of her.
He knew.
“What do you want for the future?”
“Nothing.”
He refused to let himself hope for anything. A true soldier, he wanted as few people as possible mourning him. And he’d let me love him. I was the girl honored enough to get close to him in a way few others did.
I reach out and palm the freezing stone. “God, I miss you. I miss you all the time. I’ll hear a song you played for me or read something good, and you’re the first person I want to tell.” Unable to handle the sting any longer, I let the tears fall at will.
“Motherfucker or not, I saw you. I saw you. I knew you. And I grieve for you every damn day. You lose, Dominic, because there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t mourn you.” I hiccup, my chest burning as I finally put a voice to years of pain. “Why? Why couldn’t you just wait for help?”
Breaking apart, the bitter wind adds a sting to the tears on my cheeks as more fall. It’s then I perk up with realization. I’ve felt it enough times to know, and it’s undeniable, tangible, it’s distinctly him.
“I know you’re there,” I say, taking one last drag of the joint before tossing it into the grass and standing. I turn to feel the inevitable jolt the minute I see Tobias just outside of the gate, watching me. It’s evident he’s been there a while, his face tinged red by the wind. The sight of him agonizing. He looks every bit like the polished man I met. Volatile amber eyes rest over the smooth planes of his face, his square jaw set. His thick, ink colored hair is swept back, not one lock out of place. His suit cloaked by a long grey trench coat and leather gloves. Do I still know him? Every bit of our eye exchange tells me I do, but that he will never admit it.
We stare off for endless seconds before I finally speak. “You want to know why I’m here?” I turn back to the grave. “I never left.”
The gate squeaks as he walks through and stands next to me to peer down where Dominic lies. And for several minutes, I know our collective thoughts are all about him and the moments before he left us.
Raw ache spreads through my chest as I try to imagine what it was like for him to bury his brother. As I try to imagine the crowd of people I grew to love all those years ago gathered here collectively mourning his passing, something I was deprived of.
“I have to believe that forgiveness is possible, because if I don’t, if I don’t…Tobias, I won’t be able to live like this, I can’t live like this anymore. I want so much to make peace with the naïve girl I was. Not to blame myself for what happened but—”
He shakes his head as if to refute the idea.
“I want so much to move on as you all seem to have,” I admit. “I do, but it’s been impossible for me. I never got the chance to say goodbye,” I say, choking on my words.
Briefly, his stare flits with emotion before his expression grows cold and unforgiving. It’s everything I expected and nothing I would ever want.
“I’m here for the same reason you are. To mourn him. To miss him. I have a right to be here.” His empty stare rips me to shreds. Part of me wants to retreat safely back into the life I had just days before, to beg Collin to forgive me, and take back the future I destroyed, but I know better. And the reason is standing in front of me, a shell of the man I once knew.
“You need to go home, Cecelia.”
I huff, gathering my jacket from the ground and sliding it on. “You should know that’s the last thing I’ll do.”
“You never could make things easy.”
“So, we are blaming me?” I take a step toward him, and his nostrils flare as though the mere scent of me is repulsive. I take that hit to the chest, knowing I may never get more than this.
“I should have been the one to die that night,” I press, “do you hate me because I didn’t?”
“I don’t blame anyone but Dominic for his decision.”
“I don’t think you mean that.”
“I do. It’s not your fault. But I say a lot of things I don’t mean when you’re around me. That stops the second you see yourself out.”
To be so close to him now without touching him is devastating. In a matter of minutes, the longing I’ve felt for years intensifies ten-fold as I linger in my own manicured shell, holding onto the high for the split second he allows us in close proximity. He feels it too. I know he does. I lost my heart the minute we connected on a molecular level. Somewhere between the games we played and the love I gave him, I lost a lot more.
One mistake, one night, it cost us all.
It’s clear he doesn’t trust me. Maybe he thinks I have an agenda.
And to a point, I do.
But it’s obvious now that agenda was the same pathetic attempt to liberate myself from his hold. And all of that hope disappears the longer he glares at me, the more I become swept up in his volatile depths. He taught me everything I know. And together, he and his brothers taught me love in every degree.
But this man hosts the hottest fire.
I’ll love him my whole life, and I’ll despise him too for what he took away, for the way he discarded me, shunned me, cast me out. And I allowed it because of the price he paid, but I’ve been paying too, and it’s time he knows it. I turn and face him fully.
“I loved him.”
He drops his gaze. “I know.”
“But not the way I loved you.”
His eyes snap to mine. I know it’s not the time, but I have no idea if I’ll ever get the chance again. I never told him, not once, but I’m now in the business of truth. I have absolutely nothing left to lose.
“And whether that matters or not, I deserve to grieve him. And I deserve answers from you.”
“I don’t want you here.”
“Have you ever?”
He averts his gaze, and I catch his eyes. “How about we blame the fucking secrets. Because those seem to have done the most damage.”
He turns on his wingtips and crashes through the gate, and I follow hot on his heels. “You denied me all of it! All of it! I deserve this damn conversation, Tobias! And I’m not leav—”
He closes the door to his newer model Jaguar, and in seconds he’s tearing out of the parking lot. I race after him, scrambling to start my Audi. When I gun it out of the parking lot, I swear I feel the presence of a cool dark cloud envelop me. Tobias shoots down the road, trying to outrun the past, our mistakes, me, and I stay on his tail before I gun past him over double yellow lines, and my lips lift in victory.
“Should have bought an Audi,” I snark, speeding well past his view and gaining good ground. Banking on him following on the straightaway, I go wide, giving myself great lengths before I slow bank on the shoulder and pull the emergency brake, correcting the wheel, so we’re head to head. In seconds he’s racing into view and slams on his brakes coming feet from killing us both. He gapes at me through the windshield, his eyes wide with surprise.
“Like that? Little brother taught me that hat trick. Your move.”
He glares at me for another second before pulling onto the shoulder and flying out of his car. The minute I’m out of my door, his hands shoot out, and he grips my upper arm, anger rolling off of him. “Are you out of your fucking mind? You could have killed us both!”
“Well then, I’d guess I’d be putting us both out of our misery,” I retort.
“Whatever you’re thinking about, forget it.” He’s so close that I can feel the fabric of his jacket. His smell invades my nose, and nostalgia hits like a lightning bolt, but I remain defiant.
“I can’t forget it.”
“You need to go back to your life.”
“Just talk to me, that’s all I want.”
“I’m going to say this once. That was then. There is no now.”
He releases me as if touching me burns him.
“You’re still the same smug, obnoxious, overbearing bastard you always were.”
“No,” his tone is acidic. “I’m m
uch worse, and I always get my way. You might remember a lot, but you seem to have forgotten that.”
He turns on his Italian leathers and walks back toward his car.
“You lured me here with that offer. You knew I would eventually want to rid myself of the burden when you didn’t make good on taking it from him. Why didn’t you go after him?”
He pauses his walk and turns to me. “What does it matter? It’s mine now.”
“God, you’re ridiculous. You must hate the fact that I’ve grown up, and I won’t be manipulated by you ever again.”
“I got what I wanted. So, your point is moot.”
“Not entirely,” I taunt. “I’m holding you up to your end until you give me the answers I deserve. I’ve lived in the dark long enough.”
We face off just feet apart, and I know he sees the resignation in my face. “Just go home, Cecelia.” He ducks into his car, slamming his door before he speeds off.
I lift from the duvet covered in sweat, my limbs aching as an agonized cry leaves my lips. I’d chased Sean through the trees all night, begging him to stop, but he just kept running, and he refused to look back.
“Damnit!” I hurl my water bottle across my room, and it smacks the wall before landing on the carpet just in front of my moonlit French door, the remaining water steadily leaking out.
It’s my subconscious I’m constantly battling. Waking hours are far easier, but every night or every other, in some way, I grieve one or all of them.
And it’s pathetic because they’re almost always dreams of rejection.
I beg, I plead with them not to leave me, to love me back, to forgive me. Just for once in these dreams, I want to be angry, to tell then that they’re liars, that they never deserved me, or my loyalty, my devotion, my ever-faithful heart. Still, it’s always them I’m chasing after, begging their forgiveness, begging for absolution, begging for my feelings to be returned.
Even with the strength I display on the outside during my waking hours bringing grown men to their knees in my business dealings, in my dreams, I’m forever weak. And my mind won’t relent in making me remember that, it won’t reason its way back into the truth of today, not yesterday. Unable to keep the effects from trickling in, I dial the number and pray she picks up.
“Talk to me,” Christy says in a sleepy voice.
“I’m only getting worse. This place is only making it worse.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m sorry,” I sigh, eyeing the clock. “I know it’s late.”
“I have a baby sucking on my boob, and I’m watching Insta Videos, trust me, I’m not mad.”
“Kiss him for me.”
“I will.”
We sit silently for a few seconds. She’s waiting.
“I’m such an idiot. Everyone has moved on.”
“I’m your best friend, and I’m telling you that you went robotic the minute you got back from that godforsaken place. You haven’t been the same since that year. And I’m not saying I don’t love you and all your malfunctions, but I see your face when you think no one is watching. You had three boyfriends who screwed with your head and your heart, one of which died in a car accident, and you never got to grieve him properly.”
Guilt gnaws at me, but the secrets I have to keep.
“Can I ask you something, Cee?”
“Stupid question. Of course.”
“Did you get pregnant?”
“What? No. Not at all. Nothing like that.” I’m weak. I can’t talk to her this weak. I’ve been holding my secrets with me safely for too long. “It was just another bad dream. I’ll be fine.”
“Look. Eventually, I’m going to run out of kids to steal my sleep and suck my tits into something scary, which means murder for you someday when you wake me in the middle of the night. I want you to be happy. If that doesn’t include a future with Collin, fine, if it’s going back to the scene of the shitshow to make peace, fine, but make sure it’s for you, Cecelia. You’ve suffered enough at those bastards’ hands.”
“I will.”
“Good. Remember why you left.”
“Trust me. I can’t forget it.”
“And don’t forget who the fuck you are. CEO and all-around badass. You make grown men cry every day.”
“Thank you. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I manage to get through three-quarters of my presentation, and I can feel his heavy stare on me. It’s our first morning meeting. Tobias has already fired everyone on the board. Together, we have the task of turning the plant from a corporation structure to employee-owned. I won’t bother to ask him what he’s doing with the other plants, because I’m sure once he sees my plans for this one, maybe he’ll make similar changes to the others. Ryan sits at the table along with one of Tobias’s assistants, Shelly, as I go through the presentation—I worked half the night on—a step by step plan specific to the Horner Tech to right the wrongs of the past. It will give the faithful workers incentives along with better healthcare and retirement options. “Their lives won’t change overnight, but oh, what a difference a year can make.”
I pause after voicing that thought aloud, feeling the full weight of the attention of a man I was sure only existed in my dreams.
“Cee?” Ryan asks as I stand there, completely wrapped up in the memory of a warm summer night filled with toe-curling kisses, wine, of lightning bugs, of a magical place we created where no one else existed, and we recognized each other.
“Cee?” Ryan prompts again as I try to find my place.
“Sorry,” I clear my throat, feeling fire lick the side of my face and down my neck. I haven’t spared Tobias a glance, but the entirety of the outdated boardroom has been crackling with energy since he entered it.
“Within the next year,” I continue, “not only will we have given the employees incentives to stay, but we’ll have created and budgeted for twelve new supervising positions.”
“I already have plans in place.” It’s the first time Tobias has spoken up, and my eyes lift to his.
“I just wanted to give you some options. This is what I do.”
He doesn’t waste breath with his retort. “I’ve been doing it longer. Is that all?”
“Okay, let me word it better,” I snap. “Plan B is what’s happening.”
Ryan speaks up, biting Tobias right in the ass. “It’s a condition of the contract.”
Tobias doesn’t spare Ryan a glance and gives me a dead stare.
“I’m creating jobs, not ruining your plans.”
“Debatable,” he counters and stands.
“I have fifteen minutes left,” I object. His eyes roll over my form-fitting pantsuit. I may have spent a little more time than usual on my appearance this morning.
“You’re doing what you want, why does it matter if I’m here?”
“Your presence at these meetings is also in the contract,” Ryan counters as Tobias finally shifts his focus. And the result isn’t pretty.
“You going to lick the bottom of her stilettos when she’s done here?”
“She’s not into foot kink,” Ryan retorts with a sure smile.
Tobias’s eyes drift up to mine. The look in them enough to condemn me. And now he knows I’ve slept with my lawyer. I glare at Ryan, who shrugs, giving me a thorough and appreciative sweep Tobias does not miss.
“Gentlemen, tuck your penises away and take a breath,” I snap. “This isn’t about who has the most authority here. This is about thousands of workers and their future and what’s right for them. I don’t have to be right. Let’s just come to an agreement on what’s best for them.”
Shelly speaks up. “Agreed. What we have planned is very similar, I’ll cross-reference our prospectus with what you’ve got, and we can work together to get the kinks out.”
“You’re speaking out of turn,” Tobias scolds her.
“I don’t lick shoes or wipe asses, Mr. King, that’s why you hired me.” She doesn’t miss a beat. “Cecelia, I
think this is brilliant, and since I’m the one who’ll be getting this information together and out to the masses, I would love to hear your last fourteen minutes.”
I bite my lips to hide my smile as Tobias’s eyes narrow at Shelly before he takes his seat. “Floor is yours.”
I can practically hear his thoughts—your move.
Ryan chuckles, and he and Tobias stare off for a second before they both turn expectant eyes back to me.
And this is just day one.
Fuck.
I can’t help my smile shortly after our meeting when Tobias walks into the office across the hall from mine. Floor to ceiling windows creates no barrier, giving us little privacy so he can’t, at all, avoid seeing me during working hours. I feel his hesitation as Shelly guides him through the set-up of his workstation. I feel a lick of heat from his stare before he finally takes his seat. Transitioning from corporate to employee-owned isn’t a matter of signatures or a one and done. It will take weeks of careful planning to work out the details, and I plan on using the time wisely.
He can’t avoid me. But he’s damn sure going to try. Hours later, we duel on our keyboards, and every so often, I feel the lift of his head and the weight of his stare. He’s been listening to my phone conversations all day, his door open. I have loose ends to tie up before I can entirely hand the business over to Collin, who also isn’t speaking to me. He’s had his assistant email me with questions about the pressing matters. And I get it. I understand. But it still stings.
Ryan has been planted in the office next to me for most of the day, and the crackle I feel brewing only intensifies as the hours pass. But I forge on, intent on using all my tools to make the transition smooth and beneficial to the employees. Because I’ve been in their shoes, literally. Ryan heads to the breakroom for another cup of coffee when I crack my neck and look up to see Tobias working diligently on his laptop. His shoulders tense the minute he feels me eyeing him, but he keeps at a steady pace. He’s in a pinstripe suit today that makes him look regal, like an old-world gangster. It’s so fitting. He’s so perfectly manicured that he looks completely out of place in the dump we’ve been stationed in. The bottom floor has a distinct stench of mold, and the ceiling tiles are heavy with residual water and stained brown. I decide to shoot off an email to Shelly to see if we can find a little wiggle room in the budget for a cheap remodel. I’ve just sent it off when Ryan strides back into the office, our coffee forgotten.
