by Kate Stewart
“One of us has to say it. We knew, we knew what we found, and we didn’t know how to handle it because it started in a way that it shouldn’t have, with the betrayal of two men we both loved. And you think you can’t or don’t deserve to be with me because of this guilt, but this is our reality now, and you aren’t the only one who lost. He’s gone, Tobias, and he’s not coming back, and we can’t change that any more than we can the truth that we still love each other.”
“Damnit, Cecelia. Let it go!”
“Dominic knew, Tobias, he told me he’d never seen you so happy just minutes before he died.”
Tobias shakes his head, his eyes glazing as I step forward.
“I came back to make peace, to grieve his loss, to get answers, but I realize now that I also came back to claim the life I want, with you, because despite the guilt, I know we deserve to live out the rest of our punishment together. We’re the only people that can heal each other. I’m not saying it will be easy, I’m not even saying it will work, but we deserve the chance to try. Because despite it being the cruel truth, it was real, more real than anything I’ve ever felt. More real than your need for revenge or your promises to any other. Right or wrong, my place is with you, and you belong as much to me. Just admit it.”
He jerks me hard into his grip, his fingers curled around my jacket, his eyes filled with emotion as tension rolls off his shoulders. I can feel the break in him, the bleed.
“I love you,” I say softly. “It’s not too late.”
“Cecelia?”
I freeze as his gaze shoots past my shoulder and he releases me, stepping away, turning in the direction of the voice.
Collin.
“Collin, what are you doing here?”
“I’m your fucking fiancé.” He slams open the gate, anger evident in his features as his glare flits to the man standing next to me.
“You were, you were my fiancé.”
Tobias’s eyes roll down his form as I move to intercept Collin, who’s stalking toward us, his eyes narrowing in pure accusation.
“So, it’s you, then?” He says, his posture possessive, threatening in a way I’ve never seen.
I can see the amusement in Tobias’s eyes as he sizes Collin up.
“Collin, stop.” I intercept as he approaches and place a hand on his chest. “What are you doing here?”
He lifts his chin toward Tobias. “What is he doing here?”
“We were just talking.”
Collin charges past me and squares off with Tobias as a surge of apprehension rolls through me. I do my best to get in between them as a sick smile crosses Tobias’s face. “Heard a lot about you.”
“Ironically, I hadn’t heard a word about you until recently,” Collin retorts, his accent riddled with condescension.
Tobias’s smile grows, and he gives Collin a slow wink. “I’m a best-kept secret.”
“Collin,” I interject, “please go inside. I’ll meet you there.”
Collin turns to me. “You think I’m scared of this, this,” he snorts, “thug in a suit?”
Tobias’s laugh is maniacal. “I can see why you like him. He’s funny.”
“This stops now!” I move to wedge myself between them and know the effort is futile.
“I was just leaving,” Tobias says, stepping away, his gaze darting to me and zeroing in on the ring resting on my finger. “It’s your turn, Cecelia.”
My turn, my turn to keep up my end of the bargain. He wants to leave it like this?
Hell no.
“We aren’t done talking,” I snap before turning to Collin. “Please wait for me inside.”
“No need, she’s all yours,” Tobias says, twisting the knife in.
Collin rips his gaze from me, barking after Tobias who is barely a step past him. “Make sure you recite that to yourself on the way home. Or better yet, write it down,” Collin snaps. “That is if you can spell.”
“Tobias, no,” I groan in anguish just as Collin yelps when Tobias pins him to the snow-covered lounger. He lifts a clenched fist to his line of vision before playfully popping Collin on the nose with his knuckles. Bright red blood starts trickling out of his nose as I rip at Tobias’s shoulders. In one cruel move, Tobias has completely emasculated Collin.
Tobias shrugs me off easily as he leans down just an inch away from Collin’s gushing nose. “How does it feel to know that when you were fucking your future wife, she was thinking of me?”
Collin’s eyes bulge and water as he looks at me over Tobias’s shoulder, utter devastation etching his face.
Enraged, I pound on Tobias back. “Damn you, let him go!”
“I’ve got that thug dick she craves,” he sneers, sliding his crotch along Collin’s stomach as I rip at his shoulders as he leans in. “Can you make her come with just a finger and a whisper in her ear? I mastered that.” Tobias glances over at me, his eyes lit before turning back to Collin, hauling him off the lounger and righting him to stand before straightening his jacket. “If you needed some tips, all you had to do was ask.”
Tobias’s eyes go dim, all traces of humor gone. He brushes Collin’s shoulders as Collin glares at him, nose gushing. “Don’t insult me again, pretty boy, or playtime will be over.” Tobias releases him and turns to me. “Take him home, and while you’re at it, stay there.”
“You’re such a horrible bastard.”
“I never claimed to be a good man,” he says, taking long strides toward the gate. “Not once. That’s part of the story you made up in your head.” He smashes out of the gate, and I call after him.
“I’m not leaving!”
“Yes, you are.”
As if out of thin air, a car pulls up and Tobias slips in the passenger side. They tear off out of the driveway through the dense and heavily falling snow, disappearing out of sight.
I turn back to Collin, who glares at me from where he stands, holding his bloodied nose with his hand.
Fuck.
I bite my lip to fight a smile as I slide another tampon into Collin’s nose. He’s the polar opposite of Tobias with light, feather-soft blond hair, deep blue eyes, a runner’s build, lean and muscular, but absolutely no match for the blunt force he just thrust himself up against.
And I love him all the more for it. He’d charmed his way into my life with his British quirks and devoted friendship before he smuggled his way into my heart. And I do love him for his patience, for his caring, for his understanding, for the man he his, and the friend he’s been.
And in return, I’ve been selfish.
He looks up to me utterly baffled, his English accent muffled by the tampons clogging his nose. “This is not funny.”
“I know it’s not. I’m sorry you’re hurt, but I told you not to mess with him.”
“Who in the hell is he?”
“More than a thug in a suit, but man,” I can’t help my smile, “am I glad you said it.”
“This is the man you still claim to love?”
I slowly nod, knowing the truth is hurting him.
“Why?”
“I wish I knew. I would stop it in a heartbeat and walk down the aisle to you if I could. But I don’t deserve you. And I never did.”
“He didn’t fight for you, not at all. He told you to leave.”
He killed for me, made deals with his enemy for me. Protected me at the cost of losing his brother, all the while denying himself his own happiness.
“He’s sacrificed more than any man should for me.”
“How so?”
“It’s a long story and not mine to tell.” I scoop up the blood-splattered paper towels and feel Collin’s eyes on me as I clean up the table.
“How is it not yours to tell?”
“Because I came into it long after it started.”
“We were the best of friends before we dated,” he reminds me, incredulous. “And you never told me any of this. Just that your father died, and you weren’t close. How have you lived this whole other existence here witho
ut my knowledge? How do you have this whole past that you’ve never even hinted to? I thought I knew you, Cecelia.”
Guilt, so much guilt mars me as I gaze down at him. Another victim of my sordid tale. “It was a year. Just one year, but it changed everything for me.
Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wish it had never happened, but regardless, it made me who I am.” I kneel before him. “I’m so sorry. I am. I never meant for you to know about him. Or any of this, but this is who I truly am. And the woman you met is me as well. I’m just built from more than I let on, and I’m tired of hiding the other parts of myself.”
“Because you were promiscuous?”
“That’s not everything, that’s not…” I sigh, “I should have never admitted that to you.”
“I’ll be hard-pressed to forget it now.”
“And I’m so sorry. So sorry for that. But I did it so you would never have to face him, to avoid this situation, because I am the bad guy. Feel free to paint me any way you want to our friends. I’ll deserve it. Trust me. I’ve condemned myself enough trying to live with it. But in doing so, I’ve denied myself the freedom to want what I want.”
“And it’s him?”
“Yes. But Collin, what you and I had was special. It was built on the right things, friendship, trust, mutual respect. It was healthy, and I’m so grateful every day for what we had together—for you. I didn’t take your proposal lightly, and I should have thrived in our relationship, but I didn’t. I was hiding behind it.”
“And you’re here to what, to win him back?”
“I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have,” I say, gripping his hand. “I don’t want to keep telling you things that you’ll hate me for.”
“And if he refuses you?”
“He is, and he will continue to, and I’ll have to live with it, but I won’t ever put anyone else in your position again. Hurting you was my rock bottom and the end of my denial.”
“And he’s a good man?”
“He’s a very complicated man, that’s for sure. But he also happens to be a man I can’t stop wanting no matter how complicated he is.”
“So, you’re really ending this for a man you may never have?”
I stand and run my hand through his hair before cupping his jaw. “I hope you’ll believe our breakup is for more than me. I broke our engagement because you deserve a woman who can forget her past and be solely yours, and I truly want you to be happy.”
“And what about your happiness?”
“I don’t know, Collin. I guess…” I repeat Tobias’s words. “I don’t get a happy ending. I just get an ending.”
Collin slips on his jacket, destroyed after hours of sorting our lives out, after more tears and arguing and one last attempt by him to take me home. And as I follow him out to his car, I acknowledge that my life back home is truly over. After a painful negotiation, he’s moving me out of our home and putting my things in storage. Once I leave Triple Falls, I’m moving forward, not going back. There’ll be nothing to go back to. The life, the lie I lived for years, is over. He pulls away with my ring in his pocket, and I stand staring after him for long minutes, mourning the loss of him, stuck in the truth.
It’s been a week, another lonely week of driving through hills and valleys, of talking to Dominic where he rests, of sorting through memories. I drive by the garage daily but never stop. With the transition nearly complete, especially with Tobias’s surprising cooperation, I know my time is almost up. Maybe it’s closure I sought out, but after all that’s happened, knowing the truth of the lengths he went to, the truth of his feelings for me then and now, I’m hard-pressed to just up and leave, to fully let it go. But he’s made his decision, and he continually makes it every day keeping me at arm’s length.
But my foolish heart refuses to forget how torn he was the night he drove me home. The words he spoke, the way he touched me, he wanted to touch me. He said things to me I could only dream of hearing.
He still loves me, but he refuses to let himself.
Guilt. Guilt separates us, but it was our mistakes that made us.
But he still wants me, despite our mistakes, despite our history.
Even with the gorgeous woman that waits in his bed.
But he is with her.
And he’s with her now as he walks through the door of the restaurant. Stunned by their sudden appearance, I sink in my seat, lifting my book higher, my gaze just over the edge as my waitress approaches with another glass of wine.
I send up a silent prayer, hoping the hostess seats them as far away from me as possible. But I can’t look away as Alicia smiles at him over her shoulder as he slips off her jacket.
It’s hell on Earth watching them function like a couple. I lift my glass, gulping down half the contents to fight the raging jealousy stirring within me.
Though we had played house for nearly a month, we never had the luxury of being in public. Once we let our hostility go and embraced the other, they had been the most fulfilling weeks of my life. But his choice is clear tonight as he wines and dines her, and my appetite disappears.
I thank my waitress when my pasta is set in front of me and curse my fucking luck as they’re seated in a booth adjacent from me.
Tobias is facing away, but Alicia can get a clear view of me where I sit at a two-seater, alone, next to the window facing the street. I flip a page in the book I’m no longer reading and lift my fork, the food flavorless as I force myself to chew and swallow. Alicia beams at Tobias from where she sits while rocks form in my throat.
Fuck this.
Lifting my hand to summon my waitress for a box, I knock my wine over. It spills to the carpet, and I’m thankful for the lack of sound, but it’s too late. Alicia’s eyes find me as I shuffle to stand, pulling my napkin from my lap to blot the carpet. Except it’s not my napkin, it’s the tablecloth I mistake it for, and now my dinner has joined my wine. It’s from the floor that I see a flash of flame as the candle on my table tips before it sets the cloth on fire.
I hear the terrified cry of a woman to my left as I lift my water glass to douse the flames. Thankfully it goes out, but not before setting my book alight. Before I can lift the linen to snuff it out, I’m pushed out of the way, and it’s done for me. Spiced citrus wafts through the air as I curse fate. Curse my inability to make a silent and smooth exit.
I can’t look at him. I refuse to.
“Thank you.”
His dark chuckle rumbles, lifting the air between us with the sweet sound. “You’re far less smooth than you were at eleven.”
“That’s clear.”
He lifts the half charred, half soaked book in his hands.
I glance at it, chest aching, utterly devastated that it’s now just another ruined piece of my history, our history. Tears threaten, and I sniff them back as I gather my purse.
“It’s just a book, Cecelia.”
But it’s not, it’s the last piece of me that clung to hope. It’s more than a simple possession, and he knows it. Finally, I lift my eyes to his, fire and water collide, and in them, I see those days we spent in his enemy’s house. The days and hours we talked, laughed, fought, fucked, and made love while he whispered things to me that made me breathe differently. “Yeah, it’s nothing, right?”
“Oh my God, are you okay?” My waitress intercepts as she dips to gather the dishes from the floor.
“I’m so sorry,” I say softly, my eyes fixed on Tobias. My words meant for him. He absorbs them. “J’espère que je pourrais…” I wish I could be…
“Be what?” Tobias asks softly, his words wrapping around my heart, the gentleness in his gaze stealing my breath.
I know Alicia is watching our exchange, but I refuse to look away.
The waitress stands after collecting some of the mess from the floor. “I’ll get you a new cloth, wine, dinner,” she laughs softly, “sorry, I can’t do anything about the book.”
“That’s not necessary. And to be honest, the mini-series
was better,” I joke, a shitty attempt at masking my pain, but the shake in my voice makes it clear, “and I was just leaving.”
She looks at Tobias, her eyes widening as she drinks him in.
He’s beautiful, isn’t he? He’s my thorn, and with him, I sang the sweetest song.
“And losing him,” I say aloud finishing the thought, taken fully by the seconds that pass, and he lets me in, truly lets me in, his gaze just as filled with longing, with our shared history. He remembers. He remembers us. He remembers everything.
“Pourquoi la vie est-elle si cruelle?” Why is life so cruel? I ask him, my eyes glazing.
“Is that French?” My oblivious waitress asks busy with her task of trying, in vain, to right everything in my tilted world, “It’s beautiful.”
“How much do I owe? Because I don’t think I can afford to pay much more,” I ask somberly, addressing the man in front of me.
“Nothing, honey. I’ll take care of it. You didn’t eat.”
Tobias swallows, clear conflicted emotion in his eyes as I open my purse and place some cash on the newly covered table, my gaze still locked on his.
“I’ll get your change.” She says, taking the offered cash and glancing between us, her face sobering as we stare off into our past.
I shake my head. “All yours.”
She thanks me and leaves us standing and staring. And that’s what we do as the seconds pass, getting our first good look at each other as the haze of hurts we’ve been harboring finally clears and for the first time, see the other past it.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have come, but I just wanted to see…” A lone tear slides down my cheek as I fail to gather myself and shake my head. I glance down at the book and fold his fingers around the charred pages. I give a self-deprecating laugh as tears cloud my vision again, and I admit my greatest truth.
“Je suppose que je serai toujours la fille qui pleure à la lune.” I guess I’ll always be the girl crying for the moon.”
