Here’s hoping this is not the end for us.
All my very best,
Cassie X
Rose is startled by a light knocking on the window next to her. Still sitting behind the wheel of her car outside Cara’s house, she looks up from her phone and the email she’s been staring at for ages now. She sees Cara peering in through the grimy glass, which is badly in need of a wash since their trip to the Lakes. She winds down the window.
‘There you are, my glorious guest,’ Cara says, doing a decent impression of Bob from Buttermere, theatrical flourish and all. ‘What are you doing sitting out here, alone in your car? It’s a bit weird.’ She narrows her eyes. ‘Are you pretending to be a cop on a stakeout, or a stalker perhaps?’
‘Very funny,’ Rose replies, grinning and shaking her head.
‘Hmm. Just to be clear, my parents have agreed to you staying over. There’s really no need for you to live out of your car. Although, I mean, you can, if you really want to. At least I’ll get to escape your snoring.’
‘What? You’re the one who snores, Cara, thank you very much.’
‘Lies! Seriously, though, what are you up to out here? You’ve been parked for ages. Everything okay?’
‘Oh, yeah. I was reading an email on my phone, that’s all.’
Cara winks. ‘On my phone, you mean?’ Her face falls as she adds: ‘Hang on, it’s not from bloody Ryan, is it?’
‘No, thankfully not.’
‘Something interesting, though?’
Rose shrugs. ‘Maybe.’
‘Fine, don’t tell me, Miss Mysterious. How was the meal?’
‘Better than expected.’
‘Good. And your mother? Sorry, Cassie, I mean.’
‘She wasn’t there. It was just Dad and Nana. Long story.’
‘What? You’re joking. What a—’
‘No, it wasn’t like that. She had to rush back home. Her husband had an accident. He’s all right, kind of … I’ll fill you in later.’
Cara nods. ‘So are you coming in or what? You’re still planning to stay here tonight, right?’
‘Yes, if that’s okay.’
‘Obvs.’
As they walk inside, arm in arm, like they used to when they were girls, Rose asks: ‘What’s it like having a brother and sister?’
‘Fine, I guess. Why do you ask?’
Rose scratches the side of her nose. ‘Oh, no particular reason. I was wondering, that’s all, me being an only child and everything.’
After pausing to think, Cara lowers her voice, adding: ‘I didn’t really appreciate them when I was younger, constantly living at home with them. They often annoyed the hell out of me, messing with my stuff and winding me up. But I don’t mind them so much nowadays, particularly since I started at university. I even miss them at times when I’m in Edinburgh. Once we’re all grown up, with our own lives, I reckon we’ll get on quite well. I’ll never be as close to them as I am to you – that’s different – but yeah, I guess it’s quite nice actually, having siblings.’
Rose nods and smiles at her friend. Good to know.
What would Cassie’s four children be to her, she considers: step-siblings? No, more than that, since Cassie has adopted them. Half-brothers and sisters, then? That sounds about right.
Two sets of twins, quite close to her in age, twenty and seventeen.
Interesting. Maybe that big family she’s always aspired to having is still within her grasp, despite the collapse of her marriage plans.
That would, however, mean letting Cassie into her life.
Is that something she’d be prepared to do after all that’s happened?
It’s too early to say. Her mind has been so busy processing her battered, reeling emotions regarding Ryan and their cancelled wedding that she hasn’t properly considered the implications of Cassie’s bombshell revelation yet. A person can only handle so much at once. Maybe that’s why she’s been walking around in a fog, the events of the past several days swirling around her head as if they happened in a dream.
Is this some kind of inbuilt emotional defence mechanism?
If so, it only works to a degree.
And yet, somehow, she knows in her heart that she’s already partway towards forgiving her dad. How could she not, ultimately, considering everything else he’s done to raise, protect and cherish her over the years? She’s loved and adored him her entire life, knowing he feels every bit the same. She’s her father’s daughter. Always has been, always will be.
Trust is another matter. Another process. Rose doesn’t even know where to begin with that, having seen hers demolished on so many fronts.
Will she ever truly trust anyone again?
As for Cassie, there’s no shared history to fall back on, no love or family loyalty. Rose owes her nothing. And yet, as her email shows, Cassie knows that only too well. She’s not asking Rose for anything. She’s holding out an olive branch.
Would there really be any harm in accepting it, at least tentatively? What does Rose have to lose?
To gain, on the other hand … a mother?
No, it’s way too soon to even think about that possibility. Far too painful.
Having brothers and sisters, though. How often did her childhood self use to fantasise about that very thing? Just one sibling would have been a dream come true. And now here she is, facing the possibility of meeting four of them.
That has to be worth considering.
EPILOGUE
TWO MONTHS LATER
Rose exits the busy double-decker train at Amsterdam Central Station, one hand clutching the shoulder strap of her weekend bag, the other clamped around her ticket.
It was only a short journey from Schiphol: a vast airport, but thankfully one in which English speakers are amply catered for. The way to the onsite railway station was well signposted; paying her fare and getting to the right platform was easy, thanks to a smiling, immaculately presented Dutchman.
‘Do you speak English?’ she asked him on approaching his ticket booth.
‘Of course,’ he replied, nodding gently. ‘How can I help you today?’
Now she’s impressed how the people waiting to board the train calmly make space to allow her and her fellow disembarkees to leave first. Very civilised, she thinks, especially in such a busy city.
But as she makes her way along the platform and down an escalator, soon entering the station’s busy shopping area, she finds she can barely think at all. She’s far too nervous.
After spotting the main entrance, outside of which is the meeting point she’s heading towards, she moves to one side of the throng and takes a moment to compose herself.
‘Come on, Rose,’ she whispers, jaw clenched as she stares down at her suede ankle boots. ‘You can do this. It won’t be as awkward as you fear. It’ll be fine.’
After taking several slow, deep breaths, she wipes her clammy palms on the back of her jeans and forces herself to continue, glad of the cool air as she steps outside.
‘Rose!’ she hears almost instantly ‘Over here.’
She turns her head in the direction of the familiar voice – and sees Cassie wearing a broad smile and waving from a few metres away, already walking towards her.
What now? Her mind whizzes through various possibilities of how to greet the woman who gave birth to her. But before she can make a decision, Cassie does it for her, grabbing her gently but firmly by the shoulders, looking her in the eye, nodding, and then planting a quick kiss on Rose’s right cheek.
‘There you are!’ Cassie says, her eyes twinkling with enthusiasm. ‘Welcome to Amsterdam. It’s so good to see you again at last, Rose. I was over the moon when you agreed to meet me here. I’ve barely thought of anything else for the past few days. How are you? You look wonderful. And wow, I love the new haircut. It’s gorgeous.’
‘I’m fine,’ Rose replies, hoping she doesn’t look as overwhelmed as she feels. ‘I’ve actually had this hairstyle for a bit now. I got it not long after, um �
� you know.’
‘Well, it really suits you. Good journey?’
‘Yes, thanks. How, er, how are you?’
‘Very well, thank you. All the better for seeing you again.’
‘What about Ed?’
‘He’s not bad, thanks for asking. Definitely on the mend.’ Cassie rolls her eyes. ‘Getting under my feet and trying to do far too much, mind. You’d think he’d have learned his lesson by now, wouldn’t you? Honestly, I despair sometimes.’
‘What about Rory, Niall, Niamh and Shauna?’
A puzzled look flashes across Cassie’s face in response to this question. Rose wonders if she expects her to feel hostile towards them, jealous perhaps? Quite the opposite is true. The prospect of eventually meeting the two sets of twins is one of the reasons she’s here now. Maybe Cassie’s just surprised that Rose remembers their names.
‘They’re all very well,’ she replies after a short pause. ‘They’ve been a big help with their father – and they’re under strict orders to watch him like a hawk while I’m away this time. I know they’d love to meet you some day.’
I hope so, Rose thinks. She’s planning to ask to see some photos later on. Cassie’s bound to have plenty on her mobile.
It feels so weird seeing her again. They’ve exchanged emails and had a couple of brief phone calls since Cassie returned to Ireland, but that’s it. Rose spent much of her journey today wondering if the whole trip was a mistake. She almost didn’t get out of the car when her dad dropped her off at Manchester Airport. He pretty much had to turf her out. But now she’s here, she knows she has to at least give it a go.
Cassie suggested the idea on a call last month, picking Amsterdam because they’d spoken about it at length on that fateful spa day and she knew Rose had never visited the city before.
‘I could come to you, otherwise,’ Cassie said. ‘Or, of course, you’d be very welcome to visit me here in Ireland. But I thought neutral ground might work best. And I’d love to have the chance to introduce you to such a special city.’
‘Can I think about it?’ Rose replied.
‘Absolutely.’
She really wasn’t sure, but after talking it through first with Cara, then with her dad and her nana, she decided to give it a go. Nothing ventured, and so on.
Cassie arrived yesterday, so she could visit her old friends Bianca and Jeroen. Tonight and tomorrow night, she and Rose are booked into a boutique hotel close to Rembrandtplein, near the bar where she once worked.
The idea of the trip? Rose isn’t entirely sure.
To get to know each other better?
To try to cement an ongoing relationship?
To give her the chance to quiz Cassie further about everything she’s done?
All possible. All potentially problematic.
‘How’s your dad?’ Cassie asks, the two of them still standing at the front of the train station. ‘I was so glad when I heard that you’d moved back home. Are the two of you—’
‘We’re fine.’
Not entirely true, but this is as much as she’s prepared to divulge for now. All that’s happened has, inevitably, put a degree of strain on Rose’s relationship with her father. Returning home was initially a practical decision more than anything else. She could hardly crash at Cara’s parents’ house forever. And with no job yet in sight, it wasn’t like she could afford a place of her own.
Since she’s moved back, Dave’s had to contend with quite a few tears and tantrums as she struggles to come to terms with the new normal. But to be fair to him, he’s taken it all on the chin. And he’s been there for her constantly, as he always was before: a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, a source of advice, a sounding board for ideas. Whatever she needs.
He’s writing almost every day now. Annoyingly, he refuses to tell anyone what about, but he has at least promised that it’s not based on anything to do with her.
Meanwhile, he’s put no pressure on her about what to do next with her life, telling her to take as long as she requires to work things through. She definitely hasn’t forgotten his role in keeping the truth from her for so long, yet she can’t help but love him dearly.
The same is true of her grandmother, who, ultimately, was given very little choice but to go along with the big lie.
She was most understanding when Rose opted not to go on what should have been her honeymoon – and Nana’s wedding gift – to St Lucia. There had been talk of possibly transferring Ryan’s tickets to someone else, but Rose couldn’t face it. There was no way she’d have been able to enjoy herself there, even with Cara. It was spoiled and would have been a constant reminder of her misery. She’d have probably ended up drinking like a fish in between crying and scowling at all the honeymooners. Definitely not a good idea.
In the present, nodding at Rose’s brusque reply, Cassie gets the hint and moves on. ‘What about you-know-who: the idiot who didn’t deserve you? Have you heard anything more from him?’
‘It’s okay, you can mention his name without me bursting into tears.’ Rose frowns. ‘No, I’ve managed to avoid any direct contact with Ryan since I dumped him, thank goodness. And long may it remain that way. Don’t worry, I won’t make the mistake of forgiving him twice, and I think he knows that. Anyhow, should we make our way to the hotel so I can get rid of my bag and freshen up?’
‘You took the words right out of my mouth,’ Cassie says. ‘But first I have a little surprise for you. Would you like to follow me?’
Rose agrees, despite feeling apprehensive, joining her as she turns around and, at a sprightly pace, walks away from the station entrance. Soon they arrive at what looks like a multistorey carpark – only it’s not for cars, it’s for bicycles.
‘What on earth?’
‘I told you they love their bikes here,’ Cassie replies, beaming. ‘Mine’s up on the third floor. I hired it earlier. I’ll cycle and you can sit on the rear bag rack. You know, just like I did with Bianca when I first arrived here all those years ago. You remember me telling you that, don’t you?’
‘Yes, of course.’ Rose’s stomach feels queasy at the mere thought of this. ‘That, um. Yeah, okay, right. That sounds … interesting.’
‘I mean, you can cycle if you prefer,’ Cassie says, ‘and I’ll go on the back. But I’d have to shout directions to you. I’m fairly sure I remember the way. What do you think, Rose?’
She doesn’t know how to answer. Neither option sounds remotely appealing, so she stands there, gawping, no words coming out.
A furrow appears in Cassie’s brow as her face falls. She stares back, blinking several times, not saying anything either.
Oh no, this isn’t going to end well, Rose thinks, fearing she’s ruined the surprise. Not exactly a good start to the trip.
‘Oh God, I’ve messed up, haven’t I?’ Cassie says eventually in a quiet, hurt voice. ‘Sorry. I can’t believe I thought this was a good idea. I was desperately trying to think of a fun way to make it up to you for, um, messing up the hotel booking. Clearly I’ve done the exact opposite.’
Her words take a second to sink in. ‘What do you mean? What’s messed up about the booking?’
Cassie pulls an awkward face. ‘It’s okay. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. There’s always Bianca and Jeroen’s place, although, saying that, they did mention something about having other guests tonight.’
‘What’s the problem with the hotel?’ Rose asks again, feeling a sense of panic rise in her chest. ‘Please just tell me.’
‘They’ve put us together in one room.’ Cassie utters this in little more than a whisper, pausing before adding, quieter still: ‘A double.’
Rose looks away as she attempts to process this information on top of the ridiculous mode of transport. Her blood’s boiling, but she tries desperately to hold in her rage. This isn’t Cassie’s fault, she thinks. Try to stay calm.
As composed as she can manage, Rose turns around … only to see Cassie crack a smile, which turns into a grin
, soon accompanied by a chuckle.
‘Your face!’ she says, properly giggling now and placing a reassuring hand on Rose’s arm. ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. Don’t worry, it’s not true. I have already been to the hotel and it’s lovely. Everything’s in order. We have separate rooms across from each other. And we’re not going on a bicycle either. We’ll take the tram, or a taxi if you prefer.’
Rose thinks about being angry for a split second, but it doesn’t take. Cassie’s well-meaning laughter is too infectious. Instead, she rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Smiling, she wags a finger in her mother’s direction. ‘I’ll get you back for this. Just you wait.’
As they board the tram together a few minutes later, both still laughing about it, Rose realises that this could actually be an enjoyable trip, if she lets her hair down and rolls with it. Perhaps the two of them can find a way to make things work somehow, despite what’s gone before. It won’t be easy. There are still plenty of tough conversations to be had. But there’s definitely a chink of light at the end of the tunnel.
It also dawns on Rose that, unconsciously and for the very first time, she just thought of Cassie as her mother.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thank you to everyone who helped me to produce my sixth novel during such strange, distressing times.
Covid-19 has no role whatsoever to play in this story, partly because I planned and started writing it before the global pandemic took hold. But also, why would I do that to my fictional world? I was very happy to escape reality on this occasion.
Hats off to my wife – as always, my fantastic first reader – and my daughter. Somehow you both managed to put up with me through lockdown as I experienced the usual ups and downs of crafting a novel.
Thanks to my ever patient and supportive parents and sister for always being at the end of the phone when required. Mum, my chats with you about plot and characters really helped me to get unstuck on several occasions. Much appreciated!
And, of course, thank you to my wonderful literary agent Pat Lomax, my excellent editor Molly Walker-Sharp, eagle-eyed copy editor Laura McCallen, plus all the other brilliant staff at Avon, HarperCollins and Bell Lomax Moreton.
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