by steve higgs
Oh brother.
‘Gemma is working there as a spy, risking her life to expose the truth.' He gave her hand a squeeze. ‘Their plan is to seed the world with their superior genetic code. Through their breeding program they will develop superior creatures that will obey their instructions and when their numbers are a match for ours, they will strike. No one will see it coming and because we will have been eating their modified livestock, we ourselves will be unable to resist their commands. That is why Gemma and I are vegan. Only true vegans can survive the coming apocalypse.'
Gemma saw the look on my face. ‘You have to believe him.’ She begged. ‘I have infiltrated the farm unnoticed. The farmers are all in on it. The aliens must have promised them that they would be spared or that they would be granted seats of power under the new order. I can’t stop them by myself. Will you help us?’
Wowza, these guys were full crazy. ‘Look,’ I started. Then stopped because they were both looking beyond me at something else.
‘Who did you tell about this?' Gemma's boyfriend screeched. ‘You set us up.' He was trying to pull his jacket over his head to hide.
I spun around to see what had spooked them. Behind me, Uncle Knobhead and Jack were walking towards me with Bob filming everything.
‘I thought I could trust you.’ Wailed Gemma.
Ignoring the two teenage nutters, I crossed my arms and gave the two men a hard stare. ‘I’m going to guess that your presence here is not a coincidence, so have you bugged my car, or are you tracking my phone?’
Jack was talking to the camera as usual, ‘… new Alien Quest co-host Amanda Harper is meeting with two victims of the alien activities here in Kent. Let’s hear what information she was able to obtain from them. Will it help us track the aliens to their base on earth? Will we be able to stop the invasion together? Heed me Alien Questers: We will need your help soon.’
He had closed the distance to me, his annoying smile revealing perfect whitened teeth as he pushed the microphone he held under my nose. Bob stepped back and to the left to make sure we were both in shot and my Uncle, grinning like an idiot, waved to the camera.
‘We’re live, Amanda. Tell your audience what you learned tonight.’
‘We’re live?’ I asked.
‘Yes,’ he said, turning his face to the camera. ‘Right now, millions of viewers are seeing you for the first time.’
‘And me.’ Added Uncle Knobhead.
Jack ignored him. ‘They want to know if they can sleep safely in their beds tonight. Are the aliens coming? Or are they already here?'
‘We’re streaming live right now?’ I confirmed.
‘That’s right.’
I kicked him in the nuts.
He folded in half, dropped the microphone, cupped his groin and slowly collapsed to the ground while groaning. It was assault. I doubted he would be pressing charges though.
I turned to the camera. ‘If there really is anyone dumb enough to be watching this rubbish, go and find something to do with your life. There are no aliens. There never has been. Put on some clothes, leave the house and go meet someone, a friend, a relative, just get out and have a life.’ I gave a tiny bow and turned back to look at my uncle.
‘That was solid gold.’ Bob said breathlessly behind me. ‘Our best show yet.’
Uncle Knobhead was dumbstruck, his eyes switching wildly between me, Jack, and the camera Bob was still holding.
‘How did you find me?’ I demanded
I guess he saw that I meant business because he ratted his new best friend Jack out in a heartbeat. ‘He had me put a tracker on your car.’ He blurted while pointing at the prone figure.
I took a step towards Jack. ‘Why?’
‘I needed to know where you were going. This is a great story.’ Jack managed to grunt out. ‘Just don’t kick me again, okay?’
‘Where is it.’ I hissed at my Uncle.
‘On the roof by the GPS aerial thing.’
I walked over to my car where, sure enough, there was a small, silver thing about the size and shape of a bottle cap stuck to the roof of my car. I might never have noticed it. It came away when I levered a fingernail beneath it. I carried it back to them.
‘Any more of these?’ I asked. ‘Another one fitted as back up?’
‘Nope.’ Jack said. ‘Look, I just wanted to join forces with you. You are a natural for the camera. Together we could have millions of viewers and you are already a paranormal detective. It’s a perfect match.’
‘I said no already.’
‘I can’t take no for an answer.’ He was beginning to get up.
‘How very rapey of you.’ I snapped. ‘I’m leaving. Don’t follow me.’
Gemma and her boyfriend had scurried back to his car. A squeal of tyres heralded their departure from the supermarket carpark. It had been a wasted evening. One I could have spent with Brett doing things that would have been far more interesting. That was still going to happen, but I had to stifle a yawn when I thought about it. I had been going for hours already. I was going into the supermarket to get a can of something filled with sugar and caffeine.
‘Amanda.’ My Uncle was calling my name and running after me. ‘Amanda.’
I slowed my pace and turned to give him a mouthful.
‘I’m sorry, love. I was just trying to be helpful. I always get it wrong.’ I wanted to shout at him, but it still felt like kicking a puppy. He was just so crap and useless and had been getting it wrong his entire life.
I opened my mouth but couldn’t work out what I wanted to say. He spoke for me. ‘Uncle Knobhead. I couldn’t think of a more apt name for myself. You’re the only family I have, Amanda. You and your mother, and your mum doesn’t really want to see me ever. If I could make a mess of it, I have done. Every relationship, every job, every opportunity. I might as well accept it and leave you be.’ He had his daft pork pie hat in his hands and was turning it nervously, looking pathetic.
Whether he was deliberately trying to make me feel bad for him or not, it was working. I needed to say something positive to him, but the truth was that he was right. He had made a mess of his life.
‘I thought I might be able to help Jack and maybe get a semi-regular spot on his show, because, you know, I was kidnapped by aliens and all. I thought it might finally be the break I have dreamed of. A chance to be someone.’
I hung my head. Then a thought occurred to me and I looked back up with a smile.
‘How would you like to look for lights in the sky with me?’
He brightened instantly. ‘Really?’
‘Get in.’
Lights in the Sky. Thursday, November 10th 2043hrs
My uncle jabbered like a chimpanzee as I drove back to Cliffe Woods again. I wasn't listening to what he was saying, he was babbling nonsense about alien conspiracy through the years, but I did pick up that he really knew the subject. He was full of facts about the Roswell crash site, meteor impacts, and alien encounters, about films on the subject and how some directors had clearly employed consultants who had been kidnapped because their depiction was so accurate.
I thought about Brett and what I should be doing with him tonight. I had called him from the car park to let him know I would be getting home later than planned. He asked if I wanted to postpone. I was trying not to yawn when he asked but I couldn't suppress it. Generous as always, he assured me it was fine to postpone, he had work in the morning too. Then he said some naughty things about what he planned to do to me that made butterflies flit around my tummy, promised to see me on Saturday instead and was gone.
While I daydreamed about his yummy body, next to me Uncle Knobhead kept on jabbering nonsense. I didn’t interrupt him, it helped to pass the time as I tried to find the place Fred had said to go.
In the end, it was easy to tell we had found the right place because there were dozens of cars parked at the side of the road. Cliffe Woods is a flat expanse of land that is barely higher than the Thames Estuary it borders. There are lots an
d lots of lakes and very little contour, so the one hill that exists in the area had attracted all the alien watchers because it provided an elevated view from which to watch the sky.
As we neared the cars, someone jumped out at me, I caught a flash of an arm in my headlights, making me jump.
I jabbed the brake in reaction and the person tapped on my window.
‘Turn your lights off.’ The person insisted.
I complied, but now the darkness enveloped me. The unseen person tapped on the window again. I powered it down an inch.
‘I'll guide you in. Just follow my light. Oh, hello again.' It was Fred. ‘Found the place okay then?' He didn't wait for me to answer, instead, he vanished into the dark and turned on a flashlight with a red filter. It was almost the only thing I could see as I followed it a few yards further down the road. He was walking in front of me.
‘What’s all this about?’ Asked Uncle Knobhead.
‘The red light doesn't penetrate very far, and I am guessing they want everyone's lights off to maintain the darkness here. Away from the city, it is much darker, which gives a far better view of the sky.' Fortunately for me, I had practised using a red light for night manoeuvres while I was in the police. Only once or twice though and I was not a fan as it is so disorienting. I couldn't see anything right now and could be getting led into a bog for all I knew. Just when I felt my panic rising, the light shut off and the man appeared back at my window.
‘Welcome.’ Fred said through the glass of my window.
I grabbed my phone, killed the engine and opened my door. ‘Let’s go.’
Uncle Knobhead got out of his side and came around to join me.
‘Follow me. They are already here.’ Whispered Fred.
Who is? I wondered as I scrambled up the bank behind him. Then, as we breached the crest of the small hill, I saw what he was referring to. There were a pair of green lights in the sky.
We were looking out over the moonlit plains that led to the Thames, way off in the distance. Light coming through the clouds was reflecting off ponds and small lakes, making the landscape light enough to make out features. Not that there was anything to see – no houses or buildings or roads. The farms were behind me somewhere to the East, the land ahead was too boggy for agriculture.
No one was looking at the land though. The eyes of the hundred or so people present on the hillside around me were all glued to the green lights as they whizzed around in the sky.
My heart was thudding in my chest. What was I seeing?
Uncle Knobhead whispered a question into my ear. ‘Still think there are no aliens?' I turned my face slightly to see him while also keeping an eye on the lights. ‘The same thing was seen a few years ago in New Zealand.' He explained. ‘The phenomenon went on for six weeks. They sent up light aircraft to get close to them, but each time they did, the lights just disappeared. In the few shots they were able to get, all you can see is the lights. Proof of cloaking technology. The leading theory regarding the lights is that they are the exhaust ports for their propulsion system and cannot be cloaked.'
‘Why is there no noise?’ I asked. It was eerily quiet if there were two alien spacecraft overhead.
‘That one I cannot explain. I did read a NASA engineer's report on organic engines once though. He proposed that it would be possible to make an engine that had no clunky moving parts and would not burn a fossil fuel as we would need. Their technology must be so advanced that we don't even understand it.'
Mesmerised, I watched the lights perform a series of intricate spirals. They were almost dancing in the sky. Fifteen minutes later I was still watching them and hadn't spoken at any point. Then the pair of lights dropped vertically down to hug the ground. They were a mile or more away and at that low level, they were close enough to the foliage that they kept disappearing as branches obscured our view.
Then they were gone.
What had I just witnessed?
The crowd of people on the hill were beginning to move.
A voice appeared by my right ear. ‘That will be all for tonight. They won’t be back.’ Said Fred. ‘This is what we get most nights.’
‘Are they here every night?’ I asked
‘No.’ Fred replied. ‘Tuesday and Thursdays mostly but they have been seen at other times.’
‘Tuesdays and Thursdays?’
‘That’s right.’
‘Doesn’t that seem awfully specific?’
‘They’re aliens, love. We are supposed to struggle to understand them. There is probably a code embedded in their movements that is being received by a mothership stationed outside our detection range.’
I needed to stop asking the crazy people questions. They always had answers.
I thanked him and bid him a good evening, then carefully made my way back down the hill to find my car.
After I dropped Uncle Knobhead off at his flat in the nearby village of Snodland, the question of what the lights were would keep me awake into the small hours.
Lights in the sky. If I told myself they were man-made I had to instantly ask myself how. The mystery was deepening and I was as clueless now as I had been two days ago.
New Evidence. Friday, November 11th 0745hrs
I hadn’t slept well and woke up tired. I rolled onto my back, warm and snug beneath the covers and told myself to get up. I had things to do. I needed to go for a run or go to the gym and I needed to get back on the stupid alien invasion case.
I was reluctant to move from where I was though, so I stayed there – just a few more minutes I told myself.
In my head, I ran through the case.
The farmers were in financial trouble. That was what Kieron had told me and I had no reason to doubt it since they had hired me to save them from bankruptcy. James had thus far had little luck confirming their financial picture though.
Kieron’s wife wanted him to sell. Was she just sounding off? Or was that a genuine clue?
Something was getting into the milk. The crime scene guys would work out what it was probably (need to remember to buy donuts). But the question to answer still was how it was getting into the cows.
The strange lights in the sky were probably nothing to do with the case. Unless, of course, there really was an imminent alien invasion and the milk and crop circles were a part of the same problem.
Then what about the landing site with the burnt circles in the grass?
Kieron had an unusually stroppy wife. She was going to deliver the baby any day but there was still something about her attitude that didn't fit.
Gordon the farm manager was horrible and arrogant and seemed convinced that he was the one in charge. He was up to something, but I couldn’t tell what.
There was a mysterious person in a hoody that was giving me cryptic clues that so far meant nothing.
Adding it all up just gave me a headache. I had to admit I had not a single lead. Then I remembered the two college kids and called the number I had for them again. I got the same response as usual when the person at the other end rejected the call once more. If I wanted to talk to them, I would have to seek them out. Locating them was a task I had already given to James.
Feeling a renewed determination to start eliminating some of the questions, I threw off my covers. It was cool in my flat, my naked skin suddenly goose-pimpling as I shuffled into a pair of fluffy mules to fetch my handbag.
As I left the bedroom, two faces turned to face me.
I screamed and leaped back through the door I had just left. ‘What the hell are you doing in my apartment?’ I yelled when the shock subsided.
I peeked around the doorframe. On the sofa, looking very sheepish were Jack Hammer and Uncle Knobhead. I had just shown them everything I had to show and the heat from my red cheeks was making me feel quite livid.
They still hadn't answered my question. ‘What are you doing here?' I demanded with a lot more volume.
‘Ack.’ Said Uncle Knobhead. He cleared his dry throat and tried again. ‘We have
a new lead.’ He tried, uncertain that this would justify being in my flat.
Jack looked less perturbed. ‘A Polish lorry driver found the spacecraft last night. He took a video of it and the alien pilot and yours truly has the only copy. I aired some sneak peeks of it last night.' He claimed proudly. ‘This way, the main reveal tonight will get many times more viewers.'
I fumbled for a dressing gown to cover myself up. Then, as I tied it around my waist, I stomped back into the living area. ‘I don’t give a…’ I almost swore but caught myself. ‘A hoot, what evidence you have. How did you get in here?’
Each got an accusing stare from me. I was used to interrogating suspects. These two would crack in no time.
Or I would hit them with something.
Uncle Knobhead looked the guiltier of the pair. I pierced him with laser eyes. ‘I, ur. I learned a few tricks when I was less law-abiding than I am now.' He was struggling to meet my glare.
‘Get out.' I hissed. When neither moved in the next nanosecond I repeated my instruction at a bellow.
‘What about the video of the alien spaceship?’ Jack asked as he scurried toward the door.
‘Get out!’
Halfway out the door, he stuck his head back through. ‘We’ll wait outside then?’ He didn’t wait for an answer though as a picture frame was hurtling at his face. It hit the wall and stuck into the plasterboard for a moment before falling.
I fumed silently for a moment. Far too many people were seeing me naked recently. With the exception of Brett, which I was totally fine with, my boss, my best friend, the office assistant James, Big Ben, about fifty police officers, many of whom I knew and now my Uncle and the dickhead from the internet show had all got a good look at me.
It made me feel icky.
I went for a shower.
When I opened the door to my flat thirty minutes later, clean and dressed and telling myself I was ready for the day, I was struck by the smell of bacon. Jack and Uncle Knobhead were sitting on the tile of the landing with their backs to the wall and their legs jutting out. Each had the final bite of a breakfast sandwich from a local greasy spoon in their hands.
