THE BACHELOR TAX
"This here pa-aper says," said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' to puta tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a tax onbachelors? There's one on dogs."
"That's r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it fivedollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession to us.They consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow more thintwice as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year to see methrottin' around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on me neck. If metax isn't paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over an' th' bachelorcatcher'll lassoo me an' take me to th' pound an' I'll be kept therethree days an' thin, if still unclaimed, I'll be dhrowned onless th'pound keeper takes a fancy to me. Ye'll niver see it, me boy. No, Sir.Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men polytickally, as well ashandsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us we'll fight ye to th' end. Ifworst comes to worst we won't pay th' tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyitthat light-footed heroes that have been eludin' onprincipled females alltheir lives won't be able to dodge a little thing like a five-dollartax. There's no clumsy collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with aman iv me age who has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r fortyyears an' remains unmarrid.
"An' why shud we be taxed? We're th' mainstay iv th' Constitution an'about all that remains iv liberty. If ye think th' highest jooty ivcitizenship is to raise a fam'ly why don't ye give a vote to th' shad?Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports th' Naytional Governmint bepayin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo jooties, who maintains th' schools yesind ye'er ignorant little childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses,who does th' fightin' f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marridmen start all th' wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree. But whinwar is declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing 'twud be ifthey niver come home to their fireside an' their wife got marrid againan' all their grandchildher an' their great-grandchildher an' theirwidow an' th' man that marrid her an' his divoorced wife an' theirrilitives, descindants, friends, an' acquaintances wud have to live onafther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken iron in hisstomach or back, as th' case might be, but a pension come fr'm th'Governmint. So, th' day war is declared ye come over here an' stick asthrange-lookin' weepin in me hand an' I close down me shop an' go outsomewhere I niver was befure an' maybe lose me leg defindin' th' hearthsiv me counthry, me that niver had a hearth iv me own to warm me toes bybut th' oil stove in me bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men ye'd bewantin' to tax like a pushcart or a cow. Onscrupulous villain!
"Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye tax valor. Whin ye tax th' bachelors yetax beauty. Ye've got to admit that we're a much finer lookin' lot ivfellows thin th' marrid men. That's why we're bachelors. 'Tis with us aswith th' ladies. A lady with an erratic face is sure to be marrid befurea Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to wurruk right away an' what Hogan callsth' doctrine iv av'rages is always with thim that starts early an' makesmanny plays. But th' Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an'take her pick an' 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes upwith a scream to th' peril iv her position an' runs out an' pulls a mandown fr'm th' top iv a bus. Manny a plain but determined young womanhave I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large fam'ly whinher frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' most beautifulwoman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds waitin' f'r somewan to take her buggy ridin'.
"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan hadthrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is old enoughto vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan calls th'graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is very plain buthas a beautiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't an' didn't alwayskeep it in th' show-case where all th' wurruld cud see he'd be lynchedbe th' Society f'r Municipal Improvement. But 'tis diff'rent with uscomely bachelors. Bein' very beautiful, we can afford to be haughty an'peevish. It makes us more inthrestin'. We kind iv look thim over with agentle but supeeryor eye an' say to oursilves: 'Now, there's a nice,pretty atthractive girl. I hope she'll marry well.' By an' by whin th'roses fade fr'm our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed with age we bow to th'inivitable, run down th' flag iv defiance, an' ar-re yanked into th'multichood iv happy an' speechless marrid men that look like flashlightpitchers. Th' best-lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all.
"Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' landscape.Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints iv th'tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all bachelors.What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest neckties in th'front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier iris, as Hogan says, th'burnished bachelor? See th' lordly bachelor comin' down th' sthreet,with his shiny plug hat an' his white vest, th' dimon stud that he wintin debt f'r glistenin' in his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoeson his feet out-shinin' th' noonday sun.
"Thin we see th' marrid man with th' wrinkles in his coat an' his tieundher his ear an' his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his gaiters in away that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. I niver wore a pair ivdarned socks since I was a boy. Whin I make holes in me hosiery I throwthim away. 'Tis a fine idee iv th' ladies that men are onhappy becausethey have no wan to darn their socks an' put buttons on their shirts.Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy because his socks ar-re notdarned but because they ar-re. An' as f'r buttons on his shirt, whinth' buttons comes off a bachelor's shirt he fires it out iv th' window.His rule about clothes is thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit,d'ye mind. Th' others to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th'plumage iv a bachelor. If he did his wife wud suspict him. He lets herbuy his cravats an' his seegars an' 'tis little diff'rence it makes tohim which he smokes.
"'Twud be villanous to tax th' bachelors. Think iv th' moral side iv it.What's that? Ye needn't grin. I said moral. Yes, Sir. We're th' mostonselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles iv th' neighborhoodar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me own. If ye shed a tear f'ranny person but wan ye lose ye'er latch-key, but havin' no wan inpartiklar to sympathize with I'm supposed to sympathize with ivry wan.On th' conthry if ye have anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th'overburdened shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I mustbear thim alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say:'Oh, he's a gay dog. Sarves him right.' An' if he goes on complainin'he's liable to be in gr-reat peril. I wudden't dare to tell me woes toye'er wife. If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes cryin',an' thin she'd put on her bonnet an' r-run over an' sick th' widowO'Brien on me.
"Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid homewithout th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' chair orin th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I live in gr-reatluxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' manny things that itcan't or won't. There ar-re Turkish rugs on th' flure an' chandyleershang fr'm th' ceilins. There I set at night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherrywine, port wine, champagne, beer, whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weissbeer, cream de mint, curaso, an' binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhrawat an opeem pipe an' r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman'shand wudden't help this here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin I was away,th' beautiful Swede slave that scrubs out me place iv business brokeinto th' palachal boodoor an' in thryin' to set straight th' ilepaintin' iv th' Chicago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke a piece off aframe that cost me two dollars iv good money.' If they knew that th'on'y furniture in me room was a cane-bottomed chair an' a thrunk an'that there was nawthin' on th' flure but oilcloth an' me clothes, an'that 'tis so long since me bed was made up that it's now a life-sizeplaster cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th' altar at th' end iv a chain.
"Speakin' as wan iv th' few survivin' bachelors, an old vethran that'sescaped manny a peril an' got out iv manny a difficult position withhonor, I wish to say that fair woman is niver so dangerous as whin she'ssorry f'r ye. Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man' rises to her lips an' th'nurse light comes into her eyes, I know 'tis time f'r me to take me hatan' go. An' if th' hat's no
t handy I go without it.
"I bet ye th' idee iv taxin' bachelors started with th' dear ladies. ButI say to thim: 'Ladies, is not this a petty revenge on ye'er bestfrinds? Look on ye'er own husbands an' think what us bachelors havesaved manny iv ye'er sisters fr'm. Besides aren't we th' hope iv th'future iv th' instichoochion iv mathrimony? If th' onmarrid ladies ar-reto marry at all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, they must look forward to.We're not bachelors fr'm choice. We're bachelors because we can't make achoice. Ye all look so lovely to us that we hate to bring th' tears intoth' eyes iv others iv ye be marryin' some iv ye. Considher ouronforchnit position an' be kind. Don't oppress us. We were not meant f'rslaves. Don't thry to coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us an' hope on. Ifye tax us there's hardly an old bachelor in th' land that won't flinghis five dollars acrost th' counter at th' tax office an' say: 'Hang th'expense.'"
Mr. Dooley Says Page 4
