Mr. Dooley Says

by Finley Peter Dunne

  PANICS

  "Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim impechuseprooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv fi-nance,cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are ye not? I seebe th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have been a brave man; yehave had faith in th' future iv our counthry; ye have perceived that ourfinancial institutions are sound if they are nawthin' else. Yeundherstand that it's upon th' self-resthraint iv men like th' likes ivye that th' whole credit iv th' nation depinds. I read it in thepa-apers an' 'tis thrue. Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'yway ye or me cud rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be bemeans iv a brace an' bit.

  "No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to George B.Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. Rockyfellar,th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' clearing outcomity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that have stood firmlywith their backs to th' wall an' declared that anny money taken out ivtheir institutions wud be taken over their dead bodies. They havebehaved as American gintlemen shud behave whin foorce iv circumstancescompels thim to behave that way. But if, in this tur-rible imergency Iam obliged to tell th' truth, I've got to confess to ye that th' thanksiv th' nation, a little bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boysthat niver had a cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They havedisturbed none iv our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance hasturned green to see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life througha closed payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv ahammer can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther apearl necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, hasthroubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' othermornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall Sthreet an'though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan continyal panic Ifelt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye go by with ye'er shovelon ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. I wanted to rush to th'tillygraft office and wire me frind J. Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't bedowncast. It's all right. I just see Hinnissy go by with his shovel.'

  "No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that causespanics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' money. Th' topiv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard times is good times.Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his shouldher dodgin' eight thousandautymobills I begin to think 'tis time to put me money in me boot."

  "'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on," said Mr. Hennessy."What does it all mean?"

  "'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. Dooley. 'Tiswhat is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r the sake ivargymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r th' sake ivargymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you wudden't be atanny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' shoes. But supposin'fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye get two dollars a day f'rmakin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye take part of ye'er ill-gottengains an' leave it with me f'r dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' moneyover to th' shoe store an' buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th'fellow at th' shoe store puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss.Ye'er boss sees ye're dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv thingsth' distillery business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to adistiller. Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an'havin' fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I oweth' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money f'r th'shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He goes over to th'bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in a window. An' thereye are. That's credit.

  "I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan th'banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though anearthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory an' ajail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks as solid asthough th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv him. See him withhis goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl buttons iv his vest. Heniver give me much more thin a nod out iv th' north-east corner iv hisleft eyebrow, but he was always very kind an' polite to Mulligan, th'little tailor. Except that I thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r mean' none at all f'r Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on acorner near th' bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'ritejournal in wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is acoward,' says Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys publicconfidence,' says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv hislife,' says I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in,'says I. 'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics,' says he. 'It's th'likes iv both iv ye,' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk,' says I.'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution,' says he. 'It's assthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it up,'says he. An' he wint.

  "Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. Panics an'circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv th' poor. An' atime iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't too much. A littlewhile ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper annything about th' fellow thathad his money in th' bank anny more thin ye'd read about th' spectatorsat a prize fight. 'Twas all what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'.'Who's that man with th' plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin'joint?' 'That's th' prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational.' 'An' who's thatshakin' dice at th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrustcomp'ny.' An' so it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal toth' good sense iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, butit might just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here,Mulligan, me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther.It's got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our headsbut a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash oron-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher th'situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' pathritism,th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' face iv greatdanger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' hole. Regards to Mrs.Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't answer in person (signed) JawnD. Rockyfellar.'

  "An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble be havin'money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second place. Mulliganwill settle it all be carryin' his money back to th' bank where moneybelongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, me boy. Cheer up.'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or some time. 'Tis wangood thing about this here wurruld, that nawthin' lasts long enough tohurt. I have been through manny a panic. I cud handle wan as well asMorgan. Panics cause thimsilves an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do Iblame for this wan? Grogan blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blamesMulligan; to-morrah he won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will beover. I blame no wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, bebrave, be ca'm an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy inth' wurruld, an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him toshovel, we'll be all right, or pretty near all right.

  "Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked Mr.Hennessy.

  "Shaken it," said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick just as itjumped off th' roof."