A savage blast of snarling lightning ripped out from the barrel to strike the door dead-center, burning a massive hole.
“Crap! I was aiming at the panel!”
“Check your deviation setting, Captain, and you’ll see it is set to maximum. I was assuming you’d aim at the door itself, but it seems you didn’t.”
“Stop trying to second-guess me, Tammy!” Crouching, Hadrian peered through the hole in the door. “Buck? How are you doing in there?”
The only reply was a strange humming sound.
“Tammy,” whispered Hadrian, “what’s making that noise?”
“The chief engineer, Captain. I believe he is in a trance state.”
“Really? Not armed? Not ready to jump me as soon as I step in?”
“I daresay he did not even react to you destroying the door.”
Grunting, Hadrian stepped gingerly through. The outer room was set up in standard configuration, but the room beyond glowed with ethereal, reddish light. Through the entrance, Hadrian could see Buck kneeling on a pillow, his back to the doorway.
“Oh man, Tammy,” Hadrian said, “he’s found religion.”
“The Great Clockmaker in the Sky,” said Tammy. “The Ur-Engineer of All. The Cosmic Repairman. The—”
“Wrong on all counts,” cut in Hadrian, as he edged into the doorway. “He’s gone back to basics, Tammy. Church of Science, the Original Scriptures of Darwin, the See of Evolution, the Conservation of Conservity, Hierarchy of the Fittest and all the other Principles of Natural Superiority that we use to justify everything we do. And, Tammy, he’s got it bad.”
The chief engineer had set up a shrine, but lacking a proper idol triptych to represent the Father/Mother/Child holy triumvirate of Frowning Bearded Old Man, Offering-It-Up Bonobo Female, and Monkey-Child-Pondering-Human-Skull, Buck DeFrank had found a knee-high Santa Claus doll, which he’d stood up leaning against the back wall above the storage-crate altar. Chicken bones from (presumably) the kitchen were heaped around the doll’s shiny black plastic boots.
“Good grief, Buck,” said Hadrian, stepping into the room.
The humming stopped, and then Buck spoke in a deep, calm and strangely reverberating voice. “Captain. Welcome. Are you well?”
“Sure, Buck, I’m peachy. Too bad the same can’t be said for my chief engineer.”
“To the contrary, Captain, I have never been better.”
“That’s the drugs talking, Buck. And Tammy, cut it out with the reverb, will you?”
Buck sighed. “Drugs, Captain? I am expunged. Cleansed. Purified.”
“Well, that’s nice. Now, get up, will you? We have a surface mission.”
The man did not move.
“Buck?”
“About those drugs…”
“That’s the spirit, man! Here we go, on your feet!”
Hadrian had Buck off the pillow and upright, but the man wavered as if drunk. “C-Captain? I spoke with Darwin! With Darwin Himself! I heard him!”
“Sure thing, Buck—”
“He howled like Tarzan—”
“—and—really? Like Tarzan?”
“The victory cry of a Great Ape—it—it was glorious!”
“Well, I never … anyway, just duck here and through, into the corridor, that’s it. Tammy!”
“Captain?”
“Get Sin-Dour and Lieutenant Sticks down to the Insisteon room. Oh, and Galk and Printlip, too. Who else? Right, the LT. Oh, and has the adjutant sobered up and come around yet?”
“Sobered up, yes, Captain. As for coming around, you’re dreaming.”
“Just have her meet us in the Insisteon room.”
“As you wish.”
Hadrian slapped Buck on the back. “Just think, friend! A genuine Strange New World! Can’t you just taste the adventures awaiting us? How would one describe it, I wonder?”
“Like puke, sir,” said Buck.
Tammy said, “Good luck, and I hope you all die.”
ELEVEN
They displaced to the planet’s surface. Hadrian looked around. “Amazing,” he said. “It’s just like northern California.”
“Sir,” said Sweepy Brogan, “I still advise we bring down a squad—”
“Nonsense, LT. We’ll be fine. We’re armed to the teeth, we have our doc with us, and everybody but me is wearing personal shields and body armor. Now, everyone, spread out and look around. The Radulak are avoiding this planet for a reason, and we’re going to find out why even if it kills one or two of us.”
Adjutant Lorrin Tighe said, “I reiterate my protest at this whole endeavor.”
“Can you?” Hadrian asked.
“Can I what?”
“Reiterate it.”
She glared at him, an expression of hers that he was coming to appreciate. “Since this planet is officially designated a Strange New World, I should point out that my authority is equal to yours until such time that we may contact an advanced civilization, at which point I am in charge.”
“Should you?” Hadrian asked.
“Should I what?”
“Point it out.”
“One wonders if any of this mocking behavior would occur if I wasn’t a woman.”
“Does one?”
“One does!”
“No need to get hysterical, darling. I’m sure everything will turn out just fine. Now, why not do some exploring—there, head round those bushes and that outcrop.”
She pulled out a blaster and brandished it. “Yes, Captain! They let me take a weapon!”
“Did they?”
Tighe pointed it at him and pressed the trigger. Nothing happened.
Hadrian sighed. “Terran Fleet seriously dislikes friendly-fire incidents. Accordingly, you can’t use a Terran Fleet weapon on Terran Fleet personnel. I suppose in your excitement you forgot that detail. Now, if you’d broken into the Extreme Situations Cabinet, why, then you’d have a weapon that was lethal against Terran personnel exclusively. Under those circumstances, why, I’d now be dead and you’d be in command. Well, good thing that didn’t happen!”
Snarling in a most becoming way, Tighe stormed off.
“Captain,” said Sin-Dour, “is it really wise to torment the Affiliation adjutant?”
“Wisdom’s overrated, 2IC,” Hadrian said, squinting in the sunlight. “It only arrives long after you’ve acquired a massive list of things you fucked up. Well, I intend to circumvent those hard knocks of stupidity. Hence, no list. No, I’ll take the glory of always being right over wisdom any time.”
Sin-Dour was studying her handheld Pentracorder. “Captain. Some strange readings at thirty-six meters—that way, behind that big boulder.”
“Good. Let’s get on with it, shall we? Buck, stay close. You too, Printlip, in case something happens that involves lots of blood and gore. Lead us on, Sin-Dour.”
“Yes, sir.”
Coming around the giant boulder, they beheld a strange construction: rough-hewn as if from solid rock, it formed an arch, like a gate leading to nowhere. Ruins peeped up from shrubs and brush on all sides, looking vaguely Greek.
“Now that’s curious,” said Hadrian, walking closer.
Sin-Dour moved up behind him. “I am getting modest energy readings, sir. Low-level, reminiscent of something on standby, but they’re unlike any energy readings I’ve ever seen before.”
“What? You just said they remind you of—”
“True, sir,” Sin-Dour cut in, “I did.”
He glanced back at her. She was still studying the holographic images popping up from her Pentracorder. “This is your first surface mission, isn’t it, 2IC?”
She looked up. “Yes, sir. About those energy readings…”
“Yes?”
“They’re, uh, perfectly normal energy readings. I read the bars wrong. Sorry.”
He stepped close and squeezed her fleshy upper arm. “No problem, 2IC, my confidence in you is already recovering and in a week or two it should be—”
A loud, stentorian voice i
nterrupted him.
“I AM THE MASTER OF THE SPATIAL TEMPORAL DYNAMIC. I INVITE YOU STRANGERS TO STEP THROUGH MY GATE AND EXPERIENCE FOR YOURSELVES THE SPATIAL TEMPORAL DYNAMIC OF WHICH I AM MASTER.”
“I’m going through!” screamed Buck, launching himself at the gate.
“Buck!”
The chief engineer plunged through and disappeared.
“Shit! Where did he go? Come on, everyone, let’s follow!”
As he ran beneath the arch, Hadrian saw Buck up ahead. He’d caught a foot on a root and had fallen into some bushes, and was now picking himself up. The captain reached him. “Buck, you damned fool! Who knows where—”
“Captain?”
At Sin-Dour’s shout, Hadrian spun around. The others were still standing on the other side of the gate. “I thought you all followed me!”
“We, uh, we were confused, sir!”
“TWO OF YOU HAVE PASSED THROUGH THE PORTAL OF THE SPATIAL TEMPORAL DYNAMIC. YOU ARE NOW ON THE OTHER SIDE, THREE SECONDS LATER! AND IF YOU STEP BACK THROUGH, YOU WILL RETURN TO WHERE YOU STARTED, BUT SIX SECONDS WILL HAVE PASSED. WELL, EIGHTEEN SECONDS NOW. NINETEEN. TWENTY. WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING? COME BACK!”
Walking around the gate and pausing to spit out a brown stream, Galk paused and said, “Here, Captain, I’ve found something.”
“Did you really have to, Galk?” Hadrian asked, swinging round to join the combat specialist.
“Just this small box in these bushes, sir. There’s two cables, too, a thin one and a fat one. The thin one feeds into the box—see? But look at the big one. The shrub’s grown up under it and pulled it out of the box.”
Sin-Dour joined them. She squinted at her Pentracorder. “He’s correct, Captain—”
“Yes, 2IC, I can see it.”
“Oh. Yes, sir. Of course, sir.”
Hadrian turned to the arch. “Hey, you! Master Whatever! Couldn’t you see that you were broken?”
There was a pause, and then the voice said, “I SUPPOSE.”
“So what was all that crap you were trying on us? Nobody would fall for that!”
“WELL, UNTIL NOW, IT’S BEEN MOSTLY RADULAK … IT SEEMED TO WORK FOR THEM. PLEASE, PLUG ME BACK IN, WILL YOU? I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW BORING IT’S BEEN, ALL THESE CENTURIES.”
Crouching, Galk pulled up the cable, studied its end, and then jammed it into a hole in the side of the box. “All done,” he said, straightening and pulling off his baseball cap to wipe at his brow. “Damned hot out for workin’, though.”
“YES, MUCH BETTER.”
“I’m going through!” screamed Buck, launching himself at the gate.
“Buck!”
There was an impressive flash, and Buck disappeared.
“Check the bushes over there,” said Hadrian.
‘NOT THIS TIME! HE IS GONE. TRAVELLED TO SOME OTHER PLACE, SOME OTHER TIME. I AM THE MASTER OF THE—”
“What place and what time?” Hadrian demanded.
“I HAVE NO IDEA.”
“So, you’re not really the master of anything, are you?”
“YOU HAVE A POINT THERE.”
“Can we follow? Can we find him?”
“ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.”
Sweepy spoke up, “Captain. I recommend we displace a squad down here and send them through. That way, should they all die, well, we only lost a few faceless nobodies. Excepting the chief engineer, sir.”
“Hardly seems challenging,” said Hadrian, rubbing at his manly jaw. “I was thinking of going through first, actually.”
“Well, yes, sir, that does add a new wrinkle.” She lit up her stogie, puffed for a moment, and then plucked a shred of tobacco from her tongue. “Decent, sir. Muffy can lead his team in later, shoot everything up, pull you out of whatever fucked up mess you got yourself into, and then, in answer to your heartfelt thank-you, just offer up an airy salute. Job done, fuckin’ eh.”
“You think highly of yourself, LT, don’t you? Well, I like it.”
“Glad to hear it, Captain. Now, since the adjutant has, well, disappeared, I was thinking I might go and retrieve her.”
“Must you? Oh very well—no need to give me that look. If you can’t find her, ask Tammy, since I’m sure the AI’s tracking us all.”
“But not Buck, sir. Not anymore.”
“True.”
“And when you go through…”
“That’s the risks a captain takes, LT.” Hadrian turned to Printlip. “Which he’s happy to share with all his officers. You’d best join me, Doc. Buck’s state of mind being what it is.”
“Yes, Captain. But I really think we should await the marines.”
“Not at all. They’ll find us, right LT?”
“Bank on it,” she said.
“Okay,” Hadrian said. “As soon as the LT finds Tighe, the rest of you, displace back up to the ship and maintain orbit. We’ll bring Buck back alive, you can count on it! Come on, Doc, give me a hand—no, just one, no, not that one, this one, the closest one—right, there! So we don’t get separated.”
Side by side they approached the arch.
“Now, Doc, you ready? Let’s go!”
They began running, and the moment before they leapt, Hadrian threw the Belkri through the portal, and then followed.
Blinding light, and then Hadrian was out the other side. He skidded to a halt and found himself at the edge of a steep slope. Printlip was rolling and bouncing his way down to the basin thirty meters below. Out on the plain ahead, a small speck of a figure was running, stumbling, running, stumbling. The area looked just like northern California.
He made his way down the slope, reaching the bottom just as Printlip climbed to its feet and began dusting itself off.
“Quite the landing, wasn’t it?” Hadrian said. “Buck’s about a klick away, directly ahead. He appears to be heading out into a desert. Retrieving him should be easy.”
“Captain, a warning. Belkri expand in high-heat environments.”
“Oh. Is that dangerous?”
“No, we are capable of tripling in circumference. However, I should warn you, I might find it difficult to hide, should circumstances demand such a thing.”
“Can’t you offset expansion by nattering on endlessly?”
“Interesting suggestion, Captain. Shall I try?”
“Come to think of it, some other time, maybe. For now, let’s get on with it. And when we get back, I’ve got some serious questions to throw at that Master of Blah Blah.”
They set out.
“Such as?” Printlip asked.
“Why in Darwin’s name didn’t the thing send us someplace interesting? Paris in the Roaring Twenties, for example. Or Mars a hundred thousand years ago, with Venus looming overhead so close you could almost touch it? Where’s the excitement here?”
“I would advise against asking such questions, sir.”
“Why is that, Doc?”
“Invariably, upon the utterance of the question, someth—”
A scream from up ahead interrupted the Belkri. Buck was now running toward them, and behind the chief engineer there was a massive dust cloud, rolling ominously closer.
Printlip waved all of its hands. “See, Captain? I warned you, did I not?”
“Hmm,” said Hadrian. “I think we should run back to the gate, Doc. What do you think?”
“Excellent idea, Captain!”
They turned round and began running.
“Oh dear!” gasped Printlip. “I don’t do well with steep slopes!”
“That’s ridiculous! Don’t you have hills on your home world?”
“The Hill Wars of 9816! We leveled them all! It was slaughter!”
“Fine, hold on to to me and I’ll drag you to the top!”
“Thank you sir. The ignominy of this shames me deeply!”
“Good, because it’s a real pain in the ass for me, Doc. Okay, give me your hand—no, not that one, no, not—this one, dammit!”
Buck was still screaming behind them, and by the so
und of his voice the man was fast catching up.
Hadrian dragged the Belkri up the slope. The doc lost its footing and started bouncing like a balloon on a string. It shrieked when Hadrian tugged it through a spiny shrub. The captain lunged upward, looking for another shrub.
Stumbling, cursing, they finally reached the top.
The gate loomed before them.
“I AM THE MASTER OF THE SPATIAL—”
“Oh shut up, we know who you are!” Hadrian spun round to watch Buck scrambling up the slope. Behind him swarmed thousands upon thousands of—
“Kittens?”
The terror on the chief engineer’s face was now entirely comprehensible, as far as Hadrian was concerned.
Buck stumbled into the dust at the captain’s feet. “I’m sorry, sir! I should never have come through the gate! I don’t know what came over me! Oh Darwin save us!”
Hadrian pulled the man upright and pushed him toward the gate. “Go to Doc! Wait for me at the threshold!”
“Captain! You can’t hold them off! I tried! I swear! They’ve been artificially enhanced, sir! But all the humans died out—there’s bones out there by the millions! They were all suffocated by cuteness! The world is full of kittens, oh, the horror!”
“My God,” Hadrian said. “They finally did it! All those oh-so-cute-my-cuddly-kitten-here’s-a-pic bastards! They finally went and did it!”
The swarm was bounding up the hillside like tiny excited lambs, and now their squeaky cute voices reached him.
“We love you fuck off.”
“Look at me look at me!”
“What the fuck you looking at?”
“Scratch me here and here, no not there did that hurt? Good.”
“Watch this I’m going to piss in your bed.”
“What did I do? I didn’t do nothing. I can do whatever I want!”
“See this face it’s the face that hates you.”
“I’m cool. Look, give it up you’re not cool, nothing you do is cool, stop trying please. I’m embarrassed to own you.”
“Scratch me scratch me don’t touch me!”
“Is that a mouse? Is that a bird? Can I torture it? Please please pretty please? I love you fuck off.”
Hadrian pulled out his blaster, backing away. “Don’t come near me!” he roared. “No—not even you! Not you, either! Shit!”
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