by Sam Copeland
Now, out of context that is a pretty weird sentence. So, let’s answer some of your questions straight away and then we’ll get right back to the story.
1. Josh, nine, from Whitstable asks: ‘Does Ms Fyre really have an actual live monkey in her office?’ It would be awesome if Ms Fyre really did have an actual monkey in her office, but that would be ridiculous. This is a very serious book about a boy who can change into animals and shoot ropes out of his butt and has numerous pigeons with terrible French accents fall in love with him. So, no, of course it isn’t a real monkey in her office. Silly question, Josh from Whitstable. I know you’re only nine, but your parents must be very disappointed in you. Frankly we’re all a little disappointed in you.
2. ‘So, in that case, what is the monkey then?’ asks Jennifer, eight, from Ballina, County Mayo in Ireland. Excellent question, Jennifer. You’re clearly a smart cookie. Well, let me tell you what the monkey is. It’s a huge stuffed cuddly toy monkey. It’s as big as you, Jennifer. It’s that big.
3. ‘Where did this monkey come from?’ asks Josh, nine, from Whitstable. OK, Josh. That’s a much better question. You’ve taken the criticism on board. You’ve pulled your socks up. I’m impressed with your attitude, Josh. Great work.
4. ‘You didn’t answer my question,’ says Josh, nine, from Whitstable. Good point, Josh. The answer to the question is nobody really knows. Some say Mr Wind was seen walking away from the ‘hook-a-duck’ stall at the local fair, carrying the monkey under his arm, in the very same week it appeared in Ms Fyre’s office, but that’s just a rumour.
5. ‘How on earth is Charlie supposed to break into Ms Fyre’s office and shave the monkey? And what will he use to actually shave the monkey?’ ask Mr (forty-eight) and Mrs (forty-six) Lloyd from Wimbledon. Well, Mr and Mrs Lloyd from Wimbledon, you will just have to wait and find out. That’s the plot. All will be revealed shortly. Just be patient.
6. ‘Isn’t breaking into an office and shaving somebody’s toy monkey illegal?’ asks Josh, nine, from Whitstable. Look, Josh. You’ve already asked two questions, OK? And you’ve just undone all the good work you did with your second question. Don’t take this story too seriously. This is a ridiculous book about a boy who can change into animals and shoot ropes out of his butt and has numerous pigeons with terrible French accents fall in love with him. So let’s just forget any legal implications, yes? Agreed, Josh? Good. OK. Let’s get back to the story. No more interruptions, please.
‘Let me get this right. You want me to break into Ms Fyre’s office and shave her monkey?’ asked Charlie incredulously.
Flora nodded. ‘That’s right.’
‘I think we need to get a doctor to see you. You’ve finally lost it. Properly this time.’
‘I have not. It’s the only way to know for certain.’
‘It’s the only way to get me in detention until I’m eighteen AND hung upside down by my toes by my parents until I leave home.’
‘Charlie, listen. We need to know for absolute certain what causes you to change before we can work out how to stop it. And we’ve only got six days until the school play.’
‘Well, you can’t argue with that,’ said Wogan.
‘I can. And I am.’ Charlie crossed his arms.
‘Well, OK, you can. But she’s right.’
The four of them stood in silence for a moment. Wogan started boinging a ball in the air with his racquet.
‘Come on, Charlie. It’ll be something you’ll never forget as long as you live,’ Flora said.
Charlie stared at Flora for the longest time, then exploded.
‘GAAAAAAH OK I’LL DO IT I’LL DO IT GAAAAAHHH!’
Flora beamed.
‘Oh, Charlie! You’re doing the right thing. Science will thank you. You’re like Neil Armstrong taking a giant leap for mankind.’
‘I can’t believe I am agreeing to one of your RIDICULOUS plans AGAIN. I must have really lost it this time.’
‘You haven’t lost it. You’re brave,’ said Flora.
‘Well, let’s be honest, he’s lost it a bit. I mean, breaking into Miss Fyre’s office? Shaving her monkey? It’s certain death,’ said Wogan helpfully.
‘Wogan!’ said Flora, glaring at Wogan. ‘That is actually not helpful. At all.’
‘OK. So many questions. Where to begin? First question: how am I going to shave the monkey?’
‘Don’t worry. I have it all planned out. Does your dad use an electric shaver?’
‘Yes,’ replied Charlie.
‘Well, there you go then. You just borrow your dad’s electric shaver on the day.’fn1
‘Oh. That simple.’
‘Yes, exactly. That simple.’
‘And when do we do it?’
‘We just watch for her leaving her office for lunch. Then you sneak in, shave the monkey, sneak out again. Simple.’
‘Yeah. Simple,’ said Charlie, who thought it sounded about as simple as doing rocket surgery on a brain scientist. ‘And what happens if I get caught?’
‘You won’t get caught. We’ll keep watch. Trust me.’
‘Yes. Trust you. That’s the problem.’
‘You do trust me, don’t you, Charlie?’ said Flora.
‘Absolutely. One hundred per cent,’ said Charlie, who right at that moment trusted Flora about as far as he could throw her.fn2 ‘So when do we do this?’
‘Tomorrow,’ said Flora with a glint in her eye. ‘Argh!’ she shouted suddenly, rubbing her face.
‘What?’ asked Charlie.
‘I think I’ve got a glint stuck in my eye,’ said Flora. ‘It must have just flown in.’
‘Do you want us to take you to the toilet?’ asked Wogan with some concern. ‘If you splash water on your eye, it might come out.’
‘Thanks, Wogan. Yes, please. It’s quite sore,’ said Flora, still rubbing her eye.
‘OK, see you later, Charlie,’ said Wogan.
‘See you in a bit, Charlie,’ said Mohsen.
And with that, Wogan, Mohsen and Flora walked off, leaving Charlie standing there with thoughts of bald monkeys and certain doom swirling round his head.
Wogan, Mohsen, Flora and Charlie were skulking. They had just rushed out of lunch, and were hanging round in the corridor near Ms Fyre’s office. Bulging in Charlie’s pocket was his dad’s electric shaver, which he had sneaked into his bag that morning. If he got it back in the bathroom as soon as he got home, his dad would never know.
The minutes ticked by as they nervously waited for Ms Fyre to leave her office.
Finally the door swung open, and Ms Fyre marched out towards the school cafe.
‘OK, people! Take your positions!’ whispered Flora dramatically.
Wogan quickly chased after Ms Fyre. He positioned himself in the next corridor, so he had the perfect view of her in the canteen, where she would soon be holding a tray and choosing her lunch. If Ms Fyre did anything, Wogan would be able to warn Mohsen, who was standing at the corner, where he could see both Wogan and Flora, who was standing outside Ms Fyre’s office with Charlie. Wogan gave Mohsen the thumbs up, and Mohsen turned and gave Flora the thumbs up.
‘OK. It’s time. Good luck, Charlie McGuffin,’ said Flora.
There was something nagging in the back of Charlie’s mind, but he dismissed it. The plan was ready. It was now or never.
He nodded solemnly to Flora and took one last look up and down the corridor to make sure the coast was clear. He placed his hand on the handle, swallowed and, quick as a flash, sneaked into the office.
The minute the door closed behind him he realized what had been nagging him. He was desperate for a wee. He opened the door again.
‘Flora!’
‘What do you want? Get back in there!’ Flora asked.
‘I’m busting for a wee!’
‘Charlie, we don’t have time!’ Flora said, slapping her forehead. ‘Get back in there and shave monkey! Ms Fyre could be back any moment. You can have a wee after!’
‘OK, OK. I’m go
ing in.’
Reluctantly Charlie crept back into the office and tried to forget about the wee.
He closed the door of the office behind him, and tiptoed into the stuffy silence. It was a pretty ordinary office, apart from Ms Fyre’s prize orchids, which lined the windowsill. And of course, sitting there like a giant stuffed monkey on a bookshelf sat the giant monkey on top of the bookshelf. There was no way Charlie could reach it, so he pulled Ms Fyre’s swivel chair over and began to climb on it.
Meanwhile, Wogan, who was spying on Ms Fyre, was the first person to realize that things were about to go wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. He watched in horror as Ms Fyre began patting her pockets as if she’d lost something, tutted, and began walking towards Wogan, who froze in terror, his brain crashing. Fortunately his body snapped into action. He began frantically waving at Mohsen.
Unfortunately, just at that precise moment, Mohsen had found a particularly well-lodged bogey and was giving that his full attention rather than the frantically waving Wogan. Wogan realized that no matter how much he waved, Mohsen was just not going to see him. Ms Fyre was already nearly on top of him, so Wogan made a decision and began running towards Mohsen.
‘She’s coming!’ Wogan panted.
‘What?’ said Mohsen, one finger still deeply embedded in his left nostril.
‘Fyre’s coming! Look!’
A look of horror spread across Mohsen’s face as he saw Ms Fyre striding back towards her office. Immediately he swung round and began waving madly at Flora.
Flora, fortunately, was keeping good watch. Her face paling when she saw Mohsen’s panicked waving, she quickly gave three knocks on the office door. That was the agreed signal for Charlie to hide. They couldn’t risk Charlie leaving the office in case he was seen, so they had agreed that if Ms Fyre returned early that Charlie would hide and Flora would try to delay her to give Charlie longer to get himself hidden.
When Charlie heard Flora’s three sharp knocks his heart nearly fell out of his bum.
He jumped down off the swivel chair, and looked round in blind panic. He dived down under the desk and curled up into a ball. Then, with a shock of fear, he realized that he had left the chair by the bookcase, and not by the desk where it belonged. He scrambled out, and began pulling the chair backwards when he heard the voice of Flora, suddenly, loud, right outside the door.
‘Oh, hi, Ms Fyre.’
‘Good afternoon, child. Out of my way and allow me to enter my office.’ Ms Fyre’s cut-glass voice cut through the closed door.
‘But … how are you, Ms Fyre?’
‘I’m perfectly adequate, thank you, now if you would move out of the way –’
‘Ms Fyre, can I just say you’re looking really lovely today? The way the sun is shining through the window on to your head, it makes your hair look beautiful, like a great big bush caught fire.’
Charlie crawled backwards under the desk, dragging the chair with him.
‘Hmm. Why, thank you, I suppose. Now out of my way, child.’
‘But, Ms Fyre, can I just show you, I’ve got this strange rash –’
‘Then go to the nurse, child. Out. Of. My. Way. Now!’
Just as Charlie got in position, curled tightly up under the desk, the office door opened. Charlie stopped breathing, terrified the noise would give him away.
Ms Fyre walked in. Charlie could see her feet, long toenails poking out of the front of her open-toed sandals. If Charlie didn’t know better, he’d swear the toenails were chewed.
Charlie kept his breath held. In a second he knew the breath would escape in a loud gasp. His heart was pounding. He really needed that wee now.
From her desk Ms Fyre picked up something that jangled suspiciously like a set of keys, put it in her pocket and went to the door.
Without Charlie or Flora seeing, she popped a little button on the handle, walked out of the office and closed the door behind her.
Charlie let out a gasp of relief.
He really shouldn’t have done. He certainly wouldn’t have done if he had known that the tiny button Ms Fyre had pressed had just sealed his fate.
Because that button had caused the door to lock automatically behind Ms Fyre. It could now only be opened with a key. A key that nestled in Ms Fyre’s jacket pocket.
But Charlie didn’t know that as he sprang out from under the desk, dragged the chair over to the bookshelf again and pulled the monkey down. He took out his father’s electric shaver, turned it on and began shaving the monkey. The shaver seemed deafeningly loud in the silence of Ms Fyre’s office.
Black tufts of hair drifted and fell at his feet. It was taking longer than he’d thought. It was a BIG monkey and the shaver could only do so much. The seconds ticked by. The shaver hummed and black fur fell. Soon the monkey was half shaved. For the briefest moment guilt rippled through him – this was somebody’s cuddly toy he was destroying after all. But it was for science, he reminded himself. And he was desperate.
The pain in his bladder was getting worse. He had to hurry up. On he shaved, a small mountain of fur growing at his feet. The monkey was three quarters shaved now. There was just its head and bum left to do.
It was going to be close. The pain was getting unbearable.
The head was done. Just the hairy bum left.
The bald monkey was now looking very weird indeed, like a pale, skinny alien. With a furry bum.
The final few tufts fell away. Finished! Charlie jumped back on to the chair and threw the bald, alien monkey-creature back on to the bookshelf. He quickly swept up the hair and threw it into the bin. He was going to wet himself if he didn’t get out of the office fast. He pushed the chair back to the desk and ran to the door.
He tried the handle.
It didn’t open.
He tried pulling harder.
It was completely stuck.
Charlie was locked in Ms Fyre’s office. He was a prisoner.
There was a small square window in the door, which he could just reach by standing on tiptoes. He peeped out and saw Flora. He knocked on the window.
‘Flora! Help!’ Charlie whisper-shouted. ‘It’s locked!’
‘What?’ Flora whisper-shouted back. ‘I can’t hear you!’ She pointed to her ears and shook her head.
‘Gah!’ cried Charlie, frustrated. ‘I’m stuck and I’m about to wee in my pants!’
‘You’re a duck and you’ve got bikini pants?!’ Flora replied through the window, looking very confused. ‘Are you feeling all right, Charlie?’
‘No!’ Charlie hissed, a little louder. ‘I’m stuck! I’M LOCKED IN!’
The realization of Charlie’s dire situation hit Flora like a slap in the face with a heavy simile.
She gasped. ‘You’re locked in?’ She rattled the door handle, pulling it frantically. It didn’t budge.
Charlie looked at Flora mournfully through the window. She looked back, her face a mixture of apology and pity and desperation.
‘What can I do?’ Charlie mouthed, panic in his face. ‘The wee is about to come!’
‘Do it in the orchids!’ Flora shouted in a flash of inspiration.
‘What? I can’t!’
‘You can! Wee in the flowerpots! Ms Fyre will never notice!’ Flora urged.
Charlie knew right then he had no choice. The wee was coming.
‘OH GOD, OK, OK! I’M GOING TO!’
He rushed over to the orchids, closed his eyes and prayed that Ms Fyre wouldn’t burst in on him now.
He started weeing into the nearest orchid.
The pain immediately turned into relief as he started filling the pot.
Very quickly, though, the pot filled and, with a panicky hop, Charlie had to jiggle over to the next orchid pot and continue his wee into that.
By the time he had finished Charlie had filled four flowerpots.
But Charlie didn’t care. Charlie felt fantastic. For a few short seconds.
Then he remembered his hideous situation.
He was
imprisoned in Ms Fyre’s office with a shaved monkey, an electric shaver, a binful of black fur and four orchid pots brimming with wee.
He checked the windows. They only opened right at the top and there was no way he could climb up. He tried the door again – out of wild desperation – but it was still completely locked, no matter how hard he rattled the handle.
He looked around wildly. There had to be a way out of there.
There wasn’t.
Suddenly there came three knocks on the door. Flora’s stricken face was at the window. She mouthed two simple, clear words.
‘She’s coming.’
Charlie felt his world crumbling.
And then Flora followed with two more words:
‘I’m sorry.’
Charlie understood what that meant. They’d discussed it before the mission had begun. If things got really bad, Flora had to leave. She had to save herself. He didn’t blame her. He understood. There was no reason why she should let herself get caught.
Charlie, on the other hand, was finished. Done for.
There was no escape.
He slumped to the floor and awaited his fate. He’d get excluded, definitely. Expelled, almost certainly. His mum and dad would go absolutely completely one hundred per cent bananas – and with his brother’s scan in a few days this was the last thing they needed. He’d get grounded forever. He’d lose all PS4 and Netflix privileges. His life wouldn’t be worth living. The only silver lining was that he knew when his brother found out that this story would definitely put a smile on his face.
Knowing it was pointless, Charlie crawled back under the desk, to the only hiding place in the office, and curled into a tight ball.
A key rattled in the door.
Charlie scrunched up his eyes and his mind crossed the border from wretchedness into total desolation.
The lock clicked.
It was the end for Charlie.
And then he felt it. Electricity shooting through his body. His very being buzzing with jolts of fiery energy.
His body squeezing.
His arms disappearing.
His legs disappearing.
