by Hunter Blain
The half of my face that could smile lifted in victory as my plan worked. The clouds began to thin, and the lightning died down.
Then a freaking spear was flying through the air at a bajillion miles an hour. Ulric’s weapon crashed into my chest and sent me flying back toes over tits for at least forty or fifty feet. The stupid spear should have gone straight through me; instead, it lodged in and punched me like a runaway bus. I instantly knew that Ulric had meant for the weapon to transfer its kinetic energy into me.
I skidded to a halt, moaning incoherently. Water first moved away, and then back toward me, as if to try and say, “We’re here for you, John!”
I chuckled at my delirious thoughts and reached up to yank the spear out of my sternum before I saw it was gone already.
Raising my chin, my tired eyes focused on Ulric, who was once again wielding his stupid weapon.
“Damn it, that hurt!” I groaned as I rolled to my side just in time to see Ulric hoist his staff toward the sky. “Fuck,” was all I could get out as a violent wind erupted out of nowhere and a chaotic bolt of lightning reached out from the clouds to latch onto the doorway.
Joey’s and Dawson’s skulls wafted hellfire with renewed vigor as the gateway came to life.
The air shimmered at the center of the doorway, and a figure stepped through. Immediately, I recognized him as a warlock that looked similar to the ones I had seen back at the house.
A black hood covered his head while a thin rope was tied around his neck. Red battle robes flowed while a gloved hand grasped a jagged obsidian staff. It looked like raw stone that happened to be in the shape of a staff, but still had all the rough edges of rock.
“What, you think I can’t beat one of your lackeys?” I challenged Ulric with a weak laugh, right as another battle-ready warlock came through the portal. And another. And a-freaking-nother. Soon, there was a small army of warlocks ready to take me out.
I let out a weak, defeated chuckle as I slowly pivoted my wobbling head toward the office building. It was then that I understood this trap had been better laid out than I had anticipated.
“That’s why you let Depweg and Meli get away,” I mouthed to myself, shaking my head at being so blind.
Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, and said a silent prayer as I gathered my will for one...last...push.
38
Opening my eyes, I let out a long exhale as I scanned the approaching warlocks. They were spreading out in a half circle, each having some sort of magic-focusing tool, like a staff, wand, sphere, and I think one guy had a freaking lightsaber, but instead of some sort of plasma, it roiled with hellfire. I wanted to like that warlock, but decided against it, seeing as how they were all about to kill me and all.
“Weeeeeell?” I loudly and dramatically asked while sweeping an open hand all around, indicating the sheer overkill of what was about to happen.
A smacking sound like a wooden bat striking a concrete wall sounded, and one of the warlock’s heads exploded in a shower of brains, blood, and bone. His body dropped straight down, buckling at the knees as crimson life squirted from the stump just above his neck.
“Huh?” I let out as another smacking sound rang and another warlock’s head disappeared. This time, however, the goon behind him, and even the one behind him, went down. The first warlock behind the headless dude had a huge gaping hole in his chest and was thrown backward, while the one after him lost a leg just below the waist. As he dropped to the ground, a full limb—complete with boot—toppled to the ground and oozed blood from the tattered flesh at the top.
Shooting my eyes to the hill, I squinted and saw the briefest flash from Depweg’s sniper rifle.
“Hayley,” I mouthed as I realized the opportunity I had been gifted and willed my gladius to life while bringing up my shield in my limp arm.
I sent out a torrent of heavenflame at the first several warlocks to my side as I bent down as best as I could to protect my body behind the shield while the other goons began casting attack after attack at me.
An idea came to me. I shifted into the fourth dimension and stood straight up, knowing I didn’t have long before my celestial batteries gave out completely.
Dropping my gladius, I willed Mjolnir into my hand and hoisted it to the sky, attaching invisible channels of ions and electrons to each of my targets like little bull’s-eyes for the building charge in the clouds. Ulric had done me a favor by bringing the clouds back, and with a vigor! It was simply the right thing to do to utilize what he had built, otherwise it would be a waste, right?
When about a third of the remaining warlocks had been tagged, something wavered into existence like a rock thrown into a pristine lake, and I looked down to see an angry Ulric rushing toward me, screaming bloody murder as he went. I returned the charge with a powerful war cry of my own.
Now, at that moment, it felt really epic as my archnemesis and I rushed forward and into glorious battle. But an outsider might have had to look away in embarrassment at watching two grown men hobble toward one another on gimp legs, all while screaming at the top of their lungs.
Ulric willed his blade into existence and slashed at the air, sending an arc of hellfire toward me which I blocked with my shield.
As I felt the last of his attack wash over me, I spun around and threw Mjolnir at Ulric. It crashed into his chest, breaking bone and staggering him.
I leaped forward, tackling him to the ground and forcing us back into the third dimension before the last of my power was gone.
Lightning rocketed down from the heavens and obliterated a third of the warlocks, leaving behind smoldering chunks of meat that crumpled to the ground.
Another crack sounded as two more warlocks had their torsos blown out from Hayley’s marksmanship.
Ulric, gasping in a breath from beneath me, croaked out, “Send in the wolves!”
My heart sank as I registered that he had used the plural word, signaling that there was definitely more than one.
On one hand, I was right, and that was always a good thing. On the other, I was right, and we were about to have to face an impossible challenge. Maybe they just meant two wolves?
One of the warlocks took off for the portal at an urgent sprint. Concrete exploded beneath his feet as Hayley attempted to take him out.
I watched in horror as he made it, disappearing into the shimmering air.
“Fu—” I started to bark out right as Ulric kneed me in my crotch. “No way, man. No way!” I croaked as he easily pushed my rigid body off of his.
Even in the heat of battle, I couldn’t help but cradle my crushed gonads, and realized with horror that he had used a knee covered in celestial armor to do the crunching. That meant they wouldn’t heal anytime soon!
A torrent of vomit rocketed from my face as Ulric got to his feet, an expression of superiority on his stupid, stupid face. Stupid.
There was a wet smacking sound, and one of Ulric’s arms just dropped to the ground, blood spurting from the tattered nub.
Ulric sucked in a ragged breath as his eyes bulged in his broken and battered face. He reached down with a shaky hand to pick up his quivering arm right as another bullet whizzed over his body to slam into the approaching warlock behind me.
Grabbing his detached limb, Ulric snarled with crimson-coated teeth as he glanced toward the hill, then did something I wasn’t expecting; he ran toward the portal, gimp leg and all.
I tried to laugh, but all I could manage with my crushed testies was a weak, “Ha, ha!” that sounded suspiciously like Nelson from The Simpsons.
A howl pierced the night and everyone froze, including the warlocks, who seemed unsure all of a sudden.
Another howl answered, sounding similar but subtly different to the first.
“Shit,” I hissed out as I pushed myself up to my one good knee. My other leg stuck out awkwardly to the side, since I only had movement at the hip and ankle.
With a quick push of my hands, I was able to get my good leg underneath me, and
I managed to straighten myself, facing the portal.
A warlock flung a fireball at me, but I willed my shield into existence and batted it away.
My eyes flicked to the remaining few warlocks, and I threw my shield toward the farthest while willing Mjolnir into existence and creating a vacuum around two others that were grouped together. It was interesting to keep the air out of the relatively small area I had created, but watching those bastards clutch at their throats and gasp was worth it.
I knew that being in a vacuum would make their blood boil and lungs explode, but it could take several seconds for that to happen.
An idea came to me, and instead of forcing all the air out of the area, I focused on putting a large amount of air into a small space; their lungs.
The air rushed down their throats and into their chest cavities before a muffled yet satisfying bursting sound told me I had done the job.
The remaining warlocks went down with missing body parts as Hayley proved I had been wrong about leaving her behind. I was sure I wouldn’t hear the end of that.
Something moved at the portal, and I looked up in horror to see a snout appear as if from nothing. Strands of drool slipped between teeth the size of AA batteries as the rest of the monster came into view.
“Eep,” was all I could manage while my crushed balls saw their opportunity to actually slither into my pelvic cavity now that they were a much more condensed size. “Ow...ow, ow...OW! NO! COME BACK HERE!” I shrieked in a pitch that made the wolf monster’s ears twitch. I yanked at my pants, but it was too late; my balls had won and had finally made it all the way inside me.
“This is not how I wanted to die,” I moaned to myself, imagining my naked body laid out on a mortician’s slab. He would surely grab all the interns to come in and laugh at my package that now only consisted of Lil’ John. At least it was swollen and would look much bigger than normal.
Another snout came into view just behind the first, followed by another, and my mind flatlined, paralyzed with terror. I briefly toyed with the idea of trying to climb inside of my own pelvic cavity. I mean, my gonads couldn’t both be wrong, right?
From somewhere far away, I heard a feminine cry of, “Fuck!” and took that to mean Hayley was out of ammo.
“Perfect timing,” I drawled, gulping hard and trying to decide between laughing or crying.
Two more Lilith-damned snouts followed for a total of five were-pires.
I had climbed a steep, impossible mountain in the act of surviving a fight with Ulric, only to realize that just past the peak, another range was blotting the sun. Just when I thought there was nothing more I could give and that the hard part was over, I understood I had merely climbed the equivalent of a speed bump in the parking lot leading to Mount Everest.
Five god-powered werewolf-vampire hybrids locked predatory eyes on me.
In answer, I raised my chin, narrowed my eyes...and belted out maniacal laughter.
“HAAAAAAAAAhahahahahaaaaaa. Hehehehehe hahahaaaaa. Oh, man...” I articulated while running a hand down my face and tugging at my beard in disbelief. “That’s John’s luck, alright. Always in...always bad...”
The leader, who had a white stripe running down his head like a Mohawk, howled into the air. I gulped as I recognized that he was the same werewolf we had first seen back in France.
Steam billowed from his mouth from how cool the air was after pulling a lot of the upper atmosphere down with my cyclone. Or maybe it was from the forced rainfall, or a combination of the two. Not important!
The four wolves behind howled in answer to their apparent leader and prepared for an easy kill.
Willing my leg brace to morph and become more articulated with hinges at the knee, I summoned Mjolnir into my hand while the shield formed over my busted arm once again.
Half of my body was useless, and both my celestial power and preternatural well had the arrow pointed dangerously past the E in my fuel tank.
My throat tightened, painfully, while my chest tried to cave in on itself, like a piano that had been overtuned and was about to rip apart or collapse.
Flaring nostrils hissed ragged breaths that I couldn’t get under control, making me realize how much I resembled a cute, helpless bunny trapped in a corner.
“Come on, then!” I bellowed with a voice that cracked under the weight of my imminent doom.
In answer, the five hybrids bounded forward, drool-covered fangs glinting beneath fierce yellow eyes. Muscles rippled beneath thick fur of brown and black variants.
As they neared, I couldn’t help but notice the leader’s stripe went from the tip of his nose all the way down through his tail. It reminded me of the Christmas classic, Gremlins, with the lead baddy being called Stripe.
I took in a sharp breath and gritted my teeth as I prepared for the (ahem) dogpile.
Suppressed automatic gunfire sang out as one of the wolves went down in a yelp. The remaining four didn’t veer off target, and I willed a slipstream to carry me forty feet to the side.
With a smile at how clever I was, I turned around and saw three of the wolves looking around, confusion evident in their erratic head movements as they searched for me. But I was too cle—
A growl came from behind me, and my balls managed to slide behind my stomach to rest inside of my thoracic cavity. They each gave a “what’s up?” head bob to the lungs and heart, who were rightfully confused at the intruders.
Letting myself fall forward, I pivoted in the air, bringing up my shield right as Stripe swiped down at me with hands the size of cinder blocks and topped with claws that could have belonged to a velociraptor.
My shield shattered at the impact, stunning me at the loss of precious energy, and I hammered into the concrete with an “Oof.” Apparently, I had a vendetta against all the concrete of this warehouse complex and wouldn’t rest until it was all pounded into dust or burned to ash.
Fresh blood ran down my coat sleeve, and I realized that not only had Ulric cut through my freaking trench AND celestial armor...but now this damn were-pire had clawed several gashes as well!
That pissed me off.
Going on reflex and using only the elemental power around me, I guided a large section of air to condense into the size of a bowling ball, and shot it into the chest of the monster that was rearing up to swipe at my flesh again.
As if struck by a speeding car, the wolf was thrown back several yards as I scrambled awkwardly to my feet, spittle flying from between my gritted teeth at how furious I was.
“This was DA’s armor, you motherfucker!”
I shot another ball of condensed air using Mjolnir, but this time, Stripe backhanded it out of the way.
“Um...shit?” I whispered while the unmistakable gallop of several fast-approaching monsters came at me from behind.
Hayley lifted her rifle and pulled back on the charging handle, having apparently changed the magazine.
With expert precision, the warden of the Council sent out controlled bursts of fire toward the wolves, who seemed to pay her no mind. Then one had its forearm explode, and it went down in a screaming tumble, which appeared to warrant their attention.
Of the remaining two, one veered off toward Hayley, dodging and weaving with impossible speed.
Ignoring Stripe and the last wolf that was quickly approaching, I pointed Mjolnir toward the wet concrete and sent out a freezing gale of arctic air.
Ice bloomed like a video of an aggressive bacteria surging over wet, warm bread set to fast-forward.
Hayley’s wolf began to slip, but nowhere near as much as I was hoping. His weight mixed with the talons at the end of his feet kept him firmly upright.
“Fuck!” I barked, ready to try a different attack.
The last of the wolves tackled me hard enough that I thought I heard my neck crack. Good thing my brain was squished inside of my skull and it made me black out for a moment, otherwise that would have hurt! Like a lot!
There was the sensation of warm breath over my face
mixed with a stomach-wrenching aroma of rotted meat as something thick, hot, and wet spilled over my lips and nose.
Please be drool. Please be drool. Please be drool, I chanted to myself as I opened my eyes and saw I was inside of the monster’s mouth.
“Oh, thank Lilith!” I barked out, happy that the warm, sticky stuff coating my face was only drool before realizing he was trying to freaking eat my head! “SHIT!”
There was a whomp from somewhere nearby, followed by the overwhelming sensation of heat as the wolf yanked his mouth away from me and bellowed in agony.
After my brain fully rebooted, I could see why. He was completely covered in fire and was now running in circles to put it out.
“Huh?” I asked, letting some of the drool into my mouth, which almost made me puke.
“Sorry I’m late to the party,” Locke jovially announced as he strode into view, a wand covered in glowing red sigils in his hand.
Over one of Locke’s eyes was a patch, and I had to call out, “Is your name Willy now?”
“I knew you’d make a joke. I knew you’d make a joke. I fucking knew you’d make a joke,” Locke retorted, trying to focus on the battle at hand.
“’Cause you only have one eye. One-Eyed Willy...get it?”
A magazine clicked dry, and I shot my head toward Hayley to see her dropping the weapon and lifting her hands which were now humming with unseen power. The air shimmered around her outstretched fingers as she shot out her fist, sending a bolt of raw energy through the air and toward her wolf.
A portal opened up in front of him, and the attack vanished before reappearing behind her.
Her own attack smashed into her from behind, and she didn’t scream. Panic flew through my veins as my brain became gridlocked, watching as my friend simply dropped to the ground like a sock puppet. Smoke wafted from her body, and I knew if she wasn’t dead, she was severely hurt. My pregnant friend, who was carrying the child of my other friend who was dead, was lying in a heap on the ground.
