Someone cleared their throat behind Jannes and she felt ice-cold in her chest.
Jannes made eye contact with her. She knew that if she needed him to, he would stand in front of her, blocking her from view and protecting her in their corner of the bar, even while her dad stood there watching them. But she wouldn’t make him ridiculous for her sake. This was her own fault for letting herself get distracted and not seeing him approaching. For forgetting that avoiding her father should have been her number one priority.
‘Yes, it’s okay,’ she said, moving him gently aside with a hand on his chest. ‘What do you want?’ she said to her father in a low voice, making her face neutral and blank. The only thing worse than having to see him would be showing him how much it hurt. She wouldn’t let him think that he mattered.
‘Hello, Lara. I’ve missed you so much. Do you think we could go somewhere and...?’
‘And what?’ she demanded, anger welling up inside her from she didn’t know where. ‘I don’t want to talk to you. I want nothing to do with you.’
‘Lara, please, can we just...?’
‘No!’ she said, and realised too late that she was shouting and didn’t seem able to stop. ‘You “just”—just listen to me. I don’t want you in my life. Why won’t you respect my decision?’
‘I’m getting married,’ her father said, and she felt something hollow out inside her. Another family. Another try at having a family. She could be replaced, again, just like that. ‘I really want you to be there,’ he said. ‘Or just back in my life, however you want.’
‘I’m not interested,’ Lara spat, her anger burning hot and white in her chest. ‘I pity your fiancée!’
‘Lara, please,’ he said, his face reddening, a prickle of sweat at his hairline as he glanced over his shoulder at the room. ‘I’m your father.’
‘No! You’re not!’ She could feel her control slipping even further, could feel the walls closing in on her and the friendly hum of conversation in the bar became an oppressive buzz in her ears. ‘Jannes, let’s go.’
* * *
She slotted her fingers through his and stalked from the bar, studiously ignoring the stares of her assorted family as she did so. Let them look—she was hardly the one at fault here. That honour went to the feckless excuse for a father that she was currently walking away from. She dragged Jannes away from the front of the hotel, across the car park and through a gate beside the church that led to a small area of woodland.
‘Lara? What’s going on? Are we digging a g—? Oh.’
He stopping speaking as Lara smashed her mouth against his, sliding her hands into his back pockets and dragging him closer. She turned them both, pulling until her back was against a tree, the rough bark biting into her skin between her shoulder blades. But with a gentle hand on her cheek, Jannes eased himself away, looking down at her, panting and flushed.
‘Not that this isn’t...you know,’ he said, a little breathless, pulling her closer by the hips for a second. ‘But I’m not sure that being angry at your dad is a good reason to do this.’
‘Can’t you just shut up and kiss me? It’s a lot easier to not think about it when we’re doing that.’
Jannes groaned. ‘And while it’s extremely flattering that you’re using me that way, I’m not sure I want to be your human stress ball.’
She leaned away from him, her hands still wedged in his back pockets. ‘You’re turning me down.’
‘I’m not turning you down,’ he said, through a jaw so tight she was surprised he could get the words out. ‘You don’t really want me. You’re just working out your issues on me and I think things are complicated enough.’
‘None of which would matter if you actually wanted me,’ she insisted. Of all the times to turn her down... Normally, she could take it. But now she just needed him to need her as much as she did him. She needed what they had not to be a lie. She needed to not be her father, with a web of complicated relationships confusing the people around her. She loved Jannes, and she needed him to love her back.
‘This isn’t about wanting,’ Jannes said, maddeningly calm in the face of her panic. ‘I don’t know how you could possibly believe that I don’t want you after the last couple of months. This is about us making good choices, for good reasons. I don’t think you can know what you want while you’re mad at your dad.’
‘Well, screw you then, Jannes,’ she said, pushing him away. Because if she shoved hard enough, put enough distance between them, she could make herself believe that he couldn’t hurt her any more. That the fact that she loved him and he didn’t love her back didn’t flay her and leave her raw. Her hands came up and she clenched them in front of her chest. Jannes took half a step back and then pulled her to him, her forehead against his chest and her shoulders shaking as he wrapped his arms around them.
‘Jannes, no, you can’t. You can’t make this better. I’m... I’m broken. There’s something wrong with me, and as much as I want you—us—to fix it, it isn’t going to happen. You should get away from me. I’m going to hurt you if you do this.’
‘You’re angry. As you have every right to be,’ Jannes said, letting his arms fall away as she pulled her shoulders back and sucked in a long breath, her arms crossing back over her body. Her gaze darted past him, back towards the churchyard and the car park. ‘But I don’t think you’re angry at me, and I don’t think this is the time to be changing what we are to one another.’
‘You drove here, right?’ Lara asked. ‘You don’t need me to give you a ride home.’
‘I have my car,’ he said, his voice wary. ‘You’re leaving?’
‘I have to. I can’t go back in there—I’m not going to humiliate myself any more.’
‘And you’re leaving without me?’ She knew that she was hurting him. Knew that she shouldn’t walk away from him. But she needed to be away from here, and she needed to be alone.
‘You should stay. It’s an open bar. And apparently the buffet is going to be excellent.’
‘Lara.’ He turned her face up to his. ‘You know full well that I don’t care about the bloody open bar. I care about you—don’t do this.’
She shook her head. She didn’t have a choice. ‘I’m sorry. I have to go.’
‘You’re walking away from me.’
She glanced past him, back towards the hotel, the party, her family.
‘Yes. I’m sorry.’
And with that she walked past him, and he watched her until he heard the creak of the gate and she disappeared into the trees.
* * *
She texted him later that night, when the adrenaline and anger had deserted her, and she was left feeling limp and uncertain.
I’m sorry. Can we talk?
She watched her phone for an hour, a cup of coffee growing cold beside it, waiting for Jannes’s response. She didn’t even know where he was—whether he had driven back to London or Harbourside, or straight to the marina and headed out on the water. It was unsettling to feel so adrift just because she didn’t know where he was. What they were to each other right now.
How had they messed this up so badly? Because she was messed up. She’d fought with her dad, thrown herself at her friend, been rejected, and then walked out on him.
She had messed up in the worst possible way, and she deserved every bit of anger she was sure Jannes must be feeling. She just wished he would show up and be angry in person. Or at least call her and be mad at her on the phone, because this silence was killing her. She just needed to know that they were going to be okay. That they could pretend the last six weeks hadn’t happened and go back to being friends who stridently ignored the chemistry between them, because they knew the massive disaster that would ensue if they ever decided to cross that boundary.
She checked her phone again, even though she knew she would have heard it buzz if he’d messaged back. She cycled through her soc
ial media apps—turned out someone had shared a picture of them kissing before the christening, when she’d been so relieved to see that he was safe.
And then she remembered that he’d lost his phone, and she’d been waiting for a call that was never going to come. She dropped her head into her hands. What had she done?
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
LARA SNAPPED AWAKE the next morning as a message pinged, sitting up suddenly in bed and scrambling to read it, her hands shaking.
It was from Jannes.
Hey, sorry, just got a new phone. Want to talk now?
She replied before he could change his mind.
Yes. Please. Are you in London?
Maybe she should have worried about looking too eager, but she was desperate and there was no point hiding it.
Yeah. London Fields? Ten?
Meet you in our usual spot.
She showered and dressed quickly, running through conversations and arguments in her head, rehearsing what she could say to bring him back to her. To apologise for the way she had thrown herself at him and then run away when he’d quite understandably turned her down. And before any of that they had to decide what they wanted. What she wanted. Because she knew that until she’d done that there was no point talking at all.
Yes, she was angry at her dad. And yes, she had every right to be. But maybe her mum and Pip’s mum and Jannes all had a point—maybe she was letting that anger make decisions for her when she should be making them for herself. She’d had more of an insight into her dad’s life than she cared for, faking this thing with Jannes, and maybe she hadn’t dealt with her feelings about him in the healthiest possible way. Was she going to carry on like that—avoiding the things that she was afraid of, rather than choosing the things that she wanted? How long had her choices really been just a reaction against a man who had lied to her and broken her heart before it was fully formed?
She pulled a comb through her hair and pulled on a floral jumpsuit and her vintage gold sandals. Slipping earrings into her lobes, she hesitated over the gold and opal ring sitting in the jewellery dish on her dresser. Whether she chose to put it on or not sent a message. In the end, she wore it. It was just keeping the status quo, she rationalised to herself, and being photographed without it would be a hassle until she and Jannes had had a chance to talk and decide whether they were keeping this pretence of an engagement going, and if they weren’t, how they were going to get out of it.
She slipped the ring onto her finger and breathed out a sigh at the reassuring weight of it over her knuckle. She wouldn’t think too much about how attached she was to it already.
Eventually, she would have to. She’d been avoiding thinking about how she was feeling since the day her dad had left her, and maybe that wasn’t the right thing to be doing. At some point, maybe she should look a little deeper, at the wounds that she was carrying around, and whether they were affecting the choices that she made.
She didn’t have to do it with her family there—she wasn’t ready for family therapy yet—but she had been carrying this anger for so long. And it had pushed her to the edge of control, and risked ruining her...whatever it was she and Jannes were...because she couldn’t be in the same room as her father.
She pulled the door closed behind her and walked quickly down the sun-dappled pavements to the corner of Broadway Market, where she and Jannes had been meeting for weekend brunches for years. Where she had met him just a few weeks ago and concocted this plan which had soon spiralled way out of her control.
She spotted Jannes before he saw her, and she watched him approach, watched the subtle glances directed his way from men and women alike. He saw her at last, and attempted a smile that turned into a grimace, and she knew that things were very different from the last time that they’d walked here.
‘Hi,’ she said as he drew close, and one corner of his mouth turned up in a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
‘Hey,’ he replied, with such a sad tone deep in his voice that she knew she had broken something that couldn’t be fixed. Whatever happened next, things could never go back to how they’d been before she had brought him into that glade and acted out her fear and anger and sadness on him, until he’d had no choice but to push her away.
‘Do you want to eat or walk?’ Jannes asked, and Lara turned towards the park.
‘Walk?’ she said. She couldn’t eat, not the way she felt right now. She’d be sick.
They set out on the path that took a wide circle around the park. It was still quiet this morning, and they didn’t have to worry about being overheard.
‘You’re still wearing the ring,’ Jannes said as an opening gambit and she was relieved beyond measure that she had decided to wear it.
‘I didn’t want to presume...’ she started, picking her words in a way she’d never had to with Jannes before. Something between them had broken, and she didn’t know how to fix it.
They walked on in silence, and she didn’t know where to start trying to reach out to him.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said at last, because it was the most important part of what she had to say. ‘I shouldn’t have walked away from you like that. I knew it would hurt you and I did it anyway and I’m so sorry for that. And I’m sorry for the way that I threw myself at you too. I really messed up, and I want to make it right again.’
‘I want that too,’ Jannes said, his voice full of regret. ‘So much. But I think we’re wrong, trying to go back to how we were before. I don’t think we can do that. Too much has happened. Too much has changed.’
‘But I care about you, Jannes. I really do. Can’t we just keep hold of that?’
* * *
He wasn’t sure if they could. He’d watched Lara walk away from him at the church, and it wasn’t until then that he’d realised that it was his every worst nightmare come true. This was exactly why he’d avoided getting involved with her in the first place. They’d thought that they were so clever, with their rationalisations and their fake dating, and their ‘just going along with it, nothing to do with us’ when Mormor had upped the stakes. And in fact what they’d been doing was walking blindfolded into exactly the situation they had both sworn that they were going to avoid. When she’d hurt him, he’d realised it was exactly what he’d been scared of all along.
‘I think we have to stop this,’ he said as they reached the end of a path.
‘Stop here?’ she asked, her forehead wrinkling in confusion.
‘No,’ he said, turning to face her. ‘Stop this—’ He gestured to himself, to her. ‘I can’t pretend to be with you and want to be with you, and then...not be,’ he said, feeling his stomach swoop as he admitted how he felt about her.
‘You want to be with me?’ Of course that was the part she heard, not the breaking up part. She wouldn’t be Lara if she’d heard anything else.
‘Of course I do,’ he said, reaching for her hand, and then reminding himself. ‘You must know that. You know what I would want if things were different.’
She shook her head, and he knew that she wasn’t going to take being broken up with without a fight—the fact that the whole thing had been fake from the start didn’t make a difference to that.
‘What things?’ Lara asked. ‘All we have to do is decide if we’re doing this—if we want it. There’s nothing stopping us other than being afraid.’
‘Then that’s what’s stopping me,’ Jannes conceded. It didn’t make him feel very masculine, to admit that fear. He’d made a career of pushing his limits, conquering his perception of what he thought he could do. How little sleep he could survive with. How long he could spend at sea. How fast he could keep moving. But this? He didn’t want this challenge. Not when he knew he had no chance of winning. ‘I’m stopping myself because I can’t handle getting hurt the way I know that I will,’ he told her.
She shook her head, taking off her sunglasses so she
could look him properly in the eye. ‘Jannes, I’m not going to hurt you. I know why you think that, after I walked away.’
‘But you don’t know, Lara. Because if you did know how much that hurt me, you would never have done it.’ This time, she reached for his hands, both of them, and he had to take a step away.
‘I’ve apologised for that. I want to make it right.’
‘But this isn’t something that you can make right. Because it’s not about what you did; it’s about how I reacted. There’s something wrong with me, and I’ve accepted that.’
Her face was suddenly so full of pity that he had to look away. ‘You can’t believe that, Jannes. Please. There’s nothing wrong with you.’
He shook his head. ‘There is. I promise you. I felt something physically break when you walked away from me. And I understand why you did it—you were upset and hurting, it was a completely normal way for someone to behave in that situation. I’m not angry with you. But none of that changes how I felt watching you leave.
‘There’s only so many times I can do that to myself, Lara. And I know what will happen—I know who I am. If I’m scared of you leaving me, I’ll leave instead. I won’t want to, and I’ll tell myself that this time it’ll be different, but I’ll find excuses to be away longer and longer and eventually just never come home. And it will be everything you’ve ever feared coming true. Just like yesterday was for me.’
She dragged him over to a bench and sat looking at him until he was uncomfortable under her scrutiny. ‘I don’t think you’d do that to me,’ she said, her voice so sincere that he nearly believed her.
‘I know that I will.’
‘Well, I know you better than anyone else on this planet and I say that you’re wrong. And I’m not saying this because I want to be with you. I’m putting that aside and being completely objective here.’
He had to laugh at that; whether it was true or not, it was a bold claim.
From Best Friend to Fiancée Page 13
