The guy stood up from the wall and crossed his arms over his wide chest. “A cat?”
“That was your only takeaway?” Jackie cried. “Yes. Yes, a goddamned cat.” She strode over to the lawn and pushed past him to grab the lantern. She felt a flare of heat where her shoulder had brushed against his arm, but she shrugged it off and brandished the lantern at him.
“So you can’t touch this, so I have to carry it? Typical. Fucking typical.” She stomped past him and continued walking down the sidewalk, muttering to herself. “I just wanted to be left the hell alone. I should never have taken that job, I should never have answered the goddamned phone—”
“Where are you going?”
The guy was walking beside her now and Jackie glared at him. “I’m going back to the goddamned graveyard to give this stupid lantern to the funeral director. Or maybe the caretaker, he seemed to know all about it.”
The guy looked interested. “What did he tell you?”
Jackie let out a furious breath. “I don’t have to tell you shit. I don’t even want you walking beside me. Did you invite yourself on my little quest or something? Fuck. OFF!”
“As long as you have that lantern, you're stuck with me.”
Jackie stopped short. “What?” she screeched.
The guy shrugged. “I’m the lantern’s guardian. As soon as you were chosen, I was sent to find you.”
“And do what exactly?”
“To help you return the lantern to its rightful owner.”
She held up the lantern incredulously. “You know the person who owns this?”
He nodded.
“Well why didn’t you say that! I knew I’d knocked it off a grave or something, and I was hoping that there would be a name inscribed on it or something, but this is much better. Fine. Lead on. Where are we going. I hope it’s not too far because I have like no bus money.”
Jackie just wanted to be rid of the lantern. Gone. Goodbye. Out of her life so she could get back to normal and actually get a decent night’s sleep.
If the weirdo who had showed up on her doorstep knew where it belonged, so be it. She could deal with a stalker for a little while.
“Just so you know, I have a knife in my pocket,” she said as they started walking.
“No, you don’t,” he said pleasantly.
Fuck.
“You don’t know that for sure,” she said warningly. “Don’t try anything funny. I can turn you into a pretzel if I need to. My brother has a black belt and he showed me some moves that are pretty painful… on a guy… if you get my drift.”
The guy chuckled. “I bet. My name is Iradon, by the way.”
Jackie made a face. “Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
“Well, Eye-ra-don. Do I call you Ira or Don for short?”
“Neither,” he replied.
“Wonderful. This is going to be a great little outing,” she muttered. They came up on the gas station and Jackie veered away.
“Hey!” he called out. “Where are you going?”
“You ask too many questions,” she shouted at him. “I need coffee so I can survive this bullshit. Maybe then you’ll start making sense, Iradon.”
She yanked open the glass door of the gas station store and marched inside. “Hey, Bob, how old is the coffee?” she called out as the door chimed above her head.
“I brewed it at six am,” the attendant called out.
“Perfect,” Jackie muttered. The older it was, the worse it would be, which meant it was just the way she liked it. “Did you get more of those Irish Cream pod thingies?”
“Yup, just for you, squirt.”
Jackie sighed happily, set the lantern down on the counter, and grabbed the largest styrofoam cup in the holders. “You’re the best, Bobby!”
“I know!”
She poured the coffee and looked out the window to where her escort waited. “You’re the worst, Ira,” she said as she poured. “You have something belonging to my master,” she said mockingly. “I come from hell… I sat on your front porch all day so the neighbors could see.. Oooo I’m an asshole…”
“Talkin’ to yourself again?” Bob called out.
“Yeah, yeah. Can’t beat the conversation,” she replied.
Bob laughed. But he laughed at everything and wasn’t really the best benchmark for humor.
She poured three Irish Cream creamers into her giant coffee and inhaled the chemically-sweetened scent. “Best shit in the world,” she whispered before snapping the plastic lid into place.
She put her wrist through the lantern’t handle and wore it like a bracelet so she could cradle the precious coffee in both hands as she walked to the counter.
“One for the road,” she announced. She set down the coffee and pulled a wad of bills out of her pocket and tossed them onto the counter. “Thanks, Bobby, you’re the man!”
“That’s what they tell me,” the attendant called out. Bobby never came out of the back room unless he had to. Jackie pushed the bills under the corner of the cash register.
“Someone’s gonna rob you blind one of these days, Bobby,” she called out.
“If they do, they deserve whatever they get,” he replied cheerfully.
Whatever he was watching on the grainy television on the back erupted in a laugh track and she smiled.
“See ya tomorrow,” she shouted.
“Same time, same place!”
“You got it.”
She pushed open the door with the toe of her boot and walked back to where Iradon waited on the sidewalk. She held up her prize and looked at him quizzically. “You don’t want coffee?”
“I don’t drink coffee,” he said.
“Right. Everyone drinks coffee.”
“I don’t.”
She shrugged, held the cup to her lips, and took a sip of the burning liquid. She shivered as the hot liquid scorched her mouth and burned its way down her throat. Perfection. That was how you knew you were alive.
She pointed at a bus stop down the street. “That one will take us back to the funeral home.”
“We’re not taking a bus,” Iradon said casually.
“We’re not? I thought you said we were taking it back to its owner...”
Iradon shook his head. “The bus won’t take us there.”
Jackie stopped and looked at him warily. “I don’t have a car. And I don’t think I want to go anywhere with you...”
“You’re perfectly safe with me.”
Jackie snorted. “I bet you say that to all your victims.”
“Victims?”
He looked confused and Jackie rolled her eyes. “I don’t have a car. I’m not going anywhere that doesn’t have a bus stop. Get it? If you want this lantern returned, then you’ll have to figure something else out.”
Iradon looked thoughtful for a moment, and then strode across the street toward a line of parked cars.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting a car.”
Jackie ran across the street and looked around nervously. “You’re stealing a car?” she whispered loudly. “In broad daylight in a residential neighborhood? Are you insane?”
“We need a car. You don’t have one. We’re taking this one.”
He sounded so sure of himself, and a cold ball of tension tightened in Jackie’s stomach. “Look. I make bad decisions all the time, but not like THIS!” She took a nervous sip of coffee and looked around again as Iradon bent over the door lock.
The car door popped open and Jackie choked on her mouthful of coffee. “How did you do that?”
He grinned at her and Jackie’s eyes widened as she saw that sharpness of his teeth. “Magic,” he said casually.
“Sure. Sure, whatever. Let’s just leave.This is too much. I can’t deal with this.”
“We have to take the lantern back to my master. That means we have to travel a little farther than the funeral home.”
“Your master doesn’t live here?” Jackie squeaked.
“Oh.”
Iradon pointed at the passenger side. “Get in,” he commanded.
Jackie looked around nervously and shifted the hot coffee in her hands. “Yeah. Look. I dunno if I feel right about this. You want to take the lantern back to your boss or whatever, that’s cool, I’ll just put it in the passenger seat and you can drive it back to him. No harm, no foul, I can go back home and go back to bed and try desperately to forget all of—” she gestured wildly, “—this.”
“That’s not going to happen,” Iradon said wryly. “Get in the car, Jackie.”
She pressed her lips together and drummed her fingers on the styrofoam cup. “No. No. I think I won’t.”
Iradon leaned on the car and looked at her seriously. “Look. I wasn’t going to tell you this, but you can’t get rid of that lantern that easily. I can’t take it anywhere without you. If you put the lantern in the car and I drive away, you’re going to start to feel sick. But that sickness won’t go away. It’ll get worse. And worse.”
“And what, I’ll die?” Jackie laughed. “Nice dire predictions.”
But Iradon didn’t smile. “Yes. You will. And it won’t be pleasant, either. It’ll be painful, and heartbreaking for your friends. No one will be able to save you—all because you refused to do what was asked of you.”
“Newsflash for you, I don’t have any friends. So, no one will give a shit about what happens to me. So… take your little lantern and go, and I’ll just deal with whatever happens.”
Iradon shook his head. “I can’t do that. Get in the car.”
“Nope.” The passenger door flew open and Jackie jumped back. “I said no.”
Iradon ducked into the car and slid into the driver’s seat. The car revved to life and Jackie felt a shiver ripple down her spine. He didn’t have any keys, and hadn’t seen him fiddle with anything to hotwire it. This was way too weird.
“Get in.”
Jackie shook the lantern off her wrist and tossed it into the car. It bounced on the passenger seat and fell onto the floormat. “Sorry,” she muttered lamely.
She darted forward to pick it up, but as she leaned into the car, Iradon reached out and grabbed her arm and hauled her into the car. She could feel the heat of his hand through her sweatshirt and she tried to pull away, but his grip was hard and tight.
She fell awkwardly, spilling her coffee in the process. The hot liquid burned her hand and she yelped in pain. The door slammed shut.
Five
“Hey!”
She grabbed for the door handle, but it didn’t budge. Locked.
“You’re kidnapping me?” she cried. “What the goddamn hell are you doing you crazy bastard!” She kicked out at him, but he blocked her flailing attack with ease and pushed her back against the seat with a strength she hadn’t expected. Pinned to the seat, she struggled briefly and then relaxed.
“Fine! Fuck. Fine! Let’s go for a little drive. Why the hell not. I love being taken places against my will, makes for a super fun outing for everyone.”
“Good,” Iradon said.
Iradon put the car into gear and pulled away from the curb. Jackie settled herself into the seat and looked out the window. “So… where are we going?”
“The lantern has to be replaced in its cradle. Where it belongs.”
Jackie rolled her eyes. “Fascinating, but you didn’t answer my question. What happens then?”
“Then my master will come for you.”
Jackie sat up in her seat. “Hold on. No one said anything about anyone taking me anywhere except you.”
“I told you, I’m a messenger.”
“Yeah, you also told me that you’re a hellhound, and that you come from hell, and that you don’t drink coffee, which is all complete and utter bullshit, why should I believe anything you say?”
Iradon shrugged. “I don’t have to lie. The truth is much more rewarding.”
“Yeah, I bet,” Jackie muttered. “So, Mister Truth Teller, what happens when your master comes for me?”
“You’ll be his bride,” he said casually.
“His what?” Jackie shrieked.
“Bride.”
“I heard what you said, but it’s ridiculous. I’m not marrying anyone, and no one can make me marry anyone, and if that’s where you’re taking me you can stop this goddamn car right now and let me out!”
“I told you, I can’t do that.”
“Bullshit,” she shouted.
Jackie turned in her seat and lifted her legs. She kicked out with both feet at the windscreen, and her heels collided with the glass with enough force to break it. Or at least crack it. At least, that’s what should have happened. But nothing happened. She kicked again. And again. But the windshield was unscathed.
She let out a screech of frustration and pulled on the door handle again, but it barely moved.
She flung herself back in the passenger seat and let out a furious breath. Anger seethed in her chest and her blood pounded in her ears. Her head ached and pulsed in time with her thundering heartbeat.
“Have some coffee,” Iradon said. He seemed completed unaffected by her outburst.
“I don’t want any goddamn coffee,” she snarled.
Iradon shrugged and looked back at the road.
“Will you tell me where the hell we’re going?”
“I don’t know yet,” he said. “The lantern will lead us.”
Jackie laughed shortly. “The lantern will lead us? Is this your first day on the job?”
Iradon nodded. “The lantern only appears every three hundred years. It’s never appeared in my jurisdiction before. So, technically, it’s my second day.”
“Second day. Lucky me. A rookie.”
“You should be grateful,” he said.
“Grateful? Grateful for what?” Jackie shouted. “I’ve had the worst night of my life, I hit my head on a goddamn gravestone—I probably have a concussion. I’m seeing things that aren’t there. Are you even real? I might be having an episode, a hallucination. You’re a hallucination. I’m imagining all of this, I know it. My mother always said I had an active imagination but this is NUTS.”
“If it makes you feel any better, this isn’t a dream.”
“I didn’t say it was a dream, did I say it was a dream? This is a literal nightmare!”
“You need to breathe.”
“I need to throw up,” she retorted.
Iradon shook his head. “No you don’t. This is a nice car.”
Jackie glared at him. “No. Wouldn’t want to mess it up. How rude of me.”
“No problem. Just sit back and relax. The lantern will tell us where to go.”
Jackie looked down at the lantern between her feet. “It will?”
Iradon nodded.
“And how will it do that?”
“It just will.”
Jackie laughed and nudged the lantern with the toe of her boot. “You have no idea what’s supposed to happen, do you?”
“It’ll happen. Now sit back and relax.”
“Relax? You’re such a piece of work. How am I supposed to relax? I’m being kidnapped by a guy who thinks he’s a dog from hell to be taken to some mysterious bossman to be a bride? You’re a lunatic if you think I’m going to relax.”
She crossed her arms over her chest as Iradon chuckled. “Whatever you say. I told you I don’t lie. And I’m not a lunatic.”
Jackie didn’t say anything, but her mind was racing as fast as her heart as Iradon turned the car away from downtown and took the exit that led to the freeway.
“There!”
Iradon’s cry of surprise startled Jackie out of a blessedly dreamless sleep. It was dark, and Iradon’s face was illuminated by the lights on the dash. His features looked demonic in the strangely muted light and Jackie flinched away from him,
“What? What is it?”
“The lantern,” he said. “It’s glowing!”
Jackie looked down between her fee
t, and let out a small cry of surprise.
The lantern was glowing.
An eerie green light burned inside the glass and she lifted it into her lap to look at it more closely.
“Why the hell is it glowing,” she whispered.
“It’s showing us the way.”
Jackie rubbed at her eyes and blinked to clear her vision. “What way? How do you know?”
“Which way is the flame leaning?”
“Leaning?”
“Look closely, there is an exit coming up.” Iradon’s voice was tight and Jackie bit down on her tongue and looked at the lantern again.
“Left. Left, it’s leaning left.”
“Are you sure?”
Jackie’s throat tightened and she felt desperation tugging at her spine. “No! I’m guessing! Just go left. If it’s wrong the lantern will tell us or something, right?”
Iradon growled, and the sound filled Jackie’s ears. He sounded like the dog that had stood in her back yard barking at her while she tried to sleep. The dog with red eyes and a tiger striped hide. She felt a chill ripple through her.
He jerked the wheel to the left and the car veered crazily as he tried to make the off-ramp. Jackie bit back a scream as they narrowly missed the traffic cones and careened onto the ramp.
She looked over at Iradon and saw that his jaw was clenched and his hands were tight on the wheel.
“You made it,” she said shortly.
“Barely.”
“You didn’t give me much warning,” she retorted.
“The lantern didn’t give me much warning.”
“Oh yes, let’s blame the inanimate magical item,” she mocked him.
“The lantern will lead us to its resting place. That’s where it belongs, and it wants to go there. It doesn’t care what you want.”
“You’re insane,” she muttered.
“We’ll see.”
“It’s late,” Jackie said after a moment. Iradon did not reply. “We’ve been driving for a long time,” she said. “My ass is numb and I’m hungry.”
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