by Ian Doescher
A Pop Shakespeare Book
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All rights reserved. Except as authorized under U.S. copyright law, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from Universal Studios.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2018943043
ISBN: 9781683690948
Ebook ISBN 9781683690955
Ebook design adapted from printed book designed by Doogie Horner
Text by Ian Doescher
Interior illustrations by Kent Barton
Cover illustration by Hugh Fleming
Production management by John J. McGurk
Quirk Books
215 Church Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
quirkbooks.com
v5.4
a
To Josh, Chris, Nathan, Travis, Ben, and Pete—And all the other friends from Alameda—Whom I first met in 1985 And still am proud to call my friends today
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Other Titles
A Note About the Series
List of Illustrations
Dramatis Personae
Prologue
Act I
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Act II
Scene 1
Scene 2
Act III
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Act IV
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Act V
Scene 1
Scene 2
Afterword
Acknowledgments
Reader’s Guide
Sonnet 1.21
About the Author
THE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S STAR WARS SERIES
The Phantom of Menace: Star Wars Part the First
The Clone Army Attacketh: Star Wars Part the Second
Tragedy of the Sith’s Revenge: Star Wars Part the Third
Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope
The Empire Striketh Back: Star Wars Part the Fifth
The Jedi Doth Return: Star Wars Part the Sixth
The Force Doth Awaken: Star Wars Part the Seventh
Jedi the Last: Star Wars Part the Eighth
THE POP SHAKESPEARE SERIES
Much Ado About Mean Girls
A NOTE ABOUT THE SERIES
Welcome to the world of Pop Shakespeare!
Each book in this series gives a Shakespearean makeover to your favorite movie or television show, re-creating each moment from the original as if the Bard of Avon had written it himself. The lines are composed in iambic pentameter, and the whole is structured into acts and scenes, complete with numbered lines and stage directions.
Astute readers will be delighted to discover Easter eggs, historical references, and sly allusions to Shakespeare’s most famous plays, characters, and themes, which you can learn more about in the author’s Afterword. A Reader’s Guide is also included, for those who want to learn more about Shakespeare’s style.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
1Frontispiece
2“Now shall I grasp the back end of this car—A horseless carriage fashion’d out of steel And power’d by the strength of fuel and flame.”
3“Pay heed: preserve the tower of the clock! Our grand clock tower needeth your swift aid!”
4“Unless mine eyes deceive, before me is The most distinctive silver frame of the DeLorean—a car most nonpareil.”
5“My loyal Einstein hath, e’en here, become The first time traveler the world hath known.”
6“Alas! We two are in a quagmire now. They strike at us with murderous intent.”
7“Art thou call’d Calvin Klein? For on thine underwear it is display’d.”
8“The flux capacitor—I know it well. Behold, my friend, the work of thirty years…”
9“Great Scott! I prithee, let me see again The photograph of thou and siblings too.”
10“O Marty, be thy wheels not square, but round, Else thou shalt nowhere go.”
11“Hands, precious hands, play on these mellow strings, Support the song that joins these two as one…”
12“The sign says Lone Pine Mall, not Twin Pine, strange— Have all my memories chang’d?”
13“Behold, big Biff, who waxeth presently.”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
CHORUS
MARTY MCFLY, a boy of the future
JENNIFER PARKER, Marty’s paramour
DOCTOR EMMETT “DOC” BROWN, his mentor
EINSTEIN, Doc’s canine companion
GEORGE MCFLY, Marty’s father
LORRAINE BAINES MCFLY, Marty’s mother
DAVE and LINDA MCFLY, Marty’s siblings
BIFF TANNEN, a brute
SKINHEAD, 3-D, and MATCH, Biff’s thugs
SAM and STELLA BAINES, Lorraine’s parents
MILTON, SALLY, TOBY, and JOEY BAINES, Lorraine’s siblings
SIR STRICKLAND, school headmaster
GOLDIE WILSON, a politician
MA and PA PEABODY, farmers
SHERMAN and SIS PEABODY, their children
MARVIN BERRY AND THE STARLIGHTERS, merry music makers
VARIOUS RESIDENTS OF HILL VALLEY
LIBYANS
PROLOGUE
Hill Valley, California, in the New World.
Enter CHORUS.
CHORUS Now, gentles, pray your patience for this play.
In heart and mind, let fancy hold its sway—
Ne’er has there been such whimsy on the stage,
E’en when Andronicus was all the rage.
To wit: we shall transport ye these two hours,
Enablèd by our keen dramatic pow’rs.
Ere ye depart, we’ll proffer such surprise,
Not one of ye, my friends, shall trust your eyes.
Eyes—yea, and ears—attend unto our tale,
In which we’ll carry ye beyond the pale.
Go with us, prithee, past your common sense,
Herein we’ll voyage years four hundred hence.
Time travel! Such is our agenda bold—
Yea, from our author’s mind shall this unfold.
For this endeavor, England we must leave,
In far America our tale we weave.
View wonders! On our stage do we arrive—
E’en late October, nineteen eighty-five.
[Exit.
SCENE 1
The year 1985. At Doc Brown’s house.
Enter MARTY MCFLY.
MARTY Let fame, that all hunt after in their lives,
Live register’d upon my brazen tomb
And then grace me in the disgrace of death;
When, spite of cormorant devouring time,
Th’endeavor of this present breath may buy
That honor which shall bate his scythe’s keen edge
And make me heir of all eternity.
Yet though I speak of death-defeating fame,
A simpler fate befits my humble state.
A lad of seventeen, my fondest hopes
Soar far beyond the custom of my years,
Which still do fall three fewer than a score.
Whilst all my friends waste time in vain pursu
its,
I long for something higher than the rest.
Perhaps this longing, though, is but a symbol
Of that poor life that I do daily lead.
My parents poor, my siblings’ prospects weak,
Our days in the Estates of Lyon just
A hollow tapestry of human life.
Beneath this melancholy promise, though,
I see a vision of a better day,
The sight of which doth flow from double source:
First, mine own paramour, my Jennifer,
The ever-fav’rite object of my heart.
And second, my dear friend in awe and wonder—
E’en Doctor Emmett Brown, whom I call Doc.
His house is like another home to me,
With less of strife and quarrels than mine own.
A place of mental curiosity,
Where to experiment is all the aim.
Doc is a scientist of brilliant mind,
Inventing new contraptions ev’ry day.
Although the man doth have a genius brain,
His eccentricities have kept him from
The public recognition he deserveth.
As I make entrance to Doc’s busy home,
I find there’s neither man nor beast herein.
Doc’s many gadgets and creations, though,
Surround me as if I were lost at sea
And ev’ry apparatus were the water.
Behold these clocks which run in perfect time,
A hundred such devices—yea, or more—
Of varied style and movement, gear and spring,
Each tick the perfect echo of the rest,
Each tock in step, as to a drummer’s beat.
A radio begins to sound, and brings
A stranger’s voice unbidden to the room.
Then doth a timer ring, and on the instant
The smell of brewing coffee strikes the air,
Once programm’d for the time by Doc’s own hand.
A television—wondrous miracle—
Turns on by force of automated lever,
Whereon a telecaster doth announce
The recent theft of some plutonium.
A charcoal slab of that, which once was bread,
Emerges from a toasting silver box.
Another gizmo starts with buzzing sound,
Then opens food for Einstein, Doc’s pet dog,
Whose shaggy, graying hair is partner to
That which doth grow atop of Doc’s own pate.
The bowl o’erflows—hath Einstein not been here?
Besides these few inventions, other bits
Of knick and knack are posted on the walls—
A tale torn from a newspaper of old,
Which tells the story of the mansion Brown,
Which, sometime more than twenty years ago,
Did burn with mighty pyre and restless flame.
This tragedy I never have discuss’d
With Doc, since he and I did friends become.
The portraits, too, of various inventors
Adorn the walls, as if to watch Doc work
And bring their inspiration to his toil.
Ne’er have I seen Doc’s house in such a state
Of disarray, and yet I do confess:
These curiosities and implements
Form but a backdrop to my soul’s desire,
The reason I have hither come this morn:
To play my lute upon Doc’s system vast,
Which he hath gladly giv’n me leave to do.
I turn the dials and switches to the height,
To maximize the power of the sound.
These small controls shall amplify my lute
An ’twere a thousand lutes did play at once.
The overdrive is set to th’hundred mark,
And all the levels rise unto the brink.
My lute I do connect unto the board,
Prepar’d with single pluck of sheep-gut string
Here to unleash a beast of rock and roll.
[Marty plays and is blown back by the sound of the speaker, which then explodes. The phone rings.
Enter DOCTOR EMMETT BROWN, talking on phone, and EINSTEIN, both above on balcony.
DOC Hail, Marty, art thou there?
MARTY —Good Doc, forsooth!
Where art thou, friend? For I came to thy house
Expecting I should find thee at thy breakfast.
DOC Ah! Deo gratias that thou art found—
And, also, that thou art both safe and whole.
Canst thou meet me tonight, at Twin Pines Mall,
Upon the very strike of one fifteen?
A major breakthrough I have made, my friend,
And shall thy brave assistance then require.
MARTY Thou wouldst engage me thither, at the hour
Of one fifteen, which after midnight comes?
When normal folk do lie abed and sleep,
We two shall be outside, adventuring?
DOC We shall, and thou shalt ne’er forget the night.
MARTY What is the matter that doth move thee so?
And say, where hast thou been the livelong week,
Whilst for thee I have search’d with urgency?
DOC Engag’d in testing mine experiments.
MARTY Pray, what of Einstein? Is the pup with thee?
DOC Indeed, he sitteth at my feet e’en now.
MARTY Thy house, it is in shambles—didst thou know?
All thine equipment thou didst leave to run,
Some six or seven days now, by my troth.
DOC Equipment, sayest thou? The very word
Doth prompt remembrance of another thing:
The amplifier for thy lute thou shouldst
Not use at present, for there is a chance—
Be it but slight indeed, still there’s a chance—
The system may o’erload and blast the whole.
MARTY Thus shall I keep in mind. [Aside:] Had he but been
Five minutes sooner, this advice would help.
DOC ’Tis well. I shall, then, see thy face tonight—
I bid thee, Marty, to forget it not:
A quarter past the stroke of one o’clock,
At Twin Pines Mall. I’ll see thee soon.
MARTY —Indeed.
[All the clocks begin chiming.
Alas, what ringing! Why hath this commenc’d,
The tintinnabulations of the bells?
DOC Peace! Count the clock.
MARTY —The clock hath stricken eight.
DOC A-ha! Then mine experiment hath work’d!
They run as slowly as a tortoise gait,
Behind by minutes counting twenty-five!
MARTY What shocking words are these thou speak’st to me?
What presage of mine own delay’d arrival?
What prelude to a future punishment?
What fable of a race against the clock?
Is’t true, what thou dost calmly say to me?
The time is verily eight twenty-five?
DOC Precisely—science is not lost on thee!
MARTY O, fie upon it! I must play the hare,
And skip most jauntily upon my path,
For I am caught up late for school—again.
DOC Godspeed, then, Marty, on thy merry way!
[Exeunt Doc and Einstein from balcony. Marty leaves Doc’s house.
Enter various RESIDENTS OF HILL VALLEY upon the streets.
MARTY I leave anon, my vehicle withal—
A piece of wood with wheels numb’ring four
On which I stand, whilst pushing with one foot.
This skateboard must convey me hence apace,
That I may swiftly to the schoolhouse fly.
Now shall I grasp the back end of this car—
A horseless carriage fashion’d out of steel
And power’d by the strength of fuel and flame.
The ride takes me past many jovial
>
Hill Valley residents and citizens,
Who wave at me, a youth of their acquaintance.
The driver of the car hath notic’d me
As I do use his speed to make my way.
A withering and friendless look he gives,
Belike unhappy with his hanger-on—
The new caboose for which he did not ask,
The barnacle that fastens to his rock.
We pass the signs for Baron Goldie Wilson,
The noble leader of our humble town.
He seeks another term of office soon
Beneath the banner of his motto proud,
E’en “Hon’sty, Decency, Integrity.”
[Exeunt citizens as Marty approaches school.
Hill Valley High School: I am here at last,
And hopefully shall not be punishèd
For my belated ingress to the school.
Enter JENNIFER PARKER.
My love, heart of my heart, my Jennifer!
JENNIFER Thou comest late again, sweet Marty, and
If thou wouldst ’scape the ire of our headmaster—
Sir Strickland, who doth fiercely search for thee—
Go not that way, but follow on with me.
If thou art caught, thou shalt be written down
As being tardy four times in a row.
This hallway mayhap shall give passage safe.
MARTY This time ’twas not my fault, for I did fall
Beneath the whimsy of Doc’s genius mind,
Which ever hath a new scheme, and which did—
For trial of what theory I know not—
Set ev’ry clock within his house behind.
Enter SIR STRICKLAND.
STRICK. The utt’rance of that name, the name of Doc,
Falls on mine ear an ’twere a pestilence
That shall set fire unto my brain at once.
Am I to understand that thou, McFly,
May still be found within the company
Of Doctor Emmett Brown, that hapless man?
Now to your punishments, ye naughty scamps:
Miss Parker, thou hast earn’d a tardy slip,
The twin of which I give to thee, McFly,
Which totals four upon successive days.
