by Rose Pearson
Of course, Sarah had been required to go also and had hated every single moment of it. Whenever Lord Ruddington had so much as dared to glance at her, she had felt such a searing pain within her heart that she had almost been forced to bend double in an attempt to hide it away. Instead, she had merely turned her head away and dealt with the pain as best she could, gritting her teeth and forcing her hot tears away.
“Sarah, you are not listening to me!”
Jerked from her thoughts, Sarah turned back to see her cousin looking at her impatiently, her beautiful features marred by the frown on her brow and the narrowing of her eyes.
“I am sorry,” she said hastily, moving away from the window and trying to smile. “What was it you asked me?” She tried desperately to move her thoughts away from Lord Ruddington, her mind still turning over every single remark he had made the last time they had spoken, the strangeness of his words and the confusion over his sorrowful, almost regretful demeanor.
Miss Marks huffed a little sigh and tossed her head. “I am sorry if you find my conversation dull,” she murmured in the affected way of hers that Sarah found so difficult. “I was merely asking you what you thought of Lord Ruddington. I am quite certain he intends to seek to court me soon enough, but he has not asked me as yet.” She laughed suddenly, her eyes bright and all displeasure gone. “I think he is quite the gentleman, of course, and very particular in his attentions, but I do not know whether or not I am prepared to give up the affections and attentions of all the other gentlemen who seem so eager to pursue me.” She laughed again, the sound grating on Sarah’s nerves.
“I think you must consider what your future is to be,” Sarah replied as calmly as she could even though she despised her cousin’s eagerness to flirt and toy with as many gentlemen as she could. “Lord Ruddington appears to be a most suitable gentleman, does he not?” She did not make mention of what Lord Ruddington himself had said to her for fear that this would only confuse matters, particularly when she did not know what he had meant. “You must marry someday.”
Again, her cousin laughed and tossed her head. “You are quite ridiculous, Sarah, really. Yes, I must marry, but there is no particular urgency! It is not as though I am on the shelf as yet. I can enjoy myself this season and thereafter, seek a husband for myself.” Her eyes turned towards the door as though she were expecting a stream of gentlemen, even though it was not yet time for the afternoon calls to begin. “It is rather pleasing to be the object of so much attention.”
Sarah began to despair that her cousin would never truly consider her future with any of the gravity it was due, trying not to roll her eyes nor give into the irritation that filled her.
“My brother did not marry and settle until Father practically forced him to do so!” Miss Marks laughed, waving a hand at Sarah. “You know that very well, do you not?”
“Yes, I do,” Sarah murmured, having met Miss Marks’ elder brother on one or two occasions before and recalling she had not particularly warmed to him at all. He had been just as his sister was—something of a flirt who appeared to enjoy the attentions dropped upon him by the ladies of the ton. “He married a wealthy young lady, from what I believe.”
“She had an excellent dowry,” Miss Marks corrected, although her smile still remained. “But that was only when father insisted, and the banns were called that very same week!” She sighed contentedly and settled her hands in her lap. “I am quite certain that if my brother can find a suitable match within a week, then I have no urgency when it comes to considering what sort of gentleman might make me an excellent husband.”
Sarah sighed inwardly. “You mean not to accept Lord Ruddington, then, when the time comes for him to ask.”
Miss Marks sighed prettily, tilting her head. “I have not yet completely decided,” she replied quietly. “He is very handsome, is he not?” She paused but looked away from Sarah, clearly expecting her to agree. “And remarkably amiable and very attentive.”
“Just as attentive as some of the gentleman who have sought to court you before, surely,” Sarah interrupted, not certain whether she was saying such a thing in order to protect her cousin or to try to help herself. “He is not all that different from those who have come before, at least not as far as I can see.”
Miss Marks laughed and waved a hand again as though Sarah were being utterly foolish. “Ah, but that is where you are quite wrong,” she answered, a dreamlike expression coming over her face. “He writes me the most beautiful of letters, which no other gentleman has ever done before. Not a day goes by where I do not receive at least two, both proclaiming his deep affection for me and how much he longs to be by my side again.” She smiled and arched one eyebrow in Sarah’s direction, clearly unaware of how much this affected her. “What say you to that? That is markedly different indeed, is it not?”
Sarah, who had not known about these letters, nodded and tried to ignore the way her stomach roiled, and her heart ached. “It is,” she replied, honestly, wondering if Lord Ruddington meant a single word he had written to Miss Marks thus far. “Then you are thinking of accepting the offer of courtship?” It was apparent that Lord Ruddington, despite having permission from Sophia’s father, was biding his time and making his intentions and supposed affections known to the lady, in the hope that it would convince her to accept him. As much as she did not want to believe it, Sarah saw his plan was working rather well, for Miss Marks was not immediately rejecting the idea of courtship, which she had done so many times before. “Do you have any feelings of affection for him?”
Miss Marks threw back her head and laughed, shaking it in mock amusement. “Goodness, Sarah, that is all you seem to ask me about!” she exclaimed, her tone a little mocking. “No, indeed not, I have no particular affection for him at all, but that does not mean it would not be a good match.”
Sarah swallowed the lump in her throat, knowing the reason she brought such a subject to the fore was that she considered them to be of great importance and value—whilst her cousin did not. It felt wrong to encourage a match between two people who felt nothing for one another, and yet this was what she was expected to do in her role as companion.
“He is to come for dinner this evening,” Miss Marks continued, which took Sarah by surprise, having been unaware that Lord Ruddington had been invited to what was a small dinner party. “I am so very glad he could attend. We shall have a very joyous evening, I am sure.”
“Indeed,” Sarah replied, trying to frantically think of a way she might escape from dinner this evening. It was one thing to sit quietly in the corner whilst Lord Ruddington and Miss Marks conversed and laughed together, but quite another to have to dine with them, to see him make polite conversation with Lord and Lady Britton to enamor himself further with them. This she would have to endure, secure in the knowledge that there was no true affection in Lord Ruddington’s heart for Miss Marks. That was something she could not understand, for as much as she had tried to make sense of it, she had not been able to do so. It had rolled around in her mind, unspoken and heavy. Even Lady Smithton’s gentle encouragements to tell her of what was weighing her down had not been helpful.
“I must go.”
Abruptly, Sarah rose to her feet, all thought of her duties towards Miss Marks flying from her.
“I beg your pardon?” Miss Marks replied, her eyes wide as Sarah strode towards the door. “You cannot simply leave, Sarah! We have afternoon visitors expected.”
“And I must beg to be excused,” Sarah replied, filled with the desperate urge to go to Lady Smithton at once and tell her everything. She had not done so for a fortnight, trapped and miserable and fearing that if she were honest with Lady Smithton, she would simply suggest that Sarah set her sights on another gentleman instead of Lord Ruddington when the truth was she did not have any desire to do any such thing. Her feelings for Lord Ruddington were still very much present, still growing within her despite the confusion and sorrow, and she felt almost ashamed of herself for letting such emotions cloud her so. It
had been as Miss Marks had thrown aside the subject of affections and fondness that Sarah had felt the clouds parting and the sun throwing itself directly over her. She had been foolish to keep all such things to herself. Lady Smithton was her friend and was there ready to help her with any and every concern, was she not? So why had she chosen to keep her misery to herself? She had to speak to the lady at once, to lay out her concerns and beg for her help.
“Your mother will be present with you also, will she not?” she asked Sophia, turning around just as she reached the door. “Therefore, you do not need me.”
“Oh, but I do,” Miss Marks replied firmly. “No, Sarah, I simply cannot do without you. You know very well what mama is like! I insist you stay.”
Sarah took in a deep breath, set her shoulders, and shook her head. “I must depart for a short time,” she told her cousin, seeing how Miss Marks’ mouth swung ajar, her eyes widening in shock. “I will be back to ensure you are fully prepared for dinner, have no doubt. Forgive me for my hasty departure, but it must be done. Good afternoon.”
“Ah, Sarah!” Lady Smithton’s use of Sarah’s first name lifted Sarah’s spirits. “How good to see you.”
“Thank you, Lady Smithton,” she answered quietly, stepping into the ballroom a little more and being rather surprised to see Lord Havisham dancing with a young lady who was, unfortunately, doing a rather poor job of keeping in step. “I am sorry to have interrupted you when you—”
“You are always welcome,” Lady Smithton replied firmly, looping her arm through Sarah’s and leading her forward. “Lord Havisham is merely assisting Lady Beatrice so that she might improve her dancing, that is all.” She chuckled as a cry of apology sprang from Lady Beatrice’s lips, which Lord Havisham then quickly sought to calm. “Lord Havisham does not particularly enjoy dancing, I admit, but he is very willing to be of assistance to anyone who requires it.” She led Sarah to where three chairs were sitting by a small table at the edge of the ballroom and gestured for her to sit down. “Now, what is it that brings you here?” Her eyes filled with concern as they searched Sarah’s face. “You have been quite absent from here these last two weeks. I have tried to find you and to encourage you to call upon me or to join me on a walk or some such thing, but you have not been particularly willing.”
“No,” Sarah admitted, her cheeks a little flushed with embarrassment. “No, I confess I have not been, Lady Smithton. I have seen you only a few times these last two weeks, and that has been entirely my own choice.”
Lady Smithton nodded, her gaze direct, but her expression open. “And why might that have been?”
Taking in a breath, Sarah tried to smile. “Because Lord Ruddington has decided to pursue my cousin, even though he has no particular affection for her.” Briefly, she sketched out what had occurred and what she had heard from Lord Ruddington’s lips, seeing Lady Smithton look a little surprised, although she hid it from her expression rather quickly.
“I see,” Lady Smithton murmured when Sarah had finished speaking. “And you have struggled with this for a fortnight without saying a word?”
Sarah nodded, aware of the growing tightness in her chest and the warm tears that sprang to her eyes. “I have,” she admitted. “To state that I have feelings for Lord Ruddington when he is clearly in pursuit of my cousin is more than foolish, is it not?” She sighed and shook her head, not wanting to see either sympathy or laughter on Lady Smithton’s face. “I came to you for help because I did not want to become a spinster, lost and alone, and now have found myself seeking the one gentleman I can never have for myself.”
Lady Smithton leaned forward in her chair and touched Sarah’s hand, forcing her to look up. There was no mirth in Lady Smithton’s expression, nor overeager compassion. Instead, there was a gentle understanding that made Sarah want to weep.
“I may have been wrong to encourage you towards Lord Ruddington,” Lady Smithton said quietly, her eyes fixed upon Sarah’s. “I must confess I thought him interested in you, however. I am still convinced of it even though you have told me he has decided to pursue Miss Marks. What troubles me is why he has chosen to do so.”
Sarah lifted one shoulder. “May it not be that it is simply a good match?” she asked dully. “My cousin has an excellent dowry and is much more beautiful than me.”
“And yet, he has no true feelings for her,” Lady Smithton interrupted, “and it is all the more apparent that he is drawn to you but, for whatever reason will not allow himself to pursue it.”
Looking down at her linked hands, Sarah let out a slow breath. “He did tell me, before he left the house, that I should be glad of his lack of attention in the end,” she said carefully, having not told Lady Smithton of Lord Ruddington’s parting words. “He stated, most clearly, that I would no longer think of him as an excellent gentleman when the time came. I confess I do not understand what such a thing meant, and I have been almost too afraid to confront it.” Her head began to ache as she spoke honestly to Lady Smithton. “I think very highly of Lord Ruddington, even though he has chosen Miss Marks over pursuing what might have been between us. I suppose I can understand it, given gentlemen of society choose what is best often over what they truly desire. And yet...”
“And yet?” Lady Smithton pressed as Sarah trailed off.
“And yet, he is still within my heart!” Sarah exclaimed, throwing her hands up in exasperation at her foolishness. “As much as I know I should forget all that was said and the spark of intimacy that has been between us so very often, I cannot seem to do so! I want to know why he sought to hide that young lady from me when we first met in the bookshop. I want to understand with absolute certainty why he must choose Miss Marks. I have to know why he thinks I shall reject him in the end, why I will no longer consider him to be a gentleman. What is it that he has planned? Can it be something nefarious that I can hardly bring myself to even think of it?” Her throat was aching, tears beginning to prick the corners of her eyes. “But most of all, I...” She could not bring herself to say it, her agony growing steadily with every moment, her hands curling into fists as she fought to maintain composure.
Lady Smithton’s gaze was filled with concern. “What is it that you want, Sarah?”
“I want to be free of him!”
Sarah dropped her head into her hands, tears beginning to slip down her cheeks as the words she had spoken reverberated around the room. She had not meant to speak so loudly, but the words had shot from her mouth with such force that she had been unable to stop herself. That was all she wanted. That was all she desired. She wanted to be free of Lord Ruddington, to be free of feeling such affection for him, to have such longing tearing her apart. She did not want to keep questioning what he had meant by such and such a thing, nor keep worrying about why he had chosen to pursue Miss Marks. Rather, she wanted to forget everything about him in its entirety so that she might be free of the current torment that dogged her.
“My dear friend,” Lady Smithton murmured as Lord Havisham bowed to Lady Beatrice, who quickly took her leave. “I did not know you were in such a state. I am truly sorry for it, especially if I have been the one to encourage you when I ought not to have done such a thing.” Her lips twisted as Sarah lifted her head from her hands, embarrassed she had reacted so furiously. “He has confused you greatly, has he not? Although I will say I am very proud to hear of how you spoke to him after his conversation with Lord Britton. Such fervor and honesty will not go unnoticed by him.”
Sarah dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief. “I did not mean to round on him in such a way, nor had I any intention of speaking to him as I did. It just flowed from me, and once we had begun such an intimate conversation, it only grew and flourished all the more.”
Lady Smithton nodded, beckoning Lord Havisham to come near. Sarah, glad her eyes were dry, put her handkerchief away and gave the gentleman a watery smile as he bowed. After such an explosion of feeling, she felt a good deal calmer, as though this had been necessary for her to regain contr
ol of herself again.
“I do not want to intrude but—”
“You are inclined to help as always,” Lady Smithton interrupted, her hand reaching up to pat Lord Havisham’s arm as her eyes held his. “You know I have been worried for Miss Crosby and now she has returned with a long story about Lord Ruddington and his somewhat strange behavior. I will not tell you it all now, for there is much to discuss, but I think there are some things you might do to help us both.”
“Indeed,” Lord Havisham murmured, looking a trifle disconcerted given he had been asked to do a good many things to help ‘The Spinsters Guild,’ with not all of them being enjoyable. “And what is it I must do?”
Lady Smithton smiled warmly at him before returning her gaze to Sarah’s. “You are joining me for dinner this evening at Lord Britton’s residence, if you recall,” she said as Lord Havisham nodded. “Miss Crosby has informed me Lord Ruddington is to be there also. Do try to converse with him, Havisham, if you would. In fact, try to perhaps ply him with a little too much port or the like. Thereafter, suggest Whites and insist he attend.”
Lord Havisham blinked rapidly, looking down at Lady Smithton in surprise. “You wish me to ensure the man is in his cups?”
“I do, although not entirely so,” Lady Smithton replied with a slight gleam in her eye. “When he is somewhat inebriated, might you bring him here? I have some questions I believe he will be more willing to answer with a good deal of brandy running through his veins.” She tipped her head and looked at Sarah. “Would you wish to be present also?”
Sarah hesitated. She was not at all certain that what Lady Smithton was proposing was at all wise, but, then again, she could not think of another way to have the answers she now knew she needed. “I could slip out, I suppose,” she said slowly, only for Lady Smithton to shake her head.
“No, my dear, I will insist you come with me in the carriage to aid me in my return home—I shall come up with some excuse—and thereafter will write to Lady Britton stating you will need to reside with me until the morning. She will understand and willingly accept, have no doubt.” She smiled and reached forward, grasping Sarah’s cold hand and seeking to reassure her. “You appear uncertain, but this will, I hope, help answer some of the questions that have been dogging your mind and will, I am certain, give some clarity to what you ought to do next.”
