by Sewell Ford
CHAPTER IX
How about him, eh?--the two-spot of clubs in billiard cloth and buttonsat the door. There's no tellin' what the Studio'll have next--maybe asidewalk canopy and a carriage caller. Swifty Joe's gettin' ambitious.Me gettin' mixed up with that Newport push has gone to Swifty's headlike a four-line notice does to the pompadour of a second row chorusgirl. First off he says it's a shame I don't have a valet.
"Say," says I, "don't it keep me busy enough remindin' you that I'mstill able to wear my own clothes, without puttin' on an extra hand?"
But after this last stunt he broke out again; so we compromised onCongo. I thought Swifty'd had him made to order, uniform and all; but hesays he found him, just as he stands, doin' the stray act over onSixth-ave. He'd come up from New Orleans with a fortune-tellin' gentthat had got himself pinched for doing a little voudoo turn on the side,and as Congo didn't have much left but his appetite, I put him on thepay-roll at two per and found. And say, I'm stung, at that. To look athim you'd think a ham sandwich would run him over; but he's got acapacity like a shop-lifter's pocket. For three days I tried to feedhim up on the retail plan, and then I let out the contract to afree-lunch supply concern.
Sure, it gives the joint kind of a swell look, havin' him on the door,and if it didn't act the same on Swifty's head I wouldn't kick.
On the dead now, I don't care so much about loomin' up in the picture.There's them that it suits down to the ground, and that shows up well infront; and then again, there's a lot of people gets the spot light on'em continual who'd be better off in the shade. I'm a top-gallery boy,by rights, and that's where you'll find me most of the time; but now andthen I get dragged down into the wings with a note. Yes, yes, I'm justback after one of them excursions.
You see, after we'd shunted Sadie's Baron back on to the goulashcircuit, where he belonged, and Sadie and Pinckney had got over theirmerry fit and skipped off to wake up another crowd of timeassassinators, at Rockywold, or some such place as that, I says tomyself, "Shorty," says I, "you stick to the physical-culture game andwhittle out the by-plays."
That's just what I was doin', too, when an A. D. T. shows up with aprepaid josh from Pinckney, givin' me a special invite to run out andhelp 'em celebrate.
"Any come-back?" says the boy.
"No, sonny," says I; "you can cut the wire."
Say, Pinckney means all right, and he's done me some good turns; butthat don't put me in his class, does it? Nay, nay, says I. Here's onedinner party that I ducks. And with that I gets busy on one of myreg'lars who's bein' trained to go against two months of foreigncookin'. I hadn't more'n finished with him, though, when there comesanother yellow envelop. This one was from Sadie, and it was a hurrycall. She didn't say much; but I could see heel-prints of trouble allover it.
"Me for Rockywold," says I, chuckin' a collar in a suit-case andgrabbin' a time-table off the rack.
Yes, that was different. Maybe I'm a jay to cast myself for any suchpart; but since Sadie an' me had that little reunion, I've kind of feltthat sooner or later she might be let in for a mix-up where I'd come inhandy, and when it was pulled off I wanted to be within hail.
Course, I wasn't layin' out no hero act; like showin' up with a can ofgasolene just as the tank ran dry, or battin' the block off'm a villyunin a dress suit. I was just willin' to hang around on the edges and makemyself useful generally. Not that I'm followin' the she-male protectin'business regular. But with Sadie it's another thing. We used to play inthe same alley, you know; and she don't forget it, even if she has comeinto a bunch of green money as big as a haystack.
She was on hand when I dropped off the smoker, sittin' in the Rockywoldstation rig and lookin' for me with both eyes. And say, what adifference it makes to clothes who wears 'em!
"It's bully of you to come, Shorty," says she.
"Oh, I don't know," says I. "I guess good judges wouldn't call it amedal play. What's loose?"
"Buddy," says she.
For a minute I was lost, until she asks if I don't remember theyoungster. "Oh, sure!" says I. "That kid brother of yours, with theeighteen-karat ringlets and a girly kind of face? The Sisters used todress him up in a Fauntleroy suit for the parochial school fair, andmake him look like a picture on an Easter card. Nice, cute little chap,eh?"
"He was cute once--ten or twelve years ago," says Sadie. "He isn't ascute as he was. He doesn't wear ringlets now--he likes rings better. Andthat's why I had to send for you, Shorty. I couldn't tell anyone else.Oh, the little wretch! If it wasn't for mother I'd cure him of a lot ofthings."
Well, we had some family history on the way out, beginnin' with the wayBuddy'd been spoiled at home, takin' in a few of the scrapes Sadie hadhelped him out of, and endin' with his blowin' in at Rockywold withoutwaitin' for a bid from anyone. Seems he'd separated himself from thelast stake Sadie had handed out--nothin' new, same old fool games--andnow he wanted a refill, just as a loan, until he could play a tip he'dgot from a gent he'd met in a beanery.
"And I just wouldn't stand for that," says Sadie. "Those bookmakers arenothing but swindlers, anyway. I know, because I bet ten dollars on arace once, and didn't win."
Say, I had a lithograph of Buddy and his beanery tip goin' up against anargument like that. Of course it wa'n't more'n two minutes beforeSadie'd got her Sullivan up. She offered Buddy his choice between arailroad ticket home to mother, or nothing at all. Buddy wouldn'tarbitrate on those lines. He said he was a desperate man, and that she'dbe sorry before night. Sadie'd heard that before; so she just laughedand said the steam-car ticket offer would be held open until night.
She didn't see anything more of Buddy for a couple of hours, and thenshe caught him as he came up from the billiard-room. Bein' an expert onsuch symptoms, she knew why he talked like his mouth was full ofcotton, but she couldn't account for the wad of bills he shook at her.Buddy could. He'd run across a young Englishman down there who thoughthe could handle a cue. Buddy had bet hot air against real money, andtrimmed his man.
"That wasn't the worst of it, though," said Sadie. "After I had got himup to my rooms he pulled out the money again, to count it over, and outcame a three-inch marquise ring--an opal set with diamonds--that I knewthe minute I put my eyes on it. There were her initials on the inside,too. Oh, no one but Mrs. Purdy Pell."
"Tut, tut!" says I. "You can easy square it with her."
"But that's just what I can't do," says Sadie. "She loves me about asmuch as a tramp likes work. She tells folks that I make fools of herboys. Her boys, mind you! She claims every stray man under twenty-five,and when I came here she had three of them on the string. Goodnessknows, I didn't want them! They're only imitation men, anyway. And itwas her ring that Buddy had in his pocket."
"Maybe he hadn't lifted it," says I.
Sadie swallowed a bit hard at that; but she raps out the straight goods."Yes, he did," says she. "He must have sneaked it out of her room as hewent down stairs. Think of it! Stealing! He's done a lot of foolishthings before; but I didn't think he would turn out a crook. The Lordknows where he gets that kind of blood from--not from the Sullivans, orthe Scannells, either. But I can't have him put away. There's mother.And he won't mind a thing I say. Now what shall I do, Shorty?"
"Where's Buddy now?" says I.
"Locked in my clothes-closet, with his hands tied and a gag in hismouth," says she. "Oh, I can handle him that way, big as he is; and Iwasn't going to take any more chances. But it's likely that Mrs. Pellhas missed her ring by this time and is raising a howl about it. What'sto be done?"
Say, there was a proposition for you! And me just a plain, every-daymitt juggler that don't take thinkin' exercises reg'lar. "Guess you'vepushed the wrong button this time, Sadie," says I. "But I'll stay inyour corner till the lights go out. Is anyone else on?"
"Not a soul," says Sadie.
"That's some help," says I. "First we'll have a little talk with Buddy."
I couldn't see what good that would do, but it was up to me to make somekind of a move.
When they'd landed us under the porte cochere--yes, you'd call itstoppin' at the horse-block--I sails in like I'd come alone, and huntsup Pinckney.
"What's all this about me bein' needed up here?" says I. "Goin' to makeme Queen of the May?"
"By Jove, Shorty!" says he, "that's a clever idea. We'll do it."
"Yes, you will--not," says I. "You'll cut it out. I ain't no wine agent,and I left me rag doll to home; so if there's any funny stunts expected,you tell 'em I've put on a sub. Oh, sure, I'll stay to dinner, but asfor leadin' any cotillions, change the card."
He gave his word they wouldn't spring anything like that on me, and thenhe called up a waiter in knee pants, and had him show me up to myquarters so I could get me gas-light clothes on before they unlocked thedinin'-room doors. After I'd made a quick shift I slid over into thenext wing, followin' directions, and found Sadie.
"Mrs. Pell's on the war-path already," says she. "She's having it outwith her maid now. Come in."
She'd dug Buddy out of the wardrobe and had him propped up in a corner.
"Better unstopper him and take off the bandages," says I.
And say, he had a lot of language corked up inside of him. It wasn'tvery sisterly, either, and most of it would have sounded better at arace-track; but I shut the transom and motioned to Sadie to let himspiel away, never chippin' in a word, only standing one side and lookin'him over.
So far as the outside went he was a credit to the family--one of theseslim clean-cut youngsters, with a lot of curly red hair, pinky-whitecheeks, and a pair of blue eyes that had nine kinds of deviltry in 'em.I could figure out how mother might be able not to see anything but goodin Buddy. Hanged if I could get very sore on him myself, and knowin' howhe'd been cuttin' up, at that.
"Well," says I, when he'd got out of breath some, "feel any better, doyou?"
"Huh!" says he, givin' me a squint sideways. "Some cheap skate of aprivate detective, eh! You can't throw a scare into me that way, sis.Chase him out."
"Buddy," says I, "give up the rings."
"How'd you know there was more than one?" says he.
"Give up," says I, holdin' out me hand.
He did it, like a little man. There was two besides the marquise; one anemerald as big as a lima bean, and the other a solitaire spark thatcould have been shoved up for three or four hundred. You see, a womanlike Mrs. Purdy Pell generally has a collection of those things lyin'around on her dressin'-table, and; knew if Buddy'd got any, he'd made ahaul.
"I'm ashamed of you, Buddy," says I.
"You needn't be," says he. "I guess you'd do the same if you had asister that wanted to see you starve in the streets. Oh, you needn'tscrew up your eyebrows, Sadie. It's so. And if you don't cough up athousand and let me go, I'll swipe anything in sight. I can stand beingpinched if you can afford to have me."
Sadie threw up her hands at that, and began walkin' up and down theroom. "Do you hear that?" says she. "That's the kind of a brother I'vegot."
"It's something awful," says I. "Just hearin' him talk makes me feelshivery. It beats the band how wicked some of these cigarette desperadosdo get. Don't, Buddy, or I'll faint. I wouldn't dare stay in the room ifyour sister wa'n't handy to tie you up again in case you started to cutloose."
"I've got a good notion to push in your face," says he.
"Don't pay any attention to him, Shorty," says Sadie.
"I won't," says I; "but I'm scared stiff."
Just about then, though, Buddy seemed to have got a bulletin over aspecial wire. He was gazin' at me with his mouth open and a puckerbetween his eyes. "What Shorty?" says he. "Say, you ain't Shorty McCabe,are you?"
"Not to you," says I. "I got to draw the line somewhere, and with badmen I stands on my dignity. I'm Professor McCabe, sonny."
"Holy cats!" says he. "Honest, professor, I didn't mean a word of it. Itake it all back. Why say, I saw you put out the Kangaroo in tworounds."
"Then you've had a liberal education," says I.
"Gee!" says he, lettin' off some more surprise, and bracin' himself backin the chair like he was afraid of falling off.
Well say, I've been rode to my dressin'-room on shoulders, and welcomedhome from fights by mobs with brass bands; but for a gen-u-ine ovation Iguess Buddy's little stunt came as near bein' the real thing as any.Dewey comin' back from the Philippines, or Mr. Get-There Hadley landin'in St. Louis with the Standard Oil scalps, wa'n't in it with me bein'discovered by Buddy Sullivan. I couldn't get the key to it then, butI've mapped it out now. Most of his enthusiasm was owin' to the factthat ever since he was fifteen Buddy'd based his claim to bein' a realsport on my havin' come from the same block as he did.
Anyway, it was a lightnin' change. From being a holy terror, Buddycalmed down to as peaceful a young gent as you'd want to meet. If I'djust shake hands with him once and call it square, he'd follow anyprogram I'd a mind to plan out.
"Only don't let her send me home to maw," says he. "Say, they get up atsix in the morning there, and if I don't crawl down by seven maw lugs uptoast and eggs, and talks to me like I was a kid."
"Well, where'd you like to be shipped?" says I.
"Aw, come now, professor," says he. "You don't have to be told that.There ain't but one place where a fellow like me can really live. Youget sis to put me back on Broadway with a few hundred in my clothes, andI'll kiss the Book that she won't hear from me for a year."
"But how about this jewelry-collectin' fad of yours?" says I.
"Ah, I wasn't going to carry it off," says he. "I let her see I had it,on purpose. I'll be good."
Well, Sadie was willin' to let it go at that, and we was just gettin'this part of the mix-up straightened out lovely, when there came a rapat the door.
"Quick," says Sadie. "They mustn't see Buddy or you either, Shorty!"
So Buddy was pushed into the closet again, and I dodges behind a talldressin'-mirror in the corner. It was a red-eyed girl with lumps in herthroat. She said she was Mrs. Purdy Pell's maid.
"Mrs. Pell's missed some rings," says she, "and we've been havin' wordsover it. I told her there was a suspicious-looking young man in thehouse that I'd seen comin' out of your rooms awhile ago, and I didn'tknow but what you'd missed some things, too, ma'am."
"Ask Mrs. Pell to step over here for a minute," says Sadie.
"What's doing?" says I, after the maid had left.
"I don't know," says Sadie. "I've got to give that jewelry back to thesilly thing first; then we'll see."
So I handed the trinkets over, and it wasn't long before Mrs. Pell showsup. And say, the minute them two came together the mercury dropped aboutthirty degrees. Bein' behind the glass, I couldn't see; but I couldhear, and that was enough.
"Here are your lost rings," says Sadie.
That's her, every tick of the watch. If she was tackled by agyasticutus, she'd grab it by the horns.
"Oh!" says Mrs. Pell, gatherin' 'em in; "And how does it happen that youhave them?"
"I'll tell you to-morrow," says Sadie.
"I'd rather not wait that long," says Mrs. Pell. "I prefer to know now."
"You ought to be satisfied to get them back," says Sadie.
"Perhaps," says Mrs. Pell; "but I'm just a little curious to know howthey got away. My maid thinks the person who took them is still in thehouse."
"If I listened to all the things my maid says--" begins Sadie.
"There are maids and maids," says Mrs. Pell. "I can trust mine. She sawthe man. More than that, Mrs. Dipworthy, she thinks he is hidden in yourrooms."
"She must have seen my brother," says Sadie, "or Professor McCabe."
"It's quite possible," says Mrs. Pell; "but I shall insist on having theofficers sent for."
"Why," says Sadie, "I might have taken them myself, just as a joke."
"Indeed!" says Mrs. Pell in a polite assault-and-battery tone. "Thenperhaps you will confess as much to the other guests? Will you?"
And that was a facer for Sadie. She'd been keeping a stiff lip up tothis, but she came to
the scratch wabbly in her voice. "You wouldn'twant me to do that, would you?" says she.
"In justice to my maid, I must," says Mrs. Pell.
"Well," says Sadie, "if you're mean enough for that, I suppose I--"
But, say, I couldn't stay under cover any longer, with her bein' pusheddown the chute in that style. I was wise to her game all right. Shemeant to stand up and take all that was coming, even if it put her downand out, just to keep the hooks off that kid brother of hers. And meloafin' back of the ropes with me hands in me pockets! I'd been awelcher, wouldn't I?
"Did I hear my cue?" says I, steppin' out into the lime-light.
It was a tableau, for fair. Me and Mrs. Purdy Pell didn't do anythingbut swap looks for a minute or so. I can't say just how pleased she was,but I've had better views. She wasn't any dainty, lily-of-the-valleysort. She was a good deal of a cabbage rose, I should say, and carriedmore or less weight for age. She had an arm on her like a fore-quarterof beef. I don't wonder that Purdy Pell skipped to Europe and didn't putin any answer when the proceedin's came up.
"Are you the one?" says she.
"No, he isn't," says Sadie, speakin' up brisk.
"That's right," says I; "but it was me brought your finger sparks backto light, ma'am."
"And where did you find them?" says Mrs. Pell, turnin' the third-degreestare on me.
"That's a professional secret," says I, "which I can't give up justyet."
"Oh, you can't!" says she. "This is interesting."
And with that she begins to size us up, one after the other. Oh, she hadus tied to the post, with nothin' to do but chuck the knives at us. Fora gallery play, it was the punkiest I ever put up. Here I'd comesplashin' in with both feet, like an amateur life-saver goin' to therescue, and I hadn't done anything but raise the tide.
Sadie didn't have a word to say. She was just bitin' her lip, andgettin' white about the mouth from the mad in her. And say, maybe HerStoutness didn't enjoy watchin' us squirm. She was gettin' even forevery look one of her Willie boys had ever wasted on Sadie.
"We'll see if you two can be induced to confide your precious secret tothe police," says she. "I mean to find out who stole my rings."
She hadn't more than sent in that shot before the closet door opens, andBuddy comes out, blinkin' like a bat.
"It's all over, ain't it?" says he.
"It is now," says I, and looks to see Mrs. Purdy Pell begin to holler:"Stop thief!"
But it was a case of being off the alley again. Say, I'm glad I wasn'tbackin' my guesses with good money that night, or I'd come home with mypockets wrong side out. Ever see a hundred-and-eighty-pound fairy with adouble chin turn kittenish? That was her.
"Why, Mr. Sullivan!" she gurgles, throwin' him a Julia Marlowe goo-googlance.
"Hello, Dimples!" says Buddy. "Oh, they were your rings, were they? Thenit's all right. I just borrowed 'em to scare sister into a cat fit andmake her open up--just for a josh, you know."
"Why, why!" says Mrs. Pell, lookin' twisted, "is Mrs. Dipworthy yoursister?"
"Sure," says Buddy. "But say, Dimples, you're the very girl I waswanting to see most. I've got another sure thing, good as a titleguarantee, for the Croton stakes, and if you'll back it for me we'llmake a killing. How about it, eh?"
"Oh, you reckless boy," says Mrs. Pell, tapping him on the cheek. "Butyou did give me such a lovely tip at the Aqueduct, and--and we'll see.Come, I want to talk to you," and she put out a wing for him to take.
As they drifted down towards the terrace Buddy turns and gives us thesassy wink over his shoulder.
"Looks like we'd lost our job, Sadie," says I.
"The silly old moss-agate!" says Sadie.
Then I goes down and reports to Pinckney, and puts in the rest of theevenin' bein' introduced as the gent that set the Baron Patchouli up inthe shoe-string business. I felt like I'd opened up a jack-pot on afour-flush, but Pinckney and the rest seemed to be having a good time,so I stuck it out. In the morning Buddy goes along back to town with me.
"Say, professor," says he, pattin' a roll of twenties in his trouserspocket, "I wouldn't pass this along to anyone else, but if you want toconnect with a hatful of easy coin, just plunge on Candy Boy."
"That's your beanery tip, is it?" says I. "Much obliged, Buddy, but Iguess after the bookies get all you and Mrs. Pell are goin' to throw at'em they won't need mine."
* * * * *
See? It was up to me to push home a great moral lesson, and I done mybest. But what's the use? Next mornin' I takes up the paper and readshow Candy Boy wins, heads apart.
