by Grace Martin
He was sprawled out on the bed, his hands behind his head, his ankles crossed. He jumped to his feet when I entered and hurried over to me. His hands curved around my upper arms. ‘Are you all right, Emer? What did they say to you?’
I gave a broken cry and leaned forward until my cheek rested against his chest. My arms stole around his trim waist. ‘Andras, I’m just glad to be here, again.’
He whispered my name and I felt the pressure of his cheek resting against my hair. Then he was pulling away slightly, just enough so he could tilt my face up for a kiss.
I let myself fall into it. Fall? No, that implies I just let it happen. I dove into it and he met me with all the passion in his heart. We stumbled to the bed. Landed upon it in a tangle of limbs. And lost ourselves to everything but each other.
Afterwards, I still clung to him. I’d been too overtaken by my body to think, but now that my flesh was cooling where it wasn’t covered by his, there was time to think again. I didn’t want to think. I wanted everything to just go away.
Even now, the first sliver of moonlight was shining through the shielded window.
Andras shifted his weight, but kept me in the circle of his arms.
‘I wish time would stop.’ He murmured the words into my skin.
It struck me, hard, that all we were doing together was hiding from the world. We were seeking solace in each other’s arms. It wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t right for me. I wanted more. I wanted love. Andras loved me, but I didn’t love him, not enough. Even though I was still stinging from the revelation that Caradoc had used me to get the Seeds of Truth to Darragh, I wished I was in his arms, not Andras’s.
I stroked his shoulder. ‘Time won’t stop, Andras. Even I can’t do that. We should be happy for what we’ve got.’
‘Happy.’ I couldn’t see his face and wasn’t sure exactly what mood the word roused in him. He stroked the back of his fingers down my arm. ‘Let us imagine time passes, Emer. What would a happy future look like for you?’
I was hit by a burst of yearning for Caradoc. We hadn’t had much happy time together, but I’d been happy with him, even when we weren’t in happy circumstances. The first time I’d thought about a future with him was when I was still in the featherskin. I was a thing, not even a person, and he was the hero of the rebellion, betrothed to the princess. I didn’t even have the right to expect him to speak to me.
We’d been working in the stables, he looking after his horse, I mucking out the stalls. My feathers had been filthy and stinking. He’d thrown a bucket of water over me to wash them and I’d complained about how heavy the wet feathers were. He’d come close to me, even took my hand, and said — I could remember it now — ‘I wish we could both go and lie on the ground in the sun until your poor feathers dry out.’ And I’d been so overcome by hope and desire and unfamiliar feelings I hadn’t known what to say. I would have given anything to be back in that moment. I would have thrown my wet, feathered arms around his neck and planted a kiss on him he wouldn’t have soon forgotten.
In a happy future, Caradoc would be by my side. It was impossible. He was dead. But that’s what happy looked like for me. And children, too. We would have children. I smiled into Andras’s skin. In my dreams, Caradoc and I would have children. David would be our eldest, looking to Caradoc as the father who could give him the love a little boy deserved. I loved him so much, wanted him with me so much.
And other children. When Aoife was torturing me in Eramar, only a few days ago, but twenty years into the future, I’d fallen among the crowd. A little boy, barely David’s age, had taken my hand and tried to kiss it better. In my dreams, Caradoc and I would have a family together.
A happy future? None of that was possible. It made me angry that everything I wanted was out of reach. Everything I’d ever wanted was out of reach. I’d always wanted to be safe with my Sparrow, and here we were in more danger than ever. I’d longed for parents who loved me and now my own family believed the lies of an imposter over any truth I told them. I’d wanted a chance to be a mother to my son, and I had no idea where or when he was. I’d longed for love with Caradoc, and he was forever out of my reach.
I wanted to scream. ‘Happy?’ I asked, echoing him and wondering if he heard ambivalence in my voice as I’d heard it in his. ‘Enjoy this moment, Andras. There is no guarantee of happiness outside of it. A physical release. A forgetting. Blocking out all the darkness around us that we’re going to have to face sooner or later. Passion blocks everything out while the heart pounds. Reality intrudes as the skin cools.’
Andras pulled away. ‘That’s awful, Emer. You don’t really think that?’
‘I suppose I should count myself lucky that you’re so good in bed.’ So much bitterness in my voice. ‘It must have taken you a lot of practice to get so good at it.’
His head went back. ‘How dare you?’
‘Bold words for a naked man.’
‘I still have pride, naked or not. And so should you.’ For all his words about pride remaining when he was naked, he still twisted away from me and swung his legs out of bed. He picked up his clothes from the floor and covered himself. ‘We might share a bed, Emer, but that’s still a rude thing to say. What I share with you has nothing to do with practice.’
‘Easy for you,’ I snapped. I sat up and pulled the sheet to cover myself. I didn’t want to reveal myself to him right now. ‘You’ve had lots of partners. I might not have such a range of experience in all the ways to give and receive pleasure, but even I know an expert when I screw one.’
He jerked back so suddenly it was like I’d shoved him. He found his feet again, but it took him a moment. I turned away and leaned over the bed to reach for my clothes, too. I noted where the moonlight lay on the floor and took care not to let it touch my skin. I didn’t want Andras to see me transform.
He didn’t say anything while I dressed. When I finally turned to face him again, he was sitting at the little table by the window. ‘Is it the thought of the future that put such a burr under your skin?’
‘Go to hell.’
‘I won’t let this go. I care about you. And you’re hurting so badly right now that you’ll lash out at me just to make the hurting stop.’
I gritted my teeth. The bastard had gained control of his temper and I still badly wanted a fight. A fight, or to be pushed roughly up against a wall and taken over by that passion he’d practiced so well. I didn’t want him to care about me. Any argument I had against a happy future was all on my side, not on his. How could he possibly be happy with me when all my dreams revolved around someone else? How could I steal that chance of happiness from him?
I turned my face from him. I wanted to go to the window, to let the feathers sprout and fly away, never to be seen again.
But Andras wanted to work this out. For some reason, he was willing to work at our relationship. ‘You have no right to ask, Emer, but I’ll tell you freely. I’ve only ever had one other partner, and that was my wife. That’s the truth. We were married for five years and we parted only when she died.’
I was glad I wasn’t looking at him. I would have sobbed. Would have sobbed. Who was I kidding? The tears threatened even now.
‘We had a child together. A son. One day you might meet him. He and your son might grow up as brothers.’
And that was the end of me. I couldn’t help the sobs that rose in my throat.
‘I can’t see a happy future, Andras. I don’t think it’s possible anymore.’
I wasn’t quite sure when he rose from the chair, but in moments he was behind me, curving his hands around my shoulders, his chin nestling into my neck. ‘I can’t see the future right now, Emer. All I know is that I’m happy here with you right now.’
And I thought I’d been crying before.
He fell asleep in my arms, both of us still fully clothed, tears from both of us staining his cheeks and probably mine.
I luxuriated in the moment. I stretched it out to another moment. And anoth
er. I didn’t want to let him go. He felt like he was mine. And that mattered. So much.
But other people were relying on me. I couldn’t let them down, not even for the sake of prolonging this moment.
So, I eased out from the circle of his arms. He murmured and reached for me, but settled back into a deep sleep before his fingertips grazed flesh. The spot where he’d nearly touched ached for a caress, but I had work to do. I slipped out of bed, and into the pool of moonlight.
The feathers prickled as they sprouted on my skin as the silver light touched me. I let the shape take me and spread my arms, welcoming the wings.
Oisin was waiting for me. I could barely see him, even with my excellent night vision, circling high, high above the palace. I rose above the turrets and towers. Most of the windows were dark, but there was one tower with a flat top where a small light burned. Two figures stood atop the tower, a man and a woman. Both dressed in black, the man watched while the woman went through a routine, practicing wielding the sword in her hand. Aine.
So, that was how she was learning to defend herself.
I didn’t stop. In my current form she couldn’t possibly realise it was me. I flew on, to join Oisin, and on to the Draceni camp.
Chapter Fifteen
Oisin allowed me to join Sparrow and Rhiannon on my own, while he went on to meet his own people. I landed on the roof of the caravan again. I wondered if I’d hear the rest of Rhiannon’s story. I might hear anything, while they were unaware of me.
I didn’t hear anything. The caravan was silent beneath me. I hopped down onto the stairs and begged for admittance. Rhiannon opened the door. Sparrow was behind her, seated on a bench. Her eyes were red.
The first thing I said when I was human again was, ‘What happened, why were you crying?’
Sparrow met my gaze fearlessly. She didn’t even try to wipe away the tears. ‘None of your business, Emer.’
A lot of things weren’t my business tonight, weren’t they?
I bit my lip and didn’t press it any further. Maybe I was growing up, after all, even though I had just tried to take advantage of my shape to eavesdrop on a private conversation. I gave them an update. It took a while. It had been a big day. A lot had happened.
Afterwards, we went out among the Draceni. They were singing and dancing again. Rhiannon turned to Sparrow and said, ‘Would you like to dance?’
Sparrow hesitated.
‘Oh, go on,’ I urged. I seated myself on a log and watched the dancers, taking all my attention from the other two. Sparrow and Rhiannon joined the dance. I hadn’t realised before today quite what an able dancer my sister was. She and Rhiannon danced together like they’d known the dance all their lives and only needed the music to remind them of the steps.
Bridget and Eliann wandered over to me. Eliann was one of very few not wearing a circlet with a birthstone on her brow. She was also not wearing the uniform of the Librarians. Her white hair looked golden in the firelight.
I gestured to her flowing blue gown. ‘I bet it’s nice to get out of that awful uniform, hey?’
Eliann… struggled to stay polite. ‘I worked hard to wear that uniform, Emer. I was proud to wear it.’
I stared at her. ‘The Librarians were monsters, Eliann. You’re a decent person. How could you possibly be proud of wearing the same uniform as them?’
She sat down beside me, Bridget on her other side. ‘That was only one of the Librarians, though. It wasn’t all of them.’
I scoffed. ‘Only one? I could name a dozen who needed to be removed from the world for the good of the group.’
‘But there were only two who were preying on the people of Cairnagorn.’
‘Preying?’
Eliann frowned. ‘Why do I feel like we’re talking about two different things?’
I turned to look back at the fire. ‘I suppose it’s highly unlikely we’re talking about the same thing. What were you saying about Librarians preying on the people of Cairnagorn?’
‘It was thought to be an illness. A sickness, particular to the people living in Cairnagorn. They grow tired, unwell, pale. But it wasn’t a sickness. One of the Master Librarians looked like a young man, but he was much older. He went around Cairnagorn under cover of darkness and stole life from people living nearby.’ She put her hand on mine. ‘I was one of his victims, even as I was training as an apprentice to join the Library. It’s how Bridget and I met, in fact. She saved me from him.’
‘Him. Kiaran, I suppose?’
‘Oh, you knew him? Well, I suppose you must have known the Librarians, if you have such animosity towards them.’
I laughed, bitterly. ‘To know them is to hate them!’
‘Do you hate me, Emer?’
My head went back. ‘Of course not!’ It was impossible to hate Eliann. She was kind, perhaps even more genuinely kind than Sparrow.
‘I was a Librarian. I worked towards it since I was seven years old. I had friends in the Library. I was happy there.’
‘That was why you were a prisoner, I suppose? Because you had so many friends?’ I was not kind, neither superficially nor genuinely.
Eliann met my bitter gaze. She wasn’t afraid of me. ‘Six months ago, dragons came to Cairnagorn. They destroyed the city. They collapsed half the mountain, so that much of the Library was destroyed. We all fled. I don’t even know which of my friends are alive anymore. We hid among the villages, slowly heading west to Camaria, where Bridget’s people lived. Master Kiaran and the White Queen found us. I was kept a prisoner to ensure Bridget’s compliance. I was a prisoner because the Master and the White Queen were evil, not because of my friends.’
I gritted my teeth. I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. So, instead of speaking, I listened to the words of the song. It was bright and merry, but the topic was sad. They sang about the last days when the Camiri and the Draceni were brothers, and they sang about the first days when the Draceni were cast out from their fellowship. They recalled the saddest days of their history, as they sang, and danced.
I sensed Oisin beside me before I saw him. ‘Your sister has a gift,’ he said, blessedly taking my attention from Eliann. After one last gentle pat of my hand, Eliann and Bridget rose, and joined the dancers.
‘She always loved music,’ I replied.
‘She dances well. She might be one of us.’
‘I suppose she likes dancing, too.’
Oisin let the silence stretch until I’d caught the chorus of the song. ‘She looks like one of us,’ he said.
‘Let’s be honest, Oisin. She looks like Umbra’s heir. No different from any other heir of that name, the same as me.’
‘Umbra was one of us, Bach Chwaer.’
‘What?’ I’d heard Umbra claimed by Meistri and Camiri alike. I shouldn’t be surprised that she was also claimed by the Draceni, but I was.
‘She never revealed her heritage. In a strange way, by belonging to none, she belonged to us all. I have seen you imitate her in that, Bach Chwaer. Wherever you go, you find a family.’
‘You’ve known me for what, two minutes?’
‘Yes, and in those two minutes you’ve founded a family with a new name among the Rhydda and drawn to yourself all those who needed you. You’ve defended your family. You’ve kept them safe. And then, in the palace in Ce’Branna, I watched you with another kind of family.’
‘With Aine and her father, you mean?’
I was shocked when he said, ‘No,’ and sat down beside me.
‘No?’
‘No.’ He paused to turn and grin at me, his face lit bright by the fire. ‘In Ce’Branna I saw you take as your family every person in the Thousand Counties. You are willing to stand up for them. You are willing to defend them, even at the cost of your own comfort and people for whom you care very much.’
‘I’m doing this for the people I care for.’
‘I know. But I know that you’d risk everything even if it was for a stranger. I may have only known you
for two minutes, but I can see that clearly enough. I knew Umbra well. She was exactly the same. I knew from the moment I met her that she was going to change the world. From the moment I saw you, I knew you would be the one to lead us into a new day.’
‘What?!’ I turned on the log to face him. ‘You turned me away. You refused my help.’
‘I needed to be sure.’ He waved his hand towards the dancers. ‘My people’s lives were at stake. I needed to know how far you were willing to go to stop the White Queen. If you were not fully committed, you would never succeed.’
‘And a simple thing like learning that your beloved was captured was enough to convince you of that?’
‘You made the effort to find out.’ We watched the dancers some more, while I sat dumbstruck. ‘Then, too, when I learned that you were also Draceni, I could not refuse.’
‘But I’m not Draceni.’
‘You turned into a dragon, didn’t you? In centuries gone past, that was all it took to be known as a Draceni. Our people were hunted because of it. So, you have another family today.’
I shifted uncomfortably. ‘It doesn’t seem right to claim something I don’t think I’m entitled to.’
‘You don’t have to claim it. Simply know that we have offered. You are our little sister now, Bach Chwaer.’
‘Is that why you call me by my title all the time?’
Oisin nodded. The music ended. Rhiannon and Sparrow drifted apart and headed towards us. I caught a glimpse of Oisin’s grin.
‘That, and I know it made the Queen itch.’
I laughed.
Sparrow frowned when she reached us. Oisin stood up and extended his hand to me. The firelight glinted on the topaz on his circlet. ‘Dance with me, Bach Chwaer!’
I let him lead me among the dancers while Rhiannon and Sparrow sat on the log we’d recently vacated. Oisin was a great dancer too. I… was not. Still, he kept me going through it until I’d caught the steps. Then the music took me. It flowed right through me, becoming one with the dance and the firelight and the handsome man holding my hands, the only thing keeping me anchored to the earth.
