by Anne Warner
V
THE MINISTER'S VACATION
Mrs. Lathrop had been unable to attend the usual Friday afternoonSewing Society on account of her pickling. She had completelyforgotten what day of the week it was until she had picked all of adozen cucumbers and it was then too late to stay the tide of events.The pickling had to go forward, and one of the best listeners in theSewing Society was forced to remain away in consequence.
"I guess you'll have to go a--" she called across the open spacebetween their kitchen doors when she saw Susan putting on her blackmitts in the window about two o'clock,--the hour at which they usuallysallied forth in company.
"Alone," Susan called back--"well, I should say 't I am goin' alone.'F you c'u'd see yourself this minute, Mrs. Lathrop; you'd easyunderstand 't even 'f you wanted to go no one in their senses 'd beable to go with you f'r fear o' bein' took for a lunatic."
Mrs. Lathrop glanced dubiously down over herself.
"I spilt--" she began apologetically.
"I c'n see it from here," said Susan, "'n' 's long 's we're on thesubjeck I want to remark right now 't, with the wind settin' the wayit 's blowin' to-day, I don't want you to burn nothin' while I'm gone.'F you'll excuse my bein' so open with you, Mrs. Lathrop, I'll say 'ta woman in your circumstances ought not to waste nothin' by burnin' itanyhow, 'n' 'f she does do anythin' so foolish no woman in mycircumstances 'd ought to have her house all smelled up."
"I ain't goin'--" began the neighbor.
"That reminds me 't I am," rejoined she of the black mitts; and sosaying, she quitted the window and was presently seen departing downher front walk,--a pleasing object in a bonnet of the jetted era and ashawl of no date whatever.
Mrs. Lathrop divided her afternoon between active service over thevinegar kettle and long rests of delicious unconsciousness in thekitchen rocker. Her temperament was not one which wore itself out invain regrets over what might have been, and then too she knew thatSusan was at the meeting and from Susan she would learn all that mightthere transpire. About half-past five she began to glance out of thewindow which looked furthest down the street, and some ten minuteslater her watching was rewarded by the sight of Miss Clegg and anotherlady approaching slowly. An animated conversation appeared to be inprogress between the two, and at the gate of Mrs. Lathrop's dearestfriend they made a long halt while the latter appeared to be layingdown some form of law with uncommon vigor and pointing its points offwith her knitting, which she waved about in a manner unwontedlyreckless.
Mrs. Lathrop--having not only spilt more during the afternoon, butalso been twice the victim of what is technically known as "boilingover"--felt quite unable to make a third at the gate party, and so wasforced to masticate her impatience and hover in the window until Susanturned at last and came up her walk.
"Can you come--" then called the eager waiter.
"Not till after I get my supper," the other replied.
Mrs. Lathrop sighed, and forced herself to further patience. It wasall of seven when Miss Clegg finally came over.
"I'll sit on the steps," she announced. "Bein' 's we're such friends,Mrs. Lathrop, I may 's well say right here 'n' now 't I would n't sitdown in your kitchen this night for no money. I'd carry the spots tillI died most likely 'n' have no one but myself to blame f'r it. You maynot thank me f'r sayin' it to your face, but it isn't in me to deceiveso much 's a water-bug, 'n' 'f I live to be a hunderd I c'd neverforget seein' you make a chocolate cake once. I c'd make a chocolatecake 'n' a king might eat off o' my cuffs 'n' collar when I wasthrough, but what surprised me about your chocolate cake, Mrs.Lathrop, was 't you did n't get into the oven with it in the end, forI'll take my Bible oath 's you had 's much on you 's on any pan."
"We c'n sit on the--" said Mrs. Lathrop pleasantly.
"I 'm sittin' there already," said the caller, "'n' whenever you getready to listen I 'll tell you about this afternoon, for it was themost interestin' meetin' 't we've had since Mrs. Jewett's leg come offto her chair 'n' she run the crochet-hook so far in--yourecollec'?--'n' the doctors didn't know which way to pull it out.Young Dr. Brown was for pushin' it on through 'cause the hook wouldcatch 'f he drawed it out on the crochet principle, 'n' old Dr. Cartersaid it wouldn't do to put it through 'cause it was a fancy Chinesething 't old Captain Jewett's father brought from China 'n' there wasa man's head on the other end with his mustache makin' twocrochet-hooks, one each side."
"What did--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Don't you remember?--Mrs. Jewett come to 'n' told 'em 't the middlewas for needles 'n' 't all they had to do was to unscrew it 'n' takeit out opposite ways, 'n' then she fainted, 'n' then they did, 'n' noone thought of there bein' needles in it, 'n' they fell out 'n' shehad shootin' pains from havin' 'em in her for ever so long. Mrs. Macywas sayin' only the other day 't to her order o' thinkin' Mrs. Jewettdied o' the darnin'-needles. She says she was forever grabbin' herselfsomewhere with a sudden yell, 'n' no matter what the doctors said itwas jus' them needles, 'n' no sensible person 's saw her actions coulddoubt it. Mrs. Macy says it was a awful lesson to her against keepin'loose needles in screw things,--she says 't her son sent her a eggfrom the World's Fair with every kind of needle in it, but she wasn'ttakin' no chances, 'n' she took them needles right out 'n' put buttonsin instead."
"I remember she died," said Mrs. Lathrop thoughtfully, "but I--"
"It don't matter," said Susan. "My, but it's hot! It's been awful hotthis week, 'n' this afternoon it was all but bilin' down there in thatlittle parlor o' Mrs. Craig's. I was f'r sittin' on the porch, butGran'ma Mullins rocked off a porch once 'n' she was f'r sittin' whereshe couldn't rock off nothin'. I said she could sit on the grass, butshe was fussy about that too--said a poison-spider bit her foot once'n' she had it come on reg'lar every year f'r seven years after. Icome nigh to feelin' put out, but Mrs. Sperrit spoke up just then 'n'asked 'f we'd any of us noticed how terrible worn the minister's wifewas lookin' 'n' didn't we think 't he'd ought to have a vacation? Itwas that 't made the meetin' so interesting f'r in all the years 'twe've had the minister no one ever thought o' givin' him a vacationafore, 'n' when you think how long we've had him 'n' how steady we'vegone to church as a consequence, I must say 't I think 't it's more 'nsurprisin' 't we didn't give him a vacation long ago. I must say,though, 't my first idea was 't it was a curious thing to give theminister a vacation so as to rest his wife, although I d'n' know 's wecould do any thin' kinder for her 'n to get rid of him f'r a spell.Then too, to my order o' thinkin', our minister ain't really ever inneed o' no rest, and 'f he needs a change my say would be 'Set him towork.' I said all that to 'em all down there, 'n' Mrs. Sperrit went onthen 'n' said 't her idea was f'r 'em both to go, so 's we could allsort o' take a breathin' space together. I agreed with her about thebreathin,' f'r I don't believe no other minister 'n ours ever hadthirteen children born in the same house, 'n' I'm free to remark 't ifa new minister did n't always sit so solid for new wall-paper 'n' thecistern cleaned out, I'm pretty sure 't the last half-dozen childern'n' his second wife would certainly have found themselves bein' bornelsewhere. 'N', such bein' the case, I don't blame no man f'r wantin'a little free time, 'n' so I joined in, 'n' Mrs. Allen moved 't we allunbutton our collars 'n' discuss the matter, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins tookoff her cap 'n' we begun right then 'n' there. Mrs. Brown said 't ifthey was a-goin' now was a very good time 'cause the baby was a yearold, 'n' I said 't I c'd agree with her there 'cause if we waited tillnext summer the baby might be only a month old or maybe only a weekold--f'r I must say 't so far 's my observation 's extended therenever is no countin' on how old a minister's baby 's goin' be 't anygiven time. Gran'ma Mullins interrupted me 'n' said 't if we'd excuseher she'd go below her collar 'n' unbutton her top button 'cause hercousin bought it ready-made 'n' all she could tell the clerk was 'tshe was seventy-three years old 'n' so perhaps it was only natural 'tit should bind a little in the neck. 'N' so she did, 'n' then shemoved her head around till she was sure she was all free 'n' then shesaid, ''N' now as to them childern?' It was kind
of a shock, for noone had thought about the childern 'n' Mrs. Craig said prettyfeeble-like 't it wouldn't be no rest to send the minister's wife offwith thirteen childern, 'n' I spoke up pretty sharp 'n' asked whatkind of a rest the town 'd get if them thirteen childern was leftbehind. I c'd see 't I'd hit the nail on the head _then_, jus' by theway 't they all waited to get a drink afore going any further."
Miss Clegg stopped and drew a deep breath.
Mrs. Lathrop looked anxious, not to say fearful.
"It was Mrs. Sperrit as begun again," the narrator continuedpresently. "Mrs. Sperrit said why not divide the children up among usall 'n' each take one, 'n' she looked to be talkin' sense till theystarted dividin', 'n' then it turned out 't naturally every one wantedthe big easy ones 'n' no one wanted Augustus. I was dreadful uneasymyself for fear 't I'd be 'xpected to take Brunhilde Susan on accounto' her hind half bein' named for me, but I didn't have to worry long,for Mrs. Allen said 't she'd take Brunhilde Susan 'cause Polly'stended Brunhilde Susan so much 't she knows just what Brunhilde Susan'll stand 'n' Brunhilde Susan knows just what Polly 'll stand. SoBrunhilde Susan was fixed, but every one else was all upset 'n'undecided, 'n' it was plain 't nothin' wouldn't work, so Mrs. Macy up'n' proposed 't they put all but the baby in a sugar-bowl 'n' shake'em up 'n' draw.
"Well, we did, 'n' it was 'xcitin', I c'n tell you, 'n' I wish you'dbeen there to see their faces. Mrs. Macy drew first, seein' 't it washer plan, 'n' she was awful put out over gettin' Henry Ward Beecher.Seems she was countin' on using her trundle-bed, 'n' she said rightflat out 't she _must_ use her trundle-bed, 'n' so she jus' up 'n' putHenry Ward Beecher right straight back in the sugar-bowl. Mrs. Sweetdrew next, 'n' 'f _she_ didn't get Henry Ward Beecher too, 'n' she wasmadder yet 'cause she was intendin' to have her child sleep with Emma,'n' she said 't her child had jus' _got_ to sleep with Emma, so she up'n' stuffed Henry Ward Beecher back into the sugar-bowl too. Then Mrs.Brown wanted to draw, 'n' so they put on the cover 'n' shook 'em uphard, 'n' I couldn't but be a little took with how anxious they was todraw when there was only twelve childern 'n' sixteen women, so 'tstood to reason 't there was four as couldn't get no child to savetheir necks. I didn't try to draw none myself--I hauled out a lot ofstitches 'n' sat back'n' said when they was all through I'd come 'n'draw for you and me too, 'n' then I watched 'em all hurryin' Mrs.Brown, 'n' 'f _she_ didn't get Henry Ward Beecher same 's all therest! But she was perfectly satisfied,--she said 't she was lonesomenow young Dr. Brown's gone 'n' married and 't Henry Ward Beecher c'dhave his room. So Henry Ward Beecher was out o' the sugar-bowl atlast, 'n' I must say 't it was a great relief to see him settled."
"Who drew--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Mrs. Sweet drew next. 'N' she drew Augustus, 'n' when she see 'tshe'd got Augustus she didn't mince matters none,--she jus' said she'dnever have no Augustus in her house, not now 'n' not never, 'n' sheput him right back, 'n' some one said 't it wasn't fair. But theyshook the bowl up good, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins 'd been tryin' so hard toget a chance at it 't they let her come next, 'n' she drew, 'n'--myLord!--she let off a scream like she'd draw'd a snake 'n' it seemed 'tit was Bobby she'd got, 'n' she said, fair or not, she couldn't abideno small boy since she god-mothered Sam Duruy, 'n' so we must excuseher puttin' Bobby back into the sugar-bowl, and so back into thesugar-bowl Bobby got put. Then every one begin sayin' 't it wasn'tfair, 'n' Mrs. Sperrit stood up 'n' said she knowed a good way. We'dput sixteen numbers in the sugar-bowl 'n' all draw numbers 'n' thenchoose from the childern in accordance with our numbers, No. 1 gettin'first pick 'n' No. 2 second 'n' so on. So we did it, 'n' I drew with apretty heavy heart, I c'n assure you, Mrs. Lathrop, for Lord knowswhat I'd 'a' done if--"
"I c'd 'a' taken--" interposed the friend.
"Yes, 'n' you'd 'a' had to too," rejoined the other. "I thought o'that as I was feelin' 'round, prayin' Heaven to guide me; 'n' it didtoo, for I got 14, 'n' after that the rest o' the meetin' was nothin'but sheer circus for me. That was what you missed, Mrs. Lathrop, f'r Idon't believe there ever was or ever will be such a Sewin' Societyagain. Every one quit sewin' in the first place, 'n' Mrs. Duruy, who'd got No. 1, reflected some 'n' then said she 'd take Felicia Hemans'cause Felicia c'd help her with her sewin'. Mrs. Sweet was No. 2, 'n'she took Rachel Rebecca to sleep with Emma. Then come Gran'ma Mullins,'n' she studied a long while 'n' then at last she decided on littleJane 'cause little Jane sucks her thumb 'n' that's the sign of a goodchild. Then Mrs. Sperrit came next, 'n' she said she'd take Bobby'cause he couldn't do no mischief out on the farm. Gran'ma Mullinsshook her head 'n' said them laughs best as laughs last, but Mrs.Sperrit stuck to Bobby 'n' didn't pay no attention to Gran'ma Mullins.Well--then Mrs. Brown took Henry Ward Beecher, 'n' Mrs. Kimball tookBilly 'cause he's in the store anyhow, 'n' Mrs. Maxwell took 'LizaEm'ly to rip, 'n' Mrs. Fisher took John Bunyan for weeds. 'N' thenMrs. Macy just pounced on the last girl for her trundle-bed, 'n' Mrs.Jilkins was pretty mad at there bein' no more girls after the last one'n' she give a sort o' flounce 'n' said 'Josephus,' 'n' Miss Whitegive a sort o' groan 'n' said 'Fox' in a voice like death. 'N' _then_come _the_ time!--Mrs. Davison was No. 12, 'n' every one knew it, 'n'every one 'd been lookin' at her from time to time 'n' she hadn't beenlookin' at no one, only jus' at her number, 'n' when the time come f'rher to say who she'd got (for naturally she didn't have no choice) shedidn't say nothin' at all, only just begun to pick up all her workthings 'n' stuff 'em in that little black bead bag o' hers, 'n' therewas a meanin' way about her stuffin' 't said more 'n wasnecessary.--But o' course some one had to speak, so Mrs. Sweet begunto smile 'n' say, ''N' Mrs. Davison gets Augustus!' 'n' at that Mrs.Davison come up out o' her chair like it was a live coal, 'n' shookall over 'n' glared right in front of her, 'n' said, 'Ladies, this mayappear as a joke to you, but it's far from seemin' funny to the one asgets Augustus. I decline Augustus right square 'n' sharp 'n' flat 'n'now, 'n' if I ever hear another word on the subjeck I shall cease toever again play the organ in church on Sunday!'"
Miss Clegg paused dramatically.
Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in awe at the climax.
"Well, you c'd 'a' heard the dust settle for a minute or two! No onecouldn't think o' nothin' to say, f'r the only thing to say wassuthin' 't no one in their senses would think o' sayin', but o' coursesome one had to say it, 'n' Mrs. Craig got up at last 'n' with thetears standin' in her eyes 'n' a kind o' sad look all around her nicetidy house, she sort o' sighed out, 'We must have the organ Sundays,'n' I'll take Augustus.' There was a air o' bein' sorry for her allover, but every one was so glad it was her 'n' not them 't theycouldn't help bein' more relieved 'n anythin' else, 'n' then we allremembered 't we was hot, 'n' hungry too, so we made short work o'app'intin' Mrs. Allen to go 'n' tell the minister how everythin' wasarranged for his vacation, 'n' 't it'd be a favor to us all if hecould get away pretty prompt to-morrow so 's we could be all settleddown for Sunday. Mrs. Sperrit says she'll take the bird right alongwith Bobby, 'n' Mrs. Allen says 't if they have Brunhilde Susan theycan just as well fuss with the cow too, so 's far as I c'n seethere'll be no church Sunday, 'n' I certainly am grateful, for all thetime 't I was in church last Sunday I was wishin' 't I was in thecrick instid, 'n' I don't consider such thoughts upliftin'."
Mrs. Lathrop slapped at a mosquito.
"They say it's better to be born lucky 'n rich," said Susan, gettingup to go, "'n' what you said jus' now, Mrs. Lathrop, proves 't it'strue in your case. For if I _had_ been obliged to take Brunhilde Susanor any other of 'em, it'd surely 'a' been a awful care to you justnow, what with your picklin' 'n' your not bein' no great hand atchildern anyhow."
Mrs. Lathrop assented with two slow nods.
"Mrs. Brown 'n' me walked home together," said Susan, as she slowlyturned her steps in the direction of her own house. "Mrs. Brown thinksshe's got the flower o' the flock in gettin' Henry Ward Beecher. Shesays he's so big he'll be no care a _tall_, except to fill his pitcheronce in a while."
"It's Mrs. Craig as has--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, I s
h'd say so," assented Susan.
And then they spoke no more.
* * * * *
The minister, on the receipt of his parishioners' ultimatum, tarriednot upon the order of his going, but went almost at once. Indeed heand his wife packed with such alacrity that at ten o'clock upon thefollowing day (which was Saturday) they were both gone, and thethirteen children, the bird, and the cow had all been distributedaccording to the Sewing Society's programme.
The day was intensely hot, and in spite of the deep interest whichboth felt in the wide-spread situation, neither Susan nor Mrs. Lathropheard any news from the thirteen seats of war until late in theafternoon. At that hour Mrs. Macy called on Miss Clegg, and after thecall the latter walked "as far as the square" with her friend. Mrs.Lathrop saw them go out together from her kitchen window, and whenSusan failed to return, she possessed her soul with all the unlimitedresignation which was her strong point.
Susan did not return until seven o'clock.
"I ain't comin' over," she called from the back stoop, before Mrs.Lathrop could get to the fence; "there ain't nothin' particular totell 'n' under them circumstances I ain't one to bother to tell it.Every one 't I see was out runnin' about 'n' recountin' how muchbetter they're doin' than might 'a' been expected. Mrs. Craig's awfulpleased over Augustus, says it was all clean slander the talk abouthim, for he's 's good 's gold, jus' lays on his back on the floor 'n'says, 'Wash zhat? Is zhat a fly? Zhi a fly? Zhu a fly?' or 'Wash zhat?Zhat dinner? Zhi dinner? Zhu dinner?' 'n' all you have to say is'Yes--No--No--No' pretty prompt. She says she don't consider him nocare a _tall_ 'n' she's glad to have the chance to say so rightout.--Mrs. Fisher was into the store while Mrs. Craig was talkin', 'n'she says she's 'mused to death over John Bunyan. Seems she was neverin favor o' Mr. Fisher's havin' a garden, 'n' now John Bunyan 's gone'n' pulled up all the beets 'n' five rows of little radishes. She wasbuyin' him a ball an' laughin' to tears over how mad Mr. Fisher was.She says he took John Bunyan by the shoulders 'n' shook him hard 'n'asked him 'f he didn't know a radish 'n' a beet when he saw one, 'n'John Bunyan spoke right up 'n' said, 'Course he knowed a radish 'n' abeet when he saw 'em, but how was any one to see a radish or a beettill after he pulled it up first?' Oh my! but Mrs. Fisher says Mr.Fisher was hot about it, 'n' it was all of a half hour afore he gotover his mad enough to be ready to teach John Bunyan anythin' else,'n' then he wanted to show him the first principles of graftin', 'n'so she put a big plate of apples where they was handy for the boy toreach, 'n' come down town herself."
Mrs. Lathrop had approached the fence step by step, and now leaned ina confidence-inspiring attitude against its firm support. The sightseemed to affect Miss Clegg without her being conscious of the fact,and she abandoned her first position on the doorstep and advancedalso.
"After all, we might 's well be comfortable while we visit," shecommented simply, when they found themselves adjusted as of old, "'n'come to think it over I really did hear quite a piece o' news in town.Mrs. Duruy says she's set Felicia Hemans to makin' Sam some shirts 'n'Sam is runnin' the sewin'-machine for 'em. Now o' course 'f it comesto such doin's the first day any one can figger on a week ahead, 'n' Ihad a good mind to say 's much to Mrs. Duruy, but then I thought if Ihad it in me to do any warnin' I'd best warn Felicia, 'n' as far 's myexperience goes a woman afore she marries a man always admires himfull 's much or maybe even more 'n' his own mother can, so it's breathwasted to try 'n' tell either of 'em a plain truth about him. Now youknow, Mrs. Lathrop, 's I was never one to waste my breath, so whenMrs. Duruy said 's she was thinkin' o' goin' over to Meadville tovisit her cousin, now 's she had somebody to keep her house for her, Ijus' remarked as I hoped she'd get her house back when she come back'n' let it go at that. Mrs. Allen was in after mail, 'n' she saidBrunhilde Susan was in bed, 'n' the cow was all milked for the night,'n' her mind was easy over 'em both; 'n' Gran'ma Mullins was to thedrug-store after some quinine to put on little Jane's thumb. She saysthis week as she has little Jane she 'll jus' cure her o'thumb-suckin' once an' f'r all time by keepin' it dipped in quinine.
"I didn't see none o' the others, but I didn't hear o' their bein' indifficulties, so I come home. Mrs. Macy says Roxana sits 'n' weepsstraight along, but she says she didn't have no choice as to herdrawin', for between her bein' No. 9 'n' only havin' a trundle-bedRoxana was just forced right down her throat, so she ain't botherin'over her a _tall_. She come out to make calls this afternoon, 'n' shesays she sh'll see to her own marketin' same 's ever, 'n' Roxana c'nweep or not weep to suit herself."
"I'm glad you--" said Mrs. Lathrop thoughtfully.
"I am too," said Susan quickly, "I'm glad 'n' I sh'll always stayglad. I just had that one time o' carin' for children, 'n' the Lorddealt me a lion instid of a baby, 'n' I 'm free to confess 't I'venever seen no occasion to say other than Thy Will be Done. Thesparrows do build awful in the notches of that lion, 'n' the nest inhis mouth aggravates me so I d'n' know what to do some days, but stillwhen all's said 'n' done a sparrow's nest in the mouth of yourfather's tombstone ain't any such trial as gettin' a child to bednights 'n' keepin' its hands clean would be. 'N' if I had adopted achild, Mrs. Lathrop, I sh'd cert'nly 'a' kept it clean, f'r, if you'llexcuse me remarkin' it right in your face, I was raised to wash 'n'dust 'n' be neat. That's why that nest in my lion's mouth with thestraws stickin' every way do try me so. Mr. Kimball 's forever askin'me if the lion 's raisin' a beard against the winter, 'n' the otherday he said he was give to understand 't it was tippin' a little, 'n'I was recommended to brace him up by givin' him raw eggs for hisbreakfast. Well, maybe all Mr. Kimball says is very witty, but it's apoor kind o' wit, I think. He makes good enough jokes about the restof the c'mmunity, but I may tell you in confidence, Mrs. Lathrop, 't Iain't never heard one joke 't he's told on me 't I considered evenhalf-way amusin'."
Mrs. Lathrop shook her head sadly.
Then they went in.
The Sunday which followed this particular Saturday was of a heat trulytropical. All the blinds of the Clegg and Lathrop houses stayedtightly closed all day, and it is only fair to surmise that those whoremained behind them were not sorry that the minister's absenceallowed them to do so with a clear conscience.
But about half-past seven in the evening Susan's shutters began tobang open with a succession of blast-like reports, and shortly aftershe emerged from her kitchen door and started down town. Mrs. Lathrop,who was of course cognizant of every movement on her neighbor's part,saw her go and made haste to be ready against her home-coming. To thatend she set her front door hospitably open, drew two rockers out uponthe porch, laid a palm-leaf fan in one, and deposited herself in theother.
It was nearly an hour before Miss Clegg returned from town. Sheappeared very warm, but pleased with herself for having gone. As shesank down in the chair and began to agitate the fan, Mrs. Lathrop'seyes fairly gleamed with anticipation.
"I s'pose--" she began.
"Well, no," said Susan, "seems they ain't, after all. The air downtown is more like a revival than anythin' else, everybody 's uptellin' their experience an' callin' out on Heaven to save 'em. 'N'the worst of all is Mrs. Brown!--she _never_ knew 't Henry WardBeecher walks in his sleep! No more did I nor nobody else, 'n' I mustsay 't I do think 't the minister 'd ought to 'a' told some of us so'swe could 'a' been a little prepared, for there's many a night 's I'veleft clothes out on the line 's I'd never risked 'f I'd been aware o'the possibility o' Henry Ward Beecher bein' broad-cast. Mrs. Brownsays, though, 's it ain't his walkin' in his sleep as is troublin'her, it's his eatin' in his walkin'. Mrs. Lathrop, you never hear thelike o' what she told me! It's beyond all belief! He eat the Sundaylayer-cake 'n' the Sunday-dinner pie 'n' the whole week's tin o'doughnuts, 'n' then went back to bed 'n' never turned a hair. Why, shesays she never _did_--in all her life. She says when she see the jellystreaks on the bed an' felt his sticky door-knob, she was all used up,for Babes in the Woods was criminal beside the way he looked to besleepin'. 'N' he don't remember nothin' a _tall_ to-day,
not onelivin' doughnut does that boy recolleck, 'n' she says 'f she didn'tknow it to be so on a'count o' the empty tin she'd doubt herself an'believe him by choice, he looks so truthful. But empty tins is emptytins, 'n' no one can deny that fact.
"I see Mrs. Craig too. Mrs. Craig's some altered as to her yesterday'sview in regard to Augustus. That cat 't she makes so much over 'sgone, 'n' she's most crazy as a consequence. It's him as she warms herfeet on winters, 'n' when I asked her how under the sun she come tofeel the need o' it to-day she didn't even smile. She says she askedAugustus right off 's quick 's she missed it, 'n' all he said was,'Wash zhat? Zhat a cat? Zhi a cat? Zhu a cat?' 'n' she see 't therewasn't no information to be got out o' him. She says, though, that ifyou bar the cat he's pretty good, only he's so tiresome. He followsher all over, sayin', 'Wash zhat? Zhat a hair-pin? Zhi a hair-pin? Zhua hair-pin?' She says it ain't nothin' to really complain of, but it'sgettin' a little wearin', 'n' she was lookin' more worried 'n her talkbore out, but Miss White come up 'n' begun about Fox, 'n' that kind o'ended Augustus. Miss White says 'f the minister wanted to name a childafter Fox's Martyrs he was welcome, but she 'n' her family neverbargained on bein' the martyrs. She says 't Fox takes fits o' yellin''n' when he begins he don't never stop. Her mother's deaf, 'n' said tolet the child yell it out 'n' teach him a lesson, but Deacon White hasgot his ears same as ever, 'n' he couldn't stand the noise, 'n' so hehired Fox to stop by promisin' him a trumpet 's soon as the store isopen to-morrow mornin'. Miss White says her mother said buyin'trumpets was a poor kind o' discipline, 'n' Mrs. Fisher come alongjust then 'n' said her notion o' discipline was rewardin' the goodinstead o' the bad, 'n' 't she was goin' to give John Bunyan a dish o'cookies to keep in his washstand drawer, 'cause he went out in thegarden this mornin' while Mr. Fisher was down for the mail, 'n' hetried his last night's lesson in graftin' on things in general there,'n' he grafted corn 'n' potatoes 'n' asparagus all back 'n' forth 'n'killed 'em all. She says Mr. Fisher was awful mad 'n' wanted to shakeJohn Bunyan, but she jus' up 'n' told Mr. Fisher 't she'd been tellin'him 't there was a mighty big difference between theory 'n' practicef'r these many years, 'n' 't now John Bunyan was sent by the hand o'Providence to show him jus' what she meant.
"I see Mrs. Macy too, 'n' she's happy for the whole town. Seems Roxanawas so lonesome for the other dozen 't she jus' sat 'n' rolled downtears steady, 'n' this afternoon when Mrs. Sperrit drove in to see hersister she jus' took Roxana home with her. She says Roxana 'll behappy with Bobby on the farm, 'n' it's easy to be seen as Mrs. Maxwellis envyin' Mrs. Macy, for she says 't it's as plain 's the nose on theoutside o' your face 't 'Liza Em'ly 's nothin' to rip."
Miss Clegg ceased speech to rock and fan for a minute or two.
"Did you see--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"I see every one almost," replied the other. "I see Polly Allenwheelin' Brunhilde Susan around the square. Polly said 't the heat washard on the cow 'n' hard on Brunhilde Susan. She says the cow's got tohave suthin' on 'n' Brunhilde Susan's got to have everythin' off orthey ain't neither of them peaceable to live with long. I ain't sohappy over Brunhilde Susan 's I would be if she had more sense. Shewas cryin' 'Moo--moo' at every dog she see, 'n' I give her a nickel tokeep her quiet, 'n' then she up 'n' lost it. We hunted an' hunted 'n'did everythin' in kingdom come to find it--for I naturally didn't feelto come away without it--'n' finally Polly said 's she must 'a'swallowed it, 'n' she asked her, 'n' she said 'Yes,' 'n' I was more 'ndisgusted. It was a full minute before I could remember to thank mystars as it wasn't a half-dollar--'s it might easy 'a' been, for bein'the namesake of a child kind o' obliges you to be nice to 'em.Brunhilde Susan can't never expect to get nothin' out o' her fronthalf, for I was give to understand 't the Brunhilde 's Felicia Hemanswas so book-took with is long dead, 'Dragged at horses' tails,' shehad the face to tell me--the joint godmother!--''N' who by?' Icouldn't in decency but ask.--'By the horses,' says Felicia Hemans,a-gigglin' fit to beat the band. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm prettypatient with the young in general, but I must say 's I can't but feel't when them shirts o' Sam Duruy's is done 'n' their consequences isadded up, it's a even thing which draws the least,--him or Felicia.Mrs. Macy told me 't Mrs. Duruy has her things all washed 'n' ironedto go to Meadville to-morrow, 'n' I reckon 't a woman 's is as blind's that 'll be jus' 's happy in Meadville as anywhere else."
Susan paused and rose from her seat.
"Are you a--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Looks like it, don't it?" replied Miss Clegg. "'S a matter o' fact,Mrs. Lathrop, I'm that hot 'n' tired 'd it 'd take a long sight more'n you to keep me any longer, so I 'll say good-bye 'n' go."
* * * * *
On Monday the thermometer bounded higher than ever. It was wash-daytoo, which rendered one half of the community infinitely hotter yet.As the burden of the minister's vacation fell upon the same half thatthe washing did, one might have looked for very little friendlyexchanging of personal trials on the evening that followed such atrying day. Susan felt such to be the case and concluded not to tryand go down town. Mrs. Lathrop took two or three wilted clovers, andsat on her steps and chewed submissively after tea,--too much overcomeeven to waft a questioning glance across the interim of parched grasswhich stretched between her kitchen stoop and that of her friend; butthe latter saw her sitting there and felt a keen, remorseful stab.
"I guess I 'll go down in the square f'r jus' five minutes," shecalled to the dejected figure, and forthwith sallied out to theconflict.
The five minutes stretched to an hour, and Mrs. Lathrop was franklyasleep when her vigil was terminated by her neighbor's return. Thelatter came up and sat down on the steps, heaving a mighty sigh as shedid so.
"Well, I see Mrs. Brown," she began in a tone of reminiscent sympathy,"'n' I can tell you 't Mrs. Brown is in a situation not to be lightlysneezed over."
"What did--" remarked Mrs. Lathrop, rubbing her eyes.
"What did Henry Ward Beecher do? Well, he jus' up 'n' did the same 'sthe night afore. Ate the Sons o' Veterans' pudding 's Mrs. Brown hadall ready for the Lodge meetin', 'n' all the baked beans 's was forto-day's luncheon too. She says she never dreamed as no human bein'could hold what that boy can. She says young Dr. Brown says 't hewants to come 'n' observe him to-night 'f he don't have to go over toMeadville to get two of his saws sharpened. Mrs. Brown says he sayshe's goin' to write a paper for the Investigatin' Society, but I don'tsee how that's goin' to help the Sons o' Veterans none. Doctors'observations 'n' investigations 's all right 's far 's they go, but Idon' fancy as they can be made to take the place o' no eat up puddin'inside o' no son of a veteran. 'N' anyhow, Henry Ward Beecher or noHenry Ward Beecher, Mrs. Craig 's jus' about frantic over her cat. Shesays there's cat's hair everywhere 'n' the cat ain't nowhere. She wasdoin' out her churnin' 'n' she found some hairs in the butter. I askedher 'f maybe Augustus hadn't fed the cat to the cow, 'n' she says theythought o' that, but her husband says 't ain't possible, for thereain't room for a cat to turn over in the place where a cow turnseverything over afore she swallows it. Mrs. Craig says, besides, 'tshe asked Augustus, but he jus' said, 'Wash zhat?--Zhat a cow?--Zhi acow?--Zhu a cow?' 'n' she see plain 'n' forever where he got the nameo' bein' so bad, for she was dyin' to switch him 'n' couldn't in honorsay as she had any real reason to. But all the same she says she's assure as Fate 't him 'n' no one else 's at the bottom o' her cat--onlyhow in all creation are you to get it out o' him? She says there washairs in the washtub 'n' hairs in the bluein', 'n' when she gatheredthe sweet peas afore supper she see a hair on a sweet-pea pod. Whilewe was talkin' suthin' tickled her 'n' she found a hair in her collar.
"Gran'ma Mullins came along up from the crick while we was talkin','n' she had her tale o' woe same 's the rest. Seems little Jane 'squit her thumb, owin' to the quinine, 'n' took to bitin' holes 'n'chewin' 'n' suckin' everythin' that she can lay hands on. She's chewedher pillow-slip 'n' bit her sheet 'n' sucked right down to the brasson a number o' Gran'ma Mullins' solid silver things. They've triedscoldin' 'n
' slappin', but she jus' keeps her mouth on the rampage,'n' they can't get her to go back to her thumb f'r love nor money.Mrs. Brown said she'd be glad to trade Henry Ward Beecher for littleJane, 'n' I strongly advised her to do it, f'r to my mind a chewin'child 's more to be counted on than a eatin' sleep-walker, but we wasevidently all o' the same way o' thinkin, f'r Gran'ma Mullins shookher head 'n' wouldn't change.
"I see Felicia Hemans down buyin' suthin' with Sam along with a basketto carry it home in. I asked 'f Mrs. Duruy was gone, 'n' they saidyes, 'n' Sam grinned 'n' Felicia giggled, same 's usual. I c'n see 'tthe Allens is all put out 't Sam's bein' around with any one butPolly, 'n' Mrs. Allen asked me 'f I really thought Mrs. Duruy 'd oughtto 'a' gone off like that. I said I thought it was a awful risk forFelicia Hemans 'cause o' course she _might_ marry Sam in consequence.Mrs. Allen didn't like it, 'n' she bounced Brunhilde Susan'scarriage-springs so hard 't she made Brunhilde Susan wake up. Mr.Kimball was out in front o' his store, 'n' he hollered across to me 'the was giv' to understand as Brunhilde Susan was learnin' to hang ontomoney already. Every one laughed, 'n' I declare 't for the life o' meI don't see how no one c'n make a joke over a baby's swallowin' a lentnickel."
"Who--" queried Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, Mrs. Fisher was one of 'em. She did sort of explain it awayafterwards, though. She said she was so happy she laughed at anynothin' at all. Seems Mr. Fisher set John Bunyan to cuttin' the grass,'n' the boy went 'n' sheared right over the bed o' petunias. Seemsthem petunias was the apple o' Mr. Fisher's eye 'n' he wanted a dishof 'em with every meal. Mrs. Fisher says 't to her mind a woman haswork enough gettin' the meals without havin' to get petunias too, 'n'she was nothin' but glad to see what a clean shave John Bunyan made o'the whole thing. She was down town buyin' him some marbles. She wentinto Shores after 'em, an' she 'n' Miss White come out together. Iknow suthin' had happened the minute I see Miss White's face, f'rangels chantin' glory was nothin' to it. Do you know, Mrs. Lathrop,that Fox never lived up to the trumpet bargain one hour, but jus'yelled 'n' blew alternate, till the Deacon was nigh to deaf 'n' oldMrs. White begun to hear, 'n' they was all 'most fit for the InsaneAsylum when Mrs. Sperrit come in to leave a skirt for new braid, 'n'she jus' up 'n' took Fox home with her. She says 't he can make allthe noise he wants to out on the farm, 'n' the Whites is all but inParadise as a result."
"I sh'd think--" suggested Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I d'n' know," said Susan; "you may think so, but you didn'tlook like it when I come. You looked to be asleep, Mrs. Lathrop, 'n'bein' 's to-day's been a hot Monday 'n' to-morrow 'll likely be a hotTuesday, I feel some inclined that way myself. So good-night."
* * * * *
Susan's prophecy as to what the next day would be came true. It was ascorching Tuesday, and nothing but the feast of gossip which "thesquare" held upon this particular week could ever have drawn a crowdthere on so sultry a night.
"But every one was out," she told Mrs. Lathrop, as they met by thefence along towards nine o'clock, "'n' oh my! you'd ought to 'a' beenthere. Mrs. Craig's found her cat, 'n' that takes the lead, for shecome back of her own accord from a place where no one 'd ever 'a'expected her to come back from."
"Where did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop eagerly.
"Come up in the well-bucket," replied Miss Clegg promptly,--"she comeup in the well-bucket this afternoon all but her tail, 'n' they thinkAugustus must 'a' strained that throwin' her in by it 'n' so it soakedoff extra easy. Mrs. Craig went for him the minute she see the cat,but, lor', you can't get nothin' out o' Augustus; he jus' said, 'Washzhat?--Zhat a cat?--Zhi a cat?--Zhu a cat?' 'n' Mrs. Craig was too madf'r words. She says 't they've been noticin' a curious taste in thewater, but not bein' in the habit o' drinkin' the house cat, theynever thought of its bein' him. She's troubled over findin' the cat'n' troubled some more over not findin' the tail. She says Mr. Craigsays 't he wouldn't consider for one second cleanin' out a well for atrifle like a cat's tail, 'n' yet, for her part, she ain't nowaysinclined to keep on livin' on cat's hairs indefinitely. She says 'tMr. Craig says 't she can easy fish the tail up with the well-bucket,but fishin' for suthin' 's you can't see ain't so funny as a woman'shusband 's apt to make out. 'S far 's my observation 's 'xtended, aman always gives his wife to understand that what'd be a bother ormebbe impossible for him to do 'll be jus' a pleasant afternoon forher. I took it on myself to tell her that very same thing. 'Let himfish that tail himself for a day or two,' I says; 'about the sixhundred an' fortieth time 't he winds up that bucket 'n' finds himselfstill short o' that tail I'll venture my guess 't he won't find thejoke 's fine 's he did at first.' But she was too used up to know whenshe was havin' good common-sense talked to her; she jus' kep' wipin'her eyes, 'n' then Mrs. Sperrit drove up 'n' the whole rigmarole hadto be gone over again for her. I mus' say that she behaved kind ofun-neighborly, f'r she laughed fit to kill herself, 'n' Mrs. Craig wasnigh to put out over such doin's,--'n' the cat not dead a week yet;but when Mrs. Sperrit got through laughin' she made up f'r it all, forshe said if Mrs. Craig was willin' she'd take Augustus home with her.Mrs. Craig couldn't believe she was in earnest at first, 'n' then shewept again with sheer joy. 'N' what _do_ you think 't Mrs. Sperritdid?--Took Augustus straight across to Mr. Shores 'n' bought adog-collar 'n' a chain for him 'n' buckled it on right then and there.'I'll engage he don't throw no cats down no wells out on the farm,'she says, 'n' then off she drove with the youngster sittin' up besideher prim 's a poodle."
"Did you hear--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, chewing pleasantly.
"I see Mrs. Brown," Susan continued calmly,--"she was down in thesquare. Seems 't young Dr. Brown didn't get to observe Henry WardBeecher like he expected. He 'n' Amelia went over to Meadville, 'n'mebbe they'll go on to the city from there, f'r his practice isspreadin' so 't he's got to buy a bigger borin'-machine, 'n' he wantsa lot more bastin' thread an' needles. But Henry Ward Beecher was up'n' doin' as usual last night. He skum two pans o' milk 'n' didn't putthe covers back, so a June bug got in. Mrs. Brown says Mrs. Craig 'swelcome to drink her cat if she favors the idea, but she ain'tdrinkin' no June bugs herself, so she had to give the complete pan tothe pigs. 'N' he eat more too!--he eat ajar o' watermelon pickles 'n'all the calves-foot jelly 't was all ready f'r old Mrs. Grace. It's aserious matter about the jelly, for Mrs. Grace 's most dead 'n' allthe calves in town is alive, 'n' so where any more jelly 's to be gotin time the Lord only knows. Mrs. Brown thinks some one 'd ought towrite to the minister; she says it ain't possible 's he's always eatlike this nights 'n' she wants to know how to put a stop to it. Mrs.Allen thinks 't some one 'd ought to write to the minister too. Shesays 't Sam 'n' Felicia was down on the bridge last night a-holdin'hands. She says Polly saw 'em.
"'N' Gran'ma Mullins is another as thinks 't some one 'd ought towrite to the minister. She was down town a-buyin' some honey to put onlittle Jane's thumb. She's all but stark mad. She says mice 'n' mothsis goin' to be mere jokes to her hereafter. She says 'f the ministerdon't come back soon little Jane 'll have her sucked out o' bed 'n'board. She says little Jane 's like him in the history 't where hechewed the grass never grew again. There seems to be considerableanxiety 's to when the minister 'll get back. Nobody thought to askhim where he was goin', 'n' as a consequence nobody knows where he'sgone. Nobody thought to ask him when he was comin' back, 'n' 's aconsequence no one knows when he's thinkin' o' comin' back. Mr.Kimball says 't his view o' the matter is as the minister was tired o'havin' thirteen children 'n' is gone off somewhere else to begin allover. Fun or not, the idea 's sort of upset every one. They went downto see where he bought his ticket for, but Johnny says he only took itto the junction, 'n' my own experience is 't a junction may lead to'most anythin'. Mrs. Macy says 's there's only one way to be surewhether he's gone for good or not, 'n' that is to go up to the house'n' see whether he took his ear-muffs along, for it stands to reason't any man who 'd pack his ear-muffs a week like this ain't intendin'to ever return. Every one see the sense o' that, 'n' so Mrs. Macy 'sapp'inted herself to go 'n'
look the house over to-morrow mornin'. Imust say 't 'f she don't find them ear-muffs the c'mmunity 'll bepretty blue to-morrow night. No one knew how fond they was of theminister until they begin to find out what them thirteen childern cometo when you add 'em all up separately. I d'n' know's I ever was soglad of anythin' in my life 's I am that I drew No. 14 out o' Mrs.Craig's sugar-bowl. Fate 's a strange thing when you look it under 'n'over 'n' hind end to, Mrs. Lathrop,--there was me drawin' No. 14 'n'Mrs. Craig herself gettin' Augustus, 'n' all on account of asugar-bowl, 'n' that sugar-bowl hers 'n' not mine."
Mrs. Lathrop applied her clover, but said nothing.
"Well, I d'n' know as there's any good to be gained out o' ourstandin' here chattin' any longer. We'd better be gettin' to bed 'n'thankin' our merciful Father 't we hav'n't got none o' the minister'schildren, 'n' that's a prayer 's not many c'n put up this night."
Mrs. Lathrop threw her clover away and returned to her own domicile.
* * * * *
On Wednesday, between the intense heat and the equally intenseexcitement engendered by Mr. Kimball's suggestion, the town was rifewith a hive-like tumult. Miss Clegg went down to return Mrs. Macy'scall soon after dinner, and when she got back it was all of six. Mrs.Lathrop was so anxious to hear the latest news from the seat of warthat she had prepared a company tea by the dining-room window andhailed Susan directly she was near enough to hail.
"I want you to come to--" she cried.
"Well, I believe I will," her friend answered cordially. "I believeI'd really enjoy to pervided you ain't got nothin' with dried currantsin it. They say the heathen Chinese eat flies for currants, but Inever was no heathen Chinese."
"I ain't got--" Mrs. Lathrop assured her.
"Then I'll come 's soon 's I c'n get my bonnet off," Susan answered,and proceeded to unlock her own domain and enter into the sacredprecincts thereof.
Ten minutes later the friends sat on opposite sides of Mrs. Lathrop'shospitality.
"I s'pose 't a good deal--" began the older woman, as she poured outthe tea.
"More'n any other day," said the younger; "it almost seems 's 'f more's happened than I c'n remember to tell over again. I see Mrs. Macy,'n' it was lucky 't I went to see her, f'r she was _the_ one 's knowedeverythin' _this_ day, f'r sure. The first thing she told me was 'tthe minister 's got his ear-muffs right along with him. She says theear-muffs is the only thing 't she didn't find, f'r she's willin' toswear 's she opened more 'n a hunderd bundles. She said she was cleanwore out towards the last, 'n' discouraged too, 'n' she thought she'dgo over to Mrs. Duruy's 'n' ask Felicia Hemans if she know'd anythin';so she did, 'n' when she got there the house was all shut up, 'n' apiece o' paper stuck in the front door between the knob 'n' the wall,simply statin' 't Felicia Hemans 'n' Sam was gone to Meadville to getmarried. All it said was 'Me 'n' Sam were married in Meadville aforeyou can get this. Your everlasting daughter.' She see 't it was meantfor a little surprise for Mr. Duruy when he come home 'xpectin' to gethis dinner, 'n' she thought she'd ought to give it to him right off;so she went back 'n' got her stick 'n' jus' went to town 's quick 'sever she could 'n' walked straight in on him with it. He took on awful'n' stamped around an' shook, his fist right in her face, an' swore ather till she was frightened 'most to death, 'n' then it turned out 'the'd thought as it was her 's had married Sam on a'count o' therebein' no 'Felicia' signed to the letter. The other shock when he cometo understand brought on a appleplecktic fit, 'n', seein' 's young Dr.Brown 's away, they had to send 'way to Meadville f'r old Dr. Carter,'n' Mrs. Macy had to stay 'n' take care of him, with him light-headedhalf the time 'n' the other half all out o' his mind 'n' sure she wasmarried to Sam. She said 't it didn't take much o' such doin's to gether so aggravated 't she jus' told him flat 'n' plain 's she wassixty-seven years old and that meant 's she knowed sixty-seven yearstoo much to marry his son. She said he begin to rave 'n' choke allfresh 't that, 'n' her patience come clean to a end right then 'n'there, 'n' she picked up the water-pitcher 'n' told him 'f he dared tohave another fit she'd half drown him. She said he got reasonablepretty quick when he see she was in earnest, 'n' she had him sittin'up by the window afore Dr. Carter got there. Mrs. Duruy 'n' Sam 'n'Felicia Hemans all drove over with the doctor, 'n' Dr. Carter hadtelegraphed young Dr. Brown to come 'n' observe Mr. Duruy's fit withhim, so Dr. Brown 'n' Amelia 's home too, 'n' all down around thecrick is real gay. O' course Mrs. Macy 'd done with the fit afore theygot there, but young Dr. Brown wants Dr. Carter to stay over night 'n'observe Henry Ward Beecher, 'n' Dr. Carter says 't he thinks he will.He says he ain't got no real important case on hand jus' now, only hesays it's a ill wind 's blows no man good 'n' he's lookin' for thisheat to lay some one out afore long.
"Gran'ma Mullins come up to Mrs. Macy's while I was there, 'n' she'spretty mad. Seems she hurried to Mr. Duruy's jus' 's soon 's she heardof the doctors there, 'n' wanted 'em to come over to her house 'n'observe little Jane's thumb, 'n' Dr. Carter jus' flatly up and saidlittle Jane's thumb was beneath the kingdom o' medicine. She was awfulput out about it, 'n' she vows 'n' declares 's she'll die afore sheever asks another doctor to do anythin' f'r her. I guess that's trueenough too, f'r 'f the minister really is gone nothin' ain't nevergoin' to cure her o' little Jane. Mrs. Macy give her some tea, but shewas too used up to drink it. She says little Jane 's gettin' worse 'n'worse. She bit a piece out of a gold-band cup last night, 'n' shegnawed all the jet cherries off o' Gran'ma Mullins' best bonnet whileGran'ma Mullins was to Mrs. Duruy's."
Miss Clegg paused to eat and drink somewhat. Mrs. Lathrop, who hadfinished her own eating and drinking, sat breathless.
"I see Mrs. Fisher on my way home. She 's happy as ever. She saysnothin' must do last night but Mr. Fisher must build a flyin'-machinewith John Bunyan to hold the nails when he hammered. Mrs. Fisher saysshe quit holdin' nails afore she'd been married a year 'n' Mr. Fisher's jus' wild now 't he's got a new hand to hold his nails f'r him. Shesays they were tinkerin' on the thing all last evenin' 'n' a good parto' this mornin' 'n' two mattresses to beat 'n' a chair to mend 'snever counted for anythin'. Well--seems 't towards noon Mr. Fisher gotto where he could go down town to get the top part pumped up, 'n'while he was down town what did John Bunyan do but up 'n' put wheelson the bottom part? My! but Mrs. Fisher says 't Mr. Fisher was madwhen he got back 'n' see them wheels. He tied the pumped up part tothe hammer 't was layin' on the garden bench, 'n' then he shook JohnBunyan hard 'n' asked him what in thunder he meant by puttin' wheelson a flyin'-machine, 'n' John Bunyan jus' up 'n' asked him to his facehow under the sun he was 'xpectin' to make the thing go 'f it didn'thave no wheels on it. Mrs. Fisher says she was in behind the kitchenblinds 'n' she was fit to kill herself laughin' to see how mad Mr.Fisher got,--he got so mad 't he backed up 'n' fell over the gardenbench 'n' busted the pumped up part o' the flyin'-machine all hollow.Mrs. Fisher says it finished her to see a flyin'-machine with the toppart all holes 'n' the bottom part all wheels. She says she 's giveJohn Bunyan her father's cuff-button 'n' told him 'f he keeps on 'swell 's he 's begun 't she 'll give him a button f'r the other cuffthe day he's twenty-one.
"Mrs. Brown was down town buyin' eggs. She says them Leghorns o' herscan't begin to keep up with Henry Ward Beecher. She says, besides, 'tshe hasn't no scraps to feed 'em since he's come, 'n' so the knifecuts two ways. She's mighty glad that the observin' 's goin' to beginto-night, f'r she says she's prayin' Heaven for relief but she ain'tgot much faith left. Mr. Kimball was feelin' mighty funny, 'n' hehollered to her 't she wa'n't the first to have her faith shook byHenry Ward Beecher, but we was all too considerate for her feelin's tolaugh. I wouldn't laugh at a joke o' Mr. Kimball's anyhow."
"I wish--" said Mrs. Lathrop mildly.
"It's a curious thing," continued Susan,--"it's a mighty curious thinghow many folks is give to likin' to hear themselves talk. Mr.Kimball's a sad example o' that kind o' man. I'd sometimes enjoy tostop 'n' exchange a few friendly words with him, but, lor'! I'd neverget a chance. The minister is about all I c'n
stand in the talkin'line--'n' you, o' course, Mrs. Lathrop."
* * * * *
The evening after, as Susan was snapping out her dish-towels, shespied her neighbor meandering back and forth among the cloverblossoms. Later she observed her standing--ruminative and ruminating,so to speak--at the fence. There was always a potent suggestion inMrs. Lathrop's pose, as she leaned and waited, which vastlyaccelerated Miss Clegg's after-dinner movements. In this case lessthan two minutes intervened between the waiting of Mrs. Lathrop andthe answering of her younger friend.
"Was you to--" the older woman asked, as her eyes were brightened bythe approach of her medium of communication with the world at large.
"Oh, yes," replied that lady, "I was to town, 'n' the whole town 'slight-headed 'n' runnin' hither 'n' yon like they was ants bein'stepped on. The town's gone plum crazy over the minister bein' gonealtogether. I do believe the only happy woman in it last night wasGran'ma Mullins, 'n' 'f you want to see happiness, Mrs. Lathrop, you'dought to see Gran'ma Mullins this day. Seems 't Mrs. Sperrit wasdrivin' in early last evenin' 'n' she stopped at Gran'ma Mullins toget one o' the crick stones out o' her horse's shoe, 'n' Gran'maMullins was weepin' on the piazza while little Jane chewed up herspectacle-case, 'n after she got the stone out Mrs. Sperrit jus' up'n' took little Jane home with her. She said 't little Jane could chewall she liked out on the farm, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins said 't she all butfell on her knees at her feet. She was down town this afternoon buyin'two dozen o' cotton an' one dozen o' glue, 'n' she says 't she sh'llspend the rest o' her allotted time in peace 'n' mendin'.
"But Gran'ma Mullins' joy is more 'n balanced by Mrs. Brown, for Mrs.Brown is clean discouraged. I see her sittin' on a barrel in thegrocery store, 'n' it was a molasses barrel 'n' some 'd run out, butshe hadn't no heart to care. She says 't Henry Ward Beecher neverbudged last night, 'n' so far from that bein' a relief, it led toworse 'n ever, for old Dr. Carter 'n' young Dr. Brown got so hungryobservin' 't they went downstairs, 'n' young Dr. Brown knowed whereeverything was, 'n' as a result they eat up stuff 't Henry WardBeecher never 'd even dreamed existed. They opened jars o' fancypickles 'n' a jug o' rare old rum 'n' played Ned in general. 'N'afterwards they went to bed in the guest-room where Mrs. Brown neverlets any one sleep, 'n' they got right in on top o' her Hottentotpillow-shams 'n' old Dr. Carter tore a sham with his toothpick. 'N',added to all that, Amelia 's furious 'cause she read in a book 'tteaches how to stay married 't a husband's first night out is thefirst rift in the lute, 'n' she was down town buyin' a dictionary so's to be sure what a lute is afore she accuses young Dr. Brown. 'N'there's a man over in Meadville down with a sun-stroke, 'n' they wantDr. Carter to hurry, 'n' they can't seem to make him realize nothin'.He jus' sits there in Mrs. Brown's parlor 'n' shakes his head 'n'smiles 'n' says, 'Oh, that rum, that rum!' over 'n' over. 'N' Mrs.Brown says 't if it wasn't plain from the expression of his face as hemeans it as a compliment she certainly would be real mad, for he must'a' downed two quarts. It 's all jus' awful, 'n' I would 'a' waited'n' walked home with her, only Mrs. Allen come along 'n' I wanted togo with her instead. Mrs. Allen needs some sympathy too, for Polly 'sall broke up over Sam 'n' Felicia Hemans. Mrs. Allen don't hesitate tosay right out't to her order o' thinkin' Sam 'd 'a' showed more sense'f he'd married Mrs. Macy 'cause Mrs. Macy has got a little property'n' it looks doubtful at present if Felicia 's got so much as afather. Mrs. Allen says they was all so used up 't when Mrs. Sperritwas in to-day she jus' traded Brunhilde Susan against the makin' o'Mr. Sperrit's summer shirts, 'n' then went right 'n' bought the cloth'n' took the baby. Mrs. Allen says 's Mrs. Sperrit says 't BrunhildeSusan c'n learn if dogs moo out on the farm, 'n' f'r her part she'drather be responsible f'r any man's baby 'n for one husband'scollar-bands. So Brunhilde Susan 's settled, 'n' Mrs. Allen 's awfulsorry 't she didn't send the cow along with her too, for she says 'tit's harder 'n you'd think to keep a cow content nights in achicken-house. But she didn't think in time, so she lost the chance,'n' as a result she was down town buyin' thread with the minister'scow on her shoulders."
Miss Clegg paused for breath. Mrs. Lathrop chewed passively.
"I must say, though, 't it 's generally admitted 't we've seen thelast o' the minister. To think how he looked the mornin' he left,--inhis wilted collar 'n' that coat 't Deacon White was married in,--'n'all the time his ear-muffs hid away somewhere about him! I wouldn't'a' believed it--not on your honor, Mrs. Lathrop. Hind-sight 's alwaysbetter 'n fore-sight, 'n' we c'n all see now 't we did a mightyfoolish thing givin' him such a easy chance to get out of it. I can'tsee, though, how he's ever goin' to get another place without sendin'to us f'r a good character, 'n' I'm free to confess 't I don't believe't the father of Augustus 'll ever get any praise from the Craigs, noryet will the father o' little Jane from Gran'ma Mullins. The Craigs isawful mournful to think 't they ain't got no kittens from their cat,but owin' to the fact 't he wasn't no kitten kind o' cat he naturallynever had none. Mr. Kimball says mebbe the hairs from his tail 'llturn into suthin' in the well like the hairs in horse's tails do inwaterin'-troughs. But 'f horse's hairs make snakes, I sh'd naturallysuppose 't cat's hairs would make mud-turtles, 'n' it ain't nomud-turtle 't Mrs. Craig wants. She wants suthin' to warm her feet onwinters, 'n' she told me with tears in her eyes 't he never scratchedwhen he was rocked on, 'n' she used to rock on him so often 't byspring he was all wore off in spots 'n' most wore through in someplaces.
"Mrs. Jilkins was up from Cherry Pond to-day f'r the first time sinceshe took Josephus home with her las' Saturday mornin'. She was awfulsurprised to hear all the bother 't all the rest have been havin'. Shesays 't she ain't had no bother a _tall_. She says 't she whippedJosephus nine times the day 't she took him home with her, 'n' sincethen she's taught him to read 'n' write 'n' sew patchwork 'n' beat upbatter. She says 'f she'd 'a' had Henry Ward Beecher he wouldn't 'a'roamed but once, nor would little Jane 'a' give but one suck, nor Foxbut one yell, nor would Augustus 'a' throwed but one cat down _her_well. Mrs. Craig was standin' right there, 'n' she spoke up prettysharp at that 'n' said 't he hadn't throwed but one cat in her well'n' she wanted that distinctly understood. Mrs. Jilkins jus' laughed,but then some one up 'n' told her about the minister bein' gone f'rgood, 'n' she very quickly changed her tune.
"That blow 's goin' to fall heaviest on Mrs. Sperrit, though, forshe's got the five littlest ones 's well 's Bobby, 'n' I miss my guess'f she don't have another to-morrow, for Mrs. Brown says 't she'sgoin' to send Henry Ward Beecher out there of an errand jus' so 's tosee if he'll sleep after a ten-mile walk, 'n' every one knows 't she'sjus' doin' it in the hope 't Mrs. Sperrit 'll keep him."
"Let's go out--" Mrs. Lathrop suggested.
"It'll be cooler outside," Susan acquiesced; so they quitted the tableand went out on the porch.
"Mrs. Brown ain't a bit reconciled about her rare old rum," she wenton when they were seated; "she's bad enough used up over thepreserves, but the rum she can't seem to get reconciled to. She says't a saltspoonful was a sure cure f'r anythin', 'n' Dr. Carter wasperfectly sound in mind 'n' body 'n' got away with two quarts."
There was a silence broken only by a frog's far croak.
"I ain't a doubt but this is the worst hot spell the c'mmunity 's everhad to deal with," the younger woman remarked after a while, "'n' theresult is 't I'd never recommend no other town to choose such a timeto give their minister a fair field 'n' no favor. I c'n only say onething, Mrs. Lathrop, 'n' that is 't I've begun to feel 't I'vemisjudged the minister. I never would 'a' give him credit for anythin'like this. 'N' while I think he'd ought not to 'a' done it, still Imust say 't I can't but admire--if he had it in him to try--how wellhe's carried it off.
"'N' to think 't, after all, it was our idea 's give him the chance!"
* * * * *
That Friday afternoon--just one week from the forever to be rememberedmeeting of the Sewing Society--Mrs. Lathrop, sleeping the sleep of thestout and elderly in her kitchen rocker, was suddenly aroused
to aswaying sense of the world about her by the sound of her name, thesame being pronounced in her neighbor's voice, the key of that voicebeing pitched uncommonly high.
"Mrs. Lathrop!--Mrs. Lathrop!--oh-h-h, Mrs. _Lathrop_!"
Mrs. Lathrop got to the window as fast as her somewhat benumbedmembers would allow.
Susan was standing on her own side of the fence, her eyes glowing withexcitement.
"The minister's come back!"
Mrs. Lathrop simply fell out of the door and down the back steps. Asshe hastened towards the fence, her usual custom led her to hastilysnatch a handful of her favorite blend, and then--
"When--" she gasped.
"This afternoon, right after lunch. You never hear the like in allyour life! Where do you suppose he was all this week? Just nowhere atall! Out on the farm! Yes, Mrs. Lathrop," as that worthy clung to thefence for support in her overwhelming astonishment,--"yes, Mrs.Lathrop, he 'n' his wife were out there on the farm all the time.Seems 't that night when Mrs. Allen come in 'n' told 'em 't they'd gotto go on a vacation so early the nex' mornin', they was all upset.They didn't have no money nor no clothes nor no place to go to, 'n'the minister's wife begun to cry jus' 's soon 's Mrs. Allen was gone.Seems she was settin' there cryin' when Mrs. Sperrit drove in, in thecool o' the evenin', to pay her pew-rent in pigs-feet, 'n' what didMrs. Sperrit do but jus' up 'n' ask 'em both to come out to the farm.Told 'em they wouldn't have no board to pay out on the farm 'n' 'tthey could stay 's long 's they liked. It seemed like it was all theycould do, so they arranged it 'n' it all worked fine. Seems they tookthe train to the junction, 'n' Mr. Sperrit met 'em there 'n' drove 'emstraight across country home, 'n' they 've been there ever since, 'n'maybe they'd been there yet, only Mrs. Sperrit is like a lot o' otherpeople in this world,--she's forever goin' to extremes, 'n' shecouldn't be content with jus' the minister 'n' his wife 'n' Bobby, soshe had to keep bringin' home more 'n' more o' the childern, untilthey was so thick out there 't to-day, when Henry Ward Beecherarrived, the minister went to Mr. Sperrit 'n' asked him if he thoughtanybody 'd mind 'f he 'n' his wife come in town 'n' finished theirvacation in their own house. I guess mebbe the Sperrits was some woreout themselves, f'r they jus' told him 't no one could possiblyobject, 'n' then they had the carryall 'n' drove 'em both in townright after dinner.
"I was down in the square buyin' flypaper, 'n' I heard the commotion'n' run out, 'n'--well, Mrs. Lathrop, you c'n believe me or not jus''s you please--but it was a sight to draw tears to any one's eyes.Folks waved anythin' 't they could grab, 'n' all the boys yelled 'n'cheered. The minister was real touched--he quoted, ''N' there went upa great multitude'--but he never got no further, f'r Deacon Whitejumped up in the band-stand 'n' proposed 'No church Sunday, but adonation party Saturday night. Who bids?' 'n' every one shrieked,'Aye--Aye.'"
Mrs. Lathrop's eyes kindled slowly but surely.
"I wish--" she said, biting firmly into a large red one.
"It's too late now," said Susan, not unkindly, "it's all over now--all'xcept the donation party, 'n' I don't see how you c'n do much there'nless I bring over the butter 'n' mix it for you. But you mustn'tinterrupt me, Mrs. Lathrop, f'r if you do I never shall get through.
"So the donation party was decided, 'n' Mrs. Brown's good cookin'heart come out strong 'n' she pledged three pies right then n' there.I put myself down f'r a pan o' biscuit, 'n' Mr. Kimball said hebelieved 's the Aliens would outdo every one 'n' give a whole cow,without no urgin' neither. Mrs. Allen laughed a little, 'n' then Mrs.Macy come up so out o' breath 't it was all o' five minutes afore shecould get out a word. Seemed when she _did_ speak, 't she wasn'ttryin' to give nothin'--she only wanted to know about the minister'sear-muffs, 'n' it appears 't he never took 'em a _tall_. Seems 'tBrunhilde Susan cut teeth on 'em till they was only fit to be used f'rkettle-holders."
Susan paused for a second. Mrs. Lathrop chewed and waited. In a minutethe narrative flowed on.
"When every one else was through, Mrs. Sperrit said 't if she couldtake 'Liza Em'ly home with her to help look after the little onesshe'd be willin' to keep 'em a fortnight more 'n' let theminister--'n' his wife--have a real good rest in their own house. Mrs.Maxwell spoke right up 'n' said she c'd have 'Liza Em'ly 'n' welcome,'n' Mrs. Sweet said she c'd have Rachel Rebecca too. But Mrs. Fishercrowded round in front 'n' said she nor no one couldn't have JohnBunyan not now 'n' not never, f'r he'd weeded 'n' mowed 'n' grafted'n' busted his way right into her heart 'n' she was intendin' to keephim right along 'f the minister'd give his consent.
"She said 't Mr. Fisher felt jus' 's she did too, 'cause he'd neverbeen so happy 's he's been since he's had John Bunyan to teach thefancy principles o' plain things to. Mr. Fisher come up jus' 's shegot through, 'n' he said whatever she'd said he'd stand to, foralthough John Bunyan was nothin' but a darn fool now, he had themakin' of a man in him, 'n' he--Mr. Fisher--was jus' the one to bringhim out.
"The crowd was gettin' so big 't folks began to climb up on things tosee over, 'n' the horse was some restless, so Mr. Kimball got up onthe edge o' the waterin'-trough an' said, 'Three cheers for theminister, 'n' may he never know how glad the town is to see him back,''n' then every one cheered, 'n' Mr. Kimball begin to shake, 'n' jus''s the minister drove off he missed his hold 'n' fell into thewaterin'-trough, 'n' I didn't feel no kind o' interest in lookin' onat his fishin' out, so I come away."
"I hope--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
"I do too," rejoined her friend, "but there ain't no danger. It wasthe edge bein' so slippery 't let him fall in, 'n' I don't wish toseem revengeful, but I mus' say, Mrs. Lathrop, that if anythin' could'a' made a nice end to the minister's vacation, it was the seein' Mr.Kimball get soaked, f'r he ain't had no kind o' sufferin' with it all'n' has just everlastingly enjoyed kitin' around the outside 'n'seein' other folks in trouble. 'N' I've no sympathy with such a naturewhen it does fall into a waterin'-trough, 'n' so I come home."
Miss Clegg ceased speaking.
Mrs. Lathrop chewed her clover.
