"I'm not going to push it. If I get over Camille and you get over your...thing...we'll reconvene."
I stared at him in disbelief. "You weren't just saying that to Constance. We were really having a meeting."
"So?"
"This isn't something you can outline, Thomas. You can't tell me how it's going to go down, and we're not going to reconvene about progress. That's not how it works."
"It's how we work."
"That's ridiculous. You're ridiculous."
"Maybe, but we're the same, Liis. That's why it didn't work out with other people. I'm not going to let you run away, and you're not going to put up with my shit. We can think about whether or not it's efficient to be together until we retire, or we can just accept it now. The fact is, we plan things, we organize, we control."
I swallowed.
Thomas pointed to the wall. "Before you, I was a lonely workaholic, and even though you had someone, so were you. But you and I can make this work. It makes complete sense for us to be together. When you tell Mr. Ninja out there to kick rocks, let me know, and I'll take you to dinner. Then, I'm going to kiss you again and not because I'm distraught."
I swallowed. I tried to keep my voice from wavering as I said, "Good. It's a little disconcerting to be kissed when you're distraught over another woman."
"It won't happen again."
"Make sure that it doesn't."
"Yes, ma'am." He opened the door, walked through, and closed it.
I fell into my chair, taking deep breaths to calm myself. What the hell just happened?
"HI," JACKSON SAID FROM THE LOVE SEAT in the small waiting area down the hall. He stood, towering over me. "You look beautiful. California looks good on you."
I tilted my head to the side, offering an appreciative grin. "It's only been a few weeks."
He looked down. "I know."
"How are your parents?"
"Dad just got over a cold. Mom swore that if I brought you flowers, you'd change your mind."
I pulled my mouth to the side. "Let's take a walk."
Jackson followed me to the elevator. I pushed the button for the first floor, and we rode in silence.
When the doors slid open again, the lobby was bustling with activity. First thing in the morning, agents were either coming in or leaving to conduct interviews, to go to the courthouse, or to do the hundreds of other tasks that fell in the spectrum of our duties. Visitors were getting checked in, and a small group of junior high children were beginning a tour.
We walked together toward the backside of the building, and I pushed open the double doors that led to the courtyard. Nestled between the two buildings was a beautiful sitting area with patio furniture, river rocks, patches of green fescue, and a monument for fallen agents. I'd always wanted to spend a few minutes there to gather my thoughts or just sit in the quiet, but between lunch dates with Val and fitness-room time with Thomas, I hadn't really found a spare moment.
Jackson sat in one of the cushioned wicker love seats. I stood in front of him, fidgeting. We didn't speak for nearly a minute, and then I finally took a breath.
"Why didn't you call first?" I asked.
"You would have told me not to come." His voice was pitifully sad.
"But you came anyway," I said, squinting from the bright morning sun.
When Jackson bent over and held his forehead in his hands, I was glad we were alone.
I took a step back, afraid for a second that he might cry.
"I haven't been handling this well, Liisee. I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I had a meltdown at work."
His nickname for me made me cringe. It wasn't his fault. I'd never told him that I hated it. Seeing him so vulnerable when he was usually in command of his emotions made me uncomfortable, and my guilt compiled it tenfold.
Jackson wasn't a bad guy. But falling out of love with him had made everything he did grotesque to me, and the harder I'd tried to feel different, the more I couldn't stand him.
"Jackson, I'm at work. You can't do this here."
He looked up at me. "I'm sorry. I just meant to ask you to lunch."
I sighed and sat next to him. "I hate that you're hurting. I wish I felt different, but I...just don't. I gave it a year, like I promised."
"But maybe if I--"
"It's nothing you did. It's not even something you didn't do. We just don't work."
"You work for me."
I put my hand on his back. "I'm sorry. I really, truly am. But what we had is over."
"You don't miss me at all?" he asked.
His body was so much larger than mine that he shaded me from the sun.
I remembered seeing him at training. The other female trainees had thought he was so attractive and sweet. And he was. After all their efforts to catch Jackson Schultz, I'd managed to catch him with no effort at all. He was attracted to confidence and brilliance, he'd said. And I had both.
Here he was, begging me to want him, when he could walk out of here and make a number of women swoon, women who would love him and appreciate his bad habits along with the traits that I'd fallen in love with.
After some hesitation, I decided the truth wasn't pleasant, but it was necessary. I simply shook my head.
"Holy shit." He laughed once without humor. "Did you move out here for someone? It's not my business, I understand that, but I still gotta know."
"Absolutely not."
He nodded, satisfied. "Well, my plane doesn't leave until Wednesday. I guess there are worse places to be stuck."
"Can you change your flight?" I'd known before I asked that he wouldn't.
Not only was Jackson terrible at letting go, he was also completely helpless at things like changing a plane ticket, making reservations, or scheduling appointments. I was sure his mother had taken care of his travel arrangements for him to even come here.
"The Top Gun bar is here. You'd really like it," I said.
"Yeah." He chuckled. "That sounds pretty great."
"I'll walk you out. I'm really...I'm just sorry, Jackson."
"Yeah. Me, too."
I guided him across the lawn and back into the main building. He didn't say a single word as we walked across the lobby and to the entrance.
"I just...I have to say it once...before I leave. I love you."
I kissed his cheek. "Thank you. I don't deserve that, but thank you."
He smirked. "I know you can handle that jerk-off upstairs, but if it gets old, you can always come home."
I snickered. "He's not a problem."
"Good-bye, Liis." Jackson kissed my forehead and turned, pushing through the door.
I took a deep breath and suddenly felt exhausted.
Trudging back into the elevator, I leaned against the back wall until the chime signaled that I was at my floor, and then I stepped out into the hallway, forcing one foot in front of the other.
"Liis?" Marks called as I passed his office. "Get in here."
I stopped and turned around, surprised at the gratefulness I felt for the invitation. I slumped in his chair. "What?"
He raised an eyebrow, momentarily halting the continuous clicking on his keyboard. "I told you. You're trouble."
"What makes you say that?" I asked.
"Everybody can tell that he's different. He's practically happy when you're around."
"I'm missing why that makes me trouble."
"Is your ex staying with you for a few days?"
"Of course not."
"Why not?"
I sat up. "Do you make a habit of asking questions that are none of your damn business?"
"Let me guess. You transferred here to get away from him? You told Tommy you were emotionally unavailable, and now, he's chasing you because you turned him down. Only this isn't a game to you. You really aren't available."
I rolled my eyes and sat back. "Let's not pretend he doesn't have issues of his own."
"Exactly. So, why don't you both make it easier on this department and knock it the hell o
ff?"
"You have your own problems. Concentrate on those instead of mine." I stood.
"I saw what it did to him...when Camille left the last time. It was even worse when he came back after Trent and Cami's car accident. Cami chose Trent, but Tommy has never stopped loving her. I'm not trying to be a dick here, Liis, but he's my friend. I might be in your business, but Tommy was different after he'd lost Cami--and not for the better. He's just now showing signs of the man he used to be before she broke his heart."
"Tommy?" I said, unimpressed.
Marks craned his neck at me. "Is that all you got out of everything I just told you? This isn't a pissing match, Liis. I'm not trying to take him from you. I'm trying to save him from you."
As bitter as it tasted, I tried to swallow the shame. My struggle was clear because the anger in Marks's eyes vanished.
"I can appreciate that you're committed to the job and that you're focused," he said. "But if you can't find a way to love the job and him, too...just don't fuck him over while you're trying to figure out if you've got a heart."
The shame was quickly replaced by anger. "Eat shit, Marks," I said before leaving his office.
I buzzed myself through the security door and marched to my office.
"Lindy," Agent Sawyer began.
"Not now," I said before slamming the door to my office to make a point.
Once again, I was in my chair with the back facing the glass wall. The blinds were closed from when Thomas had been in here before, but I still needed to feel the tall back between me and the squad room.
After a small knock on the door, it opened. By the lack of greeting and the sound of someone sitting in the club chair, I knew it could only be Val.
"Fuzzy's today?"
"Not today. I definitely need to spend my lunch hour in the fitness room."
"Okay."
I spun around. "That's it? No interrogation?"
"I don't have to. I've been watching you all morning. First, you hide in here, and Maddox runs in after you. Then, your ex shows up, and Maddox is up here, yelling at everyone like he used to." She waggled her eyebrows. "He's got it bad."
I looked away. "I just broke Jackson's heart--again. What the hell was I thinking? I knew something had happened to Thomas. Hell, you told me on day one he'd been burned. Marks is right."
Val stiffened. "What did Marks say?"
"That I should stay away from Thomas. That I couldn't commit to Jackson, and it's likely that I can't commit to anyone else."
Val made a face. "You're lying. He isn't that much of a brazen dick."
"He is when it comes to me. And to clarify, yes, I was paraphrasing."
"Then, those are your fears talking. But if you like Maddox, Liis, don't let a failed relationship govern your next one. Just because you didn't love Jackson doesn't mean you can't love Maddox."
"He still loves her," I said, not trying to hide the wounded tone in my voice.
"Camille? She was the one who got away, Liis. He'll probably always love her."
A sick feeling came over me, and I curled my shoulders inward, feeling actual physical pain seeping all the way into my bones.
We haven't known each other for that long. Why do I have such strong feelings for him?
I couldn't ask that though. It made me too vulnerable, made me feel too weak.
I spoke aloud the only question I could, "Do you think he can love two people?"
"Can you love one?" she snapped back.
I shook my head, touching my fingers to my lips.
Val had no sympathy in her eyes. "You're really kind of bringing this on yourself. Be with him or not. But Marks is right. Don't fuck with Maddox's emotions. I realize you told him once that you're emotionally unavailable, but you're behaving differently."
"Because I like him. I think I more than like him. But I don't want to."
"Then, be straight with him, and don't give him mixed signals."
"It's hard not to when that's all I've got going on here," I said, motioning to the space between my head and heart.
She shook her head. "I understand that, but you're going to have to make a decision and stick with it, or you'll just look like a bitch."
I sighed. "I don't have time for this. I have a job to do."
"Then, get your shit straight, and do it." Val stood up and left my office without another word.
I sat at my desk, my hands folded, as I glared down at them. She was right. Marks was right. Jackson was right. Not only was I in no position to experiment with my commitment phobia, but also, Thomas was definitely not the guy to try it with.
I stood and made my way to Constance's desk. Unsure if I was breathless or just nervous, I asked to see Special Agent Maddox.
"He's in his office," Constance said without checking her earpiece. "Go right in."
"Thank you," I said, breezing past her.
"Hey," Thomas said, standing and smiling the moment he recognized who was barging in.
"I can't...do this. The date. I'm sorry."
Thomas's guard instantly flew up, and I hated myself for it.
"Did you change your mind about Jackson?" he asked.
"No! No...I'm...not sure I feel any different about relationships than I did when I left Chicago, and I don't think it's fair to you to try."
Thomas's shoulders relaxed. "That's it? That's your spiel?"
"Huh?"
"Unless you can look me in the eye right now and tell me you didn't like it when I kissed you this morning, I'm not buying it."
"I...you..." That wasn't the response I'd expected. "You've had your heart broken. I just broke someone's heart."
Thomas shrugged. "He wasn't right for you."
He walked around his desk and toward me. I took several slow small steps backward until my backside was touching the massive conference table.
Thomas leaned in, just inches from my face.
I recoiled. "We have an assignment next week, sir. We should probably focus on a game plan."
He closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose. "Please stop calling me sir."
"Why does it bother you so much now?"
"It doesn't bother me." He shook his head, scanning over my face with such longing I couldn't move. "Our assignment is to pose as a couple."
His minty breath was warm on my cheek. The need to turn and feel his mouth on mine was so urgent that my chest ached.
"Since when did you start calling me sir again?"
I looked up at him. "Since now. The attraction is obvious, but--"
"That's an understatement. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see you walking around the office in a skirt, knowing you never wear panties?"
I puffed out a breath. "There is something between us. I'm aware. We slept together less than twenty minutes after we'd met, for Christ's sake. But I'm trying to do you a favor. Do you hear me? I want this to be very clear. I like you...a lot. I admit it. But I suck at relationships. More importantly, I don't want you to get hurt again. And...neither do your friends."
Thomas smirked. "You've been talking to Marks, haven't you?"
"I'm also trying to spare us the squad-room theatrics that we both know will come if this doesn't work out."
"Are you saying I'm dramatic?"
"Temperamental," I clarified. "And I can't follow through. We were doomed from the start."
"You stayed with Jackson for how many years after you had known you didn't want to marry him?"
"Too many," I said, ashamed.
Thomas watched me for a moment, analyzing me. I hated that feeling. The power and control that came with being on the other side was much more preferable.
"You're scared," he said. His words were gentle, understanding.
"Aren't you?" I asked, looking up, straight into his beautiful hazel eyes.
He bent down and kissed the corner of my mouth, lingering there for a while, savoring it. "What are you scared of?" he whispered, cupping my elbows.
"The truth?"
He nodded, his eyes closed, his nose tracing my jaw.
"In a few days, you're going to see Camille, and you'll be heartbroken. I won't like it, and neither will the office."
"You think I'm going to get hurt and start being an angry asshole again?"
"Yes."
"You're wrong. I'm not going to lie. It won't be fun. I'm not going to enjoy it. But...I don't know. Things don't seem as hopeless as they did before." He intertwined his fingers with mine and squeezed. He looked so relieved, so happy to be saying these things out loud. He didn't seem to be nervous or afraid at all. "And you're right. We need to focus and finish this assignment to ensure that Trav gets out of trouble. By then, maybe you can let go of this ridiculous notion that you can't be successful at both your career and a relationship, and once we've both got a clear conscience, you can decide if we're going on that date or not."
I frowned.
He chuckled, touching his thumb to my chin. "What now?"
"I'm not sure. Something's not right. You're too okay about this."
"Talk to Val. Ask her if I'm lying."
"She doesn't work like that."
"Yes, she does. Ask her." I opened my mouth to speak, but he pressed my lips closed with his thumb. "Ask her."
I leaned away. "Fine. Have a good day, sir."
"Don't call me sir. I want you out of the habit before we go to the ceremony."
"Agent Maddox," I said before walking quickly from his office.
"I don't like that either," he called after me.
A wide grin spread across my face. I looked over at Constance as I passed, and she was smiling, too.
VAL HELD THE WINE GLASS TO HER LIPS. Her legs were stretched out across my couch in her charcoal-gray lounge pants, and she had on a light-blue T-shirt that read, WELL, THE PATRIARCH ISN'T GOING TO FUCK ITSELF.
"It's been over three weeks," she said, her thoughts as deep as they could be while floating in wine. She held the corkscrew like a weapon between her fingers, but then she crossed her legs like a lady.
"What's your point?" I asked.
"He's just so...I don't want to say he's in love. It's a little premature for that. But he's so...in love."
"You're absurd."
"What about you?" she asked.
"I like him," I said after a little thought. "A lot." There was no point in lying to Val.
"What is that like? To actually like Thomas Maddox? I've hated him for so long that it's so foreign. To me, he's not really human."
"Maybe that's what I like."
"Lie."
"I meant that he does have a human side, and I like that I'm the only one he allows to see it. It's sort of our secret--something he keeps just for me."
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