The wedding arrangements carry on a-pace, without any help from me. Every day Mother puts something new in my ‘bottom drawer’, which has now grown to my bottom 3 drawers! Because of rationing we’re saving up our stamps, although the wedding dress had us stumped for a while. I wasn’t keen on the idea of using parachute silk to make a dress, but then Joshua floated the idea of me wearing his mother’s wedding dress. To be honest I wasn’t convinced, but after a couple of fittings with a dressmaker and a change or two to the style, I have to admit it’s rather beautiful. I must close my mind to the fact that it’s yet another thing that comes from Joshua’s family. I was rather concerned that Mother would be upset by the majority of the wedding being paid for by the Deans and now the wedding dress being supplied by them as well. But when I tentatively broached the subject, she brushed my objections aside. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers,’ she said. ‘After all we’re all still recovering from the war, so it makes sense to be glad of what you are being given.’
I rather fear that her pride at her daughter having a big white wedding, is winning out over the practice that the bride’s mother and father should pay for it all. Anyway, I’m just keeping my mouth shut and letting everyone else run around making decisions. No one takes any notice of my opinion, so I’ve decided not to bother even giving one.
Wish me well, I’m going to need it!
Anne.
32
Anne
April 1950
Dear Ada,
Well, here are copies of the wedding photos for you. They are pretty standard fare. Posed and formal. There were no bridesmaids (I didn’t have anyone I wanted as you were in the US) nor little pageboys. So it’s just Joshua and I in the photos and we then had some taken with my parents and some with his. I did try to smile as the photographer pressed the button on the camera, but it seems to have come across a bit wonky. I guess that just about sums up my wedding and marriage – a bit wonky!
One of the photographs ended up in the local paper with an article about how the big wig factory owner married his childhood sweetheart. I’m afraid that strays into the realm of fairy tale rather than reality. But Joshua was pleased and asked that I put a copy of it in the back of the wedding album. At first I thought that was for sentimental reasons, but then when he asked me to make sure I got the local paper every week and cut out any news items on Dean Engineering, I rather think its because he gets pleasure from the publicity for the company.
Mind you, Joshua seems nice enough. He runs a big factory on his own now as his father is dead, which takes up most of his time. So at the moment I’m rattling around this big house (or at least it seems big to me) wondering what to do with myself. Nothing really needs changing or redecorating and the housekeeper keeps a tight rein on things. She clearly doesn’t like me and is determined I’ll not usurp her position by delving into the household accounts, or by choosing my own menus. She’s been with the family for years, as she ran the household for his parents and therefore nothing I can do or say will make any difference to her. She listens politely to any suggestions I make, and then totally ignores them.
To be honest she’s welcome to the job, I can’t seem to summon up any enthusiasm for it. I’m feeling a bit lethargic at the moment and can’t get rid of this irritating nausea, which is worse in the morning and makes me feel pretty horrible during the day. It’s probably just a bug and nothing worth worrying about.
I hope all is well with you!
Your loving friend, Anne.
33
Anne
June 1951
Dear Ada
Many congrats on your pregnancy! I’ve got news as well, I’m expecting too! It must have happened on one of our rare times together, as Joshua generally doesn’t take much notice of me! At least now I’ll have something to do at home, bringing up our child. Joshua is thrilled, as he says he must have an heir for the business. Always assuming we have a boy that is! That’s all he seems to care about. The business. It’s a bit of a cold attitude if you ask me. But he’s nice enough and is very polite with me, it’s just that we just don’t seem to connect somehow.
Still I mustn’t complain. I’ve a roof over my head, food on my table and not much to tax me apart from the vexing problems of making sure I’ve invited anyone who’s anyone to afternoon tea that week!
I must confess that I do still think of Memphis and my beautiful little girl. I cry when the house is empty and there’s just me in it. I get out Memphis’ photograph from where I’ve hidden it under the floor boards in my bedroom and look at it for hours at a time. I can still feel my little daughter in my arms and the horrific way they tore her from me.
But I can never mention their names or talk about them to anyone, only to you and then only by letter. I miss you terribly as well. I miss my job at the factory and all the girl friends I had then. The work might have been hard, smelly and hazardous but at least it was work. It kept me occupied. Gave me purpose. A reason for getting up in the morning.
I hadn’t realised how much I’d enjoyed being away from home, working and earning my own money. Having that level of independence, until I lost it. Oh well, I expect I’m not the only woman who feels like this. It’s just that sometimes when Joshua has gone to work, and the housekeeper is upstairs with the cleaner doing the bedrooms, I look around the empty rooms, which have become a metaphor for my empty life and I wonder how I ended up here.
Xxx
34
Anne
Jan 1953
Dear Ada,
Thank you for the picture of your beautiful baby boy Paul. He is adorable! You must be so happy and so proud. In return, here’s a picture of my Paul. They say he’s a lovely bouncing boy and how lucky I am. But all I feel is sore down there, I have cracked and sore nipples and burst into tears at the slightest of thing. Honestly at times I feel like I’m going mad!
Mother says I need to get out more, but where to? We live outside the town in a large house with a large garden. No, to be fair it’s set in large grounds. Several acres apparently. I don’t care about things like that, but of course, Joshua does. It’s too far to walk into town on my own, let alone whilst pushing a pram as well. Also we live on an incline, so even if I got down without killing myself or the baby, I’d have real trouble pushing Paul all the way back up the hill. I plucked up the courage once to ask if we could move. But Joshua said we had to live there, it was the house he had built for me. He was so cross with me that he immediately turned on his heel and left the house. He didn’t come back for 36 hours, as a way of punishing me. But he didn’t have the house built for me. Not really. He had it built for himself. He wanted a house befitting a factory owner and one that he could stand in the grounds of and look down on the town. Look down on his employees and even the local notaries.
As for me, all I can think about is that Paul’s not my lovely baby girl, who is living her life God knows where, not knowing that her mother’s heart broke when she was taken away and has never recovered. I just can’t seem to care about anything. Nor to get interested in anything. I try and do what is expected of me, but there’s no emotion behind it. No bond between me and the baby. No bond between me and Joshua. No bond between me and mother. No feeling at all for anyone, apart from Memphis and our lost baby.
I’m exhausted all the time and spend hours lying on my bed with the baby beside me in his cot, hoping to God that he doesn’t wake up and want more from me than I can give. I hope this debilitating depression passes soon. I wasn’t particularly happy before the birth, but at least I wasn’t in the thrall of this awful sadness.
I will write again soon when I can summon the energy.
Xxx
35
Holly looked at her three colleagues sitting in Anderson’s office, waiting for her to start speaking. She pulled at her plaits (which didn’t help), stuffed her hands into two of the many pockets in her trousers, but that only made her feel as though she were about to fall over, as she started swaying with anxie
ty. It was really stupid, she knew that. Put her in front of a computer screen and a keyboard and she was a whiz that few could emulate. But put her in front of people and she became tongue tied and embarrassed.
‘Okay, Hols, over to you,’ said Ciaran and sent her a reassuring smile.
Holly nodded, cleared her throat and started. ‘Okay, this is what I’ve found out. There are copies of the genealogical tree I’ve done so far for you, so you don’t need to remember everyone in the tree at the moment. The main points are as follows.
‘As you can see, Edward Dean founded and ran Dean Engineering. The company made a lot of money from making weapons during WWII for the allies, while his son Joshua Dean was away fighting. On demob Joshua re-joined the company and worked with his father Edward. Paul married Anne Clements in 1950. They had three children, Paul, Kevin and Anne. In the intervening years, the company went from strength to strength, as it kept up to date with trends and manufacturing processes. Joshua died in 1987 and Anne their mother in 1990. Dean Engineering is now run by his children and owned equally between Paul, Kevin and Jill. Or at least it was until Kevin and Jill died. Their two thirds of the company went to Paul as their surviving sibling, not to their own children. It won’t be until Paul dies that Maggie and Reece will inherit the company and own half each.’
‘So basically, at the moment, Paul benefits, but if he dies, or is found guilty of the murder of his siblings, then Reece and Maggie benefit?’
‘Yes, Gov, that’s right,’ Holly replied to Anderson’s theory. ‘But are they killers? Or is Paul? Sorry, Guv, but so far I’ve not found any evidence that would exonerate Paul. I’ve been unable to locate any skeletons in the family cupboard.’
‘Well keep trying.’
Holly nodded and blew out her cheeks, glad that her presentation was over and she could scurry back to her cubby-hole and her computers.
***
Anderson had listened to Holly’s findings with growing depression. It wasn’t the news he was hoping to hear. But still, he wasn’t going to let anyone off the hook and was determined to try and turn it around.
‘Okay, so who benefits if Paul dies or is found guilty of murder?’ Anderson asked a rhetorical question. ‘He has no children of his own or a wife, so it goes to the children of his siblings, Reece Dean and Maggie Dean. I want them looked at more closely.’
Anderson stopped and scowled as Crane exhaled loudly. ‘Again?’
‘Yes, Crane. Again. Did Reece or Maggie kill for their inheritance? Do they need/want the money for anything? Come on team, we can do better than this,’ Anderson said.
‘Yes, but Paul is still the prime suspect, as Ciaran hasn’t been able to come up with anything on Maggie and Reece so far,’ said Crane. ‘And at the moment, Derek, you’re unable to persuade me otherwise.’
‘What about their alibis?’ Anderson rounded on Ciaran.
‘I’ve double checked their alibis, and both are accounted for around the times of the murders. Reece was on a shoot in Shar m Sheik and Maggie was working at Whipsnade Zoo, where she’d just accompanied two rescued elephants from somewhere in India and was helping introduce them to the new herd and to settle them into the zoo.’
‘Is there no way Maggie could have come down at night and killed Jill and Kevin?’
‘No, she was there 24/7 helping, and why would she? From what we can gather she’s not the slightest bit interested in the company. And Reece is too full of himself to even think about running an engineering company.’
‘Does he need money?’
‘No way, he earns six figures per photo shoot or catwalk appearance as it is!’
Crane said, ‘Bloody hell not a bad job if you can get it.’
‘What about Maggie?’ Anderson continued to plug away. ‘Wouldn’t she want the money to help her animals and charities?’
‘She says not, it’s more about personal hands on stuff for her. She just isn’t interested in money.’
‘Yes, but she needs some to live on.’
‘I thought about that, Gov,’ said Ciaran, ‘so I checked. She has an allowance from Jill of £1,000 per month, which will continue despite her mother’s death. She lives at home, has simple needs and the charity pays for her to travel to collect animals. You’ve seen the way she dresses, she’s just not materialistic. And she’s devastated at the loss of her mother. They were very close. Best friends, really. Despite having different values if you like. They tolerated each other’s differences.’
‘Was Reece close to his dad?’
‘No, he doesn’t seem to have been. Came home for family gatherings when he was expected to and there were no big arguments or anything that we’ve been able to uncover. I think he’s more interested in being able to bag the next cover. He seems pretty self-absorbed if you ask me.’
All of that wasn’t what Anderson had hoped to hear. The team seemed certain of Paul’s guilt and Anderson wasn’t sure what he could do about it. Could it be the end for his friend?
36
Anne
December 1954
Dear Ada
Kevin has finally arrived! He was weeks late and then when it was time, he came in such a rush and hurry I barely got to the hospital in time. Joshua was busy at the factory, as usual, but mum came with me, so I wasn’t alone. Everyone’s delighted of course, including Joshua who’s over the moon that he has another son. Personally, I’d have liked a daughter, and would be happy to try for a third child, but Joshua says two is enough thank you very much, what with the cost of babies these days.
At least I don’t have that awful depression this time. I’m not sure how I survived that last bout with my sanity intact. I’m sure Joshua was about to put me into a mental hospital, as he was beginning to lose patience with me. I managed to pull it round with the help of our local GP, who has been so good to me. It was down to all his extra visits and time spent talking to me that helped me through. Joshua said he didn’t have the time to talk to me, that the company had to come first, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to live in a house such as this and our children wouldn’t get a good education. He kept reminding me of everything I had to be grateful for. I’m sure he was right, but at the time none of that seemed important when I couldn’t even summon up the energy to raise my head from the pillow. There just didn’t seem any point.
Still, enough of my moaning. I hope all is well with you. It’s looking less and less likely that I’ll be able to come and visit. Joshua says I can’t travel with the children being so little as I’m needed at home. I’m sure he’s right, but it does make me yearn for the old days when I was working, had my own money and my independence. I should have come to see you before I started having children, but Joshua had said what with the expense of the wedding there wasn’t any spare money for taking jaunts to America. I wondered if I could save some money from the housekeeping Joshua gives me. That way he wouldn’t be aware of what I’m doing and planning. Mind you it could take a very long time, Joshua is well aware of the price of everything and only gives me just what he thinks I need. And there’s the housekeeper to factor in. She’s very loyal to Joshua having been in the Dean household all her working life. So I guess you won’t be seeing me anytime soon.
In the meantime, I’ll have your lovely, warm, friendly letters to look forward to. Don’t ever stop writing!
Take care of yourself.
Warmest wishes, Anne.
37
Anne
August 1958
Dear Ada ,
I managed it! I’m pregnant again! I do hope I get my little girl. I’m praying and praying. I know that does no good, but I’m willing to try anything! Ah, I hear you say, I know what this is all about. But it’s not the case. Not really. I’m not trying to replace my beautiful girl, honestly. But I must admit to maybe trying to redress the balance a little. By giving another little girl a home when I didn’t manage it the first time around.
Joshua gave me the cold shoulder a little when I first told him I was p
regnant again. He hissed that he’d instructed me to not let this happen. I had to retort that I wasn’t one of his employees that he could order around. I was his wife. And getting pregnant had nothing to do with either him or me, but was determined by nature and the Lord. And if He wanted us to have another child, so be it.
He snorted and harrumphed a little, but has been the perfect gentleman since. The trouble is I don’t want a perfect gentleman, I want a husband. Someone to share the joys in life with, not someone so self-absorbed and absorbed in the company as if it was the only thing in his life.
Oh, he’s spending time with the boys, of course, but mostly he takes them to the factory and shows them around, shows them off to the employees and makes sure they realise that there’s only one thing that’s important and that’s Dean Engineering. He parades them in front of his best customers and even the bank manager – to show what a perfect family he has. Well we might be perfect on the outside, but on the inside there’s nothing. No love, no joy. A total absence of feeling really.
A Grave Death Page 8
