by K. C. RILEY
People from the party were recording me on their phones and the reality smacked me back into my body fast.
The stranger lunged at the crowd smashing what phones he could grab to the ground. “Get out,” he yelled.
The humiliation continued to burn and spread like a forest fire. And Meghan and her two friends had witnessed the whole thing. The scowl look and stupid grins on their faces said it all.
I was mortified.
“Let us through. Get out of the way.” Cassie and Josie’s voices cut through the crowd.
From there on, everything was one big blur.
The last thing I remembered was looking back into the stranger’s eyes. There was something old and ancient about them. And yet, something darkly beautiful.
Cassie and Josie shouldered me out of the bathroom, out of the house, and into the car.
The grip of the stranger’s hands at the sides of my arms, his eyes, and the way he stood up for me, it all raced through my head on the ride home like one mental rollercoaster rolling into another. I had almost kissed him. Me. And what about seeing my mom at the party, or the shadow and the kid that were in the bathroom? I was coming unhinged. Again.
No one said a word, and thank God. The last thing I wanted to do was talk. My hands trembled at the thought of having to go back to Crown Hill. I held them tighter as the anxiety continued to claw its way deeper into my skin. In the course of three hours, I managed to not only pour punch onto the designated school bitch, but I also decided to have a psychotic breakdown in front of everyone. If that video got out, it would be there for the entire world to see. Forever.
I felt horrible for embarrassing Cassie and Josie. And was sure they probably hated me by now. Who could blame them?
The closer we got to All Saints, the louder the whispers returned.
The night continued to play itself over and over in my head, a nagging feeling that sprouted from the pit of my stomach. Boyd’s comment. So this is the new girl. Meghan’s comment. Let me guess. You’re the new girl. It was more so how they said it. Like they knew something I hadn’t. Even the stranger knew my name. But how?
It then dawned on me how much of an idiot I was. “You guys knew about me before I got here, didn’t you?”
Cassie and Josie hemmed and hawed.
“I knew it. Does everyone know?” Heat surged through my face.
“About the institution?” And there it was, straight from Josie’s lips.
“Josie,” Cassie scolded.
“What, she asked? She has a right to know.”
“Is that why you guys have been so nice to me? Charity?”
The girls went quiet. Another confirmation.
On top of being humiliated. I had been duped. “Awesome. Pull over.”
“What?” Josie asked.
“Pull over and let me out.” I couldn’t breathe.
“Are you crazy? It’s still another mile to school.”
Cassie whispered to Josie. “Not the best choice of words.”
“No. She’s right,” I said. “That’s exactly what I am. Crazy. But you already knew that. Are you going to let me out or not?” At that moment, I didn’t care if it was another mile. I just wanted to be alone.
Josie gave up and pulled the car over. “Fine.”
I got out and slammed the door. I was so angry at everything, Mom’s accident, the institution, the entire night. I needed some time to cool off. Even if it meant standing on the side of a dark road in the middle of nowhere.
Cassie rolled down her window before they drove away. “Be careful. And at least text when you get in.”
I sort of nodded.
Mom always said I was more stubborn than a horse. I guess she was right, because it only took minutes to realize that walking back to school in the dark may not have been the best idea.
Thunder cracked as Josie’s taillights disappeared into the black of the night. And it wasn’t long before the cold droplets that plummeted on my head turned to a pouring rain.
I put my hood on and held my hands under my arms. All I could do was cry the rest of the way home.
Minutes of walking in the rain felt more like hours. And thinking about what had happened in Zander’s house only made things worse. Soaked to the bone, I saw the lights from the castle shining over the hill and picked up the pace.
The sound of a car coming up from behind made me step off the road.
The car flew past me through a puddle that flooded over my head like a tsunami.
“Loser,” they yelled out throwing an empty crushed beer can at me.
“Asshole!” I yelled back.
With another breath, I was almost there. All I wanted to do was go to my room and cry. I hugged myself tighter and went back to sniffling when someone called out from behind me. His voice was muffled by the rain hitting the pavement. What idiot, other than myself, would be out on the road in the middle of nowhere on a rainy night?
“Daughter of Cain?” a man yelled out.
Shivering, I shined the light of my phone in his direction. I could barely see through the falling rain, but he looked like an older Caucasian guy in a soaked black hoodie. I instantly froze. Maybe he was a crazy person. And yes, I said it. But then another part of me thought maybe he needed help. “Excuse me?”
“Witch,” he said.
Then again. Maybe not.
That was the last thing I heard before he pulled out a gun and shot it at me.
Something hot pierced my side. With my hand at my stomach, I collapsed to the ground. Everything dimmed fast as I fell unconscious.
Somewhere between what felt like this world and the next, I heard the sound of a large bird swooping down. No. Bigger than large. Huge. The screams of a man begging for his life cut through the pitter-patter of the rain.
A warm sensation soon tingled through my body and the air around me. I could barely open my eyes. Someone or something was hovering over me, their face radiating like the sun. It was too bright to see clearly.
Out of it, I mumbled something unintelligible as I moaned in pain.
The stranger of light placed his hands over my wound, and my body heated like hot lava from the inside out. I sighed deeply as the fire dispersed from my body.
The stranger scooped me up into his arms. And maybe it was the blood loss talking, but in the next moment, I could have sworn we were…flying.
3
The sun was barely up. I rolled over, checked my phone, and yawned alongside the crowing of a rooster. Really? I rolled back over and put the pillow over my head to go back to sleep. Five minutes later, it crowed again.
“You’ve got to be kidding.” It wasn’t giving up.
I rolled onto my back and it wasn’t until then that I could feel the weight that sat at my chest. Aside from my debut performance from the previous night, I had treated the girls like crap. The guilt wedged its way into my throat as I swallowed. Who asked them to be nice or to feel sorry for me? I didn’t need their charity.
I tried deciphering how I had gotten back to school last night. It was all still a blur. I remembered being mad, getting out of Josie’s car, walking in the rain until I was almost back, and then standing in the doorway at school as the rain poured on my head.
But what had happened in between the points of almost being back and then actually being here? The only logical explanation for everything was the punch and I was never drinking again.
Sitting up, I rested my head in my hands, and sighed at the thought of having to face my first day of class.
I thought about shrinking back into my bed, pulling the covers over my head, and telling the school nurse I had bronchitis. Then I thought about being locked away at Crown Hill again. Me in a straitjacket was not a good look. Regardless of making a fool of myself, All Saints was still a chance to start over.
That’s it, I thought. Positive thinking.
I reached over to the night stand and grabbed a pink journal with rhinestones one of the counselors at Crown Hill ha
d given me as a going away present. The book was filled with daily life affirming questions, along with a place for me to write down my deepest inner thoughts and the answers to them.
So far, I hadn’t written a thing. I turned to day three.
Day 3: Just for today, who do you want to be, and what do you want to create?
Maybe I was too hungover. After spending a few minutes with it, I still had no clue.
I couldn’t focus and the questions were only frustrating me. I opted for something else instead, a run.
I hopped out of bed when my foot kicked something across the floor. I looked down to see the stuffed rabbit from the night before, except this time it was dry. Everyone knew about the institution. What if last night was all a prank on the crazy new girl? What if they spiked my drink and it was all a hallucination?
I peeped out my door and looked both ways down the hall. There was no way anyone had gotten into my room. My door was locked. My eyes then slowly drifted to the opened window. As I held the rabbit in my hand, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the students of All Saints were sending me a message, loud and clear. They didn’t want me here.
I thought about the journal question again.
Just for today, who do you want to be, and what do you want to create?
Hmmm. “Someone strong and not afraid,” I whispered to myself.
My inner sergeant started rallying my nerves. I am confident. I am strong. I can do this. I am confident. I am strong. I can do this.
It was a great pep talk even if it all felt like the biggest lie on the planet.
I sunk back in the bed, sighed, and pulled the covers over my head.
How the hell was I supposed to be strong and confident when I didn’t feel strong and confident?
I grumbled and snatched the book off of the nightstand again. This time I flipped from day three, to day four.
Day 4: Fake it until you make it.
And that, I could do.
What was the alternative? Lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself? I knew that road all too well, a crippling spiral that takes you so far down into a hole, it’s almost impossible to ever get out.
Never wanting to go back to that or Crown Hill again, I forced myself out of bed.
First thing was first. I cleaned up the water from the storm at my window. I then threw on my running gear, grabbed my sneakers, my headphones, and dashed out of the room. I had to keep the momentum up. There was an outdoor trail Josie and Cassie had pointed out on the tour that ran through the woods and the lake on campus. It was perfect.
Outside, the air was fresh and crisp against my face. A thin veil of mist lifted from the ground as the sun cracked through the horizon.
With a deep breath, I turned on my cardio playlist and picked up the pace until I could outrun the world. As light broke through the forest leaves, I thought about how Mom had planned to surprise me for my seventeenth birthday with a summer backpacking trip across Spain. We had never been out of the country. And clearly, the suspense had been too much to bear, because she spilled the beans way ahead of time. I had never been so excited. We spent hours combing through all kinds of brochures about Barcelona, Portugal, Madrid, and Valencia. We even started brushing up on our Spanish. She was terrible at it. But, so was I. We mapped out the best places to eat, the best hostels to stay in, what kind of gear we would need, the whole nine yards. The more memories that flooded through my mind, the harder I ran.
With forty minutes eventually down, I was almost back to the dorms when I stopped to lean over onto my knees to catch my breath. I hadn’t run like that in a long time.
It was great to feel good, but feeling good never lasted long.
The image of my mom showing up at Zander’s party slithered into my mind. I couldn’t let go of the feeling that it was really her and not my imagination or some doppelganger. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t help thinking...What if it was possible that she was still alive?
Twigs cracked in the woods and I snapped up.
Crows raced from the trees and squawked like they were running from something and were giving me the same advice. A primal wave of fear rolled through me in a way that made me feel like I was being watched like prey. And that was all I needed to know. I took off top speed and never looked back.
I ran and ran until I shot out of the woods and crashed into someone. Hard. Where did he come from? No one had been in front of me. I looked up to apologize and about choked.
Of all the people to run into. It was Blue Eyes from the night before. The stranger I had almost kissed.
God. Drunk or not, he was more beautiful than I remembered—if that was possible. Even with messy morning hair, he was...perfect.
I wanted to apologize for the night before, embarrassing him, embarrassing myself, but also thank him for what he did, standing up for me. I was about to open my mouth but all of my motor skills had gone straight to hell.
“Whoa, slow down, kid,” he grunted.
I tried not to gawk like an idiot. But it was too late. “Sorry, I ah...” My brain just wasn’t working. Wait. Who was he calling a kid?
“You shouldn’t be out here in the woods running by yourself. It’s not safe. Are you nuts?”
And did he just call me nuts?
He scoffed and walked away before I could say a word. As if on second thought, he turned back around. “And you shouldn’t drink or hang out at frat parties, either. You’re too young.” He scoffed again and walked away.
Was he cracked? The guy couldn’t have been any older than seventeen himself. Nineteen max, and if that was the case, it wasn’t saying very much for his IQ. I would have loved to have voiced every word of it, but my brain was still catching up to my mouth.
With his back to me, he said one more thing. “You don’t belong here. For your own good. Go back to where you came from.”
Wow. The more he opened his big fat mouth the hotter my face got. How could he say that to me or anyone?
The worst part of it was...he was right.
I didn’t belong. Anywhere. I never did. My lip quivered as I swallowed back the tear that wanted to fall. I was not going to cry, at least not in front of this moron. “You know what? You’re a complete ass.” There was more I wanted to say, but my motor skills were still in limbo.
“Whatever,” he said with his back to me.
That only pissed me off more. “Yeah? Well, same to you,” I yelled as he walked away. Who the hell did he think he was?
I placed my headphones back in. A soft meditative voice with wind chimes and birds chirping in the background played.
Let nothing stand in the way of having a great day. Take a deep breath and step into your power. You deserve it.
“Oh, shut up,” I snapped, turning it off.
Back in my room, I laid my uniform out on the bed.
I ran my fingers across the material and sighed. The skirt was navy plaid along with a matching tie and white short-sleeve shirt.
You should go back where you came from.
The words gnawed at my heart like a dog with a bone.
I looked at my wild ragged hair, my Sasquatch eyebrows, and freckled pale skin in the mirror. There was no going back to where I came from and things couldn’t stay the way they were.
I had to do something.
I pulled out a pair of scissors from an unpacked box on the floor. It was clear the day would be full of stares, social trolls, and gossip. I needed to reinvent myself. Fake it, until I could make it.
I loosened my long unruly locks and held the scissors steady in my hand. My mom loved my hair. I hated it, that and my eyebrows. Mom said my hair was the most peculiar color of chestnut brown she’d ever seen, even more so than her own. Something about the way it reflected in the light. No matter. I rolled and twisted it in my hand.
A couple of chops and it was all over. The problem? It was a bad…bad…idea.
The girl on the internet made it look so easy. I should have known better. My head was one
big uneven mess. What was I thinking? And worst case scenario, would I have to shave the whole thing off?
Someone knocked at the door.
I opened it.
Cassie stood in the hall with papers in hand and eyes locked in on my ruined head. “Your class schedule and assignments.”
Aside from the gasp at a haircut gone terribly wrong, the dial down in Cassie’s tone wasn’t awkward at all. Yesterday she was a bubbly ten. And today? An icy two. Guilt pricked at my toes about being a jerk the night before. I prayed to God I wasn’t as bad as the one I had run into only earlier.
“Thought I would try something new,” I said with a weak chuckle.
“Wow. It’s...um...”
“Horrible. I know.”
There was still time to fix it, I thought. Sure, if I believed in angels and miracles.
I paused, not knowing what to say next. “Uh. Sorry about yesterday. Me exploding in the car. I’m not usually like that. I know you guys were only trying to help.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Cassie’s voice was still slightly icy. “Are you okay? I mean aside from the...” She pointed at my head. “... the hair? You were kind of acting weird last night when you got in. You were just sort of mumbling.”
It was all a blur. I barely remembered getting back to my room. “I think I was drunk,” I said. “I don’t usually drink. Actually, I don’t ever drink.”
Cassie’s eyes washed over me over with a sense of suspicion. “Hmmm,” she grunted.
As far as I was concerned, if she knew something, I was all ears.
Cassie motioned to walk away, but then stopped. “You know, you’re not the only one with secrets.” She looked both ways down the hall and stepped closer into the door. With her wrist in one hand, she scrubbed her thumb over the skin. She then did the same with the other to reveal two scars cut across both wrists. “Feeling like you don’t belong, I get it.”
I didn’t know what to say and felt like even more of a heel. She was about to leave when I interrupted. “Hey, would you happen to know anything about hair?”
“Are you asking me for help?”
