by Jay T
“Am I welcome here?” he asks. “With you?”
Part of me softens towards him and part of me wants him to beg. He’s been nothing but a huge ball of confusion in my life and at this particular moment it’s pissing me off.
“I opened my home to all members of the band. I think that includes you,” I say. I guess it’s my turn to be an ass. I should stop.
His face remains unchanged, flat. He shows no emotion.
I can’t read him. Maybe I don’t know him at all.
He walks towards me slowly, never breaking eye contact.
When he’s close enough to touch he whispers, “I said, am I welcome with you?” Emphasis on “with you.” He’s towering over me as I look up into his eyes.
I swallow. My tongue suddenly feels too big for my mouth. I won’t back down though.
This man has caused me so much confusion, I don’t want to let him get away with it.
“I don’t think I’ve ever made you feel unwelcome,” I say quietly.
He takes a step back. Like what I’ve just said shocked him. I immediately regret taking the tone I did. Guess I’m making him feel unwelcome right now.
Somehow this conversation feels like I’m meeting him for the very first time. In a way, I think I might be and it’s going horribly wrong.
“How do I make this better, Eva?” he asks. “Do you want me to go?” He looks deep into my eyes and I can almost see a slight panic hidden there.
How do we make this better? How do we move forward?
“Do you hate me, Evan?” I ask.
I could almost swear he looks shocked for a split second before his emotionless mask crosses back over his face. “I could never hate you.” He takes a step towards me and then another until he’s towering over me again. He reaches his hand to my jaw and touches me gently. My stomach flops with butterflies. There’s something in his eyes that betray him. He’s looking at me like he likes me. “I’m sorry about the other day.”
That’s not good enough. I don’t respond.
He breaks contact with me, takes a step back, and leans against the dryer. I gasp for air I hadn’t realize I was lacking as he folds his arms across his chest. Oh my god, his biceps. “I had it in my head that you wouldn’t want me here. I guess I was expecting you to tell me to go to hell.” He chuckles at his own joke but continues, “I guess I was just bracing for it. I didn’t mean to be such an ass.”
I don’t respond.
“Look, we don’t have to be together or anything. I mean,” he pauses. He doesn’t want to be with me. He’s probably already found someone else. I’ll bet he’s been at her house instead of here with us. “That didn’t come out right.”
“No, Evan, it’s fine.” I hold up my hands for him to stop talking. I don’t think I can hear anymore. I turn for the door and leave before he can finish his thought.
21 evan
I watch Eva as she storms out of the laundry room at. “That really didn’t go well,” I mumble under my breath. I wipe my face with my hands as I try to figure out what to do next.
I gather the snacks I’d purchased from the vending machines and walk to the elevator and punch the button. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have screwed this up worse if I’d tried.
I don’t give myself a chance to hesitate at the apartment door before I knock loudly enough to be heard over Liam and Ryan. Amy opens the door and smiles at me like she feels sorry for me. I wonder what Eva’s already said. Eva’s sitting on the couch beside Robert who has his arm resting on the back of the couch behind her. Is there something happening there? Gut punch.
“You didn’t forget my Twizzlers did you, Anny?” Liam asks as he hops up from his spot at the kitchen table.
“No, got you two. The pizza isn’t going to get here for another hour.”
Tristan, getting better at walking, grabs the Cheez-its and Reese’s and tosses a Snickers to Robert who catches it with his left hand, his right staying put behind Eva.
I pull out my wallet. “You guys have a good night. I’m gonna take off,” I say as I drop my portion of the pizza money on the counter.
Eva turns from the TV to look at me. She has a funny look on her face but doesn’t say anything. Robert raises his right eyebrow but also stays quiet.
“Where ya headed?” Brent asks.
I pat him on the back because I know he’s just trying to help out but I’m not welcome here right now. I don’t want to lie, so I say, “Out,” and I leave.
I close the door behind me and walk down the hallway. I hit the button for the elevator and I hear a door close behind me. I turn to watch as Eva makes her way down the hallway towards me. I turn back to the elevator doors.
“I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel welcome,” she says. I still don’t turn to look at her.
The elevator door opens. “It’s fine. I understand.”
I step inside, turn, and hit the button for the lobby before finally looking to her.
She looks sad. “Have a good night, Eva,” I say as the doors close between us. Just before they close completely, I see her drop her hard stance as her shoulders drop and she rolls her eyes and lets out a sigh.
I make my way to Naomi’s car. It’s not like I could ever picture taking Eva for a ride. She deserves nicer than this, nicer than what I can give her. I’m not ready yet.
I drive back to the spot where I slept last night.
22 eva
There’s a lump in my throat from the way I treated Evan. He came over to be with the band and I ambushed him and basically ran him off. I don’t know if I made it up but I thought I caught just a tiny bit of jealousy from him when he saw me sitting next to Robert. I don’t know if I did it on purpose; I just wanted to know if he’d be jealous.
I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about all the different ways I could have handled today better. I’m pretty sure it couldn’t have gone worse. I wish I would have hugged him. I wish I would have told him I wanted him here.
***
I’m in the clearing. A darkness is in the woods around me. The sun is low and there’s a dampness in the air. A guy I’ve never seen before comes out of the woods as I brace to fight him.
“Hey, Eva.”
It’s not what I was expecting.
“You about ready to come home to us yet?”
I glare at him.
“You know you’re coming with us when you die, right?”
“Where is that?” I ask.
He smiles and I can see that all his teeth have been filed to a point. “Hell of course.”
“Why would I go to hell when I die?”
“Because you’re one of ussssss,” he says with a hiss.
I jerk awake covered in sweat and shivering. “No, I’m not. No, I’m not one of you.” I whisper into the dark of night as I shake. Right?
23 evan
I finally fall asleep staring at the Big Dipper in the sky.
I’m at the scene of Eva’s parents’ accident, standing in the woods and watching. I hear something behind me. I turn and see Naomi walking towards me.
“Where have you been?” I walk to her and wrap her in a hug.
“Oh, you know, here and there,” she says.
“I’ve missed you,” I say. “How did things turn out?”
“We’re headed here soon. It’s going to be a rough ride.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” I ask.
“Not unless you can make world peace, especially in North Korea.”
“Oh no, really?” I ask. My stomach drops.
“Yeah.”
“What’s going to happen to you over there?”
“Everything,” she says wiping her eye.
I pull her to me again as she shakes in my arms. There are no words to make this better for her. But I try anyway. “You’ll be alright and when I get done here, I’ll come watch over you.”
She pulls away from my embrace and wipes at her tears. “It’ll be ok. Nikolas and I will be together for the most
part. He’ll get pulled away but we’ll find each other again. Then we’ll be good. We’ll get an easy mission after that.” I nod. I’m not sure what to say. “Anyway, I didn’t come to worry you with my problems. I just wanted to say good-bye and tell you not to forget your mission.”
“My mission?”
“Don’t try and fix all her problems for her. Do not make her dependent on you because they’ll take you away and then we’ll never get her back,” she says.
I understand what she’s saying. It’s what she’s been telling me since I got here. I don’t understand how to love her but to keep her from needing me. “I’m going to be completely honest here, I have no idea how to both, ‘make sure she finds love’ and ‘make sure she doesn’t need me.’” Suddenly a terrible thought crosses my mind. “Are you telling me she can’t love me?”
Naomi shakes her head, “No, that’s not what I’m saying. It will come in time. One day you’ll get it; it’ll click. Just remember that I tried to keep you guys apart for a reason. I didn’t do it be mean.”
“Always the riddles with the Earthlings, huh?” I ask.
Naomi smiles and hugs me one last time. “Always. I’ll miss you. If we don’t make it, just know we tried our best and be satisfied with that. Keep Eva safe.”
“I’ll watch over you when I get back. You’ll do fine.” I squeeze her one more time for good measure as Nikolas suddenly appears in the distance. He holds his hand out to her.
“Bye, Evan. Good luck to you guys.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
Naomi smiles and nods and makes her way back to her soulmate. Nikolas puts his arm around her shoulder as he smiles and waves at me. I wave back. “Good luck,” I whisper.
***
I wake up and my heart is racing. Ok, it was more than a dream.
Five minutes later, my heart is still racing. The hairs on my arms are standing on end and I can’t seem to sit still. I get up to pace in the driveway. It doesn’t seem to help. This can only mean one thing. I open the car door and pull out the phone to see if anyone has called or texted. No. I stuff it back in my pocket. Eva. Somethings going on with her. If only I could spirit walk, I could check on her. For the fun of it, I try to ground myself and pull out of my body. No such luck.
“Come on, Eva. You got this. Pull yourself out,” I whisper into the quiet morning. The sun is just about to make its appearance on the horizon.
As if a brick has been removed from my chest, I feel myself relax.
“There you go,” I say.
I crawl back into the backseat and try to get some more sleep.
24 eva
It’s the first day of school. Amy is sitting in the passenger seat. We sit in silence in the school parking lot. I’m trying to get up the courage to get out of the car but I’m having a hard time. I can’t stop thinking about the many dreams I’ve been having. They change but there’s always someone telling me I’m going to hell when I die. It’s starting to wear me down. I know better. I know I can’t be going there because I told the Devil I chose the light. So why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong?
Minutes tick by before Amy finally says something. “I really didn’t think I’d be back here again. I thought I’d get my GED and skip off to college.”
“Me too.” I look over at her fiddling with the hem of her skirt. I reach over and grab ahold of her hand, squeeze it, and let go. I stop thinking about myself and try to imagine what she must be going through. “I’m sorry about last year,” I say. “I’m sorry I let you face all of this alone.”
She tears up for a moment, “I wasn’t alone. I had Brent.”
“I’m glad. He seems like a really good guy.”
She looks at the school as a smile crosses her lips, “He is a good one.”
“He’s just not Bryant?” I ask.
She looks back at me, tears brimming again as she shakes her head.
“It’s ok to love them both,” I say. “You don’t have to stop loving Bryant just because he’s not here.”
“It’s just hard to talk about,” she says. “Bryant and I didn’t really even date. I just felt like he was going to be the one, you know? I grew up thinking I’d marry him one day.”
“And it’s hard when it’s not turning out anything like you planned?”
She nods.
“I know how that feels. I’m sorry. I keep thinking that Evan’s going to pull his head out of his ass at some point and just fix this thing between us.” I sigh. I don’t need to make this about me. I change the subject again. “Change can be good. Just give it time and if it doesn’t work out, there are more options out there. We haven’t even gotten to college yet.” I wink at her.
“Thanks. Same goes for you. Just because Evan’s your soulmate it doesn’t mean you have to be together.”
“I think that’s what he tried to tell me the last time I saw him.”
“I think he just needs time to figure himself out, Eva. You should try and be patient with him if you can. But if not, there’s lots of guys who would happily take his spot.”
“Look at us being all deep first thing in the morning,” I say trying to lighten the mood. “We’re supposed to be happy senior teenagers.”
“I’m just excited for the back to school party at the cabin this weekend,” Amy says. “You’re coming right?”
“Of course I’m there,” I say. “If we can’t skip this year, we’re going to make it epic.”
“We’re going to do it up right?”
“And take State while we’re at it,” I say.
“Nice.”
I take a deep breath. “Alright, let’s do this.”
Amy takes a breath of her own and we open the car doors and make our way inside.
I know Evan will be here today. Will he be in any of my classes?
I don’t have to wonder for very long because as I walk down the senior hallway, there he is, surrounded by our friends. Ryan and Liam are joking and laughing about something and Evan chuckles before looking up to meet my eyes. He smiles and nods at me and goes back to his conversation.
Beside me Amy squeals and I turn to watch her smack Brent on the arm. “You scared me,” she giggles before pulling him to her for a kiss. I look down at the paper in my hand. My locker number is 208, so it should be down there in the middle of my group of friends by the couch at the end of the hallway, where Evan is.
“Who’s the new guy?” I overhear a girl asking her friend.
“I don’t know, but dibs!” her friend says. I keep walking towards my locker as they argue back and forth and giggle like hyenas. They’re going the same way I am.
“Ask him his name.”
“No, you do it.”
“Fine,” her friend giggles again. “Hey, new guy, what’s your name?”
I look at Evan and he looks right at me as I continue to make my in way his direction. He looks back at the two girls and back at me. He looks conflicted. Finally he answers, “Evan.”
“No it’s not.” Liam says. “His name is Anny.”
Evan goes to hit Liam in the arm but pulls his punch at the last minute, making Liam over exaggerate his defense while Evan takes a seat on the couch.
“Evan, I’m Mandy. This is Candice,” the girl says, introducing herself and her friend.
“We’re also single,” Candice blurts out as they erupt in giggles and as they make their way to the stairs.
I wish he would say he wasn’t single. I’d settle for even knowing where I stand with him. Evan doesn’t say anything to shut them down, instead, he chuckles.
I finally make it to my locker and have to take a few deep breaths before putting in the combination.
“You’re like a total chick magnet, dude,” Ryan says. “I knew you were good luck.”
Someone beside me startles me and I look up from the lock I’ve been struggling with. Evan is standing to my right, just behind me. “Oh, you scared me,” I say.
“I’m sorry,” he s
ays. “I just wanted to say good morning.”
I’m irritated. My temper is short from the dreams I’ve been having and those girls were hitting on him. He didn’t stop it. He laughed, so he must have wanted it. Whatever, I get it, I’m not it for him. He fell to Earth and decided I wasn’t worth what it cost him. There’s not much I can do about that except let him go.
I return to my combination and put in the last number before opening the locker. “Good morning,” I mumble.
“White chocolate mocha still your favorite?” I turn and Evan has produced a coffee and is holding it out to me.
I don’t know what to say to him. Was he not just enjoying the attention from the other girls right in front of me? Has he not turned me down every way from here to China?
“I just, I uh,” he pauses, “I wanted to say I’m sorry about the other day.”
“That’s becoming a thing with you isn’t it?”
“Huh?”
“I swear, every time I see you, you say, ‘I’m sorry about the other day.’”
He gives me a half smile and sighs. I stare at his beautiful face. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
Stop staring! I shove my books into the locker and slam it shut before looking at him. “I like vanilla.” I shrug, “Sorry.”
“Lies,” he laughs and tries to hand me the coffee.
“Yeah, well, I’m going to hell anyways, so, sue me.” I don’t know why I said that. Maybe because I feel he’s the only one who could help me work out these dreams and I’m so angry with him that he isn’t here to help talk me through it. I have so many questions. Where is Naomi? Why do I keep having these nightmares? When will the darkness let me be? I turn to stomp away but Evan firmly grabs my elbow. He looks genuinely concerned. I really need and want to talk to him but not here in the middle of the hallway in front of everyone. So, I yank my arm free and continue to walk away. Probably not the most mature move, I know, but at this particular moment, I don’t care.
I head to first period and take a seat in the back of the classroom as the bell rings.
I close my eyes for just a moment reliving the awful way I keep treating Evan. We’ve both been frosty to each other. I guess I can’t keep blaming him for us not getting along.
