by Damian Bloom
Chest tightening, I drop down on the couch. What the hell is wrong with me? Since I can’t write, I might as well use this time to read. I pick up one of the semi-erotic novels with which I’ve been easing myself into the romance genre and crack it open near the middle.
He had no idea what was wrong with him, I read, the book echoing my thoughts perfectly.
Samuel couldn’t get Clara out of his mind. He stood up, walked around the room, cracked his knuckles with painful violence, then sat back down. He felt like he was going crazy.
You and me both, Samuel buddy.
The sheer thought of Clara enjoying herself with that…that good-for-nothing, smug asshole filled the man with rage. And what made matters worse was that, unintentionally, Samuel had pushed her into the other man’s arms.
The book is eerily on point. I swallow hard, uncomfortable with the direction of the story.
How could he only be so blind? So unaware of his own feelings? It took this—the possibility of losing her attention—for him to realize how deep his attraction to her went. Samuel gave himself a hard slap. There was no denying it: he was utterly, heart-wrenchingly jealous.
Flapping the book closed, I hurl it onto the coffee table. No, I don’t think reading is what I need now, either.
I lie down on the couch for what feels like an eternity, arms draped over my face to block out the daylight. But when my phone buzzes, I scramble to my feet and rush to grab it from the desk.
The date’s almost over. Wanna still hang out tonight?
The weight of the world lifts off my chest as Luis tells me how big of a failure his date is. Yes, I am selfish. And yes, I should feel guilty.
Without hesitation, I invite Luis over. As the angry anxiousness seeps out of me, so does my restlessness. While I wait, I pluck some clothes off the couch, wash my coffee cup, and return any stray novels to the right shelf. The rest of the time kind of fades away in a blur as I hang around the entrance door like a puppy waiting for its owner.
When Luis’s voice isn’t the only one I hear, I freeze and hold my breath. Teeth gritted, I realize Freddie must have walked with him. Isn’t he a gentleman?
Stepping back a little, I lean against the wall and try not to eavesdrop. Because that would be bad, right? Nosy. Although they’re the ones who chose to have a conversation on my front step, so could I really be blamed if I overheard their conversation?
As soon as I hear the first few words leaving the guy’s sleazy mouth, my feelings of guilt intensify, and I get the urge to chase him away. Luis is in the process of tactfully turning him down, but the sleazeball acts like he’s never learned the meaning of the word no.
Just try to lay a hand on Luis, and I’ll break every bone in your body.
I clutch the hem of my shirt and squeeze. Don’t make a scene, don’t make a scene. You’d only embarrass Luis. I walk around in circles and wait for Luis to knock on the door. My breathing grows heavy, constricted by taut, swelling muscles.
Finally, there’s a sound at the door. It doesn’t sound like a knock, but more like a thud, like a body pressed to the door. Is…Is this motherfucker kissing my Luis?
My mind is blank when I fling the door open, but my chest is full of fury. They stumble to the floor, Freddie over Luis, and the image only adds to my rage.
“I believe Luis said no.” My voice seems to come from somewhere else, to belong to another man.
There are still no thoughts governing my actions, just pure instinct. I grab the man by his shoulders and pull him to his feet. I only realize I’m in a fight when my fist connects with his cheek, and he staggers back.
Arms hurting with tension, I stalk out of the house. Freddie frowns at me, his cheek a bright, promising red. “Bro, I didn’t know he had a man, I swear,” he says.
“I’m not your bro.” I’m not sure it’s words that come out of my mouth or simple grunts sifted through clenched teeth.
“I don’t want any trouble, man. He said he was single. How was I to know he had a boyfriend?” He gestures toward Luis. “Why don’t you take it up with him? He’s the one who cheated on you.”
Cheated on me? I blink in confusion. Oh, he thinks…
“He told you he’s not interested. Are your ears broken?” My breath whistles through clenched jaws. “Maybe I should break your legs too, to match them.” The man stands a few inches below me, which makes me more intimidating. Teeth chattering, Freddie’s eyes spell fear. He looks at me like I’m his worst nightmare.
“I’m sorry,” he stammers. “I promise not to do it again. Ever.”
As my body continues to vibrate with anger, I hear the pitter-patter of steps behind me. Knowing Luis is right there calms me down a little. “Adam, just let him go,” he says, holding my hand. I’m upsettingly aware of his warm and soft fingers in my much larger hand.
I turn to find his eyes pleading. His hair looks different. “You good?” I ask.
He nods, looking beautiful as the setting sun highlights the depth and translucence of his wide brown eyes. I take in his outfit. He clearly put a lot of effort into the date. What was I thinking when I set him up with this loser?
“I’m sorry,” I say. The words barely manage to leave my mouth before something hard clashes with my eye—the motherfucker just punched me. With one cowardly, unexpected hit, Freddie bolts.
I press a hand to my throbbing face. “Fuck.”
“Fucking asshole.” Luis’s choice of words makes me snicker.
“What’s so funny?”
“Hearing you swear is weird.”
He clears his throat. “Yeah, well, it felt appropriate.”
Luis pulls my hand away from the afflicted eye. He takes a look and winces. It already feels like it’s swelling up.
After leading me inside by the hand, he grabs a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and drags me to the living room sofa. “Let me see,” he says, folding a leg under his butt and sitting down next to me.
What he sees makes him grimace again. “This is gonna bruise up nicely.”
The acute pain in my eye doesn’t let me doubt that for a second. I shrug in spite of it. “It was worth it.”
Luis pauses. “You shouldn’t have done all that,” he says, holding the frozen bag to my face. The cold stings but leaves a welcome numbness behind. “Thank you for standing up for me, though.”
He’s gripped by a caring sort of annoyance—like that of a parent toward their reckless child; frustration mingled with relief that things didn’t end up as bad as they could have.
I admire Luis with my good eye. His pants are well-fitted, without being too tight, but when he sits, they hug the shape of his legs like they’re poured on.
Despite the pain and anger, my cock twitches unexpectedly. Flinching hard, I go entirely rigid.
“What’s wrong?” Luis stops, then removes the bag from my skin. “Does it hurt?”
“No, it’s fine.” However, my tightly pressed lips and pained expression speak to the contrary.
Luis raises a skeptical eyebrow. “You sure? ‘Cause you look constipated.”
“I was just looking at you.” Luis’s gaze turns inquisitive. I lick my parched lips. “You look…nice.”
Luis seems to freeze. I wish I knew what he’s thinking.
“Thank you.” For the next few moments, he tends to my eye in silence. Then he frowns. “How did you know to intervene? Were you spying on us?”
I bristle at the accusation. “I wasn’t spying. I felt a certain…responsibility for you, since I was the matchmaker…”
Luis seems to hold back laughter. “Some match we were…”
I take the frozen bag from his hand. “It’s okay. I can hold it myself.” When regret stirs inside my chest again, I heave a loud sigh. “I’m sorry for hooking you up with this asshole. I should have-”
“Oh, shush, Adam,” Luis snaps. “There’s nothing to apologize for. You couldn’t have known how sleazy and annoying the guy would be.” Leaning back and crossing his a
rms, he shoots me a severe look. “But that’s why I don’t like the idea of online dating. You just never know who you run into.”
I lift my hands up. “Okay, no more online dating. We’re deleting the app.”
“And dropping the whole boyfriend thing?”
“Luis…”
“You can’t rush love, Adam. This should be a lesson for both of us.”
“A lesson? This is just how dating is. Kissing a lot of frogs and all that…”
“Why? Why does it have to be like that?” My head throbs when Luis raises his voice. “People only subject themselves to this because they’re not patient enough to wait until they find the right person.”
After organizing the worst possible first date, I know I’m in no position to debate, even if Luis is wholly lost in his fantasies again.
Hector meows at the door. Exhausted and ready for the day to be over, I lay down on my back. “Can you please let Hector in?”
“Sure.” The cat immediately rubs against his legs, with shrill meows and deep purrs, like he hasn’t seen Luis in years.
Dazed by the sting of the punch and the emotional overload of the day, I replay the last few hours in my head. I see myself roam around the house aimlessly, disoriented by all the overthinking. Although I was an unrecognizable mess today, I’m afraid to analyze my strange behavior too closely. But I also can’t simply dismiss it, can I? Why did it bother me so much that Luis was out on the town with a man he could have ended up liking and dating? Didn’t I claim that’s what I wanted for him, that I wanted it enough to help him out? Could it be that I was jealous?
My stomach growls with disgust.
No, it couldn’t have been jealousy. To be jealous, I’d have to want Luis for myself. But I never will. Not in that way, at least.
Out of view, sitting on the floor, Luis coos to the cat, and his voice almost puts me to sleep. I feel much better knowing he’s here.
I guess you can’t see someone every day for almost a month and not get used to their presence. Not even someone like me, whose emotional well has nearly run dry, is immune to it.
Sweet, young, and bubbly, Luis covers the silence of the house and chases my occasional loneliness away. Along the way, I must have let Luis insinuate himself into my life enough to make me fear losing him. As a friend, of course.
The truth is that it would suck for this all to be over—having a writing buddy who shares the passion that gives meaning to my life. Luis and I are more similar than even we might suspect, and because of it, he understands me better than anyone else. I don’t want some loser to steal him away from me.
Luis hoists himself up. “Are you hungry, buddy?”
Hector meows a loud confirmation.
“Is it okay if I feed Hector?”
“Sure. You know where everything is?”
“Yup.”
Once they leave the room, I direct my attention to another uncomfortable theme of self-reflection that I’ve been dancing around. What about my sexual attraction to Luis?
Is it really such a big deal? He’s a handsome guy, and I’m in the middle of one of the longest dry spells of my life. I’d be worried if I wasn’t battling an erection half the time I’m around him.
I wouldn’t kick Luis out of bed, sure. But the most important thing is that he’s become my friend.
Three weeks ago, I told Tim that I don’t get lonely, and I enjoy being on my own, and maybe that was somewhat true at the time. But now, I can’t imagine not ending every day in Luis’s company. When he’s not here, everything seems to remind me of him, Hector is unhappy, and writing is a chore.
My life needs Luis. I need Luis.
Sometimes, we’re not aware there’s a hole in our lives until someone fills it. He’s a dorky ray of sunshine that always manages to put me in a good mood. My insides simmer with joy whenever he laughs. I wish I could record his giggles and play them on a loop. I’d never feel sad again.
When Luis and Hector return, the cat sidles up to me, curls up in a ball, and goes to sleep, purring against my ribcage. Luis sits down next to us, resting a hand on my chest.
“You’re thinking so hard, I can hear you from the kitchen,” he says. “What’s on your mind?”
I can’t think of anyone in my life who’d dare ask me this with such nonchalance. The same way I can’t think of anyone else I’d give a truthful answer to.
“It felt weird today…you, going on that date.”
“Weird how? Like you had a feeling it would go to shit?”
“No, that’s not what I mean. It was more like I hoped it would go to shit.”
“Oh.” Luis scrambles for more to say. “But you’re the one trying to find me a boyfriend.”
“That’s true. Which is why it made zero sense.”
I sit up to face him.
“What do you think that means?” Luis asks.
I run a restless finger through my beard. “I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but I’ve come to think of you as a friend. A very good friend, actually.”
This makes him smile so brightly that I want to repeat it. If I could somehow capture Luis’s smile and press it to my eye, I just know the pain would evaporate.
“I’m not used to spending this much time around anyone. I usually don’t find it easy to be as open with people as I am with you…for some strange reason that I don’t understand. At this point, it’s like you live here.”
We chuckle. “Is this a subtle way of telling me I come over too often?”
“Not at all.” I know Luis is joking, but I want to make that clear. “I enjoy your company so much that, today, I worried I would lose it if another guy came into the equation. Not that me and that guy would be in the same type of equation with you, but…you know what I mean.”
Luis’s eyebrows droop in a confused frown. “Why would you worry about that?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve seen it happen often. People get in relationships, and they turn crazy. They no longer have time for anyone other than their partner, who gets jealous of their other friendships…It’s weird, but it happens.”
Luis bites down on his lower lip, and it sends my head reeling with thoughts of kissing him. What if I grabbed the back of his head right now and pressed my lips to his in a spontaneous, passionate kiss? Would he kiss back, or would it ruin everything I just said I was scared of losing?
Painfully frustrated, I grit my teeth. How many times have I told myself I wouldn’t entertain this kind of foolish thoughts?
“You really were scared that we’d stop hanging out?” Luis looks at me from underneath his long eyelashes. The gaze hits me square in the chest, and my heart speeds up a little.
“I think Hector was having a much harder time with the idea.”
The cat’s ears twitch at hearing his name, but he continues his beauty sleep, completely unbothered.
I avoid Luis’s gaze by staring out the window, but he leans his head to the side until he enters my line of sight. “Well, just to put Hector’s mind at rest, I enjoy our time together just as much as you do. I wouldn’t let any man get in the middle of that.”
“Not even Prince Charming?”
“Not even Prince Charming.”
My lips jerk with the need to smile.
“Okay?” Luis holds his pinky finger up. “You want to pinky swear on it?”
I shove his hand away, and we chuckle. As we shake with laughter, eyes glued to the other’s, I realize how true everything I’ve said is. I feel more connected to Luis than I’ve ever been to anyone.
To have someone listen to you because they’re genuinely interested in what you have to say, someone who sees and embraces everything you show them about yourself and then asks for more, who laughs at all your dumb jokes…This must be friendship, and it’s an experience I’ve never had before. I’ve never even known it was something I longed for.
Almost afraid he’ll dissolve like a dream, I reach out to touch Luis. I drop a hand on his th
igh, the part of him closest to me, and I give it a gentle squeeze.
Luis’s smile wavers, now a little flustered. “We’re deleting that app,” he says.
“Okay,” I agree, then give his thigh another squeeze. It feels so warm under my hand.
Luis looks down at my hand, then lays his own over it. Initially, I think he wants to remove it, so I make to withdraw it, but he keeps it in place. He gives a gentle nod.
I slowly trace the shape of his thigh up to his hip. Under the fabric, his skin begs to be explored. I’m not religious, but the fact that this gorgeous man’s body has never been touched makes this almost feel like a sin.
Luis drags his hand up my leg too, sliding it up the inside of my thigh. He stops inches away from my crotch, which now visibly swells in my gray sweatpants.
When his breathing grows heavier, we’re close enough for me to hear it, and it makes my cock even harder. My head throbs with desires. I want to listen to him pant and moan and even scream as I lose myself inside of him.
A heady feeling drops over me, and for a second, it’s hard to remember why I’m struggling so hard to stay away from him. Why I don’t just give in.
To my surprise, Luis adjusts his position to allow easier access when I slip my hand under his waistband. I’m even more surprised when I feel his shaved ass. “You’re smooth,” I mumble like a brain-dead dumbass. Who would he do that for?
Luis blushes. “I like it that way,” he says.
My cock now grows painfully hard and sleek with precum. All the feeling in my body seems to focus in my hand, which is palming as much of Luis’s delicious bubble butt as possible. My insides fizzy, I run my fingers over his virgin hole. I grunt, repressing the desire to flip him over, tear his pants off, and bury my face between those cheeks.
But Luis moans in surprise when I push a finger against his anus, applying just a little bit of pressure. His eyes are wide with desire, and they bore into mine. His hand hesitates on my thigh, unsure of the right trajectory.
He needs some guidance, so I take his hand and press it to my groin. He gasps when he realizes how hard I am for him, clutching my throbbing cock through the fabric. Luis licks his lips.
