Chapter Eighteen
Ashton
With the light of day came the horrific reality of everything that had gone wrong last night. I woke up alone, although Callum had held me while I slept. I knew he had because when I woke up screaming, he was there, kissing my forehead and telling me it was just a nightmare. That I was safe. The indentation of his head on my pillow remained, and the familiar scent of him lingered on the sheets.
The nightmares came in waves. From my father’s car bursting into flames to Louis trying to get his limp dick inside me and finally Callum with the guy he’d brought with him. Those three overlapping events had wrecked me, emptied me, and left me void without anything to fill the empty space left behind.
What had I become? Was this the way I was destined to live my life? Then I thought about Mario and the shell he’d become. I didn’t want to be another Mario ruining Callum’s life, but even after I’d walked out on him, he’d still come to my rescue.
And he always would. If I didn’t leave, I’d end up crushing him. For a brief moment, he’d spent the night in my bed, and it was enough to remind me of what I was missing. Of what I was giving up. Callum was worth fighting this disease.
I pulled the sheet up over my head and let the morning pass while I internalized the past year and a half. Every day, I’d gotten worse. After last night, what was left to come, and would I even survive it?
Maybe that would be good for Callum. Then he could move on and be with that guy who’d accompanied him last night. Without a doubt, he had to be the same guy who’d brought Callum home that night. The one I’d asked Callum if he was fucking and he’d replied in the negative.
Last night he’d said again that they were only friends. Maybe in his mind. Maybe right this minute, but how long would they remain just friends? I saw the way that guy looked at him with concern. He hadn’t been there for me. He had come for Callum’s sake.
The bitter truth was that he seemed like a decent guy. Someone with whom Callum could enjoy a happy and peaceful life. I shouldn’t stand in his way, but I couldn’t abide the idea of Callum being with anyone else but me.
I was the one he loved. He belonged to me.
I couldn’t stay in bed forever and took care of my bathroom needs. For a while I watched Lulu and Lola swimming around in their tank. How long before I destroyed these two as well? I couldn’t let that happen.
I didn’t want to face the disaster of last night and the cleanup that would be required.
When I went down the stairs to get food for the fish, I almost teared up again. The house had been cleaned. Someone had picked up all the garbage and righted the furniture, even if they weren’t exactly in the same spot they’d been before.
Not just anyone. Callum.
In the kitchen, I found he’d made me coffee. He’d left me a banana and a bran muffin on the table with a note.
Ash,
Tried to get the stains out of the rug, but you might need to hire a professional cleaner for that. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened last night. No means no. Go to the police station and file a formal report.
I can’t won’t stay, but if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.
P.S don’t even think about not eating.
Callum.
Not signed Daddy as he would do when we were still together, just Callum, and seeing it stung.
I brought a tray upstairs and fed my fish while I ate. I didn’t feel like eating, but Callum’s note told me to, so I forced down the food. It was surprising that it stayed down, and by the time I finished the meal, I knew what I had to do.
When I first got here, I’d located my brother’s extensive wine collection in his cellar. I’d been breaking into the cellar every day and helping myself to the poison. Now I packed it all up in boxes. It didn’t make sense to fool myself into thinking I could keep them around and not be tempted.
Although I hadn’t driven in a while, I didn’t want to call Rue again, and I was definitely not going to pull Callum away from work. I needed to stand on my own two feet for once and deal with my problems. Only then could I earn back Callum’s and Rue’s respect.
My brother’s car was still in his garage. I wasn’t even sure if it would work, but it started all right. I suspected my mother might’ve kept it serviced in the wake of Jake’s death.
The drive took me twice as long as it would’ve taken Rue, but I got there in one piece. After I dropped the boxes off at the restaurant, I slowly made my way to the police station, where I gave my report of what had happened last night, and also pressed charges against Louis.
Next, I drove to the nursing home and sat with Mario for a while. He seemed in a happy mood today, and I swore his eyes lit up when he saw me. He made some deep sounds in his throat as if he was trying to talk, getting excited enough to make me laugh.
“You know me, don’t you?” I gave him a hug.
He placed his head on my shoulder, and I patted his hair in comfort. From the first moment I’d met him, I’d felt a connection I couldn’t explain, and I was humbled Callum had allowed me to share this part of his life.
“I messed up, Mario.” I sat in front of him, holding his hand. “I lost our Callum. I just hope it’s not for good.”
He stared at me, head lolled to the side, listening. He might or might not understand anything I said, but it still felt good to talk to him.
“I’m struggling. Struggling so much to stay sober, but I’ve got to try. I have to find a way to make this right. I’m just so tired of the emptiness.”
I ended up resting my head in his lap and was surprised when he patted my hair, mimicking the action I’d done to him earlier. We stayed like that for a while until he fell asleep and the caretaker brought him inside. I watched him sleep for another few minutes, then kissed his forehead. Before I left, I spoke to the administration about Mario’s care.
The hard part was facing my mother, and I almost drove by the office. In fact, I had to double back to park across the street.
Mother was in a meeting. Perfect excuse why I should leave, but that was taking the easy way out. If I was going to do this, and damn right I was, I needed all the support I could get. It was worth a shot, even if she’d been nothing but hostile to me.
“Mr. Keyes, your mother will see you now,” the receptionist said. I’d waited in the lobby for almost an hour, but I still got up reluctantly.
I knew my father’s—mother’s—office only too well, and I declined her offer to walk me in. I hadn’t been back to the building since my father passed. The truth was that I had no interest in this business at all. I didn’t want to bury myself in meetings like my father and Jake had.
I wanted to do something more with my time.
“Ashton, funny seeing you here.”
I tried not to take mother’s words personally. I’d be curious too at my sudden interest in coming to the office.
“Hello, Mother.”
But I couldn’t get anything beyond my throat after that. I sat in a chair in front of her desk, not certain how to vocalize my needs.
How does a son ask his mother for her love, time, understanding, and support?
“I heard you had quite the party at your brother’s house last night. So much so the cops were involved.”
“That was a mistake.”
She sighed, resting her hands together on top of the desk. “You’ve been making a lot of those, especially recently. Mistakes. What’s this visit about?”
“I don’t want to fight with you anymore.”
Her eyebrows rose. “Is this your way of telling me you’re going to Texas?”
“Yes, yes, I’m going.”
The tightness of her face relaxed. “Good, I’ll arrange for your stay there. You’ve made the right decision, Ashton.”
“I didn’t come here for you to arrange accommodations for me,” I said. “I’ve already done that myself. I’m not hopeless, Mother.”
“Then what do you need? Your cr
edit cards restored? Done.”
I stared at her for a full minute before I scampered to my feet. This was useless. I should’ve known better than to come here, expecting any warmth from her.
“Sorry for wasting your time. I’ll be gone in a few days.”
I was at the door, my hand enclosed around the knob, when a chair scraped against the floor.
“Ashton, wait.”
I pressed my forehead to the door and clenched my eyes to keep from crying. I was afraid of showing my own mother my weakness. I’d never thought twice about crying in Callum’s arms. He allowed me to be completely broken with him and never once thought less of me for it.
“Why did you come here?”
I slowly turned toward her. “Once more, all I needed from you, Mother, was your emotional support. I don’t need your money. Don’t need my credit cards back. I just want you to tell me that it’ll be okay. That I’ll leave Texas fixed. That you still love me in spite of everything.”
“Ashton—”
“That’s all I’ve ever needed from you. Your affection, a little bit of your time.”
She dropped her gaze to the desk, then sat again. “I guess you think I’m a terrible mother.”
“No worse than me being a terrible son.”
“You know what nobody never tells you? That if your first child turned out okay, the second might not respond the same way under the same conditions.”
“You left me and let Ava raise me.”
“It wasn’t easy being the wife of the most influential man in Battersea, Ashton.”
“And it wasn’t easy being the cast-aside son of one either.”
“Son…”
“Why did you treat me so differently from Jake?” I moved away from the door back to her desk. “And I want you to be honest with me this time. You said it yourself. We were raised by the same two people. Why did you have expectations of him but had none for me? It was as if you all thought from the very beginning that I would amount to nothing.”
“Ash, you’re already struggling with your own personal hell. I don’t need to add to it.”
I curled my fingers into my palms so the nails dug into my flesh. “I need honesty from you, Mother. In a few days, I’ll be gone, and I don’t want to come back to secrets after my time is up. Tell me why you treated me differently from Jake.”
She sighed, a heavy-weighted sound. “Jake was a great kid,” she said, leaning back in her chair. “He was smart as a whip and didn’t warrant as much attention. I was convinced he was all we needed. I didn’t want a second child.”
I knew where this was heading. I should stop her. Did it really help to rehash all this? But I needed to know my whole truth, and it seemed it started from the moment I was born.
“I got pregnant with you by accident,” she continued. “Your father and I argued bitterly about it. I didn’t want another baby, but I felt I had to see through with the pregnancy. Your father was ecstatic, especially when he found it was another boy.”
“So you carried a baby to term that you didn’t want?” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. She seemed to have been coerced into having another child when she didn’t want it, and that seemed unfair to her.
“I was miserable for most of the pregnancy,” she admitted. “But it’s nothing compared to how I felt when you were born. I suffered from postpartum depression that was left untreated for too long. Ava took over your care the day you were born. I didn’t bond with you the way I did Jake, and the shame of it kept me away. Your father and I tried to pretend our maid wasn’t raising you.”
I blinked several times, trying to digest the information. On the one hand, it sucked to find out my worst suspicion was true. That she never wanted me. I also tried to put myself in her shoes of giving birth to a child she didn’t want and having to live with that.
But damn, it didn’t lessen the hurt.
“I’m sorry. I never intended to tell you this.” She walked around the desk and placed a hand on my shoulder. “I might not have planned for you nor wanted you in the beginning, but then I did. I’ve been trying to make it up to you your whole life by giving you everything you ever wanted, but nothing I do will ever make up for the way I neglected you.”
Her arms came around me, pressing my face to her abdomen. For the first time in a long time, my mother embraced me. I clung to her arms, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply.
Maybe this was the first step. Maybe we could start over again. I wasn’t a kid anymore. We could still build an adult mother-son relationship.
“All I ever wanted was your support. Your support, Mom. Not your help. Just your support. How can I learn if you’re always doing everything for me? Can you do that?”
Chapter Nineteen
Callum
“Damn, what’s he doing here?”
Before I looked up, I knew who Phil was referring to. I took my time making change for the customer before me, and only when she walked off did I take in Ash, who’d just entered the coffee shop. Usually, he’d take a seat or come straight up to the counter to greet me before doing the former, but he hung back uncertainly.
What was he doing here? Was he in trouble again? My offer to help him if he ever needed it still stood, but that didn’t mean I’d be at his beck and call. It also didn’t mean we were picking up right where we’d left off.
I was still shaken about his near encounter of being violated four nights ago. Despite looking a little pale and gaunt as though he wasn’t eating properly, he appeared fine otherwise. His skinny jeans still fit him perfectly, and the way he carried himself with such poise made him stand out.
Even when he was a mess, Ashton Keyes was beautiful.
“Hi, you’re serving, right?”
At the irritated voice of a customer, I tore my eyes away from Ashton and gave the brunette an apologetic smile.
“Sorry. What can I get you today?”
Although I listened to the customer, I was hyperaware of Ashton’s every move. The way he hesitantly joined the back of the line punched me in the gut. That was right. He no longer could just march up to the counter and I’d give him his coffee.
He was no longer my boy, and it would serve me well to remember that.
I served three more customers before Ashton was at the head of the line. With one sweeping gaze, I took in as much of him as I could. The need to pull him into my arms and cuddle him to my chest was so intense that I clutched the edge of the counter to stop myself.
“Hey,” he said with a nervous twitch of his lips. Not quite a smile but an attempt.
“Hey, yourself.”
“Cal, need me to take this order?” Phil asked, sidling up to me.
“No, I’ve got this.”
He gave my arm a squeeze, then moved away, and it was support enough for me to do what needed to be done. Ash was just a regular customer today.
“Your usual?” I asked him.
“Umm, just black coffee, please. Medium.”
Black coffee? Ashton never ordered black coffee. Instead of questioning him about what was different, I made his coffee and placed it on the counter.
“That’ll be $4.40.”
He handed me a ten, and I gave him his change.
“Four hearts, please.”
I paused only a millisecond, then nodded and sketched four hearts on the cup. It took me less than ten seconds. When I offered him the cup, he inspected the art and glanced at me. His Adam’s apple worked hard in his throat, and I felt awful for not drawing that extra heart for him like I always did, but he needed to understand.
I couldn’t continue to give my heart to someone who only knew how to abuse it.
“Thank you.”
The whole interaction was so farcical, but I let it be. He’d walked onto my turf and pretended we shared nothing but a customer-client relationship.
Isn’t that what you want?
I wanted him well and responsible enough to be in a relationship with me, but that didn’t seem like
it would happen anytime soon.
“Phil, take over for me, will you?”
I desperately needed not to see Ashton where he’d chosen to sit at a table, phone in hand. I could almost pretend we were okay and he was just there on an ordinary day, waiting for me to go on a break.
Except there was nothing ordinary about our situation. He shouldn’t be here at all, fucking with my head when he needed to have his examined.
“Sure thing, man.”
I spent half an hour in the back working while I left Phil to handle the customers on his own. I expected him to reach out if he couldn’t handle the steady stream of customers, but he didn’t once. Eventually, I figured Ashton would be gone, and returned to the shop area.
I was wrong. He still sat there, and as soon as I walked out, our eyes met.
Was he waiting on me?
“Sorry, man,” Phil whispered. “It’s not like I could ask him to leave.”
“It’s okay. You okay at the counter?”
“Yeah, just go handle him.”
I wished Ash came with a manual on how to handle him. I was running out of ideas. I’d tried being tough with him. I’d tried loving him through the trials. Nothing worked. Truth was that it wasn’t up to me to make something work.
It was his call.
“What are you doing here, Ashton?”
I took the seat across from him. Being so near to him, I could smell the faint sweet fragrance he usually wore. Nothing masculine and woodsy for him at all.
“Are you on your break?” He frowned at me. “I didn’t want to disturb you, so I was waiting until you took one.”
“You’re disturbing me, Ash. It’s creepy for you to be here, given everything that’s going on between us.”
“I just wanted to talk. To explain.”
“I don’t think I’m the one you need to talk to. I’m not a shrink, and I’m done trying to act like one.”
He reached a hand out, stopping shy of touching me, and allowed his hand to fall away. “Please, it’s something I have to say before I leave.”
“Leave?”
He nodded and gave me a sad smile. “I’m going to Texas. My flight is booked for tomorrow. I’ll be gone for six weeks, and I-I wanted to explain before I go. I also want you to keep my pets while I’m away.”
Perfection Page 14
