by Liz Hsu
When we finished, we layered back up and braced for the wind to take some pictures in front of the Bean before wandering into a nearby Christmas market and getting hot coffees to warm our frozen hands. I texted some of the pictures to Charles.
He sent back, Looks fun! Staying warm? I’ve been working on a surprise for you. When do you get back tomorrow?
Maybe six or seven? Dad has the conference in the morning, then we’re leaving.
Can you have him drop you off?
Okay. My hands are frozen. gtg.
I put my phone away and slid my hands back into my warm mittens, wiggling my frozen white fingers and stomping my numb toes. Thinking about Charles leaving felt like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t imagine it. Luckily, I didn’t have long to as Soraya led us into Eataly, a huge Italian grocery store with restaurants tucked into it.
After lunch, we went back to the condo for a little bit, and I took a quick nap so I’d be awake for the concert. I was trying to be better about listing to my body after the second hospitalization. It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes I just wanted to push myself, like an ordinary sixteen-year-old could, but I wasn’t ordinary. If I didn’t listen to my body—slow down, take my pills, avoid the sun, protect my joints—my body became inflamed. I just didn’t have a choice.
I was sad to leave Chicago the next afternoon. The concert had been so much fun, and Soraya had bopped around like a teenager herself. In the middle of it, she’d pulled me close and said, “I’m glad you moved here, Ray. I’ve been with Nils five years, and I’ve never seen him this happy.”
I just squeezed her firmly and said, “Thanks.”
Dad and I filled the car ride back with happy chatter. He was so passionate about his conference it made me smile, despite not really absorbing most of what he was saying. He probably felt the same way about my description of the museum, walk along Michigan Avenue, and concert. I didn’t start getting nervous until we got close to Charles’s house.
Suddenly I felt sick. I wanted Charles. I wanted him with my whole being. I loved him. If he went to California, it would be hard. I’d try to make it work if that was what he wanted. When you loved someone, you didn’t hold them back. But shoot, it hurt to think of him leaving—sour Skittles, it hurt.
Charles opened the door when I arrived, and we stared at each other in silence a moment before he waved me in, his fingers twitching in a silent beat in a way I knew meant he was nervous.
“Come downstairs. That’s where the surprise is.” His house was silent. “They’re at a fundraiser and won’t be home for a few hours,” he said as if reading my thoughts.
I sat down when we got to the basement, and he paced back and forth. “I worked on this with the guys all week so we could record it this morning. Ray, I wrote this song. I speak best with music.”
He started the recording, and the piano came on as he handed me the sheet of music.
Slow piano intro:
(James)
It’s hard to think
Because when I do
All I think
Is I’m stuck on you.
Where to go?
I don’t know.
Should I stay?
Or go far away.
(drums solo)
But my hand’s on the door,
And I can’t take anymore.
I think I have to stay.
We’ll have to find a way.
It’s not just you,
But it’s my family too.
They are my glue,
So I guess I’m going Blue.
I should have told you before,
But you have my heart.
Let me hold you once more
Because I can’t depart.
So let’s continue to try
Because with you I can fly
Because with you I’m better.
I can’t promise you forever,
But baby we’ll try.
So, baby let’s try.
Slow piano fade…
Charles sat beside me and took my hand. I looked up as the last note sounded. “I’m going to Michigan,” he said.
“You really mean it?” I whispered.
“Yes, Ray,” he said as he leaned forward to kiss me. “I already sent in my acceptance. Their robotics program is ranked almost equally high, and I’d regret it my whole life if I didn’t stay to help my family when Wàipó and my parents have done everything for me. I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror if I came home and Wàipó had forgotten me. Or if my parents were in debt. Plus, there’s also this gorgeous, amazing, sexy, sweet girl in Ann Arbor I’d miss a whole lot.”
I smiled and couldn’t resist running my fingers through his hair. “I love you. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love someone, but promise you didn’t do this for me, did you?”
He chuckled. “I love you too. I’m glad I’ll get to be with you longer, but like I said, Caltech or Michigan, that has to do with my family. You’re the bonus. An amazing bonus, but yes, the bonus. Don’t worry.”
I kissed him tenderly and deeply. Slowly, we peeled our clothes off until we were both in our underwear. I feather-kissed him, then pulled back. “I decided something too.” I looked down, bit my lip, then looked back up. “I want to have sex.”
His eyes widened. “Like, right now?”
I nodded. I’d already been to the gynecologist and gotten an IUD. I hadn’t told him, because I still felt like it was private, but I didn’t have many birth control options between my medical conditions and medications I already took. It had been awkward and painful, but it was safer for me and would last for years. I couldn’t risk getting pregnant, especially with the medicines I was on. Maybe it was a sin, but I loved Charles and he loved me, so I was sure a loving God would understand. Just like I was sure God would understand about Charles and Knox’s families not being Christians. Even if Charles had said he was leaving for Caltech, I wanted this.
He must have wanted an actual verbal response, so I sucked in a breath and looked up into those smoldering brown eyes. “I want my first time to be with someone I love. I hear the lyrics—we’re in high school. It might not last forever, but the first time, for the first time, I want love.”
He and I weren’t stupid, and knew first love wasn’t always last love. We knew we were young, and things didn’t always last, no matter how much we loved each other now.
A look of understanding passed over his face, and he grinned before kissing me with a feather-light touch. “I love you too. But you’re sure? Like, sure, sure? This isn’t just because I’m staying, right?”
I nodded and pulled his hand back to me. “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you in this moment.”
He stood and brushed his hair out of his face, then fumbled in his jeans until he pulled out two condoms. “Your dad told me to buy these that night of the ice storm,” he said, blushing and not meeting my eyes. “Just in case. He warned with your medications, there couldn’t be any mistakes.” He set them nearby and glanced back up.
I pulled him back to me. “I want this,” I reaffirmed, and boy, did I.
Our fingers and mouths re-found each other, heating my skin fervently. I hadn’t lied—I wanted this, body and soul. And Charles was amazing, sweet, and so patient.
As we lay together afterward, holding each other like we’d never let each other go, I couldn’t resist teasing him. “Do you think we could do better next time?”
Charles laughed and kissed me. “Baby, we’ll try.”
And we did, and like everything else, Charles endeavored to work hard and learn. He was right, he wasn’t perfect, but with practice, he got pretty close.
I couldn’t resist chuckling as I looked over at Ray, drawing away on the coffee table. I would swear she always got as much charcoal on herself as she did on the pa
per. She currently had a streak across her cheek and the tip of her nose I had no intention of telling her about.
She heard me laughing and looked up. “It’s on my face again, isn’t it?” she asked, smearing it worse.
I went and got some wet tissues from the half bath down here. Then I patted the sofa, and she sat beside me as I gently dabbed her face.
“Ekkkk, that’s cold!”
She twisted away, and we were both laughing. Before she leaned forward again grumpily, I attempted to cheer her with a kiss.
I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much. We’d grown even closer, body and soul, this last year. I still occasionally thought about Caltech, but Michigan was amazing. I’d never regretted my decision. They’d even given me a full scholarship in April after an extensive interview process. The robotics labs were world class, and so was Wàipó’s nui rou mien. And Wàipó seemed to do better living with us and actually started remembering Ray. Michigan had been the right choice—I had zero doubts.
And being with Ray really was the sweetest bonus in the world. While I’d like to say it’d been perfect being together for the past year, it wasn’t. Sometimes I’d gotten busy, especially during the six-week robotics building when we’d literally barely seen each other. But she’d embraced it and had gotten busy entering this huge art competition with Becky. She’d done well in it too, no surprise there. And unfortunately, Ray had been sick—like the severe flu that had her hospitalized last March and made her miss two weeks of school. She was still on immunosuppressants, but her organs hadn’t been attacked again in more than a year, and her blood work had been steady—not quite normal, but steady. So she stayed on those pills, even if their effects could be harsh.
She tried to hide the sad look in her eyes when our friends went to the lake or the cross-country flyers went up, but she couldn’t hide from me. Just like I couldn’t hide from her. Nor could she hide her occasional wincing when the arthritis flared up. But mostly she was cheerful and handled it with a quiet grace. She’d been more respectful to her body, and her lupus had been much less reactive to her as a result of that. That and the heavy dose of medication she took. She seemed happy most of the time and didn’t let it get her down. It was life, and between health, long-term happiness, and temporary satisfaction, there were compromises we all had to make.
I leaned forward and kissed her because even after more than a year, I still couldn’t resist those coral lips. We more than made it work—we made each other happier. We forced each other to chase our dreams. She never held me back, only encouraged my hard work. She really was my “Hard Headed Woman,” and she made me the best and happiest me I could be. She still saw me, and I saw her.
But the last few weeks had been the hardest of any of our time together as Ray’s college acceptance letters rolled in, but not the one we wanted most—Michigan. I’d do long-distance for her; hell, I’d do anything for this girl. She was everything to me. But I’d miss her if she went down south for the next few years. Or worse, to Sweden, where she’d also applied.
I’d seen her touching her alopecia spot, that had recently flared up. She was nervous, too, and I hated what that did to her body.
“I’m doing the playlist for a little bit,” Ray said when I released her. But when she opened her phone, her hands trembled. A few big fat tears rolled down her face.
“Hey,” I said, pulling her onto my lap and wiping them away. “What is it?”
“I got in.” She sucked in a deep breath. “I didn’t think my grades were good enough, but maybe the art contest and the architecture camp helped. Michigan, Charles. I got in to Michigan.”
Ray and I stared at each other, and then I broke out in a grin to match hers.
“I love you,” I whispered against her lips, my arms tightening around her.
We knew we were young, and the future could change. We understood one day we might grow apart, but the kiss we shared said we were both glad we could continue to together. A love like this was worth holding onto.
The End
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Get the latest news, read her note on her diseases, and find other books by Liz here: www.lizhsubooks.com
For my parents, who always believed in me. To my best friends, you are my support system through thick and thin. To my in-law family, wo ai nimen. Thank you for accepting and inspiring me. And above all to my husband, Eugene, the most wonderful and special person in my life, who gives me strength and CALM every day. While you can do anything alone, friends, family, and love are what make life living and fighting for.
Big thank you to my writing village, GDRWA. You inspired and embraced me. You told me I could do it. You made me laugh, provided amazing learning opportunities, gave me tools, and have been my cheerleaders throughout! Also, shout out to both the Troy Library and Oakland County Writers’ groups. Sarah LoCascio, you helped me get my first place, Young Adult, in the OCCRWA’s Orange Rose Contest for this book with your encouragement, tears, and critiques. So many thanks.
To the editor—Rachel Lynn Solomon it was a great pleasure to have you edit this work. I always appreciate your insight and love your positivity. Thank you. C.K. Brooke you caught those pesky last faults, which were many, and smoothed the edges. Thanks a million.
It is estimated there are 24+ million Americans with an autoimmune disease. Lupus is the #10 killer in all women 15-24. I wanted our voices to be heard. I hope it inspires you to remember the end is yet unwritten and the sun will always come up tomorrow (that means us lupies get out the sunscreen). We all have the ability to become the hero in our own stories.
NOTE: The https://screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools/depression was used in Chapter 9.
Liz has a deep love of traveling, the people of the world and their dynamic histories, and reading and writing. She holds a B.A. from John Cabot University, Rome, in addition to a M.A.T. and M.A. in World History from Georgia State University. Her first two romances feature characters with lupus, a chronic autoimmune disease. Lupus has had a significant impact on her on a personal level since before her diagnosis in 2009. From Atlanta, she now lives in Metro-Detroit with her Chinese-American husband, daughter, and adorable Pomeranian.
