by Annie West
Eva’s chest cramped on the words but she knew her expression didn’t give away her pain. Queen of St Ancilla was something she’d never be.
Once more she felt doubt open up inside her. Surely this schedule would cement her as a fixture in St Ancilla’s royalty? Wouldn’t that make her eventual split from Paul more difficult?
But to leave now would undo all the good yesterday’s press conference had done and she knew Paul would be immoveable. He’d flat-out refuse to end their betrothal yet.
Helena pointed to other appointments squeezed in the schedule. ‘This is an old family-run company that makes shoes. It used to be one of St Ancilla’s traditional industries but increasingly it’s under threat from cheap imports. But their shoes are of excellent quality and I thought...’
Eva laughed. ‘So long as they can make more than hiking boots and lace-up brogues, I’ll be happy.’ Though now she thought about it, she needed a new pair of hiking boots.
‘And this one?’
‘A lace-making guild.’
‘Let me guess. Another traditional industry here?’
Helena spread her hands. ‘Why not kill two birds with one stone? You need some clothes and they need—’
‘It’s fine, Helena. If I can do my bit for local tradition and businesses, I’m happy to help.’
Which was how Eva found her days filled with a schedule even busier than the one she had in Tarentia. At least in Tarentia she knew the place intimately. Here, in Paul’s kingdom, she was a newcomer and had to do much more preparation for every engagement.
Despite the years she’d put into studying Ancillan history, politics, geography and language, she didn’t feel nearly as confident in saying or doing the right thing.
She relied on Helena and Paul. Inevitably Paul, for she saw him daily, not only during their joint engagements but every evening over dinner and sometimes at breakfast.
Eva tried to keep her distance, not relax in his company or take it for granted, but it was a battle she’d already lost. Keep her distance? Impossible. This strange situation inspired intimacy, created by their common purpose and the secret about their faux engagement.
Yet it would be over soon enough.
That was what Eva told herself constantly but it had little effect. Each day she looked forward to the time she’d be with him. She responded to his easy smile and ready charm. More than once she found herself basking in his approval as he complimented her on how she’d handled some situation. As for those times when he touched her...a hand at her elbow or the small of her back...it took everything she had not to shiver in response and lean into his hand.
She enjoyed those touches too much.
That was why she didn’t object when those occasional touches grew more frequent, and not just in public.
Such as now, three weeks after the fateful night of the ball and her disastrous night-club visit.
As she entered the small dining parlour Paul held out a chair for her at the breakfast table and gave her a smile that made her head swim. She’d no sooner seated herself than he put his hand on her shoulder as he leaned in and placed a letter on the table before her. Instantly delicious heat flowed through her from his touch.
It was a letter from a local group. It referred to her recent visit and followed up her suggestion to seek royal approval for an initiative they’d discussed.
Eva tried to concentrate on the text. Yet she was too aware of Paul behind her, of the warm clasp of his hand and the soft feathering of his breath across her scalp.
It was only when he walked round to take his seat opposite her that she managed to fill her lungs properly.
Every time he touched her, there it was again. The need, almost overwhelming, to turn to him and give up pretending she didn’t want him.
Memories of their night together interrupted her sleep. Sometimes, seeing Paul’s face in repose, noting tired lines she hadn’t registered before, she wondered if he suffered the same way. But he didn’t push her to change her mind.
Eva told herself she should be thankful he’d taken her at her word. That he didn’t try to pressure her.
Yet a carping voice inside declared it was because he wasn’t that attracted after all. One night had been enough for him.
How she detested that voice.
‘You were a hit.’
Eva looked up, blinking into those mesmerising eyes, and took a moment to understand what he meant.
‘Oh, the letter.’ She lifted her shoulders. ‘They were very enthusiastic. Very forward-thinking.’
‘It sounds like you were too. Your suggestion was a good one. I’ll have the relevant people look at it today.’
Eva glowed at his words, but made herself look away, reaching for a jug of fresh juice.
It was good to be appreciated but, she told herself, she couldn’t allow herself to hang on Paul’s approval as if it was the most important thing in her world. Soon she’d be moving on to an exciting new career surrounded by new people.
As soon as she worked out what that would be...
‘Actually, if you’re receptive to that, I had another idea I wanted to run past you.’
It was easier to talk about the needs of his people rather than her own need for him. These weeks sharing a new level of intimacy had only made her long for more.
Desperately she dragged her mind back to work, explaining the idea she’d had following a discussion with staff from an inner-city school.
‘You want to give them access to the royal hunting lodge?’ He leaned back in his seat, his brow pleating.
‘Not the inside. Well...’ She paused. ‘That’s another possibility but for the future.’ She hurried on. ‘These children live in a poor neighbourhood. They don’t get out of the city, and here is a gorgeous, forested area close to the capital where they could—’
‘Get lost and need a search-and-rescue team called in?’
Eva surveyed him steadily. This wasn’t the response she’d expected. ‘Is it really so dangerous there?’
Paul shrugged but she refused to be distracted into watching his powerful shoulders.
‘If they venture up the mountain into the wildlife reserve.’
‘But if it’s a wildlife reserve, isn’t there a boundary fence?’
‘Well, yes, there is. A couple of kilometres from the lodge.’
‘So a class group could visit the lodge, access the grounds but not go through into the reserve?’
Slowly Paul nodded but he didn’t look enthusiastic. ‘The place isn’t set up for school groups. There aren’t amenities for casual visitors.’
Eva sipped her juice then reached for some fresh figs and honey. ‘I’m not suggesting letting a bunch of kids run wild and unsupervised in a heritage-listed building. My sources tell me there are amenities that can be unlocked at the back of the lodge—toilets and a basic kitchen that are quite separate to the rest of the building. They’re in good condition but don’t get used now there’s no hunting there.’
‘You have done your homework.’ For once he didn’t sound impressed. Eva tried to read his expression but couldn’t.
‘I thought you’d be pleased to put the place to good use. The smaller children would love it. Plus the older ones doing environmental studies or botany. And when I was talking to one of the art teachers it hit me how terrific the place would be for kids interested in sculpture. The plaster lobsters, for a start, would be fun inspiration.’
Eva waited for him to smile at that one but his mouth remained flat.
‘You don’t like the idea.’
She put down the honey and sat back, curiously deflated. It wasn’t that she’d had an earth-shatteringly unique idea but that it had seemed a perfect use for a beautiful, neglected place.
The feeling of connection and partnership she’d begun to experience around Paul disintegrat
ed under his frown.
‘It’s a very worthy proposal. I’ll think about it. In the meantime—’
‘Why don’t you approve?’
Paul noted that obstinately raised chin and clear, questioning gaze and knew Eva wouldn’t give up. It was her tenacious look.
He’d learned to respect it even if she chose the most inconvenient times to stand her ground. Such as these past weeks, sticking to her determination to avoid physical intimacy.
Maybe that was why he felt out of sorts. As if his skin didn’t fit any more. After weeks living under the same roof, Paul was more than ever conscious of Eva sleeping a corridor away. Thirty metres and five doors away, to be precise.
More than once he’d prowled the distance in the middle of the night, drawn to her by a longing so fierce, so all-consuming, it drove him crazy.
But, instead of tapping on the door and waiting for her husky invitation, he’d stand there, hands clenching and unclenching, shoulders high and senses on alert for any sign that she was awake and waiting for him. Then he’d turn silently away and trudge back to his room, or more often his study or the gym, since sleep would elude him.
Because he respected her right to say no.
Even though he was going slowly out of his mind with frustration and thwarted longing.
‘Paul?’
He blinked, focusing on bright eyes and parted lips. He recalled that moment when he leaned close, touching her shoulder, inhaling her fresh hyacinth scent, revelling in the fact she didn’t shy away. But it wasn’t nearly enough for a man raw with hunger.
‘It’s not a matter of approval. It’s just—’
‘You don’t like it.’
The light had gone out of her bright eyes, snuffed out by his inability to share her enthusiasm.
‘I’m considering it.’
She arched one eyebrow and waited, making him feel for the first time in years as if he had to explain himself.
Maybe he did. Eva knew a lot about his past but there was much he preferred to keep to himself. Territory he chose not to visit.
‘On the face of it, it’s an excellent idea.’
‘But you’re not happy about it. I thought you’d be pleased. The way you spoke about the lodge that night made it sound like you’d be happy to tear it down. I know it wouldn’t create an income stream but at least this way someone would get benefit from the place.’
Paul reached for his coffee, sipping it slowly as he considered what, if anything, to tell her.
‘You’re right,’ he said finally. ‘Far better that it gets used.’
Eva said nothing, just regarded him across her untouched meal. She looked as if she’d happily sit there all morning if that was what it took.
Paul drained his cup and put it down with a decisive click.
‘Look, it’s just me being selfish, okay? But I promise the proposal will be considered properly.’ In fact, it made so much sense he could just about guarantee the suggestion would become reality soon.
‘You’re not selfish.’
A huff of laughter escaped him. ‘Of course I am. I’m just like anyone else.’
Eva shook her head, the morning light picking out strands of honey and caramel in her hair. ‘You spend almost every waking hour working for your people, to help St Ancilla thrive. Your plan to release me from our engagement was for my benefit, and you’re even promising to return my dowry, despite the fact it wasn’t you who spent it. I’ve known you for years and have never seen you do a selfish thing yet.’
Paul stared at Eva, taken aback by her intensity as she leaned across the table.
‘You make me sound...’
He shook his head. Didn’t she realise what he’d done that night at the old lodge was pure selfishness? There’d been no noble holding back. One kiss was all it had taken for his vaunted control to drop, and he’d grabbed for what he wanted.
‘I’m no knight in shining armour, Eva. The simple fact is I think of the old lodge as my private place, and now I discover I don’t like sharing.’
‘I wondered if it might be something like that,’ she surprised him by saying. ‘You love it there so much?’
Love? The place had been a punishment then later a bolthole.
‘My attachment to the place is complicated.’
Eva folded her hands together on the table as if waiting for him to continue.
Paul gave a mental shrug. Why not?
He sat back in his chair. ‘My father was...’ Appalling. Irascible. Impossible to please. ‘Difficult. Very difficult. Everything had to be done his way. He tried to mould me into a copy of himself.’
‘I’m so glad he didn’t succeed.’
Paul felt a little jab of heat through the chest at Eva’s words. It was true he’d made it his life’s aim not to be like King Hugo, but hearing Eva say so, especially when she smiled at him that way...
‘My mother ran interference when she could but, from the time I was old enough to realise what sort of man my father really was, we were on a collision course. Nothing I did was good enough. I wasn’t hard enough, didn’t follow his instructions blindly. As a result, I was punished regularly.’
Eva’s expression grew tight with disapproval. ‘He beat you?’
What would have happened if Paul’s mother had turned such a look on her husband when he’d lost his temper instead of turning meekly away?
He shrugged. ‘Yes. But eventually only rarely, because it didn’t have the desired effect.’ Because Paul had been too proud and too determined to let the old man see how close he was to breaking.
‘He tried other methods. One day, when I’d questioned something he said, he had me packed off to the hunting lodge. Told me that if I wanted to be so bloody independent I could have a taste of real independence and see how I fared. I assume he thought I’d give up after a day and ask to come back with my tail between my legs. Or that it would be a salutary, toughening up experience.’
‘I don’t understand. Why would staying at the lodge be tough?’
Paul felt a grim smile tug at his lips. ‘Because I was only nine. I was left there alone in the middle of winter. The electricity was turned off and the water. I was given a couple of days’ rations but no matches. The guards posted at the perimeter had orders not to let me out till I said I was ready to apologise.’
Across the table, Eva’s jaw dropped open. ‘That’s...that’s...’
‘That was my father.’ Paul reached out for a pastry and bit into it with relish. Even now he recalled how sharp true hunger pangs were, and how harsh even a Mediterranean winter could be.
‘After five days, the captain of the guard was allowed in to see how I was doing.’
‘Five days!’ She shot to her feet, her hands planted on the table. ‘He left a nine-year-old alone there for five days? What sort of parent...?’
She choked down the rest of the sentence, making Paul feel all sorts of a fool for distressing her.
Seconds later he was on her side of the table, taking hold of her hands. Her fingers felt cold as they clutched his.
‘Shh. It’s okay. I survived.’
‘But that’s just criminal!’
‘That was my father. You’re not supposed to say it about a parent, but it’s a relief he’s dead. He can’t harm us any more. Plus, we’re spared the need to put him on trial for his crimes against the state.’
Still Eva goggled up at him. ‘But five days! How did you survive?’
‘Well, I was skinnier when they took me home than when I went there.’
Instantly Paul regretted his wry words as he saw her horror.
‘It wasn’t too bad, really, even though my attempts to trap animals to eat were a dismal failure. I had more success with heating, though, so I was warm. I’d seen a documentary showing people lighting fires by rubbing sticks together.
It took me a day and a half—’ and hands rubbed raw to the point of bleeding ‘—but I finally managed it. I set water traps outside to collect rainfall so I had enough to drink. It was actually a bit of an adventure, camping out in one of the smaller rooms with a stack of books from the library and a roaring fire.’
Compared with his regimented life at the palace, it had been bliss. Except for the hunger pains, and those times in the middle of the night when his nine-year-old imagination had turned the lodge into a terrifying place.
‘He was a monster.’ Eva clutched Paul’s hands and his fingers curled around hers.
Even Paul’s mother, though supposedly worn out with worry about him all those years ago, had welcomed him home by trying to make him promise never to cross his father again. It felt good now, having someone so unequivocally on his side, even after all this time.
But it was more than that. This wasn’t just anyone, this was Eva. The fact that she cared so much, even about ancient wrongs like that, made him feel something he’d never felt before.
He felt fuller, as if emotions rose so close to the surface they scraped at his skin. Yet he felt stronger too, as if her caring ignited a fire in him he hadn’t known about.
‘He’s gone now.’ He wanted to wrap his arms around Eva and pull her close. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. To comfort her, and himself. To be together.
Paul stiffened his spine and fought the impulse, trying to respect the boundaries she’d set. Instead he lifted one of those cool hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles.
‘It’s not so bad, Eva. After that my father realised how futile it was trying to discipline me that way. Instead he’d simply banish me for a week or so till he could stand seeing me again.’
‘Not to the hunting lodge!’
He smiled against her hand. ‘It was never mentioned, but after that there was always power and water and plenty of food. I developed a love-hate relationship with the place but, even after all these years, if ever I need time and space I head off to the lodge, which is why there were sheets on the bed and provisions in the kitchen.’
He lowered her hand but kept hold of it. ‘From a purely financial point of view, the old place doesn’t pay its way. Though in the last couple of years it’s been used for staff retreats and planning sessions. Principally, though, it’s my bolthole.’
