by Neil Gaiman
180EXT. AZIRAPHALE’S BOOKSHOP – NIGHT – 2007
Establishing shot of the outside of the shop. Soho. A CLOSED sign on the door.
GOD (V.O.)
While in London, Soho, an angel and a demon had been drinking solidly for the last six of them.
181INT. AZIRAPHALE’S BOOKSHOP, BACK ROOM – NIGHT – 2007
We move through the bookshop, listening to their conversation, until we reach the back room. There are a LOT of bottles of wines and spirits on the various surfaces, along with the teetering piles of books and the Regency snuff box display.
Crowley is drunker than Aziraphale, but they are both drunk.
AZIRAPHALE
So what. Exactly. Is. Your. Point?
CROWLEY
My point is. My point is. The point I’m trying to make is . . . the dolphins. That’s my point.
AZIRAPHALE
Kind of fish.
CROWLEY
Nononono, ’s mammal. Your actual mammal. Difference is . . .
Neither of them are very clear on the differences.
AZIRAPHALE
Mate out of water?
CROWLEY
Don’t think so. Something about their young. Not the point. The point is. Their brains.
He pours himself a huge glass of wine. It takes a lot to get supernatural beings drunk.
AZIRAPHALE
What about their brains?
CROWLEY
Big brains. That’s my point. Size of. Size of. Size of damn big brains. Not to mention whales. Brain city, whales, take it from me.
AZIRAPHALE
Kraken. Great big bugger. Supposed to rise to the surface right at the end, when the sea boils.
CROWLEY
That’s my point, whole sea bubbling, dolphins, whales, everybody turning into bouillab, bouillab . . . fish soup. Not their fault. Same with gorillas. Whoops, they say, sky gone all red, stars crashing to ground, what they putting in the bananas these days?
AZIRAPHALE
All creatures great and small. Poor little, big . . .
CROWLEY
And you know what makes it worse? When it’s all over. You are going to have to deal with . . . ETERNITY!
Crowley makes a huge gesture and sends a glass and contents flying. It smashes, loudly. Aziraphale gestures, and it reforms, slightly drunkenly.
AZIRAPHALE
Eternity?
Crowley has found Aziraphale’s collection of theatre programmes.
CROWLEY
It won’t be so bad at first. No more Stephen Sondheim first nights in eternity, I’m afraid. But I’ve heard rumours that your boss really loves The Sound of Music. Fancy spending eternity watching that? You could literally climb every mountain over and over and over . . .
Crowley walks around the back room . . .
AZIRAPHALE
I don’t like it any more than you, but I told you. I can’t disod – not do what I’m told. ’M anangel. I . . .
(pause)
I can’t cope with this while ’m drunk. I’m going to sober up.
CROWLEY
Me too.
He closes his eyes, and jerks. We watch all the bottles around the room refill with alcohol.
Crowley and Aziraphale look like people who have just become un-drunk and don’t like it.
182EXT. A HILLSIDE ABOVE THE HOSPITAL – NIGHT – 2007
A storm has begun. There’s a motorcade, ready to take the Dowling baby away. Mrs Dowling comes out of the door, with the baby.
GOD (V.O.)
Harriet Dowling took baby Warlock to his new home, an official London residence.
We pull back. From the top of a nearby hill, Hastur steps from the shadows. The Mother Superior and Sister Theresa Garrulous kneel before him, their faces wet from rain.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Our mission is done, Lord Hastur. The baby is in place, and his parents are none the wiser.
HASTUR
No need for the convent any longer, then.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I’m afraid I—
HASTUR
Your order is dissolved.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
We’re what?
SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS
Now hang on a moment. We did everything that was asked of us. What about our rewards?
HASTUR
You irritate me. You never shut up, do you?
SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS
We are a Chattering order. We say what is on our minds, and right now, what’s on my mind is that you can’t treat us like—
Hastur reaches out and puts his hand over Sister Theresa’s mouth, and squeezes. She dies. Hastur looks at the Mother Superior.
HASTUR
Do you want to tell them the order is dissolved? Or do you want them all to perish in the fire?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
(shaken)
What fire?
Hastur gestures. Lightning strikes the roof of the hospital. Now the roof begins to burn . . .
The Mother Superior looks at Hastur, and then runs back down the hill. Hastur begins to laugh, and it’s absorbed by the thunder.
DISSOLVE TO:
183MONTAGE:
We move from the fallen body of the late Sister Theresa Garrulous, to the fallen bodies in the African village square.
From there to Sherryl, the supermodel from the restaurant, on the floor of her apartment bathroom, dead.
From there to the ocean and dead fish, floating in an oil spill . . .
And we finish looking back to the weedkiller boat, and we close in on the death’s head on the poison signs.
Over all this:
GOD (V.O.)
And there’s a Fourth. He’s everywhere, and what he does is what he is. He isn’t waiting. He’s working. Although in a manner of speaking, he’s waiting for everybody.
The sign of the grinning skull on the poison sign. We are looking at an image of DEATH.
184INT. AZIRAPHALE’S BOOKSHOP, BACK ROOM – NIGHT – 2007
Crowley is pacing, impatiently. Putting corks back into wine bottles, perhaps. Aziraphale is agitated. They are both sober. And Aziraphale is coming over to the dark side.
AZIRAPHALE
Look! It’s not that I disagree with you. But I’m an angel. I’m not allowed to disobey.
CROWLEY
You think I am? My people are only into disobedience in general terms. Not when it applies to them.
AZIRAPHALE
Even if I wanted to help, I couldn’t! I can’t interfere with the divine plan.
Crowley gets an idea . . .
CROWLEY
What about diabolical plans? My lot have put the baby in play, after all. You can interfere with that!
AZIRAPHALE
But . . . It’s still part of the overall divine plan.
CROWLEY
Then you can’t be certain that thwarting me isn’t part of the divine plan too. I mean, you’re supposed to thwart the wiles of the Evil One at every turn, aren’t you?
AZIRAPHALE
Well . . .
CROWLEY
You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?
AZIRAPHALE
Broadly. Actually I encourage humans to do the actual—
CROWLEY
The Antichrist has been born. But it’s the upbringing that’s important. Influences. And the evil influences – that’s all going to be me! It would be too bad if someone made sure that I failed.
A dawning light of comprehension in Aziraphale’s eyes . . .
AZIRAPHALE
If you put it that way, Heaven couldn’t actually object to me thwarting you . . .
CROWLEY
It’d be a real feather in your wing.
Aziraphale looks at him, doubtfully. Then he reaches out a hand, and Crowley and Aziraphale shake hands on it.
CROWLEY (CONT’D)
We could be godfathers, sort of. Overseeing his upbringing. If we do it right, he won’t be evil. Or good
. He’ll be normal.
AZIRAPHALE
It might work. Godfathers. Well, I’ll be damned.
CROWLEY
It’s not that bad. Once you get used to it.
We hear a crack of thunder . . .
CUT TO:
185EXT. WARLOCK’S RESIDENCE – DAY – 2012
TITLE CARD: FIVE YEARS LATER
It’s fancy, and there are SECRET SERVICE MEN outside. We see a Mary-Poppins-style NANNY walking towards the house, with her back to us.
The doorbell is pressed. A BUTLER opens the door and Mrs Dowling is watching from the hall. The nanny, wearing dark glasses, reminds us of Crowley. She’s sexy and domineering.
NANNY
I understand you need a nanny.
Warlock peers past his mother at Nanny.
NANNY (CONT’D)
What a delightful child.
186EXT. WARLOCK’S BACK DOOR – DAY – 2012
The back door is opened. A saintly friar-like GARDENER, big Victorian gaffer sideburns, angelic, with a spade, who perhaps reminds us a little of Aziraphale, possibly chewing a grass-blade, raises his hat and says,
GARDENER
They do say as you moight be lookin’ for a gardener.
187EXT. WARLOCK’S RESIDENCE, GARDEN – DAY – 2012
A small boy in a garden. Brother Francis, the gardener, is feeding the birds . . .
YOUNG WARLOCK, aged about 5, wanders over.
YOUNG WARLOCK
Hello, Brother Francis.
GARDENER
Hello, Young Warlock. My, you’re growing fast. You must be all of . . .
YOUNG WARLOCK
Five. I’m five. What’s that?
GARDENER
Brother Pigeon. And here’s Brother Snail . . . Sister Slug. Remember, Warlock, as you grow, to have love and reverence for all living things.
YOUNG WARLOCK
Nanny says living things are only fit to be ground under my heels, Brother Francis.
GARDENER
Don’t listen to her. Listen to me.
188INT. WARLOCK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – 2012
Nanny has wound up the spooky music box and the thing that casts scary shadows on the wall. Young Warlock is in bed.
YOUNG WARLOCK
Will you sing me a lullaby, Nanny?
NANNY
Of course, dear.
(sings)
Go to sleep and dream of pain
Doom and darkness, blood and brains
Sleep so sweet, my darling boy
You will rule, when Earth’s destroyed.
YOUNG WARLOCK
The gardener says that I must be kind and nice to everybody. And hug them. Even Sister Slug. And not ever destroy the earth.
NANNY
Don’t listen to him. Listen to me.
189INT. THE LOBBY OF HELL AND HEAVEN – DAY – AFTER 2012
The lobby of a large London skyscraper. Crowley and Aziraphale both walk into the lobby. They ignore each other. Aziraphale takes the up escalator; Crowley takes the down.
GOD (V.O.)
There are many doors that will take you to Heaven or to Hell, but when Crowley and Aziraphale report in an official capacity to each of their respective head offices, they take the main entrance.
190INT. DOOR 312 – NO DAYLIGHT – AFTER 2012
It’s a grubby office. It’s shadowy, which is good, as we do not want to see the entities to whom Crowley is reporting in too much detail. But in the foreground are Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, who in his body language and with subtle make-up effects reminds us of a fly, and Hastur and Ligur.
In my mind, the demons in Hell are more demonic, less human than the versions we see when they are up above. But they are still basically human . . .
BEELZEBUB
Tell us about the boy Warlock.
CROWLEY
He’s a remarkable child, Lord Beelzebub.
HASTUR
Is he evil?
CROWLEY
Fantastically evil.
LIGUR
Killed anyone yet?
CROWLEY
Not yet. But there’s more to evil than just killing people.
Vague noises of agreement from hellish entities: Crowley has a point.
LIGUR
I s’pose. But it’s fun.
BEELZEBUB
Have you encountered any trouble from the . . . opposition?
CROWLEY
They don’t suspect a thing.
191INT. HEAVENLY OFFICE – DAY – AFTER 2012
We’re at the top of a skyscraper, looking out over London. Aziraphale’s meeting is very similar. Nicer decor.
The incredibly well-dressed people he’s talking to have faces that seem slightly burned out by light. They include Gabriel, a beautiful, fit and rich archangel, MICHAEL, a slightly more studious archangel, URIEL, a hanger-on, and SANDALPHON, an angelic enforcer. They could be at a conference table or just standing around. (There is a similarity to the angels, although they cross all races and do not necessarily have obvious genders. They all like wearing nice suits.)
AZIRAPHALE
I am proud to say that, on a very real level, the Antichrist child is now being influenced towards the light.
Gabriel claps, politely. The other angels copy him, moments later.
GABRIEL
Very commendable. Excellent work, Aziraphale. As usual.
MICHAEL
Yes. But Aziraphale. We will be most understanding when you fail. After all, wars are to be won.
URIEL
Not avoided.
AZIRAPHALE
But I won’t fail. I mean, that would be bad. If I did.
GABRIEL
Aziraphale. What you’re doing is praiseworthy, but obviously doomed to failure. Still, as the Almighty likes to say. Climb every mountain.
SANDALPHON
Ford every stream.
And we finish on Aziraphale’s face, as he winces.
192EXT. LONDON BUS – DAY – AFTER 2012
The top deck of a bus. Aziraphale is reading a paper. Crowley sits down next to him.
CROWLEY
The boy’s too normal.
AZIRAPHALE
Excellent. It’s working. The heavenly influences are balancing out the hellish. A no-score draw.
CROWLEY
I hope you’re right. Six years left to go.
AZIRAPHALE
Crowley?
CROWLEY
Yes.
AZIRAPHALE
What happens if we fail? I mean, if he comes into his full power? How do we stop him then?
CROWLEY
I’m sure it won’t come to that.
Aziraphale shakes his head.
193TITLE CARD: THE PRESENT
TITLE CARD: MONDAY
194INT. HELL, DOG HANGAR
Hastur and Ligur. They are standing in a huge aircraft-hangar-like building in Hell. A huge portcullis-like gate behind them. We can’t see the animal in there, but it would appear to be about thirty feet high and terrifying. It growls.
They are eyeing it nervously. A JUNIOR DEMON near them eyes it with stark terror.
HASTUR
That’s . . . that’s a hell-hound all right.
LIGUR
It’s big.
HASTUR
It’ll be what he wants it to be. His mind will shape it. You! Get in there. Open the gate!
JUNIOR DEMON
Me?
HASTUR
You. Yeah. Watch out for his teeth.
Hastur and Ligur watch, as the demon vanishes off. Hell-hound growls. The sound of a winching gate lifting . . .
Then a scream from the junior demon. Hastur and Ligur wince. Sound of a junior demon being eaten.
LIGUR
It’s not like you didn’t tell him to look out for the teeth.
HASTUR
I think he was hungry.
195INT. HELL, DOG HANGAR
LIGUR
The time is upon us. As
soon as the boy names the hound, Armageddon will begin. Go! Find your master!
They back against the wall, scared, as the shadow of something huge goes past them . . .
196INT. DINOSAUR PARK – DAY
WARLOCK, a couple of days before his eleventh birthday, is being taken around Crystal Palace Dinosaur Park by his mother. There are a number of rather questionable prehistoric creatures dotted around a lake. A secret service man follows them at a discreet distance.
