by Meg Grehan
Her eyes get darker
And her smile changes
I don’t want her to worry
I don’t
“Why do you think you feel that way?
Like you need to know
Everything?”
Mum asks
Like she really wants to know
Like she really wants to
Understand
So I tell her
I tell her how I feel like
Knowing things
Makes me safe
Makes me powerful
Makes me
In control
How I think of bad things
Sometimes
Things that might happen
Things that could happen
They pop into my head
With no warning
With no
Permission
And they play like movies
Like horrible movies
Horror movies
Movies she would never let me see
If she could stop it
But she can’t
And I can’t
I tell her
How I need to know
Just in case
Bad things happen
Small bad things
Or big bad things
Or in-between bad things
Because what if a Bad Thing happens
And I don’t know the thing
The One Thing
That could stop it
And I don’t know that thing
What then
Mum takes a bite of pasta
And makes a “Hmm” sound
And she looks
Thoughtful
This is one of the things
I love love love about my mum
She thinks about every answer
She thinks hard
And when she gives me answers
I always know
They’re real and true answers
So I eat my dinner
And I wait
“OK”
Mum says
And she tells me
That no one knows everything
And that that’s OK
And I nod along
She tells me
That bad things might happen
But that bad things
Might not happen
Too
She tells me that when a Bad Thing
Pops into my head
I should tell her
So she can help me figure it out
And that if I can’t tell her right away
That I should
Write it down
On a piece of paper
And I should fold the paper up
And leave the Bad Thing there
In the ink
On the paper
Until we can deal with it
Together
Then
She says
“Why not make a list
A list of the things
You most want to know
And start with those”
And
I say
“That’s a great idea”
So we do it
We eat spaghetti then we bundle ourselves up
And we go for a walk
And we puff out our breath like dragons
And we look for constellations
And we make a list
The Things I Want to Know About the Most:
The ocean and all the things that live there and why it’s so scary
The stars and all the constellations
How phones work
What happened to Princess Anastasia
Knots
When we’ve come home from our walk
And Mum’s washed the dishes
And I’ve finished my homework
Mum tucks me in
And kisses me on the head
And turns on my reading light
And goes
But instead of reading
I get my list
My Things I Want to Know About list
And add
One more thing
One extra-important thing
The thing I most need to know
6. What is the fizzy feeling in my chest
five
I have a dream about my dad
Which isn’t weird
Because it happens
Every few months
Like my brain just needs to
Check in
Every now
And then
I dream that he’s sitting in our garden
On the grass
And there’s frost on his fingers
And his eyelashes
And his shoelaces
But he doesn’t look
Cold
He doesn’t
Shiver
Or shake
He just sits
Looking
Up up up
At the sky
And when I open my mouth
To say hi
He puts a sparkling finger to his lips
So I look up too
And I see
The stars
And they’re close
They’re closer than ever
Big and white and shining bright bright bright
And I can hear them
Talking to each other
Tiny voices
Like they haven’t noticed us
Like they’re much too
Busy
Much too
Important
For us tiny little things
With our funny little bodies
Our cold noses
Our goosebumps
Our breath erupting
Like tiny clouds
Proving we’re here and alive and real
And that thought
Is so strangely
Comforting
That I sit down
Beside my dad
On the cold grass
And we just
Watch
And listen
And the stars
Float down
So slowly
We hardly even notice
Until they’re around us
And we can’t even tell
If they’re on the ground
Or we’re in the sky
And either way
Is fine by us
When I wake up
I write it all down
The stars and the frost and the magic of it all
I write it all
Fast as I can
In case it escapes my head
So fast that I spell words wrong
And my handwriting is scratchy and messy
And it doesn’t matter
Because all that matters
Is not forgetting
We used to go for walks
Dad and me
Always late at night
Only on nights
With stars
He’d wake me up
With a little
Shake
And a happy
“They’re bright tonight!”
Then he’d wrap me in wool
Until I waddled
Coat, scarf, hat, mittens
Check, check, check, check
We’d take his big flashlight
I’d hold it
With both hands
Until my arms ached
And I’d wait
For fear to twist in my belly
For shadows to move
And trees to creak
For a beast to appear in the flashlight
But we’d just walk
All alone in the quiet
And he’d point out
Constellations
He’d tell me their names
And what they meant
And I always wondered
How he knew
Becau
se he didn’t read books
Or talk about
Smart stuff
But asking
Felt mean
And I
Felt mean
For thinking it
But he didn’t know
He just pointed at stars
And on those nights
He was the smartest
And when the flashlight
Became too heavy
He’d take it
And my hand
In his big scratchy hands
And we’d go home
I miss him sometimes
And I used to feel guilty
For not missing him
All the time
But now I think that’s OK
Because I have all I need here
And hopefully he has all he needs there
At breakfast I write the dream out
Neat and proper
On a nice fresh sheet of paper
And Mum finds me an envelope
(A pink one that’s really for a birthday card but Dad won’t mind)
And we write his address on the front
And I lick the stamp
And then we walk to the post box
And she tells me about her dreams
six
Mum gets me a book
She gives it to me the next day after school
And says it’s an early Christmas present
Because I’m so good
Which makes me blush
And she says she hopes it will help me
Tick one thing off the list
Which makes me excited
It’s a massive book
Gigantic and heavy and full of big words and colorful photos
The Ocean and Its Inhabitants
I flick through
And fear makes my spine feel wobbly
Like I might crumple
But I want to know
I want to understand
Everything there is to know
Everything there is to understand
So I flick to page one
And I open my notebook
And I start reading
First
I read about the
Cookie-cutter shark
A small shark
That eats by cutting circles out of fish bellies
With its sharp little teeth
Every single day
They swim up
Up up up
To the top
So they break the surface
At dusk
And at dawn
They turn
And they go back
Down down down
Into the sea
Only to turn back around
Again
I don’t know why they do that
Not yet
But I think
That’s kind of how I feel
About learning things
Like I read and read and I get to the top of the pile
But by the time the sun comes back up
There’s so much more to know
And I need to start again
And I’m anxious again
At school the next day
I’m tired
I’m tired through and through
Because dreams keep coming
Sometimes dreams
Sometimes nightmares
Sometimes something in the middle
Always vivid and long and way
Way too
Real
Even the good ones
Feel too big for my brain
I wake sleepy
As if my body slept
But my brain
Worked and worked
All night
And in the morning
It has nothing left over
In the morning we have a spelling test
Then we do math
And then it’s lunchtime
I don’t like lunchtime
Especially in winter
It’s cold and loud and boring
I sit on the best bench
Beside the best tree
And I read
A book about a boy
With an alien for a brother
And a best friend named
Sarah
I think the boy has a crush on Sarah
Because he blushes when he talks to her sometimes
And he wants to hold her hand
But I’m not sure
Because I don’t blush when I talk to Andrew
And I definitely don’t want to hold his hand
So maybe
I really don’t know what a crush is
Sometimes Mum says I’m going to marry Andrew
Because I’ve known him since we were babies
And we’ve always been best friends
But she always says it
With a smile
And a little laugh
So I’m not really sure
If it’s a truth or a joke
If it is a truth
I don’t feel very happy about it
And if it is a joke
I don’t think it’s a very good one
But I don’t want to hurt
Mum’s feelings
So I laugh
A small not-real laugh
It’s not a lie
It’s just a little empty
Is all
I don’t want to marry Andrew
That’s one of the things I know
Andrew is nice
And we still get along
Pretty well
Even though he likes football a lot now
And I don’t
He’s still nice to me
And I’m still nice to him
I like when he comes over
And when we watch movies
And bake
I know that I think he’s interesting
And that I’m glad I know him
But I know
For sure
I don’t want to marry him
And I wish
My mum wouldn’t say it
Because it makes me worry
That maybe
She means it
That maybe
That’s what she sees when she pictures me grown-up
And I don’t think
That’s what my grown-up self
Will be
When I’m just about to finish page 164
Something happens
Something bad
I know it’s bad because it’s loud and fast
And everyone gasps
And then there’s a split second
Of silence
And then a wail
I look up and
Chloe
Is on the ground
And she’s clutching her knee
And I see red
Sneaking through her gray tights
And I hear someone yell
“Find Ms. Matthews!”
And before I know it
I’m up
I’m off the bench
And I’m running
Running running
All the way over
To Chloe
Which is funny
Because I don’t remember telling my legs to move
But they do it anyway
And I don’t tell them to stop
Chloe is crying so hard
Her face is all red
And she has snot dripping down to her lips
And she looks
So sad
It makes my heart hurt
In a sudden
Spiky way
So I take her hand
And my lips start to say
“It’s OK, Chloe!”
Over and over
And I pull her up off the ground
And I say I’ll take her to the nurse
And she holds my hand
Really really hard
But that’s OK
And we hobble inside
Her limping
And me pretending my hand isn’t being crushed
When we get to the nurse
Chloe is still crying
But a little less
Which is a relief
Because then my hand
And my heart
Hurt a little less
But then something strange happens
And I don’t know what it means
Chloe
Lets go of my hand
And suddenly
I feel
Sad
Sad in the pit of my tummy
Sad to the tips of my fingers
And I think
I want her to keep holding my hand
And I wonder
Why
Chloe hugs me then
A bear hug
Big and welcoming and warm
She wraps me up
Somehow
Even though we’re the same size
She wraps me up and squeezes tight
And whispers
“Thanks, Stevie”
And then my hand doesn’t hurt anymore
Not at all
The nurse cleans Chloe’s knee
And slathers on a cream
That even smells sting-y
And Chloe cries a bit
And squeezes my hand again
Then the nurse puts a bright orange bandage over the cut
And tells Chloe she was very brave
And me that I was very kind
Afterwards
Back in the hallway on the way to class
Chloe says
“Thank you”
In a quiet
Extra-nice way
And I say
“No problem”
And I make sure
Not to look up
To keep staring down at the ground
Counting tiles
Just in case
She sees my bright pink cheeks
At home that night
I tell Mum all about it
Even about how
My heart felt light and heavy
And real and not real
And fast and slow
All at the same time
And she says
Maybe
I should be a doctor when I grow up
