by Meg Grehan
And I can use it for homework
And looking up things
That Mum doesn’t know
The answers to
If I ask first
So I ask
Can I please
And Mum says
Yes
And asks me
What I’m looking up today
And I say
Fish
Because it isn’t a lie
Just only
Half the truth
Which doesn’t
Really
Make it feel any better
So
I look up fish
First
Just to keep it
As true
As I can
I look up the
Odontodactylus scyllarus
Which is also called
The peacock mantis shrimp
(Thank goodness)
Peacock mantis shrimp
Are shrimp
That look
Like they’ve eaten
Rainbows
They’re red and blue and green and yellow and they can punch
With the speed
Of a
Bullet
Mum plonks a mug of hot chocolate down beside me
Which makes me feel
Grateful and guilty
At the same time
And I think I might be
Allergic to secrets
What do crushes feel like?
I type it into the search bar
The squiggle in my chest getting
More wiggly and uncomfortable
With every word
A million results appear
Full of words like
“I just knew”
And pictures of boys and girls holding hands
Of Mickey and Minnie
And princes and princesses
Of cartoon girls with pink bows and long eyelashes
Blushing beside cartoon boys
With blue T-shirts
I sigh
None of this helps
So I start over
And with my shaky hands
I start to type
Can a girl
Have a crush on another—
“Stevie, can you—”
I jump
And smash my hands on the keyboard
Filling the search bar with
A mess of letters and numbers and symbols
And Mum appears behind me
I close the window
And stare at the fish on the screen
And Mum is still talking
But all my ears can hear
Is my blood
Pounding in my head
I’m going to have to try
Something else
I lie on the floor of my bedroom
All afternoon
With a notebook and my favorite pen
And I write
Everything
All of the feelings
All of the thoughts
All of the pictures that flood my head
When I see her
When I talk to her
When she smiles at me
I write it out
Then in a second of hot humiliation
I scratch it all out
And start over
And over and over
Until the words don’t look so weird anymore
Until the words don’t feel so strange
I feel warm
I feel like smiling
I feel
Aware of myself
Of all the good parts of me
Of how I’m smart and interesting and sometimes I’m funny
Because I think she sees those things
And if she sees those things then they must be true
I write it all
Again and again
Until I think
Maybe
I could say them out loud
Maybe
I could ask the question
What does it mean
Does it mean
What I think it does
By the time it’s dark out
I’ve decided to ask my mum
Because mums know things
And I have a hole in my knowing
A big gap
Where there should be something
But there isn’t
And I think it’s a thing that matters
Because the gap feels
A little bit cold
And my heart feels confused and a little
Dizzy and fizzy and
Weird
“Mum”
I say
And she says
“Yes, Stevie?”
And I say
“You know Chloe
Who sits beside me
At school?”
And Mum nods
“Well”
I say
And I wish I’d planned better
Because words
Just come spilling from my mouth
And I have zero control
Over any of them
“She paints her nails”
I tell Mum
“Every week they’re a new color
And by Friday
They’re a mess
They’re bitten and chipped
And I want to fix them
I want to paint her nails”
Mum looks confused
I’m not making any sense
None of my words are doing what I need them to do
“I want to touch her hair”
I blurt out
And Mum’s eyebrows fly up
But I don’t know what that means
And the not knowing
Makes it all worse
Way worse
Words are coming out fast
And I can’t stop them
“I want to brush her hair
Because it looks soft
And I want to braid it
I think”
What am I saying
Why am I saying any of this
It makes no sense
It’s all true
But it still makes no sense
“I like her more than anyone else”
I say
And the words stop
For a second
So I can take a breath
And wish wish wish for Mum to say something
But she doesn’t
So I try
“It’s like
How I always wanted that
Doll
The Barbie
Scientist Barbie
Because she was so pretty
And cool
And I—”
“Girls aren’t dolls”
She says
And I know that
“Dolls aren’t girls”
She says
And I know that too
And it seems that all she knows
Is stuff that I already know
So I zip my lips
And we watch TV
Usually when I ask my mum
Questions
Big or small or silly or smart
She gives me
Answers
Big or small or silly or smart
She wraps them up and hands them over
Like little presents
New things to know
And I unwrap them
And add them to my collection
And I feel
Better
But this time
I think she forgot
To put the words in
I think
She just gave me
Wrapping paper
With tape and ribbon and a bow
But nothing
Inside
And this time
I don’t feel
Better
At all
I have a nightmare
T
hat water is coming
And I’m standing
All alone
In the middle of a road
And I yell
But no one comes
They’re all gone
And I think they must have known
So they ran
And they forgot me
Or they left
So I stand
Small and alone and me
And there it is
A wave
Stretching up up up
Scooping the clouds and pulling them
Down down down and
Crash
The wave hits
And water bursts over the whole of the world
And I hold my breath as I’m
Pushed and pulled and turned and twirled and I want to scream
But I know
If I do
The water will pour in
So I have no choice
I can be full of screams
Or full of water
So I swim
I swim swim swim
Up up up
Don’t look around
Just swim up
And beg my breath to last
Until I reach the top
Until I reach
The surface
But I’m swimming
And I’m swimming
And I’m swimming
And there is no top
And there is no surface
Everything
Is water
And
I wake up
And I slap my hands to my mouth
And I cram my screams back into my mouth
And I swallow them
Down down
Down
nine
It snows all night
And when I wake up
The house is freezing
And Mum is on the phone
But she’s put
Extra marshmallows
In my hot chocolate
I count them
Five extra mini marshmallows
And I wonder
If they’re to make up for
The words she didn’t give me
Yesterday
Five marshmallows
Five words
I suppose
I poke a half-melted pink one
With my spoon
What could it mean
Good or OK or fine or
Bad or weird or wrong
I don’t know
Mum hangs up and sighs
And worry gurgles in my tummy
But she comes into the kitchen
Smiling
So I smile too
“Good news”
She says
And I look up at her
My brain already racing through ideas
Too fast to really see any
“You get a snow day!”
She says
And I can tell I’m supposed to be excited
So I smile big big big
And say
“No way!!!”
With extra exclamation marks
And she gives me a look
That can only mean
Love
So I really really look at her
And I blink extra hard
So my brain knows to please
Remember
Mum still has to go to work
Because
She says
Adults don’t get snow days
Which seems very unfair
She calls my auntie Judith
Even though I insist I’ll be fine on my own
And Judith says she’ll come over at lunchtime
Which sounds fine to me
And terrible to my mum
Mum has me lock and unlock the door
Five times in a row
Just so she knows I know how
She teaches me how to use the microwave
Even though I’ve used it
A billion times
She shows me where the fire extinguisher is
Which is a little scary to think about
But I can see she’s more scared than I am
So I roll my eyes
Like she’s being silly
And pass her her gloves
And tell her to be careful in the snow
And tell her that I love her
And that Auntie Judith will be here soon
And that I’ll be totally completely
One hundred percent fine and good and OK
And then she leaves
I watch Mum waddle to the car
A penguin on ice
And drive away
And I wave and wave and wave
Until she’s gone
And then I find my schoolbag
And tip everything out onto my bed
And start looking for everything I need
For my expedition
Things I Might Need:
My notebook
Pens (blue and red and green and purple)
My water bottle
My mittens
My library books (all finished)
A flashlight (just in case)
The emergency cellphone Mum gives me for school trips and sleepovers
The bus timetable
My library card
My coin purse
Emergency ten-euro note from the bill jar
I need to know
What this feeling in my chest is
What it’s called and
What it means and
Why it’s there
I need to know
And when there’s something
I need to know
I go to the
Library
So
I wrap up
Keeping to as many of Mum’s rules as I can
Sweater
Coat
Scarf
Hat
Mittens
Chunky socks
And big boots
I check every power switch twice
And check the oven three times
Even though I don’t think it’s been turned on today at all
I lock
Unlock
And lock
Every door and window
Just to be sure
I don’t like feeling
Anything but
Love
About my mum
It doesn’t feel right
But right now
I feel
So many
Things
About my
Mum
I feel love
Always love
But underneath
I feel sad
And a little
Disappointed
I feel worried
And anxious
And mostly
I feel
Distant
Like someone grabbed us
Each of us
And pulled and pulled
Until there was a gap
Where there’s never been a gap
Until there was
Distance
Where usually
We were
Together
Side by side
Like someone
Pulled us apart
And I’m afraid
I’m afraid
That that person
Was me
“OK”
I say
Sadly
To no one
In particular
To the walls
And the couch
And the TV
And the cactus on the coffee table
“OK”
And I open the front door
As I walk out the door
I grip the key
With its big fuzzy key ring
In a mittened hand
Right in front of my face
So it doesn’t have any chance
To disappear
I walk carefully
I don’t make eye contact with strangers
I look both ways before I cross the road
And go only when the little glowing person is green
I stick to as many rules
As I possibly can
So maybe
If Mum finds out about my
Fact-finding mission
She’ll know
I never wanted to hurt her
Never ever never
ten
I memorized the bus timetable
When I was eight
Just in case
Mum always says
Just in case
So I know I need to walk
All the way to the bus stop
And wait for the bus with the glowy 32
And I know I need to pour exactly
€2.20 into the hole beside the driver
I feel the coins
Lots of little ten cents and twenty cents
And some little copper fives
They’re heavy in my pocket
And I keep my hand
Buried in them
Just in case
They disappear
The walk takes twelve minutes
Which is five more minutes
Than usual
Because my feet kept sinking
Into the snow
And in my head
I imagine it is quicksand
And that I am in a jungle
Warm and full of monkeys
And lions and snakes
But then that gets
A little scary
So I stop
And come back to the snow and the cold
The bus arrives three minutes after
I get to the bus stop
And I’m the only one there
And there are only four other people inside
So I get the best seat
Right at the front
We speed through town
Through the snow and ice and sludge
And I count Santas
One two three
