by Becker Gray
“Nah, I got it.” I narrowly avoided one of the first years also headed for the bonfire. Yes, it was a Hellfire Club party, but once everyone knew that the boys were going, it had turned into a thing. There was something about the boys. They had this way of making everyone want to be near them.
Myself included. It was like a proximity to hotness or something.
And honestly, it had calmed down quite a bit since most of them were coupled up. I didn’t want to think about what was going to happen when Phin got a girlfriend for real.
That would hurt like hell. But the school year was almost over. The likelihood I would actually have to see that happen was slim to none.
Except you do care about that.
I did. He’d started to feel like mine.
When I took the stairs two at a time, I focused on the words he’d said to Brantley at the art exhibition. You don’t know how beautiful and strong and determined she is. How goddamn magical.
And I could still see Brantley’s face as Phin had spoken.
You were lucky too, because Brantley had his suspicions.
But Phin’s words, the way he’d said them—they’d seemed so sincere. I wanted them to be. But there was no way that I could be that much of a glutton for punishment.
Except you are.
Somewhere between faking it and his kisses, I had started to fall for him again. He’d made it past my cracks. Past my hard exterior shell, and now I lived for the way his thumb threaded over my knuckles. I lived for that easy smile, and the way he tucked my hair behind my ear. I lived for the way he waited for me outside of class and the way he smiled at me at breakfast. I was beyond attached to him. Which was problematic.
But I wasn’t going to worry about that now. Now I was going to get my lip balm, and then I was going to go enjoy this bonfire with my friends. Our friends really. They were like my family.
I swiped my key card, shoved open my door, and ran to my bathroom. Sure enough, my lip balm was on the counter. It was as if Phin had a sixth sense and knew me well enough to know that I had left it somewhere.
I jammed it into my bag and then ran to my bureau and spritzed some perfume into the air, before walking through it. Not that I wanted to smell extra nice for him or anything, but just, you know.
Uh-huh. You are so smitten with him.
I could lie all I wanted to, I could tell all the lies about how I wasn’t completely head over heels for Phineas Yates, but even I knew they were bullshit.
The question was, how was I going to survive it when this was all over?
Jogging out of my room, I closed the door behind me, made sure it was secure, and then turned toward the stairs. I froze. At the end of the hall, there was a familiar face.
I frowned.
No. No. No. No.
I refused to believe it. I was seeing things. I had to be seeing things.
Chad. He couldn’t be here. He wasn’t here. I was deluded. That was it. I was one hundred percent deluded.
Except he smiled at me and said, “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”
I shook my head. “No. What are you doing here?”
“Aww, is that how you treat an old friend? Looking sexy as always. I’ve missed you.”
The bile rose up in my throat. And I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t breathe. All the things Sloane had taught me about survival and my instincts were failing me right now. Fear was taking over. Fear locked me in place instead of sending me flying in anger. Anger, I could do. Rage, I knew how to do. But no, I felt nothing but fear.
That was the prevailing emotion right now. Pure terror.
I hated that I couldn’t do anything. I felt helpless.
“What? No hi for me? Ah, tsk tsk. I’m starting to think you don’t like me. Want a hug?”
I was not going to let this man touch me. I didn’t care what I had to do or who I had to kill, he didn’t get to touch me. No way, no how.
I needed to move. I needed to run. I needed to do something. Say something. Vanish. Disappear. Please God, help me.
“Oh come on, now. Don’t be like that. I came all this way just to see you and your friends.”
I frowned at the way he said your friends. “They don’t want to see you.”
“Oh, come on, did you know that your little friends are the real assholes? They broke my fucking nose. Broke my clavicle too. It took months to recover. So, I owe your friend, what’s his name again? Rhys? Yeah. He’ll get a piece of me when I see him again.”
No. Not Rhys. Because Rhys had helped me, and I hated for him to get caught up in this mess.
Don’t worry about Rhys. Run.
But I couldn’t move. I couldn’t force my body to do anything other than stand there and hyperventilate. Shallow breaths in, shallow breaths out.
And then, like a beacon of hope, I heard a voice. “Aurora, what’s going on up there? I told you what would happen if you took too long. Looks like you need help, and I am happy to be the one to help you.”
Oh God. Phin.
“Come on,” Phin called. “Unless you really, really don’t want to go to this bonfire. In which case, I am happy to hang out here all night.”
That was all it took. His voice dusted the fear off of me. The fear that had threatened to take over. Phin’s voice was like my beacon, and I could move. I could breathe. I could scream. I stumbled toward the stairs, too frightened to look behind me to see if Chad was following. “Oh my God, Phin! Chad… Chad’s up here.”
All I heard were thundering steps after that. Phin rounded the top of the stairs first, followed closely by Rhys and Sera. When I glanced out in the hallway again, Chad was gone.
Phin—after a cursory look at me to make sure I was okay—took off running after him. Rhys just met my gaze and gave me a nod. His way of letting me know that he was going to deal with it.
Sera immediately took me into her arms. “You’re okay. I got you.”
I was shaking. Now that he was no longer standing in front of me, there was a part of me that was certain I’d imagined him.
It was funny how your brain did that to you. Made it seem like you were hallucinating, even though you knew, you absolutely knew, that the fear was real, that the terror was tangible. Brains were a bitch that way.
Sara just kept rubbing my shoulders.
“I’m not crazy, Sera.”
“No one said you were, Aurora.”
“I feel crazy.”
“Look at me.” I lifted my gaze to meet her dark, insightful eyes. “You are not crazy. No one thinks that you are. Not a single person. And if anyone even dares to have that opinion, let me know and I will deal with them.”
I gave her a wobbly, wan smile. I believed her. She would deal with them, and they would pay a steep price.
“I just—God, I feel insane.”
She hugged me tightly to her. “Honey, you had something awful happen. You know you can talk to me about it. Or Sloane. Maybe it’ll help you feel a little better?”
“I know it would.” I pulled back a little, not meeting her eyes. I wasn’t embarrassed that I was seeing someone, but I had basically zero practice talking about things like this. “I am, um, already talking to someone though. A therapist who specializes in people who’ve been through sexual assault and things like that.”
Sera’s face didn’t crease in pity or judgement. She gave me a warm look. “I think that’s awesome, Aurora. I really do.”
“I just wanted to be more of a badass about it, I guess,” I said, scuffing my boot on the floor. “I’m always all about having fun and being loud, you know? I guess I wish that I felt that way inside too. Like nothing that’s not fun can touch me. But after I opened the envelope…”
She frowned. “What envelope?”
“From the exams they did afterward.”
Her eyes went wide. “Oh.”
“It wasn’t—I should have been relieved, you know? Like it was so much less traumatizing than it could have been. But it didn’t f
eel like it was less traumatizing. I still felt the same, and I—” I kicked my boot on the floor again, as if that would stop the squirming in my guts whenever I thought of it.
Breathe. That’s what the therapist always said. Breathe.
“I knew after the envelope that I wasn’t going to just get over it like I thought I should. So I found the therapist, and she’s helped me so much.”
“I’m really glad,” Sera said. “And if you ever want to talk about this with your friends… I just want you to know that you’re also safe with us.”
“I know. I know.”
She touched my shoulder. “And it doesn’t have to be me. Maybe Phin?”
I shook my head. “Oh my God, I’m not talking to Phin about this.”
Although, even as I said it, I thought of him handing me the OC spray in the woods. I thought of the way he’d looked at me during the art showcase.
Maybe I could talk to him about it after all.
Sera studied me then. “I mean look, I didn’t think the two of you would be together long, really. I was certain you hated him. But you actually… I don’t know. It makes sense. And the way he looks at you is the real deal. I’m really happy for you.”
I was surprised to feel the smile spreading across my face. “I’m really happy for me too.”
Because despite everything, it really did feel like the real deal.
* * *
When Phin and Rhys returned, they came back empty-handed, and I knew Chad was gone. Either I’d imagined him, or he had been here and gotten away.
Neither one was a comforting thought.
Rhys met my gaze and nodded. “I’m going to call the same folks I called last time. I’ll just let them know to keep an eye out for him.”
I nodded, not knowing what to say. I was just so grateful these people were my friends, even if I didn’t always understand Rhys’s motivations.
But nobody really understood Rhys or the games he played. Or why he played them.
Sera left to go to the others at the bonfire so they would leave me be. Rhys went to deal with the Morellis, and then I was left alone with Phin. I swiped the key card to my room and let us both in. As soon as we were alone, he wrapped me in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry, I should have just come up with you.”
“Come up for what? I am capable of being alone for a couple of minutes.”
“I know. I just… God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry we didn’t find him.”
I studied him closely. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”
His brow furrowed. “Why would I think you are crazy?”
“Well, if I were you, I’d think I was crazy.”
He frowned. “Then that would make me a shitty fake boyfriend.”
“You’re not a shitty fake boyfriend.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re a great girlfriend.”
He didn’t say fake in front of the word girlfriend, and despite everything, my stomach fluttered a little at that.
“I saw him, and I just froze. I wish I could explain. It’s like the fear held me in place. I didn’t know what to say or do.”
“That’s normal Aurora, and when you’re scared of something, that is bound to happen.” He sighed and then took my hand. “I’m here. You’re not alone. You don’t have to be scared.”
“I just wish I’d had you that night.”
“You have me now. And I’m not going to let anything happen to you again.”
“Why are you being so nice to me? You don’t even know me. You don’t even know what happened.”
“I know that I believe you. When you say you saw Chad, I believe you. That means we need to protect you and cover you. You should probably talk to your mother about extra security again. I know they’re stationed at a distance, but maybe it’s time to bring them back a little bit closer.”
“Nothing has ever happened here at Pembroke.”
“I know. But do you have to wait for something to happen? If you see him on campus, then that means danger. The guards should know that he slipped their net.”
I nodded. “All right.” It was a smart move. My personal protection had been prepped and was already down at the bonfire with a few stationed along the way. There was nobody here on campus. I felt like a fool. “I mean, all this really started because I was mad at you that night.”
He touched my face, studying my expression. “What happened next, Aurora? After you were mad at me?”
“I wish I knew. I honestly don’t remember the whole night.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “It’s okay. It’s all right.”
“No, it’s not all right, Phin. I close my eyes and I see these snippets of him crowding me against a wall, and I can’t piece it together. I was so wasted.”
He hushed me and kissed my temple. “This is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
And then for some reason, everything just started to spill out. Everything I’d been holding inside for months came tumbling out of me.
“God, I was so furious with you. Someone had told me you were hooking up with Lea again. And I just—I don’t know, lost it. I grabbed a bottle of gin or whatever the hell it was and took off. When Owen’s brother Felix found me on the veranda, he asked if I wanted to go out, so I said sure. And of course, he was with Chad. I figured since we’d known him forever that he was probably harmless. I remember Felix trying to get me to leave the bar with him, so he could take me home, and I… I think I screamed at him. Some bullshit about him being on your side and how all fuckboys were the same.”
I shook my head, and the movement alerted me to the tears falling down my cheeks. I wiped them away. But I think Phin had already seen them, because he took over the action with a far gentler swipe of his thumb. “And so he ran off. He left me.”
“I could kill him for that.”
“That’s the thing; it’s not his fault. He tried. He really tried to get me to go. He offered to just put me in a cab, something, anything, and I just wouldn’t listen. If I had only listened to him.”
“Aurora, it’s not your fault.”
“Do you know I saw a doctor after? Because I had all these fingerprint marks on my thighs. Just to know one way or the other, you know? And he didn’t—there wasn’t any evidence that he—
“ I took another deep breath. ”But I still keep remembering how scared I was. How mean he was. Whatever did happen, I knew that he had hurt me. I was roughed up and my clothes were torn. And the bruises he left…“
Phin pressed his forehead against mine. “Assault is still fucking awful, Aurora. He’s still a monster. What happened is still a big deal. The biggest.”
I let out a breath, feeling his exhales mingle with mine. “Thank you for understanding that. Sometimes it feels like because it wasn’t the worst possible outcome that I should be handling it better. Like I should be finished having feelings about it.”
Phin sucked in a breath. “I hope I’ll be the one to catch him. I’ll make him pay for everything he’s done to you.”
“The hell of it was that I wanted to stop drinking long before that, but he laughed at me and said that’s why you would never want me… because I didn’t know how to hang. I didn’t know how to party as much as you. And then I had to prove a point. To myself, I guess, that the thing between us was all your fault and not mine.”
“Jesus, Aurora, I’m sorry.”
“He’s the one who should be sorry. You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong.”
He watched me then. “Our relationship wasn’t an excuse for him to hurt you,” he said solemnly.
I nodded. “You’re right. What we have is beautiful, even if it’s been a little rocky to get here.” I looked up into those deep brown eyes, suddenly feeling my heart pressing into my throat, like it was desperate to squeeze its way free and crawl to him. “I know I shouldn’t,” I admitted quietly, “but I have totally fallen for you.”
His body went still for a moment. “Why shouldn’t you fall for me?”
/>
“Because you don’t want me,” I whispered.
His gaze burned down at me. “On the contrary, Aurora, you are all I have ever wanted. In spite of all our misunderstandings, you are everything to me.”
For the second time tonight, I forgot how to breathe. But this time, it felt wonderfully, deliriously perfect. “Phin, I don’t trust myself.”
“That’s okay. I trust you enough for both of us.”
“That’s just the thing; I don’t trust myself, but I do trust you. And what you said to Brantley the night of the art installation felt so real to me.”
“That’s because it was the truth. You are the strongest of all of us. I’m just lucky you let me in your orbit.”
With a sniffle, I tucked into him. “I’m tired of fighting this. I’m tired of fighting us. This is the only place I want to be.”
“And I only want to be here. I’m not going unless you physically remove me. And good luck with that. I’ll be a lot.”
I laughed. “Hey, Phin?”
“Yeah, Aurora?”
“I’m sorry I tried to poison you.”
He barked out a laugh. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that too.” And then there was a long pause of silence. “Hey, Aurora?”
My voice was a soft whisper. “Yes?”
“I love you.”
The fear that had been clouding my entire mind dissipated, and I met his gaze. For a single second, I wondered the worst. I wondered if he was charming me, seducing me, playing me.
But his face—the blaze in his stare, the flush in his cheeks—he was telling the truth. He had to be.
“I love you too, Phin.”
His smile at those words was brighter than any bonfire. He kissed my forehead. “Let’s find your security team, and then I think we could all use a little rest.”
Chapter Fifteen
Aurora
I lay in my bed that night, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I wished I had a roommate like Tanith or Sera or Sloane, someone to talk to, someone to keep me from feeling like a single boat drifting alone at sea.
But tonight I was grateful for the solitude. After speaking out loud about what had happened with Chad, I felt peeled apart, cracked open. Like I’d had open-heart surgery and the surgeon had forgotten to close up my ribcage and sew me back together. I felt so raw, so shaky, and the only thing I wanted was—
