My mind backtracked to yesterday when Becca couldn’t stop laughing at a message she’d received. I’d asked her what she was giggling like a juvenile at as we drove home from school.
“You there, Violet?”
I let out a moan as I turned onto my stomach and rested the phone in front of me.
“It Was Always You? Really, Meekai?”
He would’ve been able to hear the smile in my voice. I couldn’t deny how going to the trouble of organizing Becca to infiltrate my ringtone, just for the dramatic gesture alone, made me feel wanted. Only Meekai would play that hand with an unapologetic smile on his face.
Silence set in from the other end of the phone and I wondered what he was thinking. I noticed that I tended to wonder far too much, and I needed to be bold. I mean, if he can, I can.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked with honest curiosity.
A stuttered breath sounded through the phone; the sound made my stomach roll. I realized just by that one breath that he had his insecurities, too. I mean we all did. In the end, we were basically insecurity wrapped in skin, parading as humans who looked like they had their shit together. We were all just winging it. If we just said what we thought when it mattered, maybe we’d be a little more evolved and a lot surer of where we stood.
“You’ve got me on the phone, Meekai. Tell me what you want. You said you wanna be my friend, and I’ve been thinking about it.” The silence on the other end made me feel uneasy, but I continued, “I’ve come to a decision.” More silence. Keep moving, Radley. “I want that. I really want that with you, Kai.”
I waited.
“You called me Kai,” he said in a low timbre that rattled and tore at the vulnerability in his usually confident voice.
“I did. I promised I never would, but I guess this might be the moment to pull it out and get you talking. You’ve never had a problem telling me what you think, Meekai . . . now I’m the one who feels like she’s rambling like a complete idiot. Help me out here.”
“You’re not an idiot.” He laughed softly. “I guess I just thought I knew what I was doing . . . had it all worked out. But I don’t, Violet. I heard your voice and . . .”
More silence.
“And?” I encouraged.
“You know I want more than that, right? For now, we’ll work on friendship and I’ll respect the fact that you’re unsure. You said you needed me to help you walk . . . This is my way of showing you how to walk alongside me. Oh, and you got it wrong.”
“What did I get wrong?” I questioned
“I don’t wanna be your friend. I wanna be your best friend. Me and you, biffles for life. I don’t want any of this basic friend shit. I want the best of you, and the worst.”
I smiled. A big, ugly, toothy grin. But just as quickly as it came it disappeared, taken away by the only truth I’d ever known; the fact that the worst parts of me might be a deal breaker.
“I don’t understand . . . why? There are so many options, easy options, Meekai. Undamaged options. I’m so confused. I don’t want to step into trust just to have you walk away when my insecurities have you questioning why you even bothered with me in the first place.”
“You can’t shake me, Radley. And honestly, I don’t want you to be able to. I’m not walking away from something I’m hell bent on having. I want you. I just want you,” he confessed, sighing, sounding so serious. I knew we were about to draw a line in the sand, I just wasn’t sure if we’d land on the same side. “I want to be your friend, your best friend, yes, Radley . . .”
I waited, but nothing came. Again, silent breaths echoed like a drum in an empty room.
“Radley, I need you to tell me what happened back in Adalita . . . Why you’re here for senior year. The picture I have are the last words Hardy spewed before I punched him silent. I wouldn’t ask you, push you, but I know it has a lot to do with why you're here in Georgia, why you’re so scared. I need you to put some trust in me. We have to build that. It’s part of the walk.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and teetered back and forth, struggling with how much I could give and how much I thought he could take. It was easy for someone to claim they wanted to know you, but leaving it in their hands to be judge and jury gave doubt to the push and pull inside my heart.
“Meekai?”
“I’m here, Violet. Let me in.”
“I’m embarrassed,” I whispered. Shame crawled up and over my skin as I prepared to tell a boy everything I was, and everything I wasn’t.
“Don’t you ever be embarrassed with me, Radley. Not ever. I just need you to feel for me. Feel for me, Violet. I wouldn’t ask you to do that if I wasn’t prepared to hold you through it.”
“Meekai?” I was stuck on his name; a plea, begging for help as I choked on each truth unsure of where to begin.
“It’s okay,” he encouraged. “Do you need help to start?”
I nodded yes like he could see. Silent tears gathered and shook. They represented every fear I’d ever felt. They stung as they held tight to my water lines, warring and begging for permission to fall.
“Why are you embarrassed?” he asked, the care in his voice disarming. I swore he saw me nod, wordlessly asking for his help to start a conversation I never thought of having until the first tear fell.
“I can’t . . .” I choked out.
The truth trailed down my tongue with an overwhelming need to be heard. The battle in my head and heart throbbed, pulsating, begging me to set myself free. I saw his face; I heard every degrading laugh. They thundered up and out of me. I felt the regret before I even let a word out. It just happened.
“I’ve never kissed a boy.” It fell from my lips bitter and cruel, but it seemed I’d unknowingly decided to show up brave. Stop, Radley. Don’t say it. So, I wiped away the tears and set the truth to autopilot. Don’t say it. “I’ve never kissed a boy,” I repeated. “I’ve never held a boy’s hand . . . but the other stuff, it got taken without my permission. A kiss is all I have left to give. A single kiss, Meekai.”
My heart sunk. Immediate shock made me dizzy.
What did I just do? What did I just say? Why did I say it?
A sob caught up to the tears, gave itself away to devastation as I laid it bare. I admitted the truth which, only moments ago, I’d told myself I wouldn’t. But it was funny how the truth had a way of finding its way into places you’d sworn you’d never let it touch. I’d given him everything, but I also gave away nothing.
The who, what and why were too much. They stuck to my insides like glue and clung to the shadows where they belonged, chained and raw. My body felt like it had been dipped inside thick regret. I couldn’t take back what I’d just confessed.
A sharp intake of air travelled down the length of the telephone line, a loud thump right after, chasing it like a storm steadily gathering clouds. It sounded like a fist to a wall. He just punched a wall. I felt like I was free falling and I’d dragged him along for the ride. This is why I fought with this. I break people. I’m too hard.
“Violet . . .” A tortured rasp that resembled my name.
I flipped onto my back, all control unraveled, lost. My chest screamed; my anger circled like a vulture as it took over. Anger at honesty; at the cruelty of him, at the innocence of me and the years that were lost, thrown away like I wasn’t worthy to keep them as my own, as if I had no right to them. I just told a boy I barely knew the bullet points of my broken. So, I broke some more as I heard his voice call my name on repeat, desperately, urgently. It broke like I broke.
The sounds of shuffling, doors closing and doors opening, clanged together like a disorganized symphony. A car engine whirred and curse words rained a parade of their assault like stray bullets searching to land and nestle in the darkness, but it eventually became silent. Time non-existent.
I heard the house phone ring until it gave up and rang out. I heard it calling out again as it called for someone, anyone to answer it. I heard a familiar voice call out my name, but I di
dn’t know why.
I heard voices gather and argue. They were jumbled and loud. I didn’t know who they were, I just knew that they followed the steps that paved a path to where I trembled on my bed. Each step collected the wooden foundation beneath them as worry climbed closer. My door swung open; weight sunk onto my bed and took hold of me.
Becca?
“Shh, Radley. It's Becca. It’s ok. Please, shh.” She sounded as lost as I felt.
“Meekai, can you run down to the kitchen and get some cold water?”
Meekai?
I heard footsteps retreat as Becca wrapped herself around me tighter.
“Radley? Radley, I need you to talk to me. Gamma’s on her way home. What happened? I need you to open your eyes, Rads. Please, you’re scaring me.” I heard her sniffle as I struggled to unclench my fists and open my eyes. “That’s it,” Becca cooed. “You’re okay. You’re gonna be okay, babe. Please look at me.”
“Help me sit up,” I croaked, my throat dry and sore. My body ached, wound so tight it felt like I hadn’t moved in years, bones petrified. I could feel my heartbeat everywhere, running fast and ragged. It felt like I was a breath away from taking my last.
Becca slowly helped me raise to a sitting position, the afternoon light that reflected off my vanity mirror piercing my eyes until I flinched.
“Here,” Becca said. “Turn around. Put these on.” I turned to see Becca, her blonde hair in a messy bun. She removed her sunglasses off her head and held them out in my direction. “Scoot forward,” she instructed. I moved closer as she reached out and put her sunglasses on my face, relief immediate. A full calm breath followed close behind.
“What happened to you?” Becca whispered.
“Nothing. I’m fine. Just a panic attack . . . I’m . . . it’s fine. I. Am. Fine,” I tried to convince her, irritated that I had to.
“No, Radley. You’re not fine, not even close,” she argued as she reached out to take my hand. “If you were fine, I wouldn’t have gotten a frantic phone call from an out of his mind Meekai, willing to bust the speed limit to get here. He lives ten minutes away, but made it here before
me. I live next door, Radley. He could’ve had an accident, but he couldn’t care less if it meant getting to you.” She squeezed my hand to push her point. “He jumped out of the Jeep, forgot to pull the brake and turn off the freaking engine. The car kept rolling forward, half his body out of the car. Thank God he’s quick. Thank God I have the squealing pitch of a castrated choir boy.”
“Oh, that’s what the noise was,” I said, all energy drained, voice monotone; out of fight.
Steps began to slowly thud back up the stairs. Even they sounded unsure. I bowed my head, humiliated. What I’d told him became so loud as it ran like a movie in my head, no doubt similar to the walk of shame, I imagined. Felt good when you were in it, but once it was over, the energy settled, and the repercussions sounded like a sonic boom. Now he knew.
The closer he got, the more I melted. Shoulders dropped; fingers clasped like a vice grip in my lap. The steps stopped outside my bedroom door. I had no answers to all the questions I knew he needed to ask.
“I’ve got the water. Can I come in?” Hearing his voice within the confines of my room was strange, but it somehow felt exactly like it was where it belonged . . . with me. But I couldn’t look at him.
“Sure,” Becca said as she untangled our hands and shuffled off the bed to remove the pile of books off the bedside table.
Meekai moved his way into the room and hesitantly put the glass down where Becca had made space. I could smell him. I could hear his breathing and feel the movement in the air as he encroached on my space. It was such a contradiction. I wanted to scream for him to go, but my mind rewound back to hearing the pain in his voice when he’d called my name, desperate for me to answer. I didn’t know what he’d said past my name, I just knew he didn’t run away, he ran to me, in the most literal sense, and I needed to remember that.
He stood in front of me, so still, so achingly silent. My head hung low. I couldn’t look at him. What do you do when you were left wading in the silence you created with the honest truth? I admitted a horrible thing, but what did I truly expect from him? I suppose the first step was being brave enough to look up at him.
My head felt like it was dead weight as I forced it to look up at him. My eyes were glued shut; the bravery thing only went so far. He was the only person other than him who knew the truth. How was he, of all people, the one my subconscious trusted with the truth?
“Hey,” he whispered.
“Hey,” I whispered back.
There was nothing significant to an outsider peering in, but within that hey was a conversation littered with unsaid truths. It said I’m here. It said I’m grateful you ran toward me instead of away. It said I’ll never leave, and it said I want you to stay. But I needed time. His eyes whispered back that he would give me anything I needed so we could move forward together. How could one little word say so much?
I felt Becca shift on the bed next to me, I’d totally forgotten she was even in the room. I turned to look at her. “Becca, do you think you could give us some time? I’ll call you later.”
“Of course,” she said with a wink and a supportive squeeze to my shoulder. “Just call out if you need anything.” That told me that Becca knew we had to talk; that Meekai wasn’t the only one who needed and deserved answers.
I removed Becca's sunglasses from my face and handed them to her. My eyes followed her as she left the room, they followed her in the hope that it’d buy me more time to work out what I was going to say to Meekai.
I moved to face him; he hadn’t moved an inch. Smile still intact. I smiled back, a tired and defeated smile; a smile that said we had to talk, ready or not.
I moved up my bed and sat against the headboard. I tapped the spot next to me signaling for him to come and sit on the other side. He looked taken aback, no doubt not expecting me to invite him onto my bed after everything that had happened this afternoon.
“Meekai?”
“Violet?”
“Your t-shirt’s on inside out.” I couldn’t stop the small hiccup of laughter as I looked at him looking down, feeling around the collar of his shirt, looking for the prominent seam lines. He looked around checking out the shirt, his hands raised above his head just to make extra sure he wasn’t seeing things. As his hands rose, so did the hem of the shirt.
Fuck.
A gasp left my mouth. I covered my face in shock and embarrassment. A beet red fluster lit me up from head to toe.
“Violet? What’s wrong?” I could hear Meekai move forward as I removed one hand from my covered eyes, shoving it forward, palm out, to stop him.
“Radley, what have I done? Did you want me to . . .” He followed my hand that pointed erratically to his crotch, my eyes desperately trying to overt their attention to anywhere but there.
“Look down, like down, down.” I rushed out.
“What?” He looked down and realization hit. “Fuck!”
“Carpet matches the drapes, big guy.” A statement, not a question. Totally inappropriate and yet it flowed like today hadn’t happened. Sexual innuendo you wouldn’t expect after you admitted you’d been sexually assaulted.
He yanked like a champ at his zipper that refused to move. I somehow couldn’t bring myself to look away as he struggled. His shirt rose higher, his raised forearm brought his defined and prominent lower half into view. The carved indentations that you didn’t believe existed until you saw them for real; the crazy abs. He was perfection. Out of my league. Seventeen years of inadequacy called in to say hello, but considering he broke the law just to get to me, I had to ignore the past and let the present give me a chance to start over.
I reflected back to seconds ago. I couldn’t believe what I’d just said, or the thoughts that ran through my mind like a stampede of inappropriate thoughts. I didn’t think I had it in me. I was wrong.
The tattoo of the sparrow on
his right hand flapped its wings back and forth as his wrist jerked the zipper to close. I wondered what other tattoos laid beneath the flimsy material of his shirt.
He had a treble clef on his left forearm, topped with a rose covered in musical notes. I hadn’t asked what it meant, I’d wanted to ask, but for some reason I never did. I wanted to decipher his whole body. I wanted to read every chapter of the story, learn every line to the ink that colored his body like a bookmark. I wanted every piece of him, not a corner unknown, not a place unseen.
“Radley, fuck! I’m so, so sorry.” His words tripped over one another as I directed my eyes from his arms and back to his crotch, laughing. Nothing about him made me feel unsure or unsafe. I just witnessed an eyeful of pubes and what I’m pretty sure was the base of his dick, and yet I felt no threat. I felt calm.
“I would never . . . I’d just got out of the shower when I called. I didn’t think . . . well fuck how could I . . .”
“Meekai!” I yelled over the top of him. “Please, just . . .” I couldn’t breathe, lost to hysterics and the ridiculous situation that seemed nothing less than perfect. “It’s okay, just put it away. Show off.” I couldn’t stop, he looked so innocent and yet I knew he wasn’t.
He finally got his zipper to close, distressed shirt still inside out. He was out of breath, a frazzled mess, and then it came. A huge smile. It lit him up like the best type of Christmas morning, like the first day of summer break and the relief of a new Fall breeze. Today was so confusing. Every emotion was felt, every emotion survived. His grin simmered to the brand of Meekai that was flat out dangerous; his smirk.
“Are you gonna sit down or just stand there looking like a toddler who dressed himself for his first day of kindergarten?”
He walked the few steps to the bed and flopped down, shuffling until his back came to rest against the headboard. He put a comfortable distance between us to respect the boundaries he knew I had, and now he knew why. The thing was, I wanted him closer. I wanted to be close to him, and I had no idea how I got to this place so fast. There was no stopping it, so I didn’t try. Instead, I let the thought settle, let it be as I angled my head toward him.
Thirteen Hours To You Page 17
