“I do,” he admitted. “Music says the things that I can’t and helps me say the things I wish I could when I sing. Nobody knows that I play and sing, not even Linc. It’s personal to me and something I shared with Mama. I think I’ve waited this whole time just so I could hand that part of myself over to the person it was intended for; you. You’re the reason she taught me, so fifteen years later I’d be prepared to finally play for my purple-eyed girl.
“It feels so big . . .” my voice drifted off, thoughts rampant with the enormity of the way I felt for him. What if I wasn’t enough? He held me to such a high standard, to the standard of a dream. The fact was, I wasn’t a dream. I was flawed.
Old insecurities rumbled beneath the surface. You’ll never be enough, Radley. I had to remind myself of where I was, who I was with and what he’d just done to cement his feelings for me, to make me feel them. I couldn’t leave room for questions or insecurities, I had to believe him. This was real, he was real. I was enough for him.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Violet? Tell me.”
“This thing between us . . . I feel like I can’t hold onto it. I don’t know what to do with it. How does this feeling ever stop growing? It’s already so big. The bigger it gets, the more I have to lose. I don’t want to lose you, Meekai. I don’t want to ruin this because I can’t handle how it feels.”
“What does it feel like, Radley?”
“Forever. It feels like forever, Meekai. How is that even possible?”
“We’re inevitable, that’s why it’s possible,” he answered without hesitation, not a hint of doubt in his voice. “Now tell me, what’s wrong with forever?”
“It means I have to give you a nickname.”
A smile lit up his face as he laughed softly. “What will you call me? Tolerated? Why do you have to give me a nickname, beautiful?
I pushed to stand, the clinking of piano keys tingled underneath my fingertips. I couldn’t think with him so close. My thoughts weren’t my own when he was that close, so I moved to the middle of the lounge room, the wooden floorboards cool and grounding beneath my bare feet.
I stopped to look out the huge bay window. A tire swing hung from an oak tree and gently swayed back and forth in the breeze. I thought through all the things I wanted to say, focused on the last light of day, on the fading orange shards of the sun as it resigned itself to sleep, giving up its light to be replaced with the soft glow of the moon.
I heard Meekai stand, the energy shifting and forming around me, yet my eyes kept their focus on the remaining colors of the day as his presence came to rest behind me.
“If I give you a nickname, it's my way of saying that I want to keep you. Can I keep you?” I asked quietly, still questioning his loyalty whilst simultaneously asking him to stay. If I gave him a stupid nickname, it’d make him mine. He’d have no choice but to stay. It was funny, he’d asked me to stay and now it was me who was begging him.
I felt his hand on my waist as he turned me around to face him. I took two steps back, needing the distance to bring clarity. His eyes looked as if they held a million secrets and he was ciphering though each one to find the perfect place to start.
“Radley . . . My heart recognizes you when you're close. I feel you everywhere.” He shifted on the spot and ran a nervous hand through his ebony hair, his big brown eyes settling on mine before he spoke. “I wanted you before I knew you. I would've known you whether I’d ever laid an eye upon you.”
He moved forward a step, fisting his hand into a ball, thrusting it against the place where his beautiful heart beat, placing it over the part of him that somehow held all of me.
He shook his head in disbelieving wonder. “You were in the ether, Radley. You've been there the whole time, and in every part of me you've existed. You're beyond a nickname. You’re mine. There's not a single part of you that doesn't reside within my soul.”
“The words, Meekai. Always with the words,” I stammered. “How do I . . .”
“Stop,” he instructed. “I want you to own this moment, Radley. I want you to dominate it with a choice. I won’t take it. It’s entirely yours to give but know once you do, it will always be ours to keep.”
“I want this so much . . . you have to understand I don’t know what I’m doing,” I admitted.
“It’s as easy as breathing, baby, I promise.”
I gave him a nervous smile. My lips quivered as he returned it with a look that told me he understood the fear, but he wanted it. He wanted it all. He would wait, but he didn’t want to. I didn’t want to wait either, I was just stuck on how to begin.
“Are you gonna make me beg?” he questioned, a hint of humor tipped the edge of his plea to put me at ease. That was one of my favorite parts of him; the way he could throw a joke, blink a wink and bring the calm. But the humor left just as quickly as it came as he took a step closer.
“I’m not above begging because I’m desperate, I won’t lie. I need to feel you. I wanna know what your lips feel like against mine. I wanna memorize your taste and kiss your insecurities away. Come on, Violet, just a little closer. I promise once you give in, you’ll wanna do anything but stop. I’ll make you feel everything,” he whispered as his breath skated a delicious trail along the side of my cheek, no other part of his body touching mine, yet it felt like his entire weight held me down.
“You’ll wanna do anything but stop,” he repeated. His promise vibrated against my body, and warmth trailed deep from within my chest and wrapped itself around me. I wanted it, I did, and I knew he wouldn’t touch me. I knew he’d keep his promise.
“I won’t kiss you. I’ll wait for you to kiss me . . .”
My heart beat like a jackhammer as I closed in on the last remaining space. My left hand reached for the bottom of his shirt. I needed to anchor myself to him before I fell. My legs felt like liquid as I desperately clung to the soft cotton. Fear and excitement swirled as my right hand reached up to cup his cheek, his face lowered to meet my nervous gaze, a gentle smile painted his full lips.
“I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I promise you’re safe, Violet,” he whispered in reverence, yet still he didn’t reach for me. Instead, he let me feel my way through the fear. He let me work my way through my thoughts until it all came back to one thing . . . trust.
The hand that held tight to his shirt slowly raised to cup the other side of his face. I watched as his eyes flared in reply to my touch. His chest rose and fell in staggered need. I could feel and hear the shake in each breath as I moved my thumb across the length of his bottom lip. His eyes fused shut on impact like he was too afraid to keep them open, for fear of chasing me away.
“Look at me, Meekai.”
Seeing him like that, feeling his nerves race as hard as mine, it let the courage take place of the fear. I knew I had control, and I could feel that Meekai was losing his. That in itself is what had me tentatively kiss the tip of his nose as he slowly opened his eyes. He blinked as I moved my lips softly against the side of one cheek and lazily moved them to the other, coming to rest them against his forehead. I was buying my nerves and inexperience time with each chaste movement. It’s so hard to be brave.
“Violet, please . . .” he quietly begged.
I drew in the very last breath I’d ever take before everything changed. I’d remember that breath forever, it signified me letting go of the past as Meekai relinquished all control so I could take back mine.
I exhaled, removed my lips from his forehead, lowering my eyes so they were level with his. His eyes swam like chocolate pools of lava. They were dark with tinges of red, his jaw tight, body still. I felt him trembling under my hands, the same hands that held his beautiful face in place and subconsciously inched him closer.
I brushed his bottom lip with my thumb again, fascinated, savoring the soft skin as his mouth parted, a harsh breath leaving his lips as surrender took over. Everything slowed down as I pulled him into me. My breasts crushed and melded into his firm chest,
the contact like pulling the pin of a grenade, giving me the courage and need to finally let go and detonate.
My lips gently brushed and experimented against his quivering mouth as my slight open-mouthed kisses found their confidence and began to fall without reserve. We slowly fell into one another's taste, an unchoreographed dance taking shape as all insecurity fell away and we both let go completely.
Desperation took over, his warm tongue stroked along the seam of my mouth and demanded that I open mine. I gave into him, licking, sucking, pulling, like it was something we’d done a hundred times. It was seamless, poetic and familiar. It was just like breathing.
Every part of me felt like I was home and I couldn’t explain why, but to feel Meekai like this was unlike anything I could’ve ever foreseen. My fear of inexperience was gone, my sighs and the sound of his deep groan echoed against one another as he angled my head to take me deeper. He made me spin, he made me want to scream, rattling my already trembling walls.
His strong arms held me tight, clawed at me, pulled me in and urgently pushed against me all at once, searching for leverage, searching for relief. His reckless need tasted so sweet. I could feel him sink into me as he backed me up against the wall with a thump.
The sound of his wanton desire bounced off the walls and vibrated through my body with a force that took possession of a place that I wasn’t sure could ever be reached. But I felt it, I did. A sob left me in recognition of the fact that I wanted and wanted. Fear had no place here. Not when there was more.
He slowed the kiss, but kept the depth, somehow making me feel even more than I already was. My hands left the warmth of his face to snake under his arms, clasping the back of his shoulders, securing myself to him before I fell apart. There was no getting close enough. Everything felt so far away as we tugged and pulled blindly at one another, desperately trying to find a way to get the closeness our bodies craved. I could feel every inch of him grinding against me, I answered by pushing into each pulse of his hips with mine.
I’d heard about it, about never being able to get close enough to someone. I’d never truly understood it until now. I moaned with want and frustration. He was right, I didn’t want to stop. I became hungry, addicted. I became the best kind of lost as need blurred with a confidence I’d never experienced until that moment.
His touch felt like home; it was where I belonged. I trusted him with every fiber of my being, the last traces of fear fell away and were replaced with an urgency that felt like it could never truly be sated.
No matter how hard we pushed against one another, held fiercely to one another, nothing seemed to take away the want that climbed and wound its way around my core. He consumed me. My body ached for him. He moaned deep and long as my stomach grazed his arousal, the flame ignited as my own hit like thunder and the first tear fell. He tenderly wiped it away, his purity within that gesture made the second tear fall with perfect poetry. The moment was ours. I was free. I was found.
We fell.
We spun.
We dove head first into a new understanding, a new language that we were destined to speak to one another alone.
I was his and he was mine.
Oh, how we fell . . .
I couldn’t believe I’d gone all this time not knowing how being complete felt. Thank God it hadn’t been stolen and was left for me to give. We took from one another as equals, lost in a moment that I knew my heart would always remember.
“Mine,” I moaned into his mouth. “Now you have to stay.”
20
Meekai
“I wanna keep your secrets,” I whispered, holding her up against the wall, her legs wound tightly around my waist, a place I never thought we’d be. My hands were in their favorite place, holding her face, my thumbs caressing her cheeks. I could look at her this way forever.
“Mine,” she whispered with possession.
“Is that my new nickname?” I asked as I gently rocked into her, her legs clenching tighter around my body. I felt her nod before she drew back and looked at me with heavy eyes and a shameless smile.
“Yup,” she agreed. “There’s a no return policy. You’re stuck with me.”
“Thank fuck,” I crashed my lips against hers. The collision of my groan and her whimper fit together in a perfectly synchronized sound that made me want to grab a pen and paper, write a song about the way she kissed me, the way she felt against me.
We’d been stuck in this position for the last ten minutes, or ten hours, who knew. Time had a habit of disappearing when I was with her. Her newfound confidence refused to let me move her from the wall I had her plastered to, and I wasn’t going to deny my need to keep her there.
I slowed the kiss, telling her without words how hard I’d fallen, how deeply she owned me, how completely I was hers and she was mine. This was it. I knew she was the one. I may have only been nineteen, Radley not far off eighteen, but it was an internal knowing. The ache I’d carried since I was four, and didn’t understand, had dulled to nonexistent. I had always belonged to her and my heart knew it; my body felt it.
As our tongues licked, nipped and fought, the harder I became, the harder she ground into me. I wanted to know what it felt like to sink into her, to feel her warmth pulse around me, the innate need to empty myself inside her. Perfect insanity. Something I’d never felt, and it fucking terrified me.
I had to be the one to stop this. I had to be the one to remind her this was new. I didn’t want her to regret things when she climbed down from the inevitable high we were both lost in. I didn’t want to scare her, warring inside as I tried to gauge her movements. I was being selfish when I told myself just one more minute; she was fine, as lost as I was. But no matter how good it felt, it needed to slow down so she could catch up.
“Violet,” I gritted out, a poor attempt to slow our movements and untangle my lips from hers. “Baby, we have all the time in the world.” She pulled back slowly, dragging my bottom lip in between both of hers. Her violet eyes looked up at me with a drunk curl of her lips. High as a fucking kite.
“I didn’t know it could feel like this. You were right, I don’t wanna stop kissing you,” she admitted. She may have fallen into bliss, but her glistening eyes held the emotion that my chest felt. It felt like we were one.
I moved my hands to her waist, slowly lowering her safely to her feet as she winced in pain. “Radley,” I shot out. “Are you ok? Did I hurt you?”
“No, I’m fine.” She managed to smile. “You made me feel so much I forgot about the tattoo Wyatt drilled into my ribs last night.”
“What?” I beamed. “My girl got ink? You know that’s hot as fuck, right, baby?”
She grabbed my hand and dragged me to the couch with a soft chuckle, pushing me to sit. The high I was talking about visibly fading. I could see the rapid decline into clarity, unwarranted bullshit questions asking if it was right to do what we had just done. I could see her trip over regret, putting a healthy dose of space between us as she settled on the couch.
“Don’t start questioning this, Radley. What we just did,” I warned, erasing the space she’d put between us, threading my fingers through hers.
“I’m not. I wanted that. It was perfect . . . so perfect. Please, don’t mistake my silence for regret.”
“How should I take it?” I asked.
She hung her head, not wanting to look me in the eye, but she should’ve known better. It was her eyes I wanted to get lost in, her I wanted to know. I wished she could’ve just let go, but I knew it wasn’t something that would change with one kiss, or me reassuring her with words I felt she needed to hear. It would take time, and I’d give her anything she needed as long as I got to call her mine.
I placed my finger underneath her chin and directed her head toward mine. “How should I take it?” I repeated. “We might not have had a pillow fight yet,” I joked, hoping humor might lighten the heaviness that seemed to be closing in around us. “But I want to be your best friend. I know the trust wo
uld come a lot sooner if I knew how to braid your hair and apply nail polish, but I don’t. So, I’m fucked, you see? Can we skip all of that and go straight to BFF’s? Trust me, Violet, please?”
I watched as she struggled with the place that we often got lost, trying to wager if we should tell the truth, or would a lie be easier to live with?
“You made me feel something I didn’t know I could feel. Something I’m scared . . . ashamed of,” she corrected. “This isn’t easy. I never thought I’d be sitting in front of you contemplating telling you any of this.”
She shook her head to release my finger from under her chin, and leaned back to position her legs beneath her, setting her hands on her lap. It seemed she was going with the truth.
“What’s so bad that you feel scared and ashamed, Violet? If it’s what that . . .” I gritted my teeth and tried to pull back the bitter fury. “If you’re ashamed of what that fucker did to you, I gotta tell you, your shame is misplaced. I know that’s easy for me to say because I can’t feel what you feel and I wish I could take it all away, every tortured and shameful thought that holds no truth and keeps you as it’s prisoner. I wanna take it all away, but I can’t. What I can do is hold your secrets and treat them as my own. Give you a place to be vulnerable; to feel safe.”
A tear escaped, and she quickly wiped it away. I could visibly see her try to gather the courage, the struggle like a weight I couldn’t remove.
“I know you like me to look at you when I speak, but I can’t,” she muttered. “Just this once, please, can you just let me get this out? I don’t want to see your face. No matter how much you tell me you’re a safe place. What I feel you have the right to know is one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to tell someone. It’s something I’ve never told a soul, my greatest shame. But if we’re going to move forward, you need to know this, no matter how sick it makes me to say the words out loud . . . You have the right to know. Otherwise, you’ll question your own worth when my fears come out to play. I want you to know I want you, so much. I didn’t even think it was possible for me to feel.”
Thirteen Hours To You Page 24
