by Ford, Mia
We did so much together. Alicia has finally been drawn out of her shell, and she’s preparing for school. Seth has smiled and laughed more in the last few weeks. And the desperate loneliness that has plagued me for so long was gone. I had people in my life again…and they were almost like another family.
Now that’s gone, all because I can’t keep my hands to myself. I knew sitting down for a drink with Seth was a mistake. And I knew, even as it was happening, that I should have pushed Seth away and put him to bed.
But I didn’t do that. Because I wanted him just as much as he wanted me, and there was no way that I could stop after I felt the electricity that he sent throughout my entire body, setting me on fire.
Now I am suffering the consequence of that. I have neither Seth nor a job, any longer. I’m going to have to try and find something soon, or risk becoming homeless very quickly. Maybe I can beg the pet store for my job back, but I don’t think that’s likely. My boss will never let me return.
There are too many things to consider! I’ll need to search the job sites once more. Then I’ll need to find some way to cope with Seth and Alicia living next door, knowing that I’m no longer one of them.
I need to get it together, in other words.
But…not right now.
Right now, I want to mourn this loss. I adore Alicia, and I love working with her. It’s going to be hard not being able to help her any longer.
But, more than that…
I picture Seth in my mind. I swallow. When did my feelings grow so great that it feels like he’s broken my heart? When did I go from lusting after him, knowing that he’ll never see me, to wanting to be part of his life, even if it means I’ll never have him?
When did I get in this deep?
I don’t know the answer to my questions. But I do know one thing that’s clear. At some point, without my knowledge or permission, I fell in love with Seth,
But it’s too late to do anything about it now, I realize. Even if I understand my feelings now, Seth has made his more than plain. He’s chosen to push me away to protect himself and his daughter.
I understand. But it doesn’t make this any easier.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hug a pillow and curl up on the couch. Tomorrow could bring a new day, where I concern myself with everything I need to worry about now.
Right now, however, all I just want to do is sit here and cry.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Seth
Three days later, I’m at my wits’ end.
Jason was understanding when I told him that I’ll be taking the next week off work while I decide what to do next. He knows the drill by now, and I didn’t even have to tell him what happened before he told me he’ll be on standby and that he’ll email me anything that I need to look over.
I wonder what he’ll say when he realizes that Zoe didn’t leave, that I fired her.
Work isn’t a problem, though. As he promised, Jason has been sending things to me so I can look over them in the evenings.
Now… Alicia is the main problem, right now.
As expected, she threw a fit when Zoe didn’t turn up on Monday. She didn’t quite understand, on Sunday morning, what was going on. Concepts like “Zoe isn’t coming back for some reason” didn’t really hit the little girl until Zoe actually didn’t arrive.
I’ve seen Alicia throw tantrums. But the one she threw on Monday when I told her we couldn’t just go and drag Zoe here, that I’ll be staying with her from now on, was epic. She screamed and she cried and threw herself on the floor until she went blue in the face. I couldn’t help but wonder if Zoe could hear her, and if she was feeling like this was karmic retribution.
Eventually, though, Alicia calmed. I knew it wouldn’t be the end of it, but I definitely didn’t expect her next reaction.
Alicia has now descended into sullen silence. She sits quietly and watches television, eats when I tell her to, and spends hours hugging her doll tightly. She’ll barely look at me or reply to me, and I have to coax her to sit with me.
Is Alicia angry with me? In her mind, she must see me as the reason that Zoe isn’t coming back. She isn’t entirely wrong, really.
More than that, though, I think my little girl is honestly depressed by all this. She loved Zoe, and I knew that when I made the decision. I had hoped that Alicia wouldn’t be so connected to Zoe that her departure would affect her this badly, but it seems I’ve underestimated the bond between the two of them.
Which is stupid. It was only the other day that Alicia asked if Zoe could be her mother. Alicia wouldn’t have asked that if she wasn’t serious about wanting Zoe to be in her life and in her family.
What I had taken for a childish whim had, in fact, been serious, and it pains me to see this. I’ve done this to Alicia.
It almost makes me want to march to Zoe’s house and beg her to come back. But I can’t do that, either. There are too many reasons why that wouldn’t be a good thing.
Of course, I want to fall to my knees and beg her for forgiveness for other reasons as well, but I’m not going to do that either.
I’m surprised at how much the loss of Zoe hurts me, as well. I knew, when I fired her, that it would cause some pain. After all, I had felt a very deep connection with Zoe, and I hadn’t really wanted her to leave, even if I felt that it had to happen.
But I hadn’t realized that I was falling in love with her.
Except, no, I did realize. I probably noticed it from the moment my father reminded me of the anniversary of Rose’s death, the anniversary that I had managed to forget because I was so happy with Zoe. I might have even realized it before then, when I struggled to get her out of my head.
But I hadn’t named the swiftly-growing emotion, because it was too large and frightening to comprehend. Now, though, Zoe is gone, and I’m left with a depressed daughter and feelings that are savagely attacking me for sending away the one person I have felt this deeply for since Rose’s death.
With a sigh, I enter Alicia’s room. She’s playing quietly on the floor with several miniature doors. I run my eyes over the set-up, and my heart lurches as I realize that she’s built a tiny house with blocks serving as the short walls. All it had was a kitchen with a table and a bedroom with a bed.
But there’s a little doll, with a round, cherubic face, sitting in the kitchen, and Alicia is controlling two other dolls, a male and a female, and making them talk to each other. She’s saying something about “looking after the child”. The symbolism is impossible to miss.
“Alicia?” I ask. “It’s lunchtime.”
Alicia looks up at me blankly. She’s taken to looking at me like that, as though she’s still trying to figure out what she’s supposed to be feeling.
I can’t say I blame her. I hope she has better luck in figuring that out then I’ve had.
“Okay,” she says after a long moment.
“Do you want to go to the park after lunch?” I suggest.
Alicia shakes her head. She hasn’t wanted to go anywhere since Monday. I imagine that’s because I haven’t suggested the right place. If I asked her if she wanted to go to Zoe’s house, she would probably be out the door in a heartbeat.
But I can’t do that to any of us. Zoe likely doesn’t want to see me so soon, especially if she’s feeling anything like I am. It would even be worse for her, because I technically rejected her, much like last time, and then turned her entire life on its end.
I hope, not for the first time, that’s going alright. I stole her from her last job, after all. She has no job to go back to, which means she needs to find somewhere very quickly.
Maybe I should put in a few calls…
I stop myself. This is ridiculous. Zoe is no longer part of my life, and that’s on me. I have no right to meddle in it, even for her own sake. I need to take a step back and remember that from now on.
My phone chimes at that moment, and I gloomily look at it to see another email from Jason. Work has been the only thing that has ke
pt me sane the last few days; by focusing on that, I can pretend that this tarrying hole where Zoe dug herself into my heart doesn’t exist for a little.
Suddenly, though, the thought of work makes me angry. Alicia is depressed and Zoe is gone, and I all I can think about is the next piece of paper to sign?
I need to do something else. I need to find another way to focus.
Then an idea comes to me.
“Alicia,” I call softly. “Do you want to help me draw in the study?”
Alicia looks up at that, startled. The study is my workspace. I haven’t been in there since I went in to clean up following Zoe’s departure, because I can’t leave Alicia on her own. But maybe…
“Draw what?” Alicia asks, frowning.
“Clothes,” I say, smiling slightly at her.
Alicia’s eyes light up. She loves my work - when she gets to see it. She loves the special paper that I use and the sketches that emerge from beneath my hand. And she loves seeing them come to life; when a new catalog of clothes comes out, I always sit with her and show her.
I don’t design as much these days. I have a team of designers who are under my strict guidance, so it’s rare that I get the chance to draw anything myself. There’s always too much else to do in order to run the company.
But a creative outlet is what I need right now, and I have the feeling that Alicia could use it too. Maybe, by doing this together, the two of us can adjust to there being just two of us once more.
One can only hope, anyway.
“Come on,” I encourage. “I could use some new ideas.”
Alicia thinks about it, and then she nods, clambering to her feet, clutching Julie tightly. She follows me up the stairs, and she seems to perk up as I open the door to the study, realizing that I’m really telling the truth about letting her help me in here.
“Can I use the paper?” Alicia asks.
I hesitate. That paper is expensive, especially when I buy it in bulk. But Alicia is looking up at me with shining eyes, which is so different to the depression that has come over her, and I find myself nodding.
“Of course,” I say. “Come and sit in this chair; we can work at this table.”
My workbench, which is sitting opposite my desk, is large enough for both of us to sit at comfortably. I often spread my work around me as I sketch, so I had this bench built with that in mind. Now it’s useful as I sit side-by-side with my daughter.
“What do I draw?” Alicia asked.
“Anything you want,” I say, smiling, handing her a sharpened pencil.
She beams and gets to work, and I chuckle at seeing her so happy. This was the right idea, after all.
I put my pencil to paper as well, beginning to sketch the outline of a faceless mannikin. I’ve always found it easy to sketch clothes on someone, so that I can tease out the expected creases and how it’s supposed to sit on a generic body. From there, my designers can use my sketch to bring it to life.
I draw careful lines. I’ll draw a dress, I decide. A dress that cinches under the bust, with a sweetheart neckline. I draw downwards until it reaches the knee, and then draw some creases to show that it’s meant to flow outwards. Rose never liked tight clothing, so, when I do design, my ideas are always loose and flowy. Later, as I built the business, I incorporated tighter clothing to my roster, wanting to provide clothes for a range of different tastes.
Right now, though, I want to do this. I sketch the straps, two thin spaghetti and then, on the back model, I criss-cross them at the back carefully in a diagonal lattice pattern.
What color should it be? I almost pick up the red pencil, as that was Rose’s favorite color, but I find myself gravitating toward the purple instead. I don’t question it, and begin to shade, humming under my breath as I do so.
When I’m done, I draw back. It’s only a rough sketch, and the design itself is simple, but I feel better already as I smile down at it, pleased. I try to imagine Rose in this dress, the skirt flowing around her in the wind.
Unlike every other time, however, the image of Rose doesn’t come to me. Instead, it’s Zoe in my mind, wearing my dress, tucking her dark hair behind her ear as she smiles gently at me. It occurs to me, suddenly, that purple is Zoe’s favorite color, and this might be why I picked it up, rather than the red that I usually favor because of Rose.
I cover my face in my hands. I just can’t win, can I? No matter what I do, Zoe is still in my mind, and the memory of her digs deeper and deeper with every passing memory.
Did I do the wrong thing by sending her away? Maybe I’m a coward, reacting as I did, but…
“Daddy, look!”
I look at Alicia’s drawing. I’m not surprised by the sight of the stick figures. There’s a misshapen house in the background, a scrawled circle above that must be a sun, and three people smiling out of the picture. The smaller figure in the middle is clearly Alicia. The two on either side, a stick figure with shorts and black hair, and another with a skirt and brown hair, can only be Zoe and me.
My heart clenches. This is Alicia’s wish. Is it selfish of me, then, to act like I’m removing Zoe from our lives for Alicia’s sake?
But she would be even more miserable if Zoe and I broke up in the future. The pain might even be worse then, after having Zoe in our lives for so much longer.
“Who are you really protecting?” a voice in the back of my mind whispers. “Alicia… or you?”
I can’t deny that I’m trying to protect my own heart, too. My heart has already been shattered once in this lifetime, even if that was the last thing Rose wanted to do to me. I don’t think I can handle it a second time.
But I know I’ve hurt Zoe, and myself, and Alicia with all this. I’m denying us all what we so badly want. The three of us want to be together, and I’ve stopped that in its tracks.
Not for the first time, I wonder if I should just give in. Maybe Zoe will forgive me if I beg for it. Perhaps she’ll agree to come back, if only for Alicia’s sake.
Or maybe she’ll close the door on me, done with all the drama that I’ve brought to her life, too hurt and angry to hear me out.
If I’m honest with myself…I’d probably deserve it.
“It’s a very nice picture, Alicia,” I say with a pained smile.
Alicia looks up at me with beseeching eyes. I know what she’s going to say before she says it.
“Can we visit Zoe?” she asks.
I hesitate. Here’s where I can make my decision. I can agree and ask Zoe to come back to us, and take a chance on something that frightens us both. Or…
“Let’s give it a couple more days,” I decide.
Or I can run away again and hope for the best.
Zoe probably doesn’t want to see me right now, anyway, I tell myself, despite the fact that I know I’m just making excuses, now. We can visit her on the weekend, when we’ve both calmed down.
As this thought crosses my mind, I close my eyes and sigh. I regret letting Zoe go.
I can only hope that I don’t regret not returning to her.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Zoe
It’s been hard to sleep the last few days. My dreams are haunted by memories that I need to forget before they drive me insane. Seth’s body, his smile, his laugh, the look in his eyes… Most nights I wake up, panting and aching with need, having dreamt about our most intimate moments.
Then reality will descend on me once more, and I’ll remember that it’s useless to dream anymore. Seth is gone.
I had promised Alicia that I’ll still be around. But it’s hard to even think about returning to that house. If I do, I’ll never want to leave again, and I can’t do that to myself.
When things aren’t as raw, I promise myself, I’ll go and visit Alicia. She doesn’t deserve to be punished because the two adults in her life are idiots. Maybe I’ll even invite her here for a playdate, and I’ll show her some of my new paints.
Maybe, I think, as I wander into the spare room, yawning, I’ll even s
how her my new painting.
Despite everything, inspiration has struck me. It was likely my mind’s need to protect me from the terrible, ravaging pain that wracked me, so it gave me something to focus on. It isn’t finished but, even now, despite the late hour, my fingers itch to pick up a paintbrush and continue work.
The initial outline is already done, and I run my fingers over the lines. The painting makes me terribly sad but, in some way, it’s also helping, as though I’ve put everything I’m feeling into it.
The paintbrush is sitting on the easel, and I reach for it as I put my cup of tea down, resigned to doing an extra hour on it before I’m forced to go to bed. I’m just reaching for the yellow paint, however, when there is a loud bang at my front door, as though someone has run into it.
I jump, startled at the sound. I stare, wide-eyed, through the door of the spare room, every muscle tense and on alert. What’s going on?
Then someone starts knocking. It’s rushed and frantic, and I step back, wondering if I should call the police.
Until I hear a familiar voice.
“Zoe! Please, Zoe, please, open up!”
It’s Seth, and he sounds desperate. I might have considered just ignoring him, but I’ve never heard him sound like this before. He’s terrified, and my heart thumps at the thought of what could make him so scared.
I hurry to the front door and throw it open. Seth is standing there, still dressed, but his clothes are mussed and he’s sweating as though he’s been running for some time. His face collapses in relief at the sight of me.
“I swear, Seth, if this is some sort of trick…” I warn, not in the mood for any more games.
“Not a trick,” he says, his eyes pleading. “Please, Zoe…is Alicia here?”
My heart sinks.
“No, she isn’t,” I say. “Why, what happened?”
Seth’s face falls, and he looks like he’s about to cry.
“She’s missing,” he says. “She had a late dinner, but that’s because she was in her room and didn’t want to eat in the kitchen. She’s been…down the last few days, but we did an activity together that cheered her up. “ He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I went up to get her plate an hour ago and put her to bed, and she wasn’t there.”
