“That’s right,” Ash said, straightening his clothes. “You come at me, too. I’ll make sure you never write for another paper again.”
“How could you?” she screamed at him. “Is your mission in life to ruin me? To make sure I never find anything good?”
Reaching for the pieces of his broken cell, he glared up at her. “Says the girl who just lied through her teeth to the man who clearly fell for her.”
“You don’t know anything! You know less than nothing about me and I wish to God I’d never met you!” And probably because she had bodily harm in her eyes, Nio dragged her protectively away from Ash.
“C’mon, Gemma. Let’s get out of here.”
“Let me go. I have to find him.” She tried to dislodge his hand.
Becca said, “We’ll find him with you. C’mon. This won’t do you any good. Whatever is happening here, you need to step away.”
They hustled her outside, away from Ashton’s fury—left him pacing in the lobby, attended to by helpful Cathi from the front desk.
On the street, there was no sign of Noah. He’d vanished like a ghost.
Becca and Nio each took one of her arms, but she dropped her face in her hands and sobbed. “Don’t be nice to me.” I don’t deserve it.
“You’re upset,” Becca said. “That’s understandable after what just happened. What did just happen?”
“I wasn’t going to—” She wrenched around, unable to find a direction to turn. “I couldn’t have written about him. But I couldn’t tell him the truth either. He would have hated me. And I’m…in love with him.”
Becca and Nio exchanged looks. “I’ve got this,” Becca told Nio. “I think it’s easier if we split up. Why don’t you go see if you can find him?”
Almost looking relieved, Nio agreed. “Stay the hell away from that man.” Meaning Ash. He lifted his phone, a signal to Becca to stay in touch.
“Don’t worry. I see a bar up the street.” The sign for Grey’s Saloon twinkled in the darkness. “Let’s go sit, Gemma. Talk. Calm down a little. Maybe we’ll find Noah there. Or…Eamon. Or whatever his name is.”
“This isn’t his fault. None of this is his fault,” she told them, searching the darkness for any sign of him. “This is all on me. I had no right to…to keep this from him. Or…or expose him. It’s not what you think.”
“C’mon,” Becca said. “It’ll be okay.”
But Gemma knew nothing would be. It was too late for that.
*
It had been a year or two since he’d had a full-blown panic attack. Not the mini meltdown like the fireworks had stirred. The kind where your chest fists up like a stone and you’re sure death is about to crash over you. But he’d had them enough since the war to recognize that he wasn’t dying.
He was just broken.
Minutes ago, he’d headed out of the Graff, following the streetlamps to the path across the railroad tracks near the river. With no idea where he was going, he only knew he needed to disappear.
His feet had found the running path alongside the river and even though the moon wasn’t full anymore, he’d run along the path for a long, long time. One minute he’d been running and the next, his chest clamped up and he found himself sprawled on the ground, staring at the stars.
Gasping for air, he clutched at the grass beneath his fingers, willing himself to calm. Reminding himself this would pass. They always passed. Even in his darkest times when he’d secretly wished they wouldn’t. For a while that darkness almost beat him.
Please, Noah, let me explain. I’m so sorry.
He slammed his eyes shut, trying to drown out her words. The look on her face. Oh, she was good. She’d played him so hard. He was such a damned fool.
Breathe dammit.
Blood pounded in his ears.
His chest squeezed harder and he writhed on the dew-damp grass. Maybe this time would be different. Maybe he would die. Out here, alone. Serve him right for trusting her. For all the lies he’d told. Even the one he’d told her.
Laid bare. That’s what he was. Raw. A damned exposed nerve. No going back. Denial was over. Nio had seen everything.
Feelings he couldn’t even name jammed up his throat. Roared inside him. How could he have been so—? Damn her. Damn him for being a fool. He wanted to hit something. Put his fist through a tree. But instead, those feelings coalesced into one awful thing, colliding like an explosion in his chest.
A raging sound welled up from deep inside him—one that had lived there for years, begging to come out—and echoed over the river, flushing birds from the trees, then faded on the current of air that washed over both him and the river.
And with that cry, finally, the old enemy, the panic, began to retreat. His chest loosened, bit by bit. He rolled onto his side and sucked in deep, halting breaths. Knees to his chest, he lay there like a damned rock coming back to life. Slowly, he became aware of the grass prickling his cheek; its earthy scent. Around him shadows of trees bent over him and the sibilant rustle of leaves mingled dimly with the sound of the river against its banks a few feet away.
For long minutes, he squeezed his fists tight then released them, a technique he’d stumbled across that helped. He blanked his mind, concentrated on air and living. He had never wanted to die. Not consciously anyway. The war had opened a space inside him, though, that kept filling with unwanted things. Panic. Nightmares. A numbing blackness. Separateness.
Gemma had single-handedly invaded that space, seeking out that part of him that used to be. Rediscovering himself was like leaping into a cool pool of water after a long time in the desert. He had drunk that water up. A thirsty dog lapping at possibility.
Yet everything had been a lie. How much, he couldn’t be sure, but a safe bet was—all of it. Isn’t that what good journalists did? Get under the skin of their stories? Prod and probe until their subjects are revealed? He had revealed himself to her. To the bone.
Well…not quite to the bone. Not to Eamon Connelly.
It was her, no doubt, who had called in the big guns, with that dick, Ashton. The man she’d claimed betrayed her. Yet, she exposed you instead. Peeled back his protection and left him naked. If he didn’t hate that prick already, after hearing what he’d done to her, he had full reason now. Breaking his phone instead of his face had shown great restraint, yet felt like the best thing he’d done in months. Regret didn’t enter the picture.
Except with her. With Gemma. He damn well regretted that. Trusting her. Allowing her into that space. Imagining…believing things could change.
What he wanted was to stop disappearing—from himself, from the world, from his life.
The sound of his name being called came to him from a long way off. He heard the call again and rolled his eyes skyward. He didn’t want to be found, but he had no choice. Someone—sounded like Nio—had found him.
*
Gemma refused any more alcohol. She’d already had enough to drink tonight and she needed her wits about her. Becca ordered hot tea for her, watching her closely, sipping her own glass of something.
The bar was pretty full. Saturday of the holiday weekend had left them one table near the back that had a modicum of privacy.
“We don’t know each other, at all, really,” Becca said. “But maybe that’s a plus. Maybe it’s easier to sort this out with a stranger. I’m not judging you. I don’t know you well enough to judge you.”
“If you did, you’d blame me.” Gemma clutched her mug of tea as if that would save her. “I didn’t come here intending for any of this to happen. I had an assignment. A dumb, ridiculous assignment to write about how this town sucks people into romance. There really is something in the water, you know. Look what happened to me.”
Becca smiled, staring down at the water the waitress had delivered her. “I guess since I brought my husband with me, that’s okay.”
Gemma nodded tearfully. “I met him as Noah, you know? Why would I think he was anything but what he said he was? And he was great.
Is…great. He’s the best guy.”
She told Becca how she’d learned the truth about him and her decision to drop the article she’d intended to write. “I should have told him before. I was scared to. And then I didn’t want to ruin the wedding for him. I meant to tell him tomorrow. But now…”
Silently, she cursed Frannie, sure that was how Ash had found out. How else? But she had no one to blame but herself in all this. Not even Ash…the bastard.
“So this will come as something of a shock to the guys. I don’t think they know this…thing about his name, do they?” She nodded. “No. I don’t think any of them knows the truth.”
“And obviously, he never told you either?”
She took another sip of tea. “No. But it’s not the same. His motives were… They had nothing to do with me.”
“So,” Becca went on, “now he’ll have to come clean. To everyone.”
Gemma dropped her head into her hands. “The look on his face… He won’t talk to me. Why would he? I should just go.”
“He’s angry. Give him some time.”
“He has a long-standing bitterness for the press. For good reason. I’ve only proven him right. No, he’ll never forgive me. But I already knew that was how this would end. I just wanted to end things my way, not Ash’s way.”
“What a jerk that guy is. Is what he did even ethical? Stepping on your assignment that way?”
“No. But that’s never stopped him before.” She didn’t even want to admit to their history. Having chosen him once embarrassed her now. She’d fallen for his charm and his good looks and perhaps even his talent. Once upon a time, he’d treated her like he treated his new wife. But Gemma had missed the cues. Maybe she’d missed a lot of cues in her life, being so doggedly ambitious about her career. For Ashton to stoop to what he’d done tonight surprised even her. Had he changed that much or had she just been blind to who he was before? That she’d been younger and dumber then hardly made her less responsible for her choices. Perhaps even Somerhalder had known who Ash really was.
You’re a lousy judge of character, Ms. Ward.
Perhaps, but not about Noah. Not about the real man she’d come to know. The mistake was his. Trusting her had been his undoing. For that, she would never forgive herself.
*
“Hey. You okay?” Nio was bending over him by the river, concern written on his face.
Still lying in the grass, Noah turned his face away, grateful for the darkness. “You came all the way out here for nothing. I don’t want to talk.”
“Yeah. I figured. I’ll just…sit down here. We can just sit here for a while. And not talk.”
And he did. He sat in the grass, turning his gaze on the river. Noah threw an arm over his eyes, wishing he’d go away. “Seriously. Go.”
“Nah. I don’t feel entirely comfortable leaving you out here on your own. So, don’t mind me. You go ahead and finish up whatever you’re feeling and then we’ll go back to town.”
His words actually made Noah exhale a cynical laugh. “Bastard.”
Nio grinned. “Yeah. That’s me. You didn’t really think I’d let you disappear out here by yourself did you?”
Noah pressed a fist to his aching chest and sat up, rubbing that spot. A low, foul curse escaped him.
“There you go.” Nio studied him now. “I was afraid you were having a damned heart attack or something.”
“Or something,” he admitted.
“Panic attack?”
Noah stared out at the current moving past them without reply.
“You know you’re not alone. I mean, you’re damned well not alone. Aside from seeing every one of the guys suffer an attack just like this at one time or another in that year after you all came back, staying at my house. And…I know—he wouldn’t mind me telling you this—Trey sometimes still does. Not as often now to be sure. Since Holly.” He hadn’t known. Most of them kept their troubles to themselves. Though everyone knew Paul had suffered most. No one had to ask Paul what kept him up at night.
But him? He’d gotten pretty good at hiding everything. Sublimating any stray emotion that could catch him off guard.
You’re as sick as your secrets, a friend had told him once. Some slogan from sobriety. And even though that friend had no idea what his secrets were, that he was keeping them was as obvious as daylight. Probably that was true. His secret had nearly eaten him alive.
“What are you doing out here?” he asked Nio. “You didn’t have to come after me. How’d you find me anyway?”
“Luck. I took a chance on the river and I…well, I heard…”
Noah turned away, embarrassed.
“Hey, we’re past all that, right? But what happened back there was…well, I thought you shouldn’t be alone. Becca’s with Gemma right now. She was…destroyed about this.”
Noah ground his hands into fists. He couldn’t talk about Gemma. He could barely think about her. “Destroyed is a quantitative word.”
“Not to be underestimated. I don’t really know what went on back there. I’ve got an idea, but it’s nothing you have to explain to me. Unless you want to. But I do know that she’s heartbroken that that Ashton guy showed up and—”
“—exposed her,” Noah bit out.
“And you.” He glanced pointedly at him.
A long, tense pause stretched between them. Noah had no real answer for that so he just stayed quiet.
“Speaking from personal experience, the only way to clear up a misunderstanding is…to clear the misunderstanding up. Otherwise, you’ve got a festering wound that never heals.”
“Sage advice.” Noah got to his feet. He bent over, still feeling the effects of the panic attack. “I’m sure if you look long enough you can find someone who’ll take it.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. Look, I know you’re trying to help. You know, I’m grateful for everything you did for us. For me back then. I should’ve said that a long time ago. But I just can’t…” With a shrug of acceptance, Nio got up as well and glanced at the text he’d just gotten. “Listen, I have a car back at the hotel. If you need to get somewhere.”
Noah started walking back toward town.
Nio followed. “I guess you know Trey and Holly leave tomorrow for their honeymoon. I hear it’s going to be Hawaii.”
“Glad for them.” He hesitated. “No, really, I am.”
“Yeah. I only mention that in case there are any other misunderstandings you might want to clear up before you go.”
Noah stopped as if to say something, but changed his mind and kept walking.
“The boys are pretty fair-minded—”
“For a guy who said he wasn’t gonna talk, you sure have a lot to say,” Noah accused.
“You’re right. Just makin’ the offer.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
They were almost back to the hotel when Noah slowed to a stop. “You said she’s with Becca?”
“At Grey’s.”
He looked grimly toward the saloon. “Good. Don’t want to run into her here. Maybe…” he said, still contemplating, “I’ll take you up on that ride out to Trey’s. Might as well burn all my bridges down in one night. No use leaving any standing.”
*
Becca walked her back to her room. She’d reassured Gemma that Nio had found Noah and that he was okay. She thanked Becca for sitting with her. That had been perhaps the kindest thing a stranger had ever done for her, especially considering what Becca had learned about her tonight.
But Noah wasn’t in his room. They’d left their connecting door open after last night. He didn’t answer her phone call to him and she didn’t leave a message. Trying to explain on a digital device felt wrong, though she suspected she’d have no opportunity to explain in person. He’d made his feelings about her plain. But she held out a small hope.
She threw her things into her suitcase, packed up her laptop, then sat on her bed, holding her knees, waiting for him to come home. An hour went by. Tw
o. Finally, she sat down at the desk to write a note to him. When she’d finished, she wiped her cheeks, put the note in an envelope and laid it on his pillow.
It was time for her to go.
Passing the mirrored closet doors, she stopped, her gaze sweeping down the stranger who stared back at her. Swollen eyes. A red nose. Regret etched across her face. Hardly recognizable from the cynical girl who’d arrived here only days ago, and was leaving a heartbroken believer. Again. Would she never learn?
Ahh. She couldn’t think about last night or how she’d slept in his arms. Or how tenderly he’d loved her. At least, tonight she couldn’t think about it. Maybe one day.
Nor would she confront Ashton. She wasn’t sure what she’d do if she saw him now, but it definitely wouldn’t be legal. Besides, there was nothing to say. Hating Ashton for being himself was like hating the sky for spitting rain. A waste of time. He would do his worst no matter what she said to him. He’d come all this way, so there was no backing him down now.
And Frannie…she’d listened to Frannie’s phone message and dozens of texts and emails she’d left on her locked-up cell and computer. She knew what had happened. Not her fault either. There was no one really to blame but herself.
With one last look at the room, Gemma closed the door behind her and left Marietta and whatever mystical water she’d drunk here behind.
*
Noah stood near Trey’s fireplace where a small fire crackled and snapped, stealing the summer evening chill from the room. Behind him, Cowboy, Paul, Mick, Trey and Holly were sprawled across the comfortable couches waiting to hear why he had assembled them at this late hour. Nio had offered to excuse himself after dropping him off but Noah insisted that he stay. He was one of them after all. But Noah couldn’t find the words to begin.
“Did something happen with Gemma?” Cowboy asked, trying to break the ice.
“No.” Noah squeezed his eyes shut. “Yes. This isn’t about her.”
The men exchanged looks. “Why don’t you just tell us?” Trey suggested.
“Noah, you’re starting to scare us,” Holly said.
Unexpected Hero Page 15
