by Sarah Delany
“What do you think of your phone bub?” Mum asks, and I’d forgotten to even look for it. Once I’d seen Tate in my bed, everything else had faded away into the background.
“Sorry Mum, where did you put it?” I ask, sitting up on my bed. She walks over to the dresser where she’s plugged it in and brings it over to me, placing it in my hand. It’s the latest Samsung and she’s even gotten me a silver glitter cover for it.
“Thanks so much Mum, this is awesome,” I tell her, gratefully.
“No worries honey,” she says as she exits the room. I sit with my legs crossed on the bed, turning it on.
“You should be able to sync all of your old phone content to this one with your Google account, I think,” Tate says, sitting up next to me. We manage to sort out how to sync it and set it aside to finish while I hunt through my drawers for some clothes to change into.
“I’m going to have a shower,” I tell him, my cheeks heating as I think about my last shower where we got a bit carried away. He must notice the blush as he gives me a knowing smile, his mind going to the same place as mine. I force myself to walk out of the room and into the bathroom before I jump back into his arms.
Once I’m showered and in my own t-shirt and sweatpants, I carry his with me back to the room.
“I’ll put your clothes in a bag so you can take them home,” I tell him.
“Or you could leave them here, just in case I need them sometime,” he says shyly, focusing on the T.V. like what he said isn’t a big deal. I don’t say anything, moving towards my dresser and placing the clothes on top. I get dragged from my thoughts by the ringing of Tate’s phone. He pulls it out of his pocket, looking at the screen. “It’s JP,” he tells me, as he answers. “Hey man,” he says, listening to what JP has to say. “Sweet man, see you there,” he says, hanging up.
Turning his gaze to me he says, “JP and the others are heading to the hospital in Penny’s car. Rafe’s mum rang and talked to my aunty and she wanted us to all go up and see him.”
I can feel my hands tremble but I manage to keep my voice even as I say, “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.” I grab my new phone and put it in my pocket as we step down the stairs, finding my mum in the lounge. “We’re heading to the hospital to see Rafe,” I tell her, and her sad eyes find mine as she nods.
“Okay bub, ring me if you need me.” I return her nod, grabbing Tate’s hand as we leave the house and walk quietly to the car.
Chapter 4
-- Tate --
We arrive at the hospital and quietly wander through the corridors grasping onto each other’s hand tightly. The disinfectant smell reminds me of my time spent in the hospital next to Quinn’s bed. I force myself to push those thoughts away. I need to be present in this moment and be strong for Tamsyn. I can feel the slight tremble of her hand that she thinks she’s hiding from me. I hate to think what must be going through her head, having found Rafe and saving him.
As we approach the door, we stop outside both needing to take a breath before entering. Pushing the door open, JP’s harsh voice hits us.
“You’re obviously not okay. What do you have to be sad about anyway?” He is practically yelling and I know exactly who he’s directing it at. We round the curtain and see JP hovering over Rafe who is lying in bed, a white sheet draped over his body. Penny and Scott stand against the far wall.
“I’m fine. It was an accident man, I’ve already told you that. I slipped,” Rafe says, trying to use his charm to convince them, not having noticed me and Tamsyn yet. Tamysn’s breath catches, I’m not sure whether it’s from Rafe’s words or seeing him for the first time after the incident. It draws everyone’s eyes our way. I keep my focus on Rafe’s face, wanting to see his reaction to her. His face drops, the charm washing away as he takes in the trembling girl next to me who saved his life. I don’t need to look at her to know tears are rushing down her cheeks. I can feel the sight of Rafe in the hospital bed has Tamsyn’s heart silently breaking for him. I squeeze her hand, sending her comfort to let her know I’m here.
“Shit,” he utters, as he sees the devastation wash over her at what his actions have caused. Their gazes stay locked on each other. He opens his arms to her but she takes a step closer to me. Rafe notices the slight movement, his hands dropping to his side. He closes his eyes and I watch as he takes in a shaky breath. When his eyes open again they’re coated with a wetness I’ve never seen on Rafe’s face before. He’s always been a smiling presence in any situation. I feel the tug on my hand so release Tamsyn’s hand knowing she can’t resist going to him now. She scurries to his side and jumps into his bed where he holds her tightly to him. The floodgates burst and she loudly sobs into his chest. It hurts me to watch him comfort her when I want to be the one who offers her comfort. I know it’s a selfish feeling so I force myself to push those feelings aside because this is what she needs and only Rafe can give this to her.
“Come on guys, how about we give them a minute?” I suggest to the others, and they look at me then follow me out of the door.
As we are leaving I hear Rafe’s shaky voice saying, “Petal, it’s okay,” before the door closing blocks their voices from our ears. Out in the corridor JP’s anger returns as he paces back and forth.
“JP, you alright man?” I ask, knowing he is anything but okay.
“He’s trying to convince everyone it was an accident. Like it wasn’t supposed to happen,” he says, the frustration in his voice leaking out of him. “How are we supposed to help him if he doesn’t even acknowledge there’s a problem?”
“Just be there for him man,” I say to him, squeezing his shoulder.
His shattered gaze shifts to mine as he says, “I’m his best friend. Why wouldn’t he tell me what was going on? I, of all people, should have realised something wasn’t right but I had no idea.” His voice cracks at the end so I draw him into me for a hug. I know exactly how he feels. I was Quinn’s twin and I had no idea what was going on with her.
I hold him for a minute before releasing him and saying, “If he didn’t want you to know, you wouldn’t have seen it. They’re good at hiding it.” His eyes twitch in response as he realises I’m talking about Quinn too.
“You alright?” he asks me, and I nod, knowing what he’s referring to without mentioning her name. Penny comes up beside him, taking his hand in hers which directs his attention to her which I’m thankful for. I don’t want to think about Quinn right now. I’d rather we focus on Rafe. I can let Quinn consume my thoughts later but for now, I need to stay clear headed for Rafe and Tamsyn. I push my back against the wall and slide down until I’m sitting next to Scott who has taken a spot on the floor.
“You think he’ll be okay?” Scott sadly asks, focussing on a random spot on the opposite wall.
“I really hope so,” I say, as my head drops forward. We all let the silence surround us as we wait. After about ten minutes of waiting patiently, Rafe’s parents arrive and greet JP.
“Hi son, you alright?” Rafe’s dad asks JP, and he nods in answer. Rafe is the splitting image of his dad. His mum’s slender frame is shaking as she gazes at JP, her worry for her son dripping off her.
“He said it was an accident,” his mum says to JP, but the way she says it, you can hear the doubt in her voice. JP stares at her for a beat before he takes her hand in his.
“It wasn’t an accident. He rang our friend Tamsyn before it happened. She said he was talking weird but she’s sure it wasn’t an accident,” he informs them both. Rafe’s mum’s hand covers her mouth as her own tears spring to her eyes. Her husband pulls her into his side. “Talk to Tamsyn when you get a chance. She’s in there with him now,” he informs them.
“She’s the one who saved him?” Rafe’s dad asks.
“He rang her before it happened and she ran all the way there, called emergency services and pulled him out of the water and gave him CPR,” I tell everyone
, letting them know exactly what my girl went through last night. She’s going to need more than me to get her through what she experienced. Penny’s sniffles bring my gaze to her and I see the tears clogging her eyes. Her love for Tamsyn is obvious when she’s thinking of what Tamsyn must be feeling right now. It makes me appreciate Tamsyn has a friend like her around. She’s needed a girl to have her back fully.
“What are you guys doing out here?” Rafe’s dad asks.
“We were giving Rafe and Tamsyn some space to talk,” JP tells him. He nods in reply as he keeps his wife tucked into his side, comforting her.
“Do you kids want a hot drink or anything?” his dad asks.
“No thanks,” we all surprisingly reply in unison.
“Well, we might give Rafe a bit longer with Tamsyn while we go get a coffee. We’ll be back in a bit,” he says to no one in particular. Rafe’s parents turn on their heels and make their way back down the corridor which they came from. The rest of us retreat back into our heads, the silence surrounding us once again while we wait. My mind wanders to Tamsyn and hopes she’s all right.
Chapter 5
-- Tamsyn --
“I’m fine. It was an accident man, I’ve already told you that. I slipped,” Rafe says to JP, trying to convince him. I can’t control my shaking. I’m not sure why all eyes are suddenly on me, I’m focussed on the helpless boy stretched out on the hospital bed. He lifts his arms up for me but staring at him, I don’t believe the smile on his face so my body won’t let me go to him. Instead my body automatically takes a step towards Tate, needing his strength. Rafe’s face releases the smile he was faking and I see the hurt laced across it which he usually hides. As he closes his eyes, I draw in a breath. He’s not faking anymore. The river of tears fall from his eyes and I race to him. I jump into his embrace, pressing my ear to his chest to hear his heartbeat, to reassure me it’s not a dream. He’s here. He’s safe. His embrace around me is just as tight as mine. I hear Tate’s voice but I can’t focus on the words while the thumping in my ear calms me.
“Petal, it’s okay,” Rafe says, and I sob because it’s anything but okay. How could this boy, who is a ray of light, be so miserable inside?
“It’s not okay, Rafe. You’re not okay,” I mumble into his chest. His fist goes under my chin moving my eyes up to meet his watery gaze.
“I’m okay, I promise,” he says. “It was an accident,” he tells me, which has my blood boiling.
“Don’t Rafe. You can lie to everyone else but not me. Please don’t lie to me. You were talking about being free,” I plead with him. He closes his eyes to compose himself before responding.
“It was the alcohol talking. I slipped. You gotta believe me,” he begs. I don’t understand why he’s trying to act like everything is fine.
“Do you know what happened?” I ask him.
“I vaguely remember calling you then I slipped and fell into the water and someone pulled me out and gave me CPR. My parents didn’t tell me much else and my memory isn’t very good because of the alcohol,” he says. My breath catches because he doesn’t know it was me who saved him. I leap out of the bed, tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. “What is it?” he asks. With a shaky voice I fill him in on the details he doesn’t know.
“It was me. I saved you,” I tell him, staring straight into his devastated face.
“Petal, I’m sor...,”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “I raced down to the dock and you were face down in the water. I jumped in and I had to drag you to shore.” I take a breath as I’m puffing, getting worked up explaining what happened. He lowers his eyes but he has to face this. “Look at me,” I all but scream at him. I gesture to my small frame running my hand up and down. “I had to drag your massive body out of the water and all I could think was please let me have the strength to do this while begging for you to be okay. You weren’t breathing when I got you to shore so I had to give you CPR,” I tell him. His eyes plead with me to believe it was an accident, but all it does is make my skin burn with anger. “You weren’t fucken breathing Rafe. Do you get that? Do you get how not okay that is?” The weight of the night before pulls me to my knees as I fall apart. I cover my face with my hands as I crumble. Strong arms engulf me and pull me up into a firm chest carrying me back to his bed.
“Don’t cry Petal. I’m okay. I’m still here,” he whispers, and I cry harder because he’s still trying to convince me. Why can’t he let the lie go already? He cradles my head against his chest and that’s how we remain until we hear the door opening. Rafe’s arms stiffen around me and it’s quiet for a minute until I hear Tate’s voice.
“Tamsyn, you alright?” he asks, the concern evident in his voice. I disengage myself from Rafe and hurry to Tate who lifts me up into his arms, my legs and arms squeezing the life out of him as I shake with anger and hurt. I know Rafe’s hurting but I’m hurting too. Rafe denying anything is wrong is just making it worse. How can we help him if he won’t admit it? “Do you wanna go?” Tate whispers in my ear, and I nod my head against his neck.
“Tamsyn, please don’t leave like this,” Rafe begs, which has me looking up at him through my tear stained eyes.
I keep my voice steady as I say in front of everyone, his parents included, “You can lie to everyone Rafe but not me. I know the truth. You need help. No one is going to think any less of you. Just ask for it. You’re not okay and you won’t be until you can admit it wasn’t an accident and you need help.” All my strength has left my body and Tate carries me out of the room, not letting me down until we get to JP’s car.
“What happened Sweetness? You’re shaking,” he says, as he helps me into the passenger seat. I feel the chill at the loss of his body contact and tears still drip down my face. He hops into the driver’s seat and takes my hand in his, making my eyes find his. Worry covers all his features.
“Rafe is trying to convince everyone it was an accident and it’s making me so mad. It wasn’t an accident. You believe me, don’t you?” I ask, as I start to wonder if I’ve gotten it wrong myself. No, I’m a hundred percent sure it wasn’t an accident.
“Of course I do. From what you told me Rafe said on the phone, it doesn’t sound like he was in a good headspace last night,” he gently says. I let the conversation with Rafe from the night before run through my head, coming to the same conclusion; it wasn’t an accident.
“Why won’t he ask for help and admit something is wrong?” I ask. Tate releases my hand and cups my face, brushing my tears away with his thumb.
“We know more than anyone how hard it is to ask for help, Sweetness. All we can do is be there for him and let him know we are here when he’s ready. We can’t force him to ask for help,” he softly says. I know Tate’s words make sense because I never reached out and asked for help. If it hadn’t been for Tate noticing me, I would probably still be walking around in a perpetual haze of grief.
“That doesn’t feel like it’s enough though. What if he tries something again?” My words crack as a sob escapes, thinking of what could have happened last night if I hadn’t gotten there in time. What if I couldn’t save him? Tate’s arms surround me as he hugs me awkwardly over the center console. He embraces me until my sobs quieten down then releases me.
“How about we go back to your place and watch some T.V?” He asks, starting the car.
“Sure,” I say, needing to lie down and do nothing else for the rest of the day. Silence fills the car as Tate drives us to my house.
As we enter my house, my mum rushes to us and asks, “How is he?” She sounds as worried about Rafe as we are.
“He’s acting like it was an accident and that there’s nothing wrong with him,” I tell her. I can hear my anger rearing its head again.
“Give him time bub,” she says.
“We’re gonna go watch some Netflix,” I tell her, as I turn to walk up the stairs with Tate at my back. I k
ick my shoes off, grab my remote off the bedside table, turn the T.V. on and start flicking through movies. Tate takes his own shoes off and sits next to me, pulling me into his chest and kissing my temple. I click on the first movie, not caring what it is and snuggle into Tate’s warm embrace. I close my eyes, letting the exhaustion I still feel wash over me, dragging me into slumber.
-- Tate --
My fingers run through her soft hair, as her gentle snores fill the room. I haven’t been able to focus on the movie knowing she’s hurting and I don’t know what to do about it. I get why Rafe is denying it. When you are trapped in a darkness so neverending it’s as if there’s no way out. The voices in your head twist your thoughts and convince you that no one wants to hear about your problems. That no one will help you if you say anything. That you are a burden. That you aren’t worthy of help. The voices tell you that what is going on in your head is normal and it’s nothing to worry about until it gets to a point where you are so overwhelmed inside, fighting this inner battle that you explode. The darkness tried to convince me that I needed it to survive, that it was helping me but in reality it was cutting me off from everyone. The darkness eats away at you from the inside out until you are nothing but a shell, feeling trapped inside yourself with no way out. I couldn’t help Quinn but maybe I can help Rafe before it’s too late.
