by J N Wood
‘Yer joking aren’t ya?’ I asked, looking down at a blackened mess of a bicycle. At one time, it had probably been a very nice mountain bike.
‘We changed the seat, the chain, the wheels, and obviously the tyres,’ Michael informed me.
I could almost hear the pity in his voice.
‘Couldn’t find any new grips,’ he continued. ‘So I gaffer taped them. Don’t try changing gear though, it’ll just lock up.’
‘Erm…yeah. Thanks very much. I think.’
Everybody else’s bikes looked brand new, and in pristine condition. I picked up mine by the handle bars, bits of metal flaked off in my hands.
‘What gear is it in?’ I asked. ‘I’m not gonna have to ride it in top gear the whole way am I?’
‘Third, I think,’ Michael replied.
‘How far away is the bus?’ I asked.
‘Twenty five miles,’ Shannon answered.
‘Fuck’s sake,’ I said, under my breath.
The five of us rode along the freeway, me obviously at the back. I couldn’t even keep up with the injured Jack. It reminded me of the kids on their bikes in E.T. Michael even had a basket on the front of his. His crossbow was positioned in it so he could easily grab it.
I had an idea so I pedalled a bit harder to catch up with Jack.
‘Hey Jack,’ I said, once I was alongside him. ‘If we pass my car, why don’t we just drive the rest of the way to the bus?’
‘Yep, best thing you’ve ever said. My ribs are killing me.’
‘What was that?’ Shannon asked, slowing down to let us catch her up.
‘I’m not entirely sure to be honest, but I think I left my car a bit further up here. In Miltas, or Mapitus, Multipass, Millipedes? Something like that.’
‘Milpitas?’ Jack offered. ‘That’s about fifteen miles away.’
‘Yep, that’s it,’ I said.
‘Quiet guys,’ Michael hissed. ‘Zombies on the right.’
A group, maybe in the hundreds, were congregated in a car park off to our right. They were tightly packed in together and unnaturally still. They certainly looked like they were in their dormant state.
Gee looked over his shoulder towards me. ‘Sleeping,’ he simply said.
‘Fuck off Gee, you twat,’ I whispered. ‘There’s not many of them. You couldn’t even call that a swarm.’
Before he turned to face forward again, I noticed a slight glint in his eye.
‘Yeah, the car is a good idea Chris. Change of plan guys,’ Shannon said, trying to get the attention of Michael and Gee. ‘Aim for Chris’s car, he says it’s up this road. We can drive the rest of the way to the bus.’
Gee and Michael both nodded in agreement.
It was just over an hour later when I recognised the junction where I’d left the car. Hate was not too strong a word for how I felt about the burnt piece of shit I was sat on. Jack was also really struggling, looking like he was in a lot of pain.
I pointed to the freeway above us. ‘It’s just up there.’ I turned my attention to Jack. ‘How did you cycle all the way into Mountain View?’
‘Slowly, really slowly,’ he replied.
We climbed off our bikes and walked them up to the freeway.
‘Have you got a thing for Toyota Corollas?’ Jack asked, as he laid his bike down on the side of the road.
‘Yes, it’s my favourite car,’ I replied, while quickly checking in my bag. Relief flowed through me as my fingers touched the car keys. I’d completely forgotten what I’d done with them.
‘Really?’ Jack asked.
‘No, not really. It’s alright though. Does the job.’
‘Open her up Chris,’ Shannon said. ‘We’ll throw our stuff in the trunk.’
We were soon driving up the I-680. The five foot three and very svelte Shannon was in the passenger seat alongside me. She’d insisted on sitting in the front after explaining she gets car sick. I looked in the rear view mirror, laughing when I saw the annoyed expression on Jack’s face. He noticed me looking and gave me an ironic smile.
Big Gee must have been at least six foot five, and was sat behind Shannon. Jack was squashed in the middle, and I know that he’s six foot one, while Michael was sat behind me. He was probably about five foot nine or ten, but I wouldn’t have said he was exactly svelte. They’d all asked to drive, but there was no way I was handing the keys over to anyone.
‘How much further Shannon?’ Jack begged.
‘Not far,’ she replied. ‘I can’t look at the map for too long without feeling sick though.’
‘Pass it back,’ Michael said.
A couple of minutes later, after Michael had finally managed to fold the map into a manageable size in the cramped space, he said, ‘About six miles to go.’
Gee and Jack both groaned in frustration.
Chapter 2: World’s Strongest
The car’s headlights illuminated a big yellow school bus, only this one had massive tyres, and a very battered snow plough attached to the front.
With more groans, the three guys spilled out of the back doors.
‘They look like monster truck wheels,’ I said. ‘And what happened to the snow plough?’
Shannon paused as she was climbing out of the car. ‘We picked it up on the other side of Reno. It’s just what they use to move the kids about in the snow. And we didn’t just use it to plough the snow. We used it to move anything that was in our way. It’s a bit of a gas guzzler, but Gee is a very good gas scavenger.’
We retrieved our stuff from the boot, and climbed aboard the bus. It might not have had the comfort of a big tour bus, but there was more than enough space to fit five people. I counted thirteen rows of seats behind the driver.
‘I take first driving shift,’ Gee said, climbing into the driver’s seat.
Nobody objected. I certainly wasn’t going to.
‘I’ll navigate,’ Michael quickly said, the map still in his hand.
Jack, Shannon and I took up the second and third rows of seats.
‘Never been on an American school bus before,’ I said. ‘It’s like we’re in a movie.’
‘I know,’ Jack agreed. ‘That’s exactly what I said when I first got in.’
‘Is it good, this Road Trip movie?’ Shannon asked. Her back was up against the window, with her legs stretched out in front of her.
‘Meh, it’s alright,’ I replied. ‘I was thinking of Forest Gump just then though.’
‘Yes, me too,’ Jack declared.
‘Not seen it,’ Michael and Shannon said in unison.
‘Fuck off,’ I said. ‘How have you not seen Forest Gump?’
‘Just haven’t,’ Shannon replied.
Gee turned on the engine, saying, ‘I watch Forest Gump.’
‘I wonder if Tom Hanks is still alive,’ Jack pondered.
‘Who is Tom Hanks?’ Shannon asked.
‘Fucking hell,’ I exclaimed. ‘Right, I’m not talking to you. That’s just fucking ridiculous.’
Gee turned the wheel and guided us back onto the main road. I could see an actual smile on his face.
As we were leaving the rest area, Michael told Gee we should avoid going anywhere near Sacramento again.
‘Was Sacramento bad then?’ I asked Shannon and Jack.
‘Yep, pretty awful,’ Jack replied. ‘We drove around it, trying to keep to the outskirts, but there were still a lot of dead bodies. The streets were filled with them. Hundreds of thousands maybe.’
‘And a lot of zombies,’ Shannon added. ‘They were unavoidable. We had to drive through a lot of the sleeping ones, which obviously woke the others up. You can drive for hours without seeing any at all, and then the next minute, they’re everywhere.’
‘It’s scary driving through that many, all of them banging against the side of the bus, trying to get to us,’ Jack said. He looked to Shannon before continuing. ‘It was after Sacramento that we had a little issue.’
Michael had swivelled around in his seat to look back at
us.
Shannon let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Yeah okay. I got bitten by a zombie.’
There was an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds, my eyes darting between Jack and Shannon.
‘Oh, right,’ I eventually said, not really sure what to say. ‘How’s that been then?’
‘Fantastic,’ she replied. ‘Absolutely fantastic.’
‘She’s fine,’ Michael said, turning back around to look at the road.
‘When we stopped after Sacramento,’ Shannon continued. ‘I got out to use the bathroom. There was a zombie stuck between the plough and the bus, and it fell out as I was passing. It caught me by surprise and clamped its teeth into the back of my leg. I just froze. Luckily Gee killed it before it did any serious damage.’
Shannon stood up and faced the front of the bus. She started to fiddle with something in front of her.
‘You seem alright,’ I said to her. ‘No cravings for human flesh then?’
‘No not yet,’ she said, and pulled her trousers down to her knees, catching me by surprise.
‘Whoa!’ I said, looking away. ‘You didn’t need to prove it, I believed you.’
‘You can look,’ Shannon said. ‘I’ve got my big underwear on.’
I turned my head back around to see if she was telling the truth. She was. They were huge. ‘Did you steal them off your granny?’ I asked, laughing.
Jack let out a little chuckle.
‘Thanks Chris,’ she replied. ‘We are in the middle of the apocalypse. Now look at my bite so I can pull my pants back up.’
The lights in the bus were down quite low, but I could still see nasty looking puncture marks in her skin, forming the shape of a bite mark. They were just below her big granny pants.
‘Yep, seen it,’ I said.
Shannon pulled up her trousers and sat back down.
‘I hope you’re taking care of that? You don’t want an infection,’ I said, and smiled at Jack. He looked back at me with a straight face, shaking his head.
She spun around to face me. ‘That is not a laughing matter Christopher. We can’t just go and see a doctor now. We need to be taking care of ourselves. An infection could easily kill you.’
‘Okay, alright, I get it,’ I acknowledged, raising my hands. ‘What does that mean then? The zombies haven’t got the original killer virus? And they also can’t pass on the zombie turning virus thing. Or does it just take a while to turn into one? Or what? I don’t know.’
‘Your girlfriend said the virus had gone,’ Jack said to me.
Shannon shot me an accusing look. ‘Jack said you were married.’
I looked at Jack and shook my head. ‘Yes, I am married. Jack is just taking the piss. She was a friend, but also a girl. Well, a woman. She was of age, fucking hell, it doesn’t matter. She did say she thought the virus had gone though. I’m not entirely sure she had any scientific data to back the theory up.’
‘Neither do I,’ Shannon said. ‘But I think it’s all been some kind of biological attack. The virus was stage one, wiping out millions of lives. The zombies are stage two, wiping out whoever is left. The virus was designed to only last a few days, and the zombies were designed to only kill, not make more zombies. So hopefully that means they’ll waste away and die soon. Well, die again.’
‘I’m not saying you’re not right. But did you come up with this theory after you got bitten?’ I asked.
‘Some of it I did, yeah,’ she replied. ‘It’s still a big if, but, if it is another country wanting to wipe us off the planet–.'
‘It’ll be Trump’s fault,’ Michael called out, still facing forwards. ‘He’ll have gone too far and annoyed the wrong world leader.’
‘Anyway,’ Shannon continued. ‘They’re not going to want a killer virus and zombies roaming the country afterwards.’
‘Unless they have an antidote,’ Jack suggested.
‘What about the internet and phones all going down?’ I asked. ‘Any theories on that?’
‘The Chinese, the North Koreans, the Russians maybe?’ Shannon replied. ‘They’re always hacking into things over here, and in your country.’
I shrugged my shoulders. ‘Yep, could all be true. Just let me know if you’re considering eating me. Is this your speciality, bioweapons and the like?’
‘No, not at all. I develop smart novel bio-electronic nano-systems for studying cellular processes on a molecular scale.’
‘What the fuck?’ I said.
‘Sorry,’ Shannon said. ‘It’s really all about the fundamental study of charge transfer from prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells, in addition to break through methodologies of surface functionalization and control of the nano-scale.’
All I could say was, ‘Okay.’ I caught Jack’s eye, all he could do was smile and shrug his shoulders. ‘Anyway,’ I added. ‘Don’t suppose you’ve got any food?’
Jack got up and walked towards the back of the bus, he stopped a couple of rows back, returning with a plastic bag. He held it in front of me. ‘Take your pick,’ he said. ‘It’s a lucky dip.’
I pulled out an energy bar and a packet of crisps. ‘Ta very much.’
‘There should be some cans of Diet Pepsi under your seat Chris,’ Jack said, before offering the bag to Shannon.
‘How are you really feeling?’ I asked Shannon.
‘Honestly? No different.’ Her hand came out of the bag holding a Mars bar. She pulled a face, and dropped it back in to look for something else. ‘The bite still hurts a bit, but there is no sensation of the zombie infection rushing through my veins. Or anything like that.’
‘She’s fine,’ Michael repeated.
It only took an hour for us to get out of the built up areas. The road was soon surrounded by tree covered hills, a world away from the devastated towns I’d spent the last few days and nights. It was a weird feeling not driving or navigating, but not entirely unwelcome. It was a relief to take a bit of the pressure off.
‘Sorry guys, I need to take fucking shit,’ Gee said, as the bus started to slow.
‘Gee, I’ve told you about too much information,’ Shannon said. ‘Just say you need to use the bathroom.’
‘I do not need bathroom,’ he replied. ‘I just need fucking shit.’
I laughed as Shannon leaned back and rolled her eyes to the ceiling.
Gee parked the bus at the side of the road. After grabbing some toilet roll and a torch, he left through the front doors. Michael and Shannon followed, presumably not to watch him take a shit.
‘Where’s your baseball bat?’ Jack asked me.
‘Lost it in the snow a few days ago, I think.’
‘You’re in luck,’ he said, reaching under the seat in front of him. ‘Because I’ve graduated to this.’
He sat back up straight, an axe in both hands. The wooden handle was about two foot long, and the axe’s head was about the size of his face.
‘Are you okay to swing that around?’ I asked.
‘Not at the moment, but I will be.’
‘Why does it mean I’m in luck?’
He reached back down and picked up a baseball bat, it looked just like my Brooklyn Smasher. ‘Because I don’t need this anymore. They had it in the Austin School and said I could take it.’ He passed it to me across the bus. ‘It’s yours. If you want it.’
‘Yeah, cheers mate. I was thinking I’d have to do a bit of shopping for one. Thanks very much.’
‘No problem,’ he said.
It was almost identical to the one I’d lost, just with less blood stains.
‘My turn to drive,’ Michael said as he climbed back aboard, slipping into the driver’s seat.
‘Okay, I’ll map read,’ Shannon said, following her husband up the stairs.
A few seconds later Gee’s head appeared through the doorway, he looked irritated when he spotted Michael in his seat. ‘I am fucking tired, I go to sleep,’ he said, and marched down to the back of the bus, stretching out on the back seats.
‘Aren’t you gonn
a need a sick bucket?’ I asked Shannon.
‘No, don’t seem to get travel sick on the bus. It only happens in cars and boats.’
‘How far are you expecting to get tonight?’ Jack asked.
‘You should never expect anything my British friend,’ Michael replied.
Jack rolled his eyes and waited.
A few seconds passed by before Michael said, ‘I’m hoping we can get to a place by the name of Bend. It’s about seven hours away, give or take.’
‘Do you do the same thing as your wife Michael?’ I asked. ‘Whatever that may be.’
‘No, my new British friend. I am a high school math teacher. Or I was one.’
‘They’ll still have teachers in Canada,’ Shannon said.
‘Teachers in Canada? What a peculiar notion my dear wife.’
‘Stop showing off Michael,’ Shannon said. ‘Right now you’re a bus driver, so drive the bus.’
‘Why yes, of course,’ he replied.
I decided to take a leaf out of Big Gee’s book, so I sat back and closed my eyes.
‘Chris! Gee! Wakey wakey,’ someone was shouting, it sounded like Michael’s voice. I opened my eyes and sat up, just as Gee walked by the end of my seat.
‘Sorry fellas,’ Michael said. ‘The road is blocked. It’ll be quieter if you two move the vehicles, rather than us just driving through them.’
I looked out of the window. Buildings loomed out of the darkness.
‘Where are we?’ I asked.
‘Redding,’ Shannon said.
‘Reading?’
‘Wake up Chris,’ Jack said. ‘Redding, California. Not Reading, England. It’s the zombie apocalypse. There are no Russians attacking you. Just a Lithuanian that needs your help.’
I raised my fist towards Jack and very slowly extended my middle finger. ‘Can we not drive around?’ I asked, trying to stifle a yawn.
‘No, sorry,’ Michael said. ‘There are trees on the left and…’ He trailed off, peering through the windscreen. ‘And something on the right, maybe a church. There’s no way around. It’s only about six or seven cars deep, and then it’s clear, as far as I can tell. Twelve cars to move, that should do it.’
