by Chris Colfer
There you have it—my complete story from my own lips. Your queen has lived a difficult and challenging life, but she’s only become stronger, wiser, and prettier because of it. Now that you’ve heard my inspiring story of survival, you should have no reservation about following my advice in the rest of this guide.
My God, I’ve been at this for hours! Don’t expect the following chapters to be as long as this. I still have a kingdom to look after, you know. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to treat myself to a nice hot bubble bath.
Reminiscing is exhausting, especially when you’ve lived a life as significant as mine. It’s just like Shakyfruit once wrote: “Uneasy is the head that wears a hood.”
Chapter 2
Image Is Everything
Without question, the most important and sacred thing to a ruler is his or her image! Any monarch who says “the well-being of their people and kingdom is what matters most to me” is only saying that to gain approval and avoid a revolution. Trust me—I’ve been there!
Don’t be fooled by the poor saps who claim “what’s inside your heart is what truly matters”—that is an absolute lie! The outside definitely outweighs the inside when you sit on a throne. You must be taken seriously if you want to survive as a monarch, and that starts with your appearance. No one is going to respect or admire a pudgy slob. You must look and act the part if you expect to get anywhere… or simply stay exactly where you are.
To your people, you represent God, because she chose you to lead them. (One might argue that a farmer, a shepherdess, three old folks, and a chicken chose me; to that, I say, “God works in mysterious ways!”) Therefore, you must represent God by being nothing less than perfection in the public eye. In a way, you must be God-like yourself.
I believe anyone can achieve this immortal facade with three easy steps I’ve created. I call them the Royal APP: appearance, performance, and perception.
Appearance
Sometimes a king or queen is the only glimpse of a kingdom the outside world is privy to. Consequently, the condition of your government, economy, and citizens will be assessed on your looks alone. In other words, your book will be judged by its cover, so make it pretty!
Let’s have a moment of honesty. I’m the queen of a farming country; if I accurately represented my kingdom, I would be walking around in a bonnet with rural animals running in circles around my feet. Not going to happen! Luckily, as queen it’s my duty to bring class and respectability to my kingdom’s image. I can’t let the world think we’re a bunch of staff-carrying pig breeders—even if we are. That’s why I’ve chosen to shape my appearance after my kingdom’s potential, not its truth. And I strongly recommend you do the same.
I believe the Red Riding Hood Kingdom will live up to its name and become a beautiful, wealthy, and cosmopolitan nation. So that’s how I dress, and it’s benefited us greatly. My sense of style is why our kingdom has such good relations with the neighboring countries. Everyone who sees me imagines the kingdom is as strong, rich, and sophisticated as I am. (And the fact that we grow over two-thirds of the world’s food doesn’t hurt, either.)
The better I look to the world, the better my kingdom looks to the world, and the better my kingdom looks to the world, the better I look to my own people. It’s a wonderful and enjoyable cycle that furthers my superiority.
So, as anyone can see, my need for nice things is entirely selfless. The gowns, the jewelry, the castles, the parties, and everything about my lavish lifestyle are for the prosperity of my people. I endure it all for them.
Performance
Every ruler must learn to act sooner than later. As difficult as it may be, you must never seem tired, angry, hungry, envious, or anything but perfectly comfortable. Any trace of humanity will be seen as weakness, and visible weaknesses can be dangerous to a ruler.
Never say “I have to use the little girls room” or “I need a nap” or “I’m going to start throwing the babies I get asked to kiss if I don’t get out of here!” All statements can be replaced with the simple phrase “Now I must be alone to think about matters of the kingdom.” Or, if you’re really desperate, like when a villager won’t stop talking, you can interrupt them with “Pardon me, I forgot about a very important matter I need to address this moment.” No one can ever fault you for saying this, and it’s a guaranteed way to get some much-needed alone time.
Of course, we both know the truth of our humanity. There are some days we can’t help looking like the humans we are. Even God’s chosen ones become ill, fatigued, or puffy from time to time. Thankfully, I have a solution for these times of need: jewelry!
Save your finest and shiniest jewels for the times you aren’t feeling your best. When people are blinded by your diamond necklace, they’ll never see the circles under your eyes. No one can say you look any less like a million gold coins if you’re wearing something literally worth a million gold coins.
Perception
This is the most important part of the Royal APP. If you play your cards right, a solid perception will make your appearance and performance much easier to manage.
One out of ten citizens may have the privilege of seeing me in the flesh during their lifetime. So how do you make your presence known throughout your kingdom when physical encounters are rare? The answer is simple and rulers have been doing it since the beginning of time: tributes!
There’s a reason monarchs display so many portraits and statues of themselves throughout their kingdom. Narcissism, obviously—but if they’re smart, they’ll use their narcissism strategically. The trick is getting people to know “you” without ever meeting you. I use the adorable quotations because the “you” that you want known may not be who you actually are. I’ll explain.…
A respectable and admirable public opinion is achieved by a light dose of brainwashing. Harsh, but true—just like overhead lighting. But don’t worry, the peasants are so wrapped up in their peasantry they have no clue it’s even happening. Getting them to understand the concept of washing has been a challenge alone; I doubt their tender minds could recognize the subliminal messages strategically staged around the kingdom to subconsciously alter their judgment. I don’t even understand what I just wrote.
It’s not a secret that most kings and queens force artists to alter their appearance in artwork. You should see what real monarchs look like in comparison to their portraits. Woof! If the art was truthful, once the artist finished their noses there would be no paint left!
But besides improving their attractiveness, most leaders use art as a way to bend the truth of their political status. A cowardly leader might request to be painted with a menacing facade. A ruler in debt may demand to be surrounded by wealth in a painting. A self-consciously short king may have a tall statue of himself built in the center of town. A queen who hates the snot-nosed brats at a local orphanage may have a portrait made of her embracing them.
These are all important measures a monarch must take to control perception. So whatever you’re lacking as a ruler, whether it be bravery, wealth, height, or compassion, make your portraits and statues show the opposite and no one will ever be the wiser.
Naturally, I wouldn’t know about it personally. This is one of the many instances where my citizens are lucky to have a genuinely beautiful and brilliant queen. I don’t think an artist could improve me if they tried. It’s known throughout my kingdom that I’m much more beautiful than my paintings and sculptures imply.
There you have it: the Royal APP explained! If you practice it routinely, you will convince not only your people of your perfection, but also yourself!
It’s a lot of pressure to put on one’s shoulders, but to quote Queen Snow White’s friends at the dwarf mines: “Pressure is what separates the dirt from the diamonds.”
Only once you’ve perfected your image would I advise moving your attention to a secondary priority, like your kingdom and people’s needs. Remember, there is no kingdom without the I.
Chapter 3
One of the first things they teach a new leader is to beware of flattery. Someone may be using praise and compliments as a way of gaining your trust, only to betray you in the end. You must guard your heart and keep a lookout for people with alternative motives.
While I’m sure this is a great lesson for ugly people in positions of power, I can safely say it doesn’t apply to me. As you know, I’m overwhelmingly beautiful. If I distanced myself from every flatterer, I would have to live in total solitude. In fact, it’s more concerning when someone is in my presence and they don’t compliment me. Those are the people I need to keep an eye on.
Thankfully, I don’t have to be suspicious of praise like some rulers do. Anyone who pays me a compliment is just stating a basic fact. To say I’m brilliant or beautiful is like saying the sun is bright or the grass is green. And facts have never influenced my decision making in the slightest.
Unfortunately, so many leaders must be cautious of compliments because they are not blessed with my attractiveness. It takes all the fun out of being a monarch, if you ask me. If a king or queen cannot enjoy someone basking in their glory from time to time, then what is the point of wearing a crown?
Thanks to my fortunate looks, I believe I’ve unintentionally come up with a solution for this matter. No matter how unattractive you are, create a law that forces your people to compliment you! Make everyone in your presence praise you at least three times an hour. Even compliment yourself—don’t get out of bed until you’ve told yourself how wonderful you are! Drown yourself in praise so the harm-doers are muted. If everyone is praising you, the people plotting against you will have to find another way into your head. And if everyone is getting to you, no one can.
Sometimes the best way to prevent a burn is by lighting yourself on fire! (In one of his edits, Charlie has informed me I need to be very clear that this is a joke. Please do not treat burns with fire.)
Chapter 4
Appointing Royal Subjects
It’s difficult to trust people when you’re a monarch—that’s why it’s of grave importance to appoint people you can depend on into your circle of royal subjects. You mustn’t be too hard on yourself if you discover one of them is plotting your downfall, as this is a common occurrence. The good news is, if a royal subject betrays or disappoints you, you can have them killed. That’s why we rulers invented the wonderful term treason. It keeps everyone on their toes!
The person you appoint must be a good fit with the position you bestow. Whatever you assign someone to do, everyone in your kingdom must agree that they are the best person for the job. Luckily, since I established a new government, I was able to make up the titles as I went. For your reference, here is a list of my royal subjects and why I decided to appoint them to the position they hold.
The Third Little Pig, Chief of Staff
You need someone very responsible to spearhead all your political endeavors. They must come to the table already proven of wise decision making and the capability of handling stressful situations. I thought no one in the kingdom had done this better than the third Little Pig. He’s famous for making good choices! His smart idea to build his home with bricks instead of other materials saved his life from the Big Bad Wolf. Since then, he’s helped my reign with his meticulous organization skills and subtle advice when I’m faced with a hard choice myself. He’s my rock—or brick, rather.
Lady Muffet, Secretary of Defense
After her famous encounter with a spider, Lady Muffet vowed that would be the last thing to “sit down beside her” without her consent. Lady Muffet manages the kingdom’s defense exactly as she manages her own—by always keeping one eye open on the environment she’s in and removing herself from all signs of danger. The poor thing is a curds-and-whey addict, but thankfully it hasn’t interfered with her work.
Sir BaaBaa Blacksheep, Secretary of Treasury
Sir Blacksheep is the most optimistic animal I know, which is a very important quality for the lamb in charge of the kingdom’s money. Just as he famously budgeted his wool, Sir Blacksheep always manages to keep us from falling into debt. Every time I ask him if the kingdom’s financial state is positive, he replies, “Yes, ma’am, yes, ma’am. Three banks full.” (Sir Henny Penny was my previous Secretary of Treasury, but he was too much of a worrywart. Government is no place for a nut who constantly thinks the sky is falling.)
Sir Jack Horner, Secretary of Nutrition
A fed kingdom is a happy kingdom, and Sir Jack Horner is a genius when it comes to handling our food supply. Even in the middle of a famine, he’ll work tirelessly with farmers until they come up with enough food for everyone. He can stick his thumb into almost anything and pull out a plum. That reminds me, it’s gotten a little inappropriate recently.… I really should talk to him about it.
Three Blind Mice, Supreme Court Justices
Justice is blind, and so are they! This was an easy decision to make. The Three Blind Mice never judge someone based on their race, gender, orientation, or background, but instead base their verdicts solely on the evidence brought to the court’s attention. With that said, I’ll admit they’re a little harder on certain species than others—in particular, the feline population. It’s resulted in the biggest cat emigration in history, but no one in the kingdom has really missed them.
The Little Old Woman from the Shoe Inn, Chief Historian
It’s good to have a living history book on your side to remind you of all the mistakes your predecessors have made. I thought the Little Old Woman was the perfect person for the job. After raising a dozen children and hundreds of grandchildren, what hasn’t she seen? It’s a miracle her mind is in the condition it’s in. It’s remarkable how easily she can reference something from the past. Getting her to shut up about history has been tricky.
Granny, Chief Advisor
Last but certainly not least, my chief advisor could be no one else but my beloved granny. The chief advisor is the most important person to a monarch; you must trust them with your life, and they must have your best interests at heart. Granny is always good about doing the things I cannot before making a crucial decision, like research. I couldn’t run my kingdom as successfully if it weren’t for her. To be honest, I’m not sure Granny even realizes she has an official title—she may just be opinionated.
Chapter 5
Peasants Are Like Pets
Similar to creating your image, it is very important to establish a relationship with your people. On top of knowing who you are, it’s good for them to know what type of ruler they’re dealing with.
It’s widely believed that there are only two options a leader can choose from: being a tyrant or a caretaker. As Nicole Macarena famously asks in her book The Prince, “Is it better to be feared or loved?” or something like that. I’m paraphrasing, obviously. I’m running a kingdom and writing a book; there is no time to reference things.
This is a decision kings and queens struggle to make, for every monarch views his or her institution differently. Kings often choose the tyrant path. They command their kingdoms like captains on ships, barking orders and forcing respect by instilling fear. Usually, queens take a more maternal approach. They treat their people like their own children and hope for admiration in exchange for their compassion.
Personally, I don’t see how either of these works. Too much fear could lead to resentment, while too much love could lead to vulnerability. It’s not a question of “cruelty versus mercy” as Macarena suggests but finding the right balance of cruelty and mercy. So now I would like to make history by presenting a third option. Luckily for you, I have perfectly characterized what the ideal relationship between a ruler and their citizens should be!
Peasants Are Like Pets
Obviously I’m aware that comparing my people to animals kept on leashes will raise a few eyebrows, so allow me to defend this philosophy. Here are a few examples that will undoubtedly convince you:
1. Just like pets, peas
ants must be fed, given shelter, awarded when good and disciplined when bad, and cared for emotionally.
You can’t possibly argue with that, so I’ll continue.
2. Dominance must be established. Pets must always know you are in charge and that if they cross you they’ll be punished. (Come to think of it, this is the basis of all my relationships.)
Are we still in agreement? Good!
3. If your pet gets into a neighbor’s yard, you become responsible for whatever damage is done. And if they bite someone, you’ll have to put them down.
I’ll explain further: If one of my citizens went into a neighboring kingdom and caused harm, it would reflect poorly on me—especially if I did nothing about it. A war might break out if rulers didn’t distance themselves from crimes committed by their people.
Just last week, Queen Rapunzel sent an arsonist from her kingdom to the gallows for trying to set an estate in the Charming Kingdom ablaze. She had no choice—if she didn’t take action, the Charming family would have been offended. (I even heard the noose was made of Rapunzel’s hair, but that sounds a little too desperate—even for Rapunzel.)
