by Chris Colfer
“Thank you, but I won’t be needing it,” she said defensively. “Now that my kingdom has been restored and the Enchantress is gone for good, I’ve been sleeping quite regularly.”
The poor thing must have been in denial about it. Later in the evening, during one of my longer toasts, I caught her dozing off for a bit. (Now that I mention it, Granny and Charlie had fallen asleep, too. There must have been something in the soup.)
Conversation
A gathering is only as good as the chemistry between its guests. It’s wise to come up with a list of topics beforehand to keep your company stimulated. I wanted to discuss intelligent matters that would spark everyone’s interest. Dinner conversation isn’t fun unless everyone can partake and enjoy it. So this is the list I came up with, which you may use as a template:
1. How has Queen Red influenced you the most?
2. What is something about the Red Riding Hood Kingdom you wish you could do with yours?
3. Which of Queen Red’s dresses is your favorite?
4. Why is your Prince Charming the most charming?
5. How has Queen Red recently impressed you?
6. If my prince hadn’t rescued me, I would probably be _________ right now.
7. Which great leader, living or dead, does Queen Red remind you of?
8. Mermaids: Fish or Mammals?
9. If you had Rapunzel’s hair, what’s the craziest thing you’d do with it?
10. Damsels in distress: Are cries for help really just cries for attention?
11. What’s one of Queen Red’s qualities you wish you had more of?
12. Describe your ideal happily-ever-after.
Be Prepared for the Worst
Usually, the more important an occasion is, the more likely something will go terribly wrong. That’s just the way it is. So if you’re going to host a dinner for royalty, you need to be prepared for ANYTHING.
As you plan your event, carefully assess everything that could go wrong. By the time my guests arrived, there wasn’t a single disruption I hadn’t planned for.
• Although Snow White wasn’t on the throne during the C.R.A.W.L. Revolution, I didn’t want any hard feelings to surface between us. So, every time Granny brought up “the war against the north” (which is quite a bit when she gets around new people), I instructed a server to interrupt her with the next course.
• Unbeknownst to my guests, my pockets were full of bones to toss at Clawdius in case he got into trouble. The closest call was when I caught him chewing on Rapunzel’s hair under the table. Luckily she didn’t notice the large chunk he had eaten. (That couldn’t have been easy to digest!)
• A butler was standing in the hall with a bucket of water during the entire meal should anything or anyone catch on fire. After my first castle burned down, I learned I had flammable taste.
• The knights’ armor that decorated the corners of the dining room actually had soldiers inside them should a war or a revolution break out before dessert.
• I had the chef prepare an extra plate if someone brought an unexpected guest without telling me. My hunch proved to be right, because as the main course was being served, Cinderella found one of her pet mice had snuck into her pocket before leaving the Charming Palace. A normal person would think the dinner table was an inappropriate place for a rat—not Cinderella! She requested the extra plate and the rodent ate an entire rack of lamb by itself. Apparently, you can take the girl out of service, but you can’t take the service out of the girl.
• I even had exit routes planned in the event of a natural disaster. There was no earthquake, flood, fire, or famine that was going to rain on my parade!
All in all, thanks to my extraordinary coordinating skills, the dinner was a huge success! There wasn’t a single hitch! Each king and queen left much happier than they arrived and we made a plan to make plans of doing it again at someone else’s palace.
I haven’t heard from any of them, but that doesn’t dishearten me. Obviously, my dinner was such a smash, they were all too intimidated to follow it! You know, if this queen thing doesn’t work out, I think I have a great backup career. Perhaps Queen Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Event Planning should have been my first book.
Chapter 10
Recommended Reading
Since reading this book is probably the first time most of your brains have been so stimulated, I thought it would be kind to provide a list of titles I highly recommend reading after you conclude my book. It’s very important to continue your “mush into matter” effort beyond this publication. Don’t worry, I’ve summarized each book on your behalf and pointed out what you should learn from them. Reading comprehension takes a lot of energy, so don’t overdo it and pull a thinking muscle.
Queen Red Riding Hood’s Guide to Royalty by Queen Red Riding Hood—Don’t flip the book over to double-check the title—this is in your hands! I added my own book to this list for three reasons. Number one: It’s by far the best political book out there—trust me, I’ve read most of them. Number two: It’ll benefit you greatly to reread it in case you missed anything the first time around. Number three: Doesn’t it make you feel accomplished knowing you’ve taken a step in the right direction?
The Prince by Nicole Macarena—This is the book that started it all! If you’re curious to see what inspired my masterpiece, definitely check this out! I must warn you, it’s not as delightful as my book and it’s hard to read. To be honest, I didn’t know what she was talking about most of the time. However, it won’t be hard to recognize the ideas that I’ve so brilliantly updated. NOTE: When she talks about “principles,” she isn’t referring to the head of a school. I learned that the hard way.
Hamlet by William Shakyfruit—This selection is purely selfish because it’s one of my favorite stories. To put it simply, it’s absolutely hysterical. I mean, everyone is royal, but they’re all miserable! Isn’t that so amusing? And as punishment for their ridiculousness, they have obscene and theatrical deaths. There is a lot of political wisdom hidden throughout the silly plot, so much so that you forget it’s a comedy at times. Hamlet is a script, so it can be a group activity if you’d like. I make my royal subjects come to the castle every Thursday afternoon and perform it for me.
Utopia by Sir Thomas More—Make sure you have a handkerchief handy, because this one is a tearjerker. It takes place on a miserable island where everyone is treated the exact same—even the rulers! It really makes you respect the monarchy and understand the importance of a class system. Utopia cleverly displays how too much equality can be a very dull thing.
The Mother Goose Diaries by Mother Goose—Remember that lesson about learning from other people’s mistakes? This book proves that more than anything I’ve ever encountered. While I love Mother Goose dearly, much can be learned as you read about her interactions with rulers throughout history. Never take advice from an old woman who uses an overgrown farm animal as transportation. I thought that was a given, but I was wrong.
Outroduction
A Few Final Words
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and I’m afraid this book is no exception. This may be the only time you’ll come in contact with such profound wisdom, so do not be surprised if you experience a period of mourning and/or depression upon finishing it. But before you dive into the depths of withdrawal, let’s celebrate the time we shared by reviewing what I’ve taught you:
You learned the extent of my bravery and brilliance as I told you my heroic tale, and hopefully it inspired you to be courageous in your own life.
I taught you the importance of image and the proper methods of gaining and maintaining respect and admiration from your people.
You were warned to be cautious of flattery, for it may be laced with deception.
I told you how to carefully choose the people who work for you and to appoint only people who are perfect for the position.
I explained that the ideal relationship between a monarch and his or her citizens resembl
es that between man and man’s best friend.
When your enemies drag your name through the dirt, you can emerge covered in roses if you look for the flowers hidden in the field.
I showed you how learning from other people’s mistakes is just as important as learning from their achievements if you want a successful reputation.
I taught you that if you keep your annoyances close to your heart, you can use them as a shield.
You learned the necessary steps of planning for and hosting important figures, which will lead to prosperous relationships with your neighbors.
I’ve given you a list of literature I recommend so you may continue your education of politics and royalty.
Finally, I will leave you with the best piece of advice I’ve ever been given, and the source will surprise you. Cinderella once told me, “Remember, Red, it’s impossible to please everyone, so never make that a goal.”
I’m embarrassed to admit I actually agree with the rat whisperer. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my own balance of power and politics, of success and failure, of approval and disapproval, of luxury and responsibility, it’s this: You can’t please everyone, so make sure you please yourself!
Acknowledgments
So many people to thank, such little time! I would like to thank Charlie and Granny for editing my book and changing all the words I made up. To my darling Clawdius—Mommy loves you! A special thank-you to my friends Alex and Conner, whom I would love to see in an environment free of danger just once.
To all the wonderful people in my kingdom, I couldn’t be queen without you—literally! A big thanks to my royal subjects: the third Little Pig, Lady Muffet, Sir Jack Horner, Sir BaaBaa Blacksheep, the Little Old Woman from the Shoe Inn, and the Three Blind Mice. Thank you for looking after the kingdom so I could write about looking after the kingdom. Also, thank you for letting me pass the law to make buying a copy of this book mandatory to everyone in the kingdom—that will definitely help with sales!
I suppose some thanks should be given to the Big Bad Wolf himself. None of this would have been possible if he hadn’t tried to eat me all those years ago. He was a great villain but is an even better rug.
And, of course, I’d like to thank myself. Very few monarchs have the brilliance, the beauty, the patience, the charisma, the bravery, and the tiaras to inspire history. Bravo, me!
Praise for
Queen Red Riding Hood’s
Guide to Royalty
“By far the first book Red has written.”
—Red’s granny
“Red uses her unique voice to share clever political insight in a style no one else but the queen can get away with.”
—Prince Charlie “Froggy” Charming
“Of all the political advice books inspired by previous works of social commentary, this one made me laugh the most.”
—Alex Bailey
“I didn’t think Red could write, but she definitely wrote this.”
—Conner Bailey
“Just like Red, her book is a piece of work.”
—Goldilocks
“Red never ceases to amaze me.”
—Jack
“Great book, great coaster.”
—Mother Goose
“Two hooves up.”
—The third Little Pig
“Woof.”
—Clawdius
To Lester, for being the best gander a gal could ask for. Your landing technique still needs work.
Forewarning Foreword
Well, the time has come. The confidentiality agreements have expired, the cease-and-desist letters have stopped coming in, the dynasties I’ve been avoiding are dying out, and all the old mob bosses I owe money to are behind bars. Look out, world; Mother Goose is finally publishing a memoir!
I’ve never been a big fan of autobiographies. If I wanted to hear a bunch of whiny stories from insignificant, attention-seeking know-it-alls, I’d just have lunch with Little Miss Muffet. It takes something special to capture my attention. I’m talking unbelievable adventures with remarkable people, fascinating places in chaotic times, unusual predicaments and sequences of events, and highly questionable evidence to back up the author’s accountability. I guess that’s why I decided to reread my own diary!
Boy, am I glad I kept one! I had forgotten most of the crazy shenanigans I got into over the years. That’s what one too many pub brawls with talking animals and late-night ragers with enchanted silverware will do to your memory.
It’s been a hoot reliving some of my best and worst moments. So entertaining, in fact, I felt guilty not sharing it with the rest of the world. It won’t do anyone any good if I keep them to myself, and Lester is tired of hearing them over and over again. By popular demand, here is a selection of my favorite memories plucked straight from the fading parchment of my crumbling diary. (You know you’re old when you’ve outlived leather.)
Now, just like everything I’m involved with, this diary should come with a warning. People tend to be picky when it comes to “history,” so if you’re going to be a snob about “accuracy,” find something else to read. And if there are any so-called “scholars” out there who doubt me, let me be very clear: I was there, I know what I saw, and I know what I lived through. If my memories contradict the history you’ve been taught or the history you teach, that’s not my problem.
Just like they say, “History is invented by those who outdrank the other witnesses.” Or maybe I’m the one who said that? Anyhoo, I’m sure all your questions will be answered in the pages ahead. Enjoy!
100 DA (DRAGON AGE)
Dear Diary,
Today marks the hundredth anniversary of the dragons taking over the planet. It also happens to be my thirteenth birthday, and it’s the worst birthday I’ve ever had. Two months ago Mom and Dad ran off to pursue their dreams of becoming musicians. They said they wanted a better life for me than one on the road, so they sent me to live with the fairies in the Fairy Palace.
Sometimes living with the fairies feels like I’m living in a glittery, smiley, rainbow cult. Everyone in the Fairy Kingdom is obsessed with white magic and doing good deeds. I’m like the black sheep of the Fairy Palace, and they hate me for it. They’re always teasing me in the halls and throwing crumpled up pieces of paper at me during magic lessons. I wish Mom and Dad had left me with the trolls and goblins—at least I wouldn’t get into trouble for putting a bully into a headlock there.
It’s been really hard making a friend here, hence why I’ve started journaling. There’s one girl who’s a little older than me who I guess is okay. Everyone really likes her a lot around here; they say she’ll be running the joint when she gets older. She really likes me for some reason and has been looking out for me. I don’t know her name, but she stands up for me every time she sees someone picking on me.
She was the only person who remembered it was my birthday today. She made me a cake, but then lectured me about how much of it I was eating.
“Careful,” she said. “You’ll make yourself sick.”
“Don’t mother me,” I said. “We’re practically the same age.”
“I don’t mean to mother you, but someone has to look out for you,” she said. “Consider me your godmother while you live with the fairies.”
“You want to be my fairy godmother?” I asked.
“Fairy godmother?” she said and scrunched up her nose. “That sounds silly.”
It was the only time I had seen her dislike something, so naturally I had to tease her about it. “Too late, that’s what I’ll be calling you from this moment on!”
The “fairy godmother” just laughed. “Whatever it takes to be your friend,” she said.
I’ve never been used to kindness. It’s always given me a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like mermaid stew.
“Why are you so nice to me?” I asked. “All the other fairies can’t stand me, so why are you trying to be my friend?”
“I can’t explain why, but I’
ve always loved taking care of people. It’s sort of a hobby,” she said. “What do you do for fun?”
“I like playing cards and picking the locks of liquor cabinets,” I said. “So I don’t think I’m the kind of girl you want to be friends with.”
“Are you kidding? That’s exactly the kind of friend I want!” she said. “You’re different, and different is good! The more different you have in your life, the more exciting it is! People around here don’t understand that. I’m so bored of all these perfect and colorful fairies flying around—they’re no fun! I’d give anything to do something thrilling and spontaneous!”
“I know what you mean,” I said. “I’ve been thinking about sneaking away from the Fairy Palace and capturing a dragon! Want to come with me? It could be the thrilling and spontaneous thing you’re looking for.”
Her eyes lit up like it was the best idea she had ever heard. “Let’s go!”
I never did catch her real name, but I think this “fairy godmother” girl might be the closest thing I have to a friend. Maybe my birthday wasn’t such a bad day after all.
100 AD (AFTER DRAGONS)
Dear Diary,
It’s been one hundred years since the dragons went extinct, and I’m starting to miss those scaly suckers. Don’t get me wrong: Things were terrible while they were in existence. Everything was burnt to a crisp! The air was always filled with smoke! Peasants were constantly running for their lives—even when they didn’t need to be! The dragons made them so paranoid, they ran in circles around their villages all day, just in case one attacked it. No one knew how to relax with those overgrown reptiles flying around.
