by Joyce Alec
Mary stepped back and took Hazel’s hands in her own, a serious expression on her face. “Come on in. We need to talk. Not out here where everyone can see you.”
Glancing around her and relieved to see that there was no one else there, Hazel followed Mary inside, not even raising a smile when she shooed Frank away to make tea.
“Now, you sit down there and tell me everything,” Mary said, leading her into the kitchen at the back of the shop. “From the look on your face, I’d say you’ve had something of a shock.”
Haltingly, Hazel began to explain all that had happened, aware of the slow-growing horror written on Mary’s face.
“I don’t understand why he’s doing this,” she finished, hardly able to keep her tears back. “I thought to come here and speak to you—to speak to someone who knows my husband better than I do. I can’ t go back home, not now. Not when…” her voice trailed off, her eyes drifting away from Mary’s gaze.
“Not when you love him,” Mary said quietly. “Hazel, I’d be wrong to pretend I ain’t been hoping for this for a while now, but I never thought that boy would do anything so stupid as to run away from his feelings!”
“What happened to him?” Hazel asked, trying to get her breath. “I don’t understand.”
Mary shook her head, her eyes dark with grief. “I shouldn’t be the one to tell you, Hazel. It’s his story to tell.”
Hazel felt her heart shatter a little more. “But he won’t speak to me, he won’t open himself up at all,” she replied, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’ve tried to talk to him, and we’ve had a lot of conversations, but I still don’t know anything about what’s going on in his heart. I thought that if I was the one to begin, if I was the one to show him what it was like to be vulnerable, then he might be more willing to do the same.”
Mary gave her a sad smile and patted her hand. “That man’s been vulnerable before, and it cut him hard. He’s had that hard demeanor ever since. That’s what I meant when I told you he wasn’t the pleasantest man around these parts, because he’s always got that stern face on him. He’d never smile when he came in the store, and over time, he began to visit the town less and less. I reckon he was trying to manage that ranch on his own before admitting he needed someone like you. It got to him, you being there. He doesn’t know what to do with that.”
Hazel sighed, her heart sinking lower. “Then I can never get through to him. There’s no future for us.”
“Don’t give up hope,” Mary said softly, reaching across the table to take Hazel’s hand. “I’m sure when you came here, you had plenty of intentions about what your relationship with your husband would be like, and have any of those stuck?”
Shaking her head, Hazel let the truth Mary spoke sink into her soul. She’d come here expecting not to care for her husband, expecting it to just be a firm friendship that would carry on through the years. She’d never thought to feel any kind of affection for him and certainly not love. And now here she was, feeling as though he’d torn her heart from her chest and ripped it apart in front of her, leaving her bleeding and alone.
“Stephen is struggling because his marriage hasn’t been what he expected,” Mary continued, her gaze firm. “You need to know why that is, but I can’t be the one to tell you. The only way the two of you are going to be able to move forward together is if he’s the one to open his heart to you.”
Hazel’s shoulders slumped. “But I don’t even know where he is. I could stay at the ranch for days, and he could stay out in the pastures, making sure to avoid me. How am I to speak to him if he won’t even come near me?”
Mary paused for a moment, her eyes roving around the small kitchen as she thought. “You’re going to have to be stubborn, my dear. Don’t give in to his excuses; don’t do what he’s asking, even if his words hurt. There’s pain underneath, a deep, cutting pain that I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand. He’s never spoken a word about it to anyone, not since the day it all came to light.” She sighed heavily and shook her head, grimacing. “I know I’m frustrating you even further by not going into detail, but I can’t. What I will say is that it’s maybe a good idea for you to go to the church and speak to the pastor there. Ask to see his register of births, deaths, and marriages. That should give you a starting point. Maybe once you know that, Stephen will be more willing to speak to you.”
Hope burst through Hazel’s heart as she practically threw herself from the table, enveloping Mary in a hug. Her pain and distress did not go away, but at least now she had somewhere to start. Something she could use to get Stephen to open up to her.
“Thank you, Mary,” she whispered, dropping a kiss on her cheek before she hurried away.
16
The church was quiet when Hazel entered, with no one inside. She paused for a moment on the threshold, recalling the day she’d first stepped inside here. The day she’d been married to Stephen Grant.
“Hazel, how good to see you.” The pastor came in behind her, an apologetic look on his face. “I’m sorry I’m just getting here—” He came to a sudden stop, frowning heavily. “Whatever’s the matter?”
“I need to see your register of births, deaths, and marriages,” Hazel said, trying to sound firm and decisive despite the fact that her voice trembled. “Please, I need to see it now.”
The pastor shook his head slowly, taking her elbow and guiding her to sit down. “I’m not sure I can do that, Hazel, not without knowing what the problem is.”
“Please,” Hazel whispered, wondering if her agony would ever cease. “Stephen is making arrangements to send me away, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened to him before, but Mary said to come here and ask you for the register.”
The pastor shook his head, a rather grave expression on his face. “I can assure you that unless there has been unfaithfulness of some kind, I will not be making any arrangements to void this marriage, Hazel.” His sharp eyes pierced her, and she flushed, shaking her head.
“There has been none of that, I promise,” she replied, keeping her gaze as steady as she could. “Was he married before? Is that why he won’t let himself love me?”
There was nothing but silence for a few minutes. The pastor pressed his lips together, looking rather frustrated, but said nothing. Hazel waited in both impatience and agony, desperate to know whether or not he would let her see the register.
“I do not have to get the register out, Hazel,” he said eventually. “I know all too well the story of your husband’s first marriage.”
Hazel pressed one hand to her heart, a single tear tracking down her cheek. “So he was married?”
“Yes, he was,” the pastor replied quietly. “To a Miss Jessie Miller. It is not for me to go into details but—”
The door suddenly opened behind them. Wiping her eyes free of tears, Hazel turned to see Stephen standing framed in the doorway, his eyes wide with horror.
“Ah, Stephen,” the pastor said warmly, as though he had been expecting him. “Your wife is here. I think you had best talk.”
Stephen held on to the door, slowly beginning to back away. “No, I don’t think I can.”
“You are going to stay here and talk to your wife,” the pastor replied firmly. “I insist on it. Don’t try and back away now, Stephen. I will not give you what you are looking for, for it would be a sin in the eyes of God.”
Stephen shook his head, his eyes fixed on the pastor. “I must let her go. This has all been a mistake.”
“It would be a mistake if you turned from her now,” the pastor replied softly. “Find your courage. What is kept in your heart should have been shared with your wife long ago.”
“Please, Stephen,” Hazel said, getting to her feet. “I don’t understand any of this. I need to know why you are trying to send me away.”
For a long moment, she thought Stephen was about to turn and run away from her, but at the pastor’s cajoling, he finally came into the church. Just as he did so, the pastor slipped
away, leaving them both alone.
Hazel’s vision blurred as Stephen came to sit down across from her. He held his hat in his hands, twisting it back and forth as he looked everywhere but at her face. Lines of pain and confusion were on his face.
Her own heart burned with pain, twisting in much the same way as his hat. She felt as though he held her own heart there in his hands, pulling and stretching it in as many different ways as he could, until she could take no more.
The silence grew deafening. He did not say a single word to her, and she could find nothing to say to him. He had to be the one who spoke first. He had to find the willingness to tell her everything.
“Her name was Miss Jessie Miller.” His voice was hoarse, cracking with emotion. “I married her four years ago this summer.”
“Did you love her?” Hazel asked, her stomach clenching.
Finally, his eyes met hers, but only for a second.
“Yes, I did. Deeply. We had known each other for so long that it was as if we were soulmates. She knew everything about me, and I thought I knew everything about her.” He shook his head, his gaze dropping to the floor. “There were the four of us at that time: myself, my best friend Joseph, his girl Clara, and my girl, Jessie.”
Hazel swallowed hard, seeing his heart slowly begin to open in front of her. It was as if the words were being dragged from his lips, each one burning and painful.
“I wanted to marry Jessie for a long time, but it took her a while to come around to the idea,” he continued, a distant look in his eyes. “Maybe that should have served as a warning to me, but I couldn’t think of that at the time. I just thought she was enjoying the freedom that came with being young and that she wanted to enjoy that for a little longer. My parents, who were alive at the time, thought she was just perfect for me. We talked about marriage for a long time, thinking about the kind of family we’d want to have, where we’d want to settle.” Stephen looked up at her, his jaw set. “So, one day, we set the date.”
“So you’ve been in this church before,” Hazel whispered, understanding now why he’d been so hesitant when they’d first come to the altar. “You’ve given your vows before.”
He nodded, the hat dropping from his hands as he clenched his hands together. “I sure did. To have and to hold, all of it. And I meant every word. My heart was true, my intentions steadfast. I swore before God that I’d be faithful all the days of my life, and she did the same.” He gave a half smile, the regret written plainly on his features. “Her eyes were so clear, her voice so pure. There was no doubt in my mind that we’d be happily married for the rest of our lives.”
Unable to stand the pain on his face, Hazel reached out and took one of his hands, running her thumb gently over the back of his hand. “I know something terrible happened. I can see it on your face.”
He closed his eyes tightly, as though trying to push away the pain he felt. “I ain’t never spoken to anyone about what happened.”
“You can tell me,” Hazel promised, praying that he would speak to her. “I’m your wife, Stephen. I want to know. I want to understand you.”
For a moment, she thought he would tug his hand away and leave the church, telling her that he couldn’t do it. He didn’t. He took a long, shaky breath and started to speak.
“Around the time we got married, my best friend Joseph called things off with his girl—or she called it off with him. I was never quite sure. Anyway, that meant he spent a lot of time with us. Since we didn’t have a place of our own yet, we were living with my parents. It seemed a real nice setup, and everyone got along just fine. What I didn’t know was that Joseph was pouring out his troubles to Jessie, and she was taking it all in, listening to him and trying her best to care for him.” Grunting, he shook his head. “It’s not as though she wasn’t willing though. I should have seen it sooner, but I was oblivious to the whole thing. After all, Joseph was my best friend and Jessie was my wife, the one who loved me with her whole heart.” Looking up at Hazel, he held her gaze steadily. “Or so I thought.”
“Oh, Stephen,” Hazel breathed, her heart rending for him. “They didn’t.”
“I don’t’ know where they are now,” he replied hoarsely, dropping his head. “I found them one day when I came home unexpectedly. I was so shocked with what I’d seen that I spent the night out on the plains, riding into the darkness in an effort to control my pain.” He swallowed hard, no longer able to look at her. “When I came back to town, they were both gone.”
Hazel did not know what to say, aware that his pain was still raw. He’d been hiding it, carrying it alone for so long that it had never had a chance to heal. There had been no one for him to turn to, no one for him to share his grief with.
“My parents died of a feverish illness only a few months later,” he muttered, dashing a hand across his eyes. “It took me a long time to get myself back together. That was when I decided to buy the ranch and start over.”
Hazel pressed his hand. “And the pastor granted you a divorce?”
He nodded. “That was the only letter I ever got from her. An address of where to send the papers. The day I got them back, I spent an hour or more just looking at them, realizing how much of my world had come to a swift end. I didn’t know how to begin again, how to get rid of the pain in my heart. And so, I bottled it all up and kept it inside. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this, and I vowed I never would.” He lifted his eyes to hers, regret filling them. “I guess I’ve broken that vow.”
“But I won’t break mine,” Hazel replied, placing her other hand on top of his. “Stephen, why did you try to push me away after what we shared last night?”
He sighed and dropped his head, slowly pulling his hand away from hers. “Love is too risky. I can't let myself go through that again.”
The loss of his hand in hers brought such a stab of pain, Hazel was forced to catch her breath for a moment.
“You deserve better than this hollow shell,” Stephen finished, getting to his feet. “I really think this is for the best.”
In a moment, Hazel was in front of him, blocking his path to the door of the church. “I think I can decide for myself what’s best for me, Stephen Grant,” she said firmly, putting one hand on his chest. “And when have you ever known me just to do what you want, when you want?”
He shook his head, no smile on his face. “I can’t do this, Hazel.”
“Why not? Because you’re afraid that I’ll do the same as Jessie did? That I’ll find someone better and run away with them?”
The look in his eyes told her that was exactly the case.
“That’s why you wanted a marriage without love or affection,” Hazel said aloud, reaching her hand up to touch his face gently. “Believe me, I thought I wanted that too, but look how that’s changed.”
“I should never have kissed you last night,” he said, turning a little way from her so that she was forced to drop her hand. “That was a mistake.”
Hazel shook her head and smiled, realizing that she now understood her husband better than she had ever before. “You kissed me because you felt something for me, didn’t you?”
She caught his hands when he didn’t answer, looking intently into his face.
“Don’t be afraid to tell me the truth, Stephen,” she said softly. “I need to know how you feel.”
He closed his eyes and nodded, as though ashamed of what he felt. “I’ve started to be happy again,” he said, as though confessing some terrible sin. “The way you’ve spoken to me, pushed me into things I’d never normally do, that was horrible for a while. But, slowly, I’ve come to appreciate that.”
She pressed his hand. “You’ve still never come paddling in the creek with me.”
He let out a bark of laughter despite himself, running a hand over his eyes. “I know.”
“When I first came here, I was determined never to love another man again,” Hazel said, stepping closer to him. “I had closed up my heart, glad that I was entering into a marriage t
hat wouldn’t ask for any of my emotions. I didn’t want to trust you, I wanted to only rely on myself. I pushed back when you tried to take away my freedom, refusing to do anything you asked so as to prove to you that I wasn’t the timid, quiet little wife you wanted. After what Christopher did, I was determined not to be pushed around.”
“And you sure proved that,” he murmured, finally turning back towards her.
“Slowly, I began to trust you,” Hazel continued softly. “I realized that you were nothing like Christopher, that I could trust you never to force yourself—or your demands on me in the way he did. And so, because I began to trust you, my heart slowly began to heal. When you kissed me last night, it was because your heart is beginning to heal from the pain it has suffered, beginning to be open to trusting again, to loving again. And instead of accepting it, you ran from it. You ran from me.”
There was a moment of silence, a moment where he looked into her eyes and his expression softened.
“I know that I love you, Stephen,” Hazel whispered, putting one hand flat on his chest. “You’re right that it always comes with a risk, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I believed you when you said you’ll never hit me, never force yourself on me. I know you—not as much as I’d like to—but enough to know that you’re a man of your word. Your kindness in giving me Daisy, your willingness to begin to do things outside of the way you’d rather do things, they all show me the man of integrity you are.” She pressed her hand to his cheek, her eyes bright with tears. “How could I not love you?”
Stephen looked at her steadily, taking in all that she had said. Then, with a groan, he closed his eyes and leaned into her hand, his shoulders slumping.
“I’m too ashamed to tell you that I’m afraid,” he said eventually, his eyes still firmly closed. “I’m afraid to let you in my heart. I’ve been fighting it for weeks, but the very thing I don’t want has refused to leave me. Instead, it has grown into something huge, something I’m afraid to acknowledge.”
