by M. Robinson
Was dead.
And I was to blame.
FOUR
NOAH
My left foot shifted from first to second to third then fourth gear, blazing through the woods at high speeds. All I could hear were the voices in my head and the faint sound of a train’s horn in the distance. I revved the throttle of my dirt bike harder, finally shifting into fifth gear and maxing out at a hundred miles-per-hour. I pulled back the accelerator as far as it would go and raced onto old McMullen train tracks near the clubhouse, with an endless stream of torturous memories clouding my mind and attacking my body. Driving me to go faster and faster and faster.
My vision zeroed in on the task at hand, desperately trying to escape what had become my life. It had been over a year since Luke died. Over a year since Creed accidentally shot him. Over a year since my whole world came crashing down, burying me like my brother’s rotting body under the dirt. If I thought things were bad before, I was dead wrong. Everything changed for the worse, in a way I never imagined it could. I started racing my memories of what followed the night Luke died, speeding quicker on the train tracks to outrun them. Knowing it was no use, my guilt wouldn’t let me, and a huge part of me…
Would never allow it to.
“Momma, Momma, Momma, can you hear me?” I asked, kneeling right in front of her. She was still covered in Luke’s blood, but I didn’t care, I grabbed her hands anyway. Needing to feel her warmth.
Her safety.
Her love.
“Momma, please…”
She blankly stared out in front of her with her eyes wide open, but she was nowhere to be found. She couldn’t see me.
Feel me.
Love me.
Nothing.
“Momma, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about Luke. You have to believe me,” I pleaded, looking up at her with tears in my eyes and my heart in my throat.
I had to tell someone.
I needed someone to understand.
I wanted her to understand, to tell me everything was going to be alright. To lie to me.
I just needed her to lie to me.
“I’m so sorry. Please believe me. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said to him. Please… please tell me you believe me. You believe me, right, Momma? I didn’t want him to die. He shoulda never left the room. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Momma…”
Not one look.
Not one word.
Not one lie.
Nothing.
She was as gone as Luke was. His blood now on both our hands.
I gripped the handle bars on my dirt bike as hard as I could, feeling as though I was still holding onto her hands. Knowing I would forever be holding her bloody hands, begging her to forgive me.
Pleading with her to lie to me.
To make it all go away.
To please just make it all go away.
I not only lost Luke that night, I lost my momma too, and I had no one to blame but myself. It was no one’s fault but my own.
I. Did. This.
I frantically shook away my thoughts, trying to outrun them too.
Wanting…
Needing…
Anything…
Something…
The front tire on my dirt bike steered side to side, navigating the rough and narrow tracks. My bike flew through the air on more than one occasion as I drove up and down each bump on the terrain. I could feel the motor vibrating deep within my bones as I continued to push the engine beyond the max. Never letting up, persistent and adamant on riding at dangerous speeds.
Every time I closed my eyes, every time I blinked, every time a second passed by, all I could see was Luke’s lifeless eyes staring back at me. Never once forgetting that haunting night when my brother was put to ground.
Not on my twelfth birthday that followed a few weeks after.
Not when I was awake or asleep.
Not even on my thirteenth birthday that just came and went a few days ago.
Not then… not now… not ever…
Every morning, noon, and night the images would play out like an old broken record for as long as I was breathing. Always overpowering my mind.
Controlling my actions.
Directing my thoughts.
I remembered every step I took into those woods, following far enough behind my father, Creed, and some of the brothers, unseen. Witnessing Diesel, Stone, and Phoenix carry Luke’s black body bag deep into the forest, behind the clubhouse, before dawn. I remember the thick, suffocating fog in the night’s air, the way the wind blew a cold breeze through the trees exactly how it was doing at the moment. I remember the sounds the wildlife made all around me as if they were the horn on the train in front of me right now.
Blaring.
Blasting.
Sounding off.
Most of all, I remember what followed once they stopped walking…
And started digging.
“You did this. He’s dead because of you, boy. Now, I’m not going to make my brothers pay for your sins. You dig that grave and lay your brother to rest in it. I want you to remember he’s six feet under because of you,” Pops ordered, tearing the shovel out of Stone’s grasp. Throwing it in Creed’s face, daring him to defy him.
Woooooooooo! Wooooooooooo! The train whistled.
The horn booming again, pulling me away from my never-ending memories. The flickering headlight in the distance, warning me to get off the tracks, but I didn’t heed the warning.
Instead, I decided to play fight or die, really push my boundaries like I had been doing since Luke died.
Waiting.
Always waiting for that moment I’d die too.
I instantly down-shifted into second gear, purposely slowing down. My body surged forward, using my knees to squeeze the gas tank as my right hand applied light pressure on the front brake. The back wheel lifted off the ground, my knees pulling the bike upward into a nose dive. I gradually eased off the brake, gaining some speed, wanting to see how long I could ride out the reverse wheelie without falling on my face.
Never once breaking away from the memories.
They never went away, I couldn’t get them to leave my soul even if I tried. So after thirty seconds, I set the wheel back down, fucking pissed, and gunned the throttle once again, causing my tires to skid across the rocks as I reached top speed. Swerving from one side to the next, practically dumping my bike to the ground, almost dragging my knees with it. I didn't let up, jumping the tracks a few times to catch air, causing the suspension to protest when I landed.
The bike telling me no.
My mind telling me yes.
Go, go, go…
Quicker, faster, firmer.
Go, go, go…
The motor revved up and down with every jump and bump I hit, and all it did was toss me right back to that night.
Creed forcefully drove the shovel into the dirt, digging our brother’s grave while our old man watched. Acting like it was just another person they were putting to ground in these woods that already housed more bodies than I cared to count. He didn’t even show any signs of remorse, like it wasn’t his own flesh and blood. His son. The life he put into this Hell that he called our home.
I never hated him more than I did at that moment.
I never hated Creed until that moment.
I never hated myself as much as I did in that moment.
“That’s enough,” Pops ordered. “Get your ass out of that hole and come get your brother. You’re goin’ to carry him into the ground by your damn self, and then you’re goin’ to bury him by your fuckin’ self too.”
“Prez, we can—”
“You can shut your fuckin’ mouth! That’s what you can do!” Pops interrupted Phoenix, looking from Creed to him and back to Creed. “I’m not going to tell you again, Creed! Get your brother and lay his fuckin’ ass to rest!” He roughly grabbed Creed by the front of his shirt and lifted him out of the grave, shoving him over by Luke’s body.
The
train whistled louder, two long, one short, followed by one long bellow, bringing me back to the present.
Woooooooooo! Wooooooooooo!
Warning me, letting me know it was getting closer and closer. The RPM’s on my bike were going crazy, higher and higher, making the bike shake from the daring game I was playing. Another horn sounded even closer this time, blaring through the morning sky.
Woooooooooo! Wooooooooooo!
Red lights flashed, and smoke suddenly filled the air as the train came barreling down the tracks. Getting louder and louder every second it approached. The polluted air made it hard to breathe, hard to see, and it felt like I was suffocating again in the exact same way I was that night.
Dragging me unwillingly right back to Hell.
Creed cradled the black bag that held Luke’s body to his chest and whispered something I couldn’t make out.
I didn’t get a chance to apologize.
I didn’t get a chance to make things right between us.
I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
“Let go of him, Creed! And get your ass out of that hole!” Pops demanded.
“Please… let me say goodbye. Just fuckin’ allow me that…” Creed bellowed, and I wished for the same thing.
Begging.
Praying.
Hoping.
“I don’t give a fuck what you’re pleadin’ for! The only thing you deserve is to be lyin’ in the ground instead of him. Now get your ass up here so you can bury him!” Pops replied with disgust in his voice.
“Jesus Christ! Just let me—”
“Fuckin’ Hell!” Pops jumped into the hole and pried Luke out of his arms, and just threw him to the dirt.
The sound of his body thumped to the ground, echoing through the woods and right in my heart where I would forever hear that sound. I saw Creed lean forward to do something, but the second he took a step, Pops punched him. Instantly gripping onto the front of his shirt, getting right in his face.
“Prez, come on, that’s enough,” Stone coaxed.
“Yeah, Prez, leave him alone. He’s been through enough,” Diesel added.
“You listen and you listen good, boy,” Pops roared, ignoring the other brothers pleas. “I don’t give two shits about you, or what you’re feeling. You’re lucky I’m savin’ your sorry ass from servin’ a life sentence in prison for murder, you ungrateful dick. When I tell you to do somethin’, you fuckin’ do it. Do you understand me? I won’t hesitate to remind you of your fuckin’ place in my clubhouse.”
Woooooooooo! Wooooooooooo!
The train sounded more and more, closer and closer, warning me repeatedly to get off the tracks. I didn’t pay it any mind, I wasn’t done.
I was far from done.
I down-shifted again and leaned back to pop a small wheelie, and as soon as the front tire hit the gravel I took off faster toward the oncoming train. Exhaust smoke bellowed out of the tail pipe as I pushed the limit, red lining the engine.
But nothing was going to stop me.
Not the tires smoking as I hit fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty miles per hour.
Not the brakes on the train squealing, protesting against the tracks. The conductor trying like hell to stop the massive steel from taking an innocent life.
Not the flashing red lights blinking all around.
Nothing.
Not one damn thing.
All I did was stare straight into the train’s headlight right in front of me. The train that was coming right for me and still…
All I could see was Creed burying our brother.
It didn’t matter that the blare of the train’s horn roared through the trees, all I could hear was the sound of the shovel burying our brother over and over again.
Woooooooooo! Wooooooooooo!
The train’s brakes pumped harder, clinking against the tracks as it barreled toward me. I desperately tried to tune out the chaos of that night, replaying in my mind with no end in sight.
Woooooooooo! Wooooooooooo!
Woooo!
Wooooooooooooooooooo!
I shut my eyes just for a second and all I could see was blood, so much fucking blood, with Luke’s lifeless eyes staring back at me.
Repeating, “You know, you’re right, we ain’t brothers because my brother woulda never said that to me.”
All I could think about was this couldn’t be happening, this couldn’t be happening again. Silently praying it was all a nightmare playing out, and I would soon wake up from it. For over a year, I’d been existing in a living nightmare.
When a horn began blaring through the air again and again, I finally opened my eyes and saw that it was right fucking there, just a few feet in front of me.
And that was the moment…
I finally smiled.
Finally feeling what I craved.
What I strived for.
What I always desired, more so now than ever before.
A new high.
I felt the thrill of the rush running through my veins. Replacing all the hurt and the pain, all the memories of what I could never change.
The life and the future I couldn’t control.
Suddenly, I felt my heart jump to life, making me feel for just a second, I hadn’t died with Luke.
That I was…
Truly alive.
And it was all it took for me to abruptly jerk the wheel to the side, right as the train was about to hit me head on. Propelling my bike off the tracks, hurling my body through the air.
I flew through the wind, savoring that moment. Feeling free from everything that weighed heavy on my mind, my body, my soul.
“Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya all the days and nights of tomorrow!”
I felt her.
I finally felt her.
But it didn’t last, it never did.
It wasn’t until I roughly landed on the ground that everything…
went…
Black.
FIVE
NOAH
“The sun’ll come out tomorrow, bet all those dollars that tomorrow. There’ll be sun shining bright and happiness. Just thinkin’ about tomorrow,” I heard her singing as if she was right above me. I’d never forget that voice for as long as I lived.
I’d never forget her.
For over a year I searched for her, going back to the river like I planned that next day. I never once saw her again. The only place I heard her sing and saw her face was in my mind, in my memories. She was the only good thought in my life, the only good memory that constantly battled the bad.
“Just thinkin’ about tomorrow. Clears away the sadness, the rain, and the emptiness. ‘Till it’s not there.”
“Hmm…” I weakly groaned, trying to wake up. Needing to wake up.
Wanting to see her again even if it was only a dream, it would still be the best damn dream I’d ever had.
“So just hang on ‘til tomorrow and work through the pain,” she sang, and it was just as memorable, just as powerful. Feeling her through the words was everything I remembered it to be. Her voice vibrated deep in my chest, deep in my body, deep in my bones. There wasn’t a chance in hell she wasn’t there with me. She couldn’t be a figment of my imagination or an illusion of my lonely mind like I was used to.
She had to be there with me.
It was too real.
She was too real.
“Hmm…” I faintly groaned again, slowly shaking my head. Willing my eyes to open, cursing them for not complying.
“Shhh… I’m almost done. You’ll be good as new, I promise,” she spoke to me for the first time, and it was the sweetest sound I ever heard.
I think the sensation returned to my body because I felt something cold on my forehead, before I felt her hands dabbing what seemed like water on my face.
“Hmm… sing…” I softly muttered what I had been wanting to say for so long. Instantly hearing her lightly gasp as if she was just as surprised to hear my voice as I was hers.
Talking to h
er.
Asking for what I’d been dreaming about for over a year.
Her body tensed beneath me, suddenly making me realize my head was in her lap. Her hands froze, not moving an inch, and I swear I could hear her heart beating as fast as mine.
She smelled like blueberries and bubble gum, and I knew it would become my new favorite scent.
“Please… sing…” I breathed out again. My mouth felt so dry, but I didn’t care.
All I wanted was to hear her sing for me.
Even if it was just this once.
To sing only for me.
She took a deep, steady breath and did exactly that. Belting out, “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya all of the days and nights of tomorrow! You’re almost there! And only a day, away!”
I also knew right then and there she was sunshine and happiness. She was a blessing, my blessing. One that I finally found again, except this time…
She’d found me.
Sluggishly, I shook my head a few more times and my eyelids started to flutter open. Only to be met with a pair of crystal blue eyes staring right back into mine. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her dark, thick eyelashes flickered every time she blinked, emphasizing the black ring lining her cat shaped eyes. Her long, wavy, sandy brown hair framed her expression, caging in her round face with high, accentuated cheekbones. She had a petite button nose, and a small dimple in her chin. But it was her big, pouty lips, that were almost too big for her face, that had me wanting to kiss her.
I never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I did in that moment.
These feelings were all so new to me, and yet I never wanted to let them go.
They would now be part of me, exactly how I needed her to be.
She swallowed hard, taking me in as well. Call it wishful thinking, but for some reason I just knew she felt the same way about me.
She was meant to come into my life.
I was meant to come into hers.
We were destined to meet each other. For what, I still didn’t know.
Though it didn’t matter, I immediately learned nothing did when I was with her. When we were together, I didn’t think about Luke, about my family, about my mother. Especially not about that night. All I could see, all I could hear, all I could think about…
