by Ember Pierce
* * *
“Thanks,” Kristian said.
* * *
He felt pretty good as he stepped out of the livery into the surprisingly cool summer night. The seasons were getting ready to change in a matter of weeks, and he wondered how much time there was until the first snow.
* * *
In the past few years, if Kristian remembered correctly, the first snow had come at the end of September or the beginning of October.
* * *
That meant he probably wouldn’t be able to start the build on their new house until next year. He didn’t like that.
* * *
Frowning, he paused beside the closed general store. He sank down onto the steps, trying not to let himself fall into despondency.
* * *
When he felt the darkness creeping in on him, Kristian knew he had to fight back. When he didn’t, he ended up drinking and gambling, and where had that gotten him?
* * *
In terrible debt to Graves O’hara, that was where.
* * *
Scrubbing a hand over his face, Kristian tried to reason out how he could pay Graves back at the same time as he started building their new home. That was one way.
* * *
It was the long way. A long, 12-hour and maybe 14-hour day, a day where he would be separated from Bonny. And that was not the way to build a marriage.
* * *
He hesitated taking the second way. He had run it over in his mind, time after time. But he hadn’t told anyone his plan.
* * *
His family and friends would all object, and they would have very good reasons to do so. But it did look easier. And the solution wouldn’t take as long.
* * *
And he might have to kill. He didn’t want to, but when you dealt with guns, there was always that chance.
* * *
He had soured on killing years ago, and that was only killing rabbits. And at that time, they’d needed them for food.
* * *
It had been a hard winter that year, and food was not in abundance. He and John had to take their rifles and do some hunting.
* * *
They had brought back rabbits, squirrels, deers, anything else that would put meat on the table. It was the coldest winter they had experienced in Wyoming.
* * *
But it was that tough jackrabbit that he remembered most of all. He’d taken three bullets before he had gone down in a hail of blood and lead.
* * *
Kristian was sorry about the shooting, but his family had to eat. It was the law of the wild—kill or be killed. It was bloody, but quick.
* * *
He had fired once and hit the rabbit, and John had fired twice. After that, it lay still. He knew the lesson that was taught that day. Every man and woman in the West knew it.
* * *
Survival. Survival of the fittest. The jackrabbit went quickly, probably in seconds. Both brothers fired at the same time and both shots hit the jackrabbit at the same time.
* * *
He was dead in a second. But incidents like the one in the cold winter taught you guns were not to be played with.
* * *
And you did feel a sense of sadness and respect for the animals you hunted. But there were things you had to do.
* * *
Even if the worst happened, he could show Bonny that even though he had been in trouble, even though he had been keeping things from her, in good faith, he was trying to make things right.
* * *
A light rain began to fall and Kristian stood, stepping back into the overhang of the general store. He decided to wait until the rain passed before he headed home.
* * *
While he waited, he observed the chaos that reigned on the main street of town after dark. Cowboys from the local ranches came riding into town, ready to spend their weekly pay on drinking, gambling, and women.
* * *
That had been him, not so long ago.
* * *
John had always despised the saloon and the attitudes of the men who frequented the place. Thinking of it now, Kristian was ashamed to have been so far from a man that his older brother would have been proud of.
* * *
The rain began to fall harder. Kristian wished that he had been faster finishing up tonight. He would certainly have beaten the bad weather, and could have been cozy beside the fire at that very moment.
* * *
It would be cleaner to take the second route. He might not have to shoot anyone. He gave a wry grin and laughed one sour note.
* * *
He was being rather optimistic in his thinking, he thought. Very optimistic.
* * *
In a battle with a jackrabbit, he and John had had the advantage. The jackrabbit was not going to shoot back.
* * *
His opposition would, and his opposition would shoot first if he had a chance. Kristian would give his opponent a chance to throw down his gun.
* * *
If he threw down his gun, no one would get hurt. No one would get hurt and everyone would get paid.
* * *
And he wouldn’t have to work 12- and 14-hour days to pay off debts.
* * *
How much did he owe? Three hundred dollars was a lot of money. What was the average wage of a ranch hand or cowpoke in the territory? Forty dollars a month?
* * *
So, if you worked at that wage without eating, or paying room and board, or buying any clothes to protect against the cold winters of Wyoming, you could pay off a three hundred dollars debt in eight months.
* * *
And that was assuming that when Graves calculated his total debt, it would be just three hundred and not five hundred or even more.
* * *
How would Bonny react if she heard about his plans? He didn’t think she would approve. It was a sour, guttural laugh he gave this time.
* * *
Perhaps this was the time to find out how much Bonny trusted him. She might want nothing to do with his suggestion, even though it might get them out of debt.
* * *
Would she have a strong moral objection to it? It wasn’t illegal; a lot of men did it. Of course, drinking wasn’t illegal, either, and that didn’t stop Bonny from objecting to that.
* * *
But they had to get out of debt. Rather he had to. Bonny wasn’t in debt to anyone. It was his foolishness that had gotten them into trouble.
* * *
He was hoping he could do it without her knowing, but now he wondered if that was realistic. Even with the explanation he could concoct, Bonny might—and probably would—sense something was wrong.
* * *
And if he lied to her about this, even with the best of motives… well, he could see the marriage going down the drain.
* * *
He was brooding over these thoughts when a friendly voice called his name.
* * *
A moment later, Otto was shaking rain off his head as he ducked under the overhang with Kristian. The two men shook hands.
* * *
“What are you doing in town tonight?” Otto asked.
* * *
Kristian thought there might have been a hint of suspicion in his friend’s voice, but he told himself that he was just being paranoid.
* * *
“Had a shift at the livery,” he said. “Now I’m just waiting out the rain.”
* * *
Otto nodded. “I’m heading home from a patient’s house. Old man Jenkins thought he was dying, but turns out he ate some raw turtle.”
* * *
Kristian made a face. His mother occasionally made turtle stew, but to eat the meat raw? That turned his stomach. “Well, good that he pulled through.”
* * *
The two men stood in silence for a while, watching the rain fall. Despite the storm, the saloon was busy as usual.
/> * * *
Eventually, Otto cleared his throat. “You look awfully down tonight.”
* * *
With a sigh, Kristian crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against one of the porch beams.
* * *
“Honestly? I’m just feeling terrible that I’m keeping Bonny in the dark about everything.”
* * *
Otto raised an eyebrow at him. “You do know that there is another option, right?”
* * *
“What?” Kristian asked.
* * *
His mind was so fuzzy that he was having trouble following what Otto was saying. The darkness and depression seemed to be pressing in on him from all sides.
* * *
“You could just tell Bonny the whole truth,” Otto said.
* * *
Kristian looked out at the rain. The wind had picked up, with thunder rumbling in the distance. He knew he was stuck here for the foreseeable future so he should at least talk to Otto.
* * *
“I can’t. I have to protect her from the mess I’ve made of my life. And I definitely can’t tell her when I’m finally making some progress.”
* * *
Sitting down on the step closest to the front door of the general store, Otto took out his pipe, struck a match, and regarded Kristian for a long moment.
* * *
“Don’t you think she deserves to know?”
* * *
“Well, yes,” Kristian said. “And I plan on telling her as soon as I have my debt paid off.”
* * *
“What happens if you miss the deadline and Graves makes good on his threat?”
* * *
Kristian found that he really hated how his friend always spoke the truth.
* * *
“I don’t want her to know what kind of man I was before she came here. I was a drunk and that’s exactly the kind of man she detests.”
* * *
“It sounds like you really care about the way Bonny thinks of you,” Otto said, puffing on his pipe.
* * *
“I do,” Kristian admitted. “I really like her. I want her to respect me, and maybe even have her come to love me one day.
* * *
“She’ll never do that if she knows who I used to be. She just can’t find out!”
* * *
He realized how much his voice had risen, and he glanced up and down the street. The weather seemed to be clearing up a bit. There hadn’t been any thunder for several minutes.
* * *
He looked over at Otto. “She might leave if she found out who I used to be,” Kristian said in a quiet voice.
* * *
He couldn’t stand the thought, but he also didn’t know how to express it to Otto, let alone to Bonny. What else was there to say?
* * *
Otto nodded as if he understood exactly what that meant. “You run the same risk by not telling her the truth now. How do you think she’ll feel when she finds out?”
* * *
Kristian found that he had to look away so that he didn’t spill out everything that he was feeling. He hated talking about his emotions—it made him feel so vulnerable.
* * *
Yet, he found he trusted Otto and he thought he might want to talk. But not now.
* * *
“I hear what you are saying,” Kristian said. “I just have to keep my secret for now. One day, when this is all over, I’ll tell Bonny about it.”
* * *
He paused, considering what he wanted to say next. “Once I know that she won’t leave, I’ll tell her about my past.
* * *
“I just need our marriage to be on more solid ground. Right now, we’re still getting to know each other. I feel like everything is still so… perilous.”
* * *
“Well, my friend, you know that I wish you well,” Otto said as he stood and stretched.
* * *
“I am going to go home and make myself some delicious food. Or, at least, I can dream.”
* * *
Kristian bid his friend farewell and watched the other man hurry off into the light rain. If he left now, he’d still be soaked to the skin by the time he got home.
* * *
There was no harm in continuing to wait out the storm. Surely, Bonny would understand.
* * *
Casually, Kristian glanced up and down the street. The saloon looked awfully welcoming. He wondered if he could hurry across the street and wait out the storm there.
* * *
Not that he would drink… he could just say hi to some of his old friends.
* * *
Shaking his head to clear such a destructive thought from his mind, Kristian sighed and decided that he should just head home. It wasn’t raining that hard anymore, and he wouldn’t get that wet.
* * *
Besides, it would be great to get home and sit by the fire while Bonny fussed over him. He smiled to himself as he stepped out into the street.
* * *
He was nearly past the saloon when he heard someone calling his name. Turning around, he saw Jock once again.
* * *
From the way his old friend was weaving down the street toward him, he could tell that the other man was already inebriated. There was a time, not so long ago, that Kristian would have been right there with him.
* * *
“Hey, buddy,” Jock called. “Do you have time for a drink tonight?”
* * *
Kristian sighed. “Jock, I told you before, I’m not doing that anymore. I have to get home to my wife.”
* * *
Jock rolled his eyes, and Kristian couldn’t tell if his friend was actually annoyed or if it was just the alcohol.
* * *
“Come on, man, just one drink. That’s not going to ruin your life, is it?”
* * *
Kristian could feel his resolve wavering. “Just one drink?” he asked. His mouth was already watering at the thought of the sharp burn of liquor running down his throat.
* * *
He knew he needed to walk away from Jock, turn his back on the saloon, but the temptation was so strong. Bonny would never need to know.
* * *
She’d probably be asleep by the time he got home. And he was an expert at hiding the smell of alcohol on him. Bonny would never find out.
* * *
“Just one drink,” Jock repeated. “One drink won’t hurt you.”
* * *
With a sharp bark of laughter, Kristian said, “You already said that, my friend.”
* * *
Jock turned back toward the saloon, clearly expecting Kristian to follow him. One drink wouldn’t hurt, and it didn’t mean that he was sliding back into his old life, right?
20
O’hara stepped out from a building to accost Kristian on the street while he was on the way to his evening shift. The man’s sharp eyes looked mean and greedy.
* * *
He had known of O’hara’s reputation, but he’d always looked to Kristian like a rather friendly man. Now, O’hara looked like an ugly man—and something of a bully.
* * *
“I still haven’t gotten money, Kristian, and I want it. I’m going to start charging you interest on your debt,”
* * *
Kristian gritted his teeth. At one time, he’d thought man was a friend. Now he knew O’hara was an enemy.
* * *
