by W. W. Jacobs
that silly woman was trying to walk arm-in-arm.
Twice I knocked her 'and away, and then, right afore my wife and theparty next door, she put her arm round my waist. By the time I got tothe 'ouse my legs was trembling so I could hardly stand, and when I gotinto the passage I 'ad to lean up against the wall for a bit.
RIGHT AFORE MY WIFE AND THE PARTY NEXT DOOR SHE PUT HERARM ROUND MY WAIST.]
"Keep 'er out," I ses.
"Wot do you want?" ses my missus, trembling with passion. "Wot do youthink you're doing?"
"I want my 'usband, Bill," ses the woman.
My missus put her 'and to her throat and came in without a word, and thewoman follered 'er. If I hadn't kept my presence o' mind and shut thedoor two or three more would 'ave come in too.
I went into the kitchen about ten minutes arterwards to see 'ow they wasgetting on. Besides which they was both calling for me.
"Now then!" ses my missus, who was leaning up against the dresser with'er arms folded, "wot 'ave you got to say for yourself walking in as boldas brass with this hussy?"
"Bill!" ses the woman, "did you hear wot she called me?"
She spoke to me like that afore my wife, and in two minutes they was atit, hammer and tongs.
Fust of all they spoke about each other, and then my missus startedspeaking about me. She's got a better memory than most people, becauseshe can remember things that never 'appened, and every time I coughed sheturned on me like a tiger.
"And as for you," she ses, turning to the woman, "if you did marry 'imyou should ha' made sure that he 'adn't got a wife already."
"He married me fust," ses the woman.
"When?" ses my wife. "Wot was the date?"
"Wot was the date you married 'im?" ses the other one.
They stood looking at each other like a couple o' game-cocks, and I couldsee as plain as a pike-staff 'ow frightened both of 'em was o' losing me.
"Look here!" I ses at last, to my missus, "talk sense. 'Ow could I bemarried to 'er? When I was at sea I was at sea, and when I was ashore Iwas with you."
"Did you use to go down to the ship to see 'im off?" ses the woman.
"No," ses my wife. "I'd something better to do."
"Neither did I," ses the woman. "P'raps that's where we both made amistake."
"You get out of my 'ouse!" ses my missus, very sudden. "Go on, afore Iput you out."
"Not without my Bill," ses the woman. "If you lay a finger on me I'llscream the house down."
"You brought her 'ere," ses my wife, turning to me, "now you can take 'eraway?"
"I didn't bring 'er," I ses. "She follered me."
"Well, she can foller you agin," she ses. "Go on!" she ses, tremblingall over. "Git out afore I start on you."
I was in such a temper that I daren't trust myself to stop. I just gave'er one look, and then I drew myself up and went out. 'Alf the fools inour street was standing in front of the 'ouse, 'umming like bees, but Itook no notice. I held my 'ead up and walked through them with thatwoman trailing arter me.
I was in such a state of mind that I went on like a man in a dream. Ifit had ha' been a dream I should ha' pushed 'er under an omnibus, but youcan't do things like that in real life.
"Penny for your thoughts, Bill," she ses. I didn't answer her.
"Why don't you speak to me?" she ses.
"You don't know wot you're asking for," I ses.
I was hungry and sleepy, and 'ow I was going to get through the day Icouldn't think. I went into a pub and 'ad a couple o' pints o' stout anda crust o' bread and cheese for brekfuss. I don't know wot she 'ad, butwhen the barman tried to take for it out o' my money, I surprised 'im.
We walked about till I was ready to drop. Then we got to Victoria Park,and I 'ad no sooner got on to the grass than I laid down and wentstraight off to sleep. It was two o'clock when I woke, and, arter acouple o' pork-pies and a pint or two, I sat on a seat in the Parksmoking, while she kep' dabbing 'er eyes agin and asking me to come 'ome.
At five o'clock I got up to go back to the wharf, and, taking no noticeof 'er, I walked into the street and jumped on a 'bus that was passing.She jumped too, and, arter the conductor had 'elped 'er up off of 'erknees and taken her arms away from his waist, I'm blest if he didn't turnon me and ask me why I 'adn't left her at 'ome.
We got to the wharf just afore six. The John Henry 'ad gorn, but theskipper 'ad done all the 'arm he could afore he sailed, and, if I 'adn'tkept my temper, I should ha' murdered arf a dozen of 'em.
The woman wanted to come on to the wharf, but I 'ad a word or two withone o' the fore-men, who owed me arf-a-dollar, and he made that allright.
"We all 'ave our faults, Bill," he ses as 'e went out, "and I suppose shewas better looking once upon a time?"
I didn't answer 'im. I shut the wicket arter 'im, quick, and turned thekey, and then I went on with my work. For a long time everything was asquiet as the grave, and then there came just one little pull at the bell.Five minutes arterwards there was another.
I thought it was that woman, but I 'ad to make sure. When it came thethird time I crept up to the gate.
"Halloa!" I ses. "Who is it?"
"Me, darling," ses a voice I reckernized as the potman's. "Your missuswants to come in and sit down."
I could 'ear several people talking, and it seemed to me there was quitea crowd out there, and by and by that bell was going like mad. Thenpeople started kicking the gate, and shouting, but I took no noticeuntil, presently, it left off all of a sudden, and I 'eard a loud voiceasking what it was all about. I suppose there was about fifty of 'em alltelling it at once, and then there was the sound of a fist on the gate.
"Who is it?" I ses.
"Police," ses the voice.
I opened the wicket then and looked out. A couple o' policemen wasstanding by the gate and arf the riff-raff of Wapping behind 'em.
"Wot's all this about?" ses one o' the policemen.
I shook my 'ead. "Ask me another," I ses. "Your missus is causing adisturbance," he ses.
"She's not my missus," I ses; "she's a complete stranger to me."
"And causing a crowd to collect and refusing to go away," ses the otherpoliceman.
"That's your business," I ses. "It's nothing to do with me."
They talked to each other for a moment, and then they spoke to the woman.I didn't 'ear wot she said, but I saw her shake her 'ead, and a'mostdireckly arterwards she was marching away between the two policemen withthe crowd follering and advising 'er where to kick 'em.
I was a bit worried at fust--not about her--and then I began to thinkthat p'raps it was the best thing that could have 'appened.
I went 'ome in the morning with a load lifted off my mind; but I 'adn'tbeen in the 'ouse two seconds afore my missus started to put it on agin.Fust of all she asked me 'ow I dared to come into the 'ouse, and then shewanted to know wot I meant by leaving her at 'ome and going out for theday with another woman.
"You told me to," I ses.
"Oh, yes," she ses, trembling with temper. "You always do wot I tellyou, don't you? Al-ways 'ave, especially when it's anything you like."
She fetched a bucket o' water and scrubbed the kitchen while I was havingmy brekfuss, but I kept my eye on 'er, and, the moment she 'ad finished,I did the perlite and emptied the bucket for 'er, to prevent mistakes.
I read about the case in the Sunday paper, and I'm thankful to say myname wasn't in it. All the magistrate done was to make 'er promise thatshe wouldn't do it again, and then he let 'er go. I should ha' felt morecomfortable if he 'ad given 'er five years, but, as it turned out, itdidn't matter. Her 'usband happened to read it, and, whether 'e wastired of living alone, or whether he was excited by 'caring that she 'adgot a little general shop, 'e went back to her.
The fust I knew about it was they came round to the wharf to see me. He'ad been a fine-looking chap in 'is day, and even then 'e was enough likeme for me to see 'ow she 'ad made the mistake; and all the time she wastelling me '
ow it 'appened, he was looking me up and down and
