Heroes of Last Resort (The Other Guys Book 1)

by JK Galioto

  The goblin sent an attack at Jack’s groin yet again, which made Jack briefly ponder the karmic implications of his previous targeting of his enemies’ crotches, but battle and philosophy were poor bedfellows and there was little time to continue that line of thought. He was, however, able to dance backward so that it just brushed his leather pants. Using his dagger to send the goblin’s shortsword out wide, Jack darted in and thrust his shortsword into the goblin’s throat for a killing blow.

  Once Gooch saw Jack attacking the two goblins on his left, he immediately turned to face the other two, still focusing on his defense. The goblin on Gooch’s left alternated attacking low and high, trying to draw Gooch’s attention to it and away from its partner. It was mostly working, because Gooch just wasn’t skilled or fast enough to do more than block, using the shield on his left arm to block the attacks from the leftmost goblin and the longsword to parry attacks from the goblin on his right. He had more success with his shield, blocking most of the attacks, while he missed the timing on some of his longsword parries, and the goblin blade would pass through, sometimes clinking off his armor, sometimes penetrating the flesh underneath.

  With a growl, Gooch ignored a spear attack and instead gave the goblin on his left a shove with his shield, sending the small creature sprawling backward. Sticking his weapon into the ground, he began casting Burning Hands, using his shield to block the shortsword attacks from the other goblin. Because of his Perfectionist perk, it took him four seconds to cast, and the goblin he pushed to the ground managed to get up and attack him again, scoring a deep cut on his thigh just as the spell completed. Gooch thrust his weaponless hand out at the two goblins, and fire erupted from between his thumb and pinky, engulfing them in a coat of flame. While the damage wasn’t enough to kill them outright, they dropped and began rolling on the ground to extinguish the flames.

  Gooch ended the goblins’ pain by slamming his large foot down on the back of one with enough force that Jack felt the ground vibrate through the creature’s demolished rib cage. Gooch grabbed his weapon from where it still stuck in the ground and plunged it into the other goblin’s throat with a satisfying squishy sound, ending its pained screaming. By the time he was done, Jack had finished off the remaining goblin. While Gooch had cuts all over his body and was down to under a third of his health, Jack looked relatively unscathed.

  “Oh, I get it now!” Gooch exclaimed. “This is why you didn’t want to be the tank. It hurts like hell!”

  “Nah, Gooch. You’re just good at it! And besides,” Jack added in his best orc voice, “meat’s back on the menu, boys!” Immediately after, he grimaced while staring at the bodies. “Ugh, just kidding; this actually smells worse than the time Grandpa had me muck out the stalls after Betsy gave birth.”

  “Let’s get away from this mess and you can use some of that healing moss on me,” Gooch snapped, clearly annoyed that Jack hadn’t taken a single hit. The pain must have started getting stronger as his adrenaline wore off.

  “Yeah, we should leave before other patrols come. This probably means they know I killed the goblins in the caverns. It will make our trek into the deeper parts of the cave system that much harder if they are on alert, but nothing for it.” At least this time I’m not doing it alone. Jack gave Gooch’s shoulder a squeeze.

  Chapter 23

  They quickly looted the corpses, taking anything of value. This mostly included low-quality weapons and a few copper pieces from a moldy bag on one of the goblins. They wasted no time walking toward the cave and stopping at the now-familiar edge of the woods that bordered the entrance, then rested a moment while Jack applied the healing moss to Gooch’s more serious wounds. After a few minutes, his health was nearly full again, but they had only three applications of the healing moss left. Jack took a healing potion out of his backpack and gave it to Gooch, who would probably need it before him.

  They reviewed their notifications once it was clear that there were no more goblins nearby. Jack had gained one point in stealth, small blades, light armor, parry, perception and hiking. He also learned a new skill, one that he thought would be especially useful.

  You have learned the dodge skill. This is a passive skill that will allow you to dodge an attack, depending on your skill and level and the skill and level of the attack you are dodging.

  “I dinged both level two and three!” Gooch said excitedly. “I also received skill gains in large blades, block, heavy armor, parry, and hiking.”

  “Cool. Where did you put your attribute and skill points?” Jack whispered, still peering at the cave entrance.

  “As if! No way I am deciding that without a thorough review of all my options. Talk to me in a few days!” That was the Gooch Jack knew and loved. “That being said, I did choose a perk called ‘Last Stand.’ It was just too good to pass up, given the first battle. Once per day, if I am reduced to zero hit points, I am reduced to one hit point instead. Seems like a useful talent for a fighter.” He paused for a moment and frowned. “Although, I am sure it will hurt like a son of a gun.”

  “Speaking of damage,” Jack said, pulling out a standard-quality dagger, four poor-quality daggers, and a short spear from his backpack. “You should take these; they might give you a chance to try out that weapon throwing skill.” With a little maneuvering, Gooch put his belt through the sheaths of two of the daggers, storing the rest in his backpack. He kept the spear in hand, leaving his longsword sheathed at his waist.

  They discussed strategy and finally decided to let Jack scout ahead, with Gooch following fifty feet or so behind him. He didn’t possess Jack’s knack for stealth, and to Jack’s sensitive ears it felt like Gooch was purposely trying to make noise. “On second thought, maybe stay back seventy-five feet. You make more noise than a flatulent bull in a china shop!”

  Moving through the trees to the wall of the cliff and toward the cavern entrance, Jack began the slow and silent movements required by his stealth skill, clinging carefully to the shadows made by the irregular cliff face and the pale light from the crescent moons above. Cautiously peering around the corner, he saw the glow of a small fire deeper in the cave and heard goblin voices bickering back and forth. He listened for a minute and began making out words due to his new Linguistics perk. While he wouldn’t call himself perfectly fluent, he understood enough to get the gist of what they were saying, like how he felt about his four years of German from high school. Sprechen sie Deutsche? was about all he could remember. He received a notification, which he opened.

  You have learned the language: Undercommon. Now you can speak with the murder hobos of Fleet Street and other dubious characters.

  Was that sarcasm from Alexa? That felt like something the Dungeon Master would say.

  “I said it’s my turn to sleep near the fire,” the shorter of the two goblins, who Jack mentally dubbed Ernie, complained, trying to get comfortable on the ground.

  “No, you slept next to it last night. It’s my turn!” the larger one—now obviously named Bert in Jack’s head—bellowed, pulling out his dagger.

  Ernie turned to regard his comrade. “You gonna stab me over a spot next to the fire, you dumb beabstu-thwack” Jack didn’t understand the last word, but he got the gist. Ernie grumbled loudly and moved farther away from the fire, looking out from the cave toward Jack’s position. Jack closed his eyes so they wouldn’t reflect in the firelight and slowly moved his head back toward the wall.

  He and Gooch hadn’t worked on hand signals, so he kept it simple. He waved to the big man and held his hand up with his index and pointer finger outstretched to signal two while pointing at the cave and motioning for Gooch to move closer. The warrior nodded and moved out from the woods, trying to walk as quietly as possible, which sounded a little like Robocop moving down a quiet Detroit street. When Gooch was about thirty feet from the entrance, the goblins, now bickering about who would get pick of the best rat to eat, suddenly became still. Listening intently as Gooch continued forward, they quietly crept into one o
f the many pockets of shadow along the cave wall created by the small fire and the distant moonlight.

  Gooch finally made it to the cave, entering slowly, knowing he walked into an ambush. Jack saw Gooch try to turtle up as much as he could, making himself smaller and holding his shield up for protection. He entered the cave a few feet behind his friend, clinging to the shadows and hoping the goblins would be so focused on Gooch that they would miss him. After Gooch walked another ten feet or so deeper into the cave, Ernie appeared from a shadow on his right and performed a quick slash with his shortsword, striking Gooch along his right hip. Between Gooch’s defense of six from his armor and the defense of two from his hardened skin, it didn’t appear to Jack that the shortsword did much in the way of damage. Gooch whipped around and used his shield to shove the goblin hard to the ground, then thrust his spear through the goblin’s shoulder. The spear’s point punctured the goblin and sent the little green beastie most of the way back to Sesame Street.

  Bert used his totally platonic friend Ernie’s attack as the distraction he needed and leapt out of a small crevice in the wall, double daggers aimed at Gooch’s back. He was taken completely unaware as Jack rushed forward from a nearby shadow and thrust his shortsword into the charging goblin. Its tip pierced the creature at an upward angle, penetrating his chest and neck and instantly killing the creature. Gooch likewise finished off the other goblin, using his oversized foot to stomp the poor creature into the ground.

  Chapter 24

  “We could have interrogated Ernie; he could have told us who actually killed Mr. Hooper,” Jack said as he began looting the corpses, uncovering another few coppers and more poor-quality weapons.

  “You know, Jack,” Gooch said, ignoring the odd statement, “I should feel bad about ending the life of a living, breathing creature. I’ve never killed anything before that wasn’t larger than a cockroach. But I am not sad, upset, or feel even the slightest bit of remorse. I am simply happy I killed them before they could kill me, and happy that I could protect you from their attacks. Does that make me a monster? Who’s to say these goblins aren’t trying to fight back against the invaders just like we are? What’s wrong with me? Also, who is Ernie?”

  Jack looked at his friend, deciding to pretend he didn’t hear the question about Ernie, and took a moment to examine his own feelings. He hunted every year with his grandpa, from deer to pheasants and anything in between. Growing up in a small town in Wisconsin gave you an appreciation for the necessity of killing. If they didn’t thin out the deer population each year through hunting, there would be an increase in crop damage, damage to forest growth, and the deer would eventually thin themselves out through disease and starvation. In addition, Grandpa always used as much of the deer as possible to feed his family. Jack had never cried or felt sorrow when hunting animals. But he wasn’t hunting animals, was he? He was ending the lives of sentient, humanoid creatures. What gave Jack the right to be judge, jury, and executioner? He was not Judge Dredd; his north star philosophy of live and let live was telling him this was wrong, but he would kill a thousand creatures if it meant saving his planet, his loved ones, and his friends from destruction. Is this how evil starts? He remembered one of his grandpa’s favorite sayings: the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. He thought he finally understood.

  Putting his game face back on, he decided that what Gooch needed right now was not a reflection of his own doubts mirrored in his friend, but reinforcement that he was doing what was necessary.

  “We are doing what needs to be done. Neither of us asked for this responsibility, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to do everything in our power to save our family and friends. You aren’t killing goblins because you’re a bad guy, Gooch. You are killing goblins because you have a niece and nephew at home that are depending on you. You are killing goblins because we are all that stand in the way of the destruction of an entire planet. And you are killing goblins because each time you kill a goblin you could be saving a life: mine. We aren’t good guys. We aren’t bad guys. We are . . . something else. We are the guys you send in when the best and brightest didn’t work and you’re out of options.”

  Gooch nodded. “I am glad to see we agree over the fate of these foul beasts. I can’t really fault the logic in your argument. But of course, anything can be rationalized if you do enough mental gymnastics; no one ever thinks they are the evil ones.”

  Jack gulped, realizing how closely Gooch’s doubt’s echoed his own. He received a notification and quickly opened it.

  You have learned the persuasion skill. You gain a +17 bonus to this skill based on prior experience. You have attained beginner rank in the persuasion skill and may choose one of the following perks:

  Persuasive Talker 1: Your skill ranks in persuasion provide a permanent +5 synergy bonus to diplomacy and intimidate checks.

  Persuasive Performer 1: Your skill ranks in persuasion provide a permanent +5 synergy bonus to performance checks.

  Deceitful 1: Your skill ranks in persuasion provide a permanent +5 synergy bonus to bluff checks.

  Jack saw the potential usefulness of all the perks, even though he didn’t have diplomacy or intimidate yet. He was counting on his diplomacy skill to help him get allies in the coming war with the invaders. But when he thought about it, he realized there was only one choice. He quickly chose Persuasive Performer, giving him a plus five synergy bonus to his performance checks, and pictured the day when he would be wowing large crowds with his musical ability. He decided not to tell Gooch about that; he wasn’t sure the big man would agree with his choice. Strike that, he was one hundred percent sure the big man wouldn’t agree with his choice. He did receive a notification, letting him know he had attained Master rank in Performance. Dismissing Improvised Instrument 2 and Improved Performance 3, he reviewed the remaining options.

  Calm or Incite Emotions 2: With a successful performance check, you may calm or incite the emotions of nearby creatures, moving the relationship rank either closer to friendly or to hostile, depending on your intent. This perk can be chosen multiple times, significantly increasing the chance of achieving your desired outcome. Prerequisite: Two ranks in Improve Performance, Calm or Incite Emotions 1.

  Sonic Dissonance: You can attempt to use your Performance skill to disrupt the spells of enemy spellcasters, using your musical talent to interfere with their incantations. Spells must have verbal components for this to work. Pre-requisite: Master rank in Performance.

  Jack chose Sonic Dissonance. Although he hadn’t run into any spellcasters yet, he was sure it was only a matter of time.

  Gooch moved to the fire, stowing the spear in his backpack in favor of a large branch to use as a torch. Jack brought him to the back door of the cave and told him to search for a secret door, hoping to tease out the perception skill. After a few minutes of Gooch prodding, pulling, and poking every stone on the back wall and Jack giving some hints, he eventually found it.

  “Practice does pay off, Allen Iverson! I now have the perception skill, although no background bonuses. Oh well, let’s keep this party bus moving,” Gooch said, taking a step into the dark, narrow tunnel.

  Chapter 25

  “Why don’t you let me go first and scout a bit? With that torch, you’re a beacon to every monster in here. Maybe hang back and guard against more patrols? Just yell if you see something.” With that, Jack proceeded silently down the tunnel, keeping a close eye out for traps. Fool me once and all of that. It would be extremely awkward and dangerous if he repeated his earlier mistake, and he knew it. He planned to never be caught unaware by another trap again. That, of course, was when he walked through another trap, tripping a thin wire and feeling a crossbow bolt strike the meaty part of his calf. Crap on a cracker! He watched a timer appear in his vision, alerting him that he had been hit with a paralyzing poison and would be stunned for thirty seconds.

  After waiting out the stun effect and eating some healing moss, he entered the large room where he’d met Dobb
y and found it empty. He went back and brought Gooch to the room, where he transferred his torch to another large branch that he found next to the room’s cookfire. Asking him to remain behind again, Jack took the right passage and moved toward the large statue-containing cavern.

  His keen hearing picked up the faint sound of rushing water from the small underground stream that occupied the left part of the enormous space. As he crept into the large room, light emanating off the strange glowing moss and sparkling off the stalactites, he heard other noises, and his spidey sense began tingling. The last time that happened, he’d had to fight the basilisk.

  He stealthily made his way to the statue of Dobby, using the little goblin as cover. Peeking around it, he noticed a large creature sitting near the river’s edge. It was probably ten feet tall, with golden eyes and a large beak on top of a green-shelled body. Its large body ended in wicked-looking talons for feet. Instead of hands, it had long, sharp, hook-shaped appendages. It sang to itself in a deep baritone as it gazed into the river, sitting next to a large pile of discarded crab shells. Jack listened closely and realized the language was also Undercommon, although a slightly different dialect from the earlier goblins. Leaning in closer, he listened to the unusual lyrics.