by E. C. Land
Nerd and I didn’t go, like he wanted, to get furniture the same day I finally met Tinsley and Cody, instead we went the next. This gave me the entire day to get reacquainted with my brother and his family.
While out we’d gone to two different places to pick out a couch set that we both liked. I always liked the sections that came with ottomans and Nerd wanted something that he could stretch out on and as he put it when I was ready to be able to lay with him while watching a movie. This caused lots of butterflies to flutter in my stomach at this remark.
He’s been more than patient with me and even went with me to group sessions that he’d found for me. Nerd also was able to, with the help of a couple of the ol’ ladies of the club, convince me into seeing a professional. This was someone Rachel had gone to see, and she trusted him. Stoney, however, he didn’t seem to be too fond of the guy. They’d gotten into an argument that led to Rachel storming out with him on her heels. I was in awe when he scooped her up and threw her over his shoulder.
Knowing it was a man, I wanted Nerd to go with me and that is what he did. Sat next to me lending me his strength as I spoke with Dr. Lanston, not once making me feel inferior about what I went through. I’m sure him sitting with me as I talked about my experience, it did something to him, since each night after my sessions he would disappear and I wouldn’t see him for hours. When I did, he was always sweaty and went straight to the shower.
So far, I’d had four sessions, two per week. After the first two, I didn’t really think about this, then the last session and the one I’d had today, I had. Where is he going? What is he doing? Questions keep running through my head, constantly going negative. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about but I still can’t help but let doubt sink in.
Although it’s hard, I feel like I’ve come a long way in overcoming the sickening feelings of dirt covering me. I have Nerd to thank for that
We still hadn’t done anything but sleep next to each other. Not even a simple press of our lips together. It has to be difficult for him. He’s a man and men have needs. The thought of Nerd possibly going out and finding someone to give him the release he needs kills something in me because I know I can’t. I like to think so, only I don’t know how to approach Nerd about what I want.
With my Kindle in hand, I curl up in the corner of the couch and pull up one of my Reapers MC books by Elizabeth Knox. Cleo had gotten me hooked on reading her stuff and I love it. It takes my mind off of everything going on in my life. That and I love the men she writes about.
Lost in the world of all things Zane, I wasn’t paying attention to anything else. So, when the front door slams shut, I nearly jump out of my skin as I drop my Kindle. Eyes wide, I turn toward the entranceway to find Nerd standing there, yet again sweat coating his body.
“Nick?” I call out as he starts to head for the stairs rather than acknowledge me.
“Going to take a shower,” he growls.
“Are you okay?” I ask as I get to my feet.
“Not now, Cara. Need a shower then to get some sleep,” he says without turning around to face me.
“Um, okay.” I whisper, staying where I am and looking down at the floor.
Deciding to give him space, I sit back down and curl into the corner again but I don’t pick my Kindle back up. Instead, I stare out into nothing as I try to figure out what’s going on with Nerd.
Any other day he’s sweet and nice to me. Even the days of my sessions, but afterward it’s as if he’s a complete stranger. One that doesn’t want anything to do with me. Like I’m tainting him by what I talk about in regard to my trauma.
My eyes grow heavier the longer I sit there and when I drift off it’s not the monsters that haunt me, it’s images of Nerd with other women. Women giving him something I don’t know how to. A mask of pleasure takes over his face as he touches them.
I’m jerked awake when I feel myself being lifted in the air.
“What? Nick, what are you doing?” I ask as I regain my bearings.
“Putting you to bed,” Nerd grumbles.
“I can walk,” I protest, placing my hands on his chest to push against him.
“Know you can, but it’s quicker if I just put you there.” Something about the way he states this sends a chill throughout my body.
“Nick,” I murmur.
“Shut it, Cara,” he mutters in return and I clamp my mouth shut.
He’s definitely in a mood.
Laying me on the bed, Nerd walks around to the other side and climbs in, sitting with his back to the headboard. I don’t move the entire time he does this. Only merely follow him with my eyes apprehensively.
When Nerd reaches for the remote and turns the TV on, I roll to my side facing away from him.
My mind shifts all over the place as tears spill down my cheeks. I knew I wasn’t good enough and now Nerd knows it. It’s why he distances himself from me after every session I have. He’s realizing that I’m a lost cause and not worth his time.
Closing my eyes, I silently cry myself back to sleep knowing come morning things with Nerd will end. Even if it tears me open to do it. He deserves so much more than me. A woman with experience rather than a nineteen-year-old who will be twenty in six months.
Sometime or another, I wake to arms wrapping around me and the filled with silence. Nerd must have decided he was done watching TV. I don’t say anything as he does this wanting to savor the last bit of time I have with him.
“Love you, babygirl.” He murmurs into my hair and I let out a shutter breath.
Minutes pass but it feels like hours when Nerd rolls me to face him. “Look at me, Cara,” he commands, the tone in his voice holding no room for argument. Opening my eyes, I lift my head, but I don’t look at him head on but rather over his shoulder. “Babygirl, eyes on me.”
Sucking in another breath, I hold it as I meet Nerd’s gaze.
“Why are you crying?” he asks softly. His eyes softened from the hard look he’d had before, he looks into mine.
Pulling my bottom lip in I bite it nervously as I shake my head.
“Can’t fix what’s going on if you don’t talk to me, Cara,” he murmurs gently.
You can’t fix what’s broke, I want to scream but I don’t. I already know it’s over between us and I’ll live knowing I wasn’t able to make him happy by giving him what he needs.
Sighing, Nerd lifts a hand to cup the side of my face. “Talk to me,” he demands.
“I’m too damaged to be enough for you,” I whisper, casting my eyes to his chest.
“Come again?” Nerd mutters, his body growing taut.
Closing my eyes, I repeat my words to him in the same whisper. “I’m too damaged to be enough for you.”
“Where do you come by that bullshit?” he asks, frustration vibrating off of him.
“Um.” How do I tell him this without causing him to become angry?
“Spit it out, Cara,” he mutters.
“You leave me,” I blurt.
Nerd jerks back some like I’d slapped him, “What?”
“You leave me,” I stammer nervously.
“I don’t understand what you mean by that. I leave you?”
“You do. After my sessions with Dr. Lanston. You leave for hours and come back sweaty and go straight to the shower without speaking to me. Then you go to bed. I know I’m not good enough for you and you have needs. I . . .”
“Stop right there,” Nerd snaps.
“Nick.”
“No. Don’t even say it.” I knew me bringing this up would upset him. “You think I’m cheating on you?” Nerd demands.
“I, um,” I murmur, but Nerd puts a finger over my mouth stopping me.
“You know what, don’t answer that. I’m not cheating on you. I’d never do that shit to you and it pisses me off to know you think I would do something like that to you, Cara,” he snarls, pulling away from me and standing at the side of the bed, hands on his hips.
“Then why do you leave me? Whe
n any of the other times, like with group, you’re always there.” I whisper while sitting up and pulling my knees into my chest protectively.
“When I leave you for a couple hours it’s to burn off the anger that I feel after sitting in those fucked up sessions of yours and listening to what those motherfuckers did to you. It’s bad enough the video is burned into my brain. I don’t need to hear my woman talk about it but I do it for you because I’m not going to let you fuckin’ go through this bullshit alone.”
Oh God.
I’m selfish. Completely so. I’d forgotten about the videos they made. But then again, I was the one they were raping so it’s not easy to remember everything other than what they were doing to you.
Tears well in my eyes.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to come to anymore with me. I didn’t think. I’m so stupid,” I say, my voice faltering as my anxiety starts to peak once again.
“Cara, it’s not you that has to be sorry and I’m not going to stop going with you. Not until the day you stop seeing that fuckin’ quack. You’re my woman, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep you safe. If it means me leaving you for a couple hours to beat the shit out of the punching bag at the clubhouse or getting in the ring to fuck someone up then so be it. As for calling yourself stupid, I hear it again and I’m going to spank your ass.”
At this announcement, I gasp. He wouldn’t, would he?
“Now, tell me why you thought I would be cheating on you,” Nerd demands, the edge in his tone still there.
“Um, because you’re a guy and have needs. I well, um, see up until everything, the one thing I hadn’t shared at therapy yet was, um . . .”
“Spit it out, babygirl,” he interrupts.
“I was a virgin,” I sputter.
“What?” he asks, baffled by this news.
“I was a virgin,” I repeat.
“Heard that, Cara. So, you’d never had a man inside you and those fuckers took something special from you,” he snarls.
“Um, yes,” I murmur cautiously.
“And you thought because I’m a man and have needs that I couldn’t control them?”
“Uh, I don’t know. I want to think you don’t want anyone else but a part of me isn’t sure. I mean we’ve never kissed not even a peck or what not, so I have no clue what I’m doing. When I should be sure I want to go further and when it comes to you, I’m confused because as much as I want to admit I love you and want you to teach me, I don’t know how to do it.”
The air in the room becomes stifling as I look up to finally meet Nerd’s eyes with my tear filled ones.
Something flickers in his as he moves, “You just did, babygirl.”
Chapter Twelve
Nerd
Fuck if I ever expected this turn of events. My girl, the beautiful woman she is, who has come so far in overcoming the bullshit she went through, doesn’t know how to tell me what she wants.
Earlier tonight while sparring with Shadow and Cane, they’d both brought up something I found interesting. Now knowing the innocence that was taken from her, Cara only knows the violence of sex. Nothing else.
My brothers figured this out before I did and told me if I wanted to help my woman get over her fears and heal with a touch, I can give her. Teach her, show her not all men are violent, when it comes to sexual acts.
I’ve always had a sexual appeal to some of the world Shadow and Cane are connected to but I never went further than simple things. However, like my brothers both expressed, with Cara I’m going to have to feel her out and show her the dominance a man can have over her body without it scaring her let alone hurting.
From the ideas they gave me earlier, I knew once she was ready what I needed to do. I hadn’t; however, expected her to think I was cheating on her.
Men have needs.
Shit, everyone fuckin’ has needs.
My woman has them and simply doesn’t know how to express what she wants.
Inwardly grinning, I can’t help but think about the fun I’m going to have making her all mine in every way. Erase what those fuckheads did to her.
Climbing on the bed, I pull Cara into my arms until her front is pressed against mine and my forehead is touching hers. “Love you, babygirl,” I murmur.
“I love you too, Nick.” She didn’t have to tell me to know how she felt. It shows in the way she acts. In the way she trusts me. Granted she has insecurities like thinking I’d leave her here alone and go find someone to fuck. That shit’s not going to fly with me.
“Gonna kiss you now,” I inform her before pressing my mouth to hers as I wrap my arm around her waist.
I don’t intend to take it any further tonight but knowing how she feels and that she’s ready to take some steps forward, I’m not going to rush her. It’s her choice and I hope like hell that as I show her the way she’ll continue to choose me in helping her learn to enjoy what pleasure I can give.
Slowly, I explore her mouth, swiping my tongue along the seam of her lips, dipping between them as they part on a breathy gasp.
Plundering into hers, I groan at the way she tastes, peppermint. My girl has a thing for peppermint. The tea and candy are her addiction. I may like peppermint but tasting it on her I could grow mutual love for the flavor.
Cara’s tiny hands slide up my chest to the back of my neck and into my hair. Normally I’m not one for allowing a woman to wrap her fingers in the thick strands but they weren’t my girl. My babygirl. Everything about her is different and having her touch me like this means a fuck load to me and I’ll let her do whatever the fuck she wants.
Before our kiss can grow further on the hot and heavy, I pull away pressing my forehead back to hers. “Love the way you kiss,” I rasp.
“Um,” she whispers breathlessly.
“Gonna have to kiss you more often now that I’ve had a taste of that mouth, babygirl,” I state, letting her understand that this wasn’t a one and done time. I know with the way her head works right now I got to get her to understand everything we do from kissing to when I finally take her fully, I will always explain how much she means to me. That she’s not ruined for anyone and she sure as hell ain’t covered in filth.
“I think I would be okay with that.” Fuck me if the little sigh she lets out sends a twitch straight to my dick.
“Good, now it’s late and I need sleep. We’ve got church in the morning and I want you to come with me. Okay?” I did want her to. Over the past three months since she’s been home, she’s come to the clubhouse but hasn’t stepped inside yet. Normally, the ol’ ladies if they wanted to see her or even if some of the brothers swung by the house that’s how she spoke to everyone.
I wanted that to change.
“Uh, I . . .”
“You’ll be okay, babygirl,” I say stopping her from working herself up.
“Okay,” she nods in agreement.
“Yeah, that’s my girl. Now let’s go to bed,” I announce maneuvering us underneath the comforter. The entire time I keep her within my embrace.
“Love you, Nick,” she sighs burrowing her face further into my chest as I tighten my grip around her.
“Love you too, Cara, always.” With those words being said, I close my eyes and let sleep claim me knowing that tomorrow is a new day. One where my woman was ready to take a step closer to the future of us.
Might make me sound like a pussy but fuck if I care.
I got my woman and it feels damn good to be able to say that and not worry about whether or not she was going to break. Because now I know, if I show her the way, guide her through it, my babygirl will shine brighter than the sun itself.
“Get this, got a call from Boss this morning. Last night she and Omen were approached for an alliance by the Dragons Fire MC. According to Boss, she informed them they wouldn’t be getting anything from them and to get the hell away from them. However, Spark made a comment about it would be a shame for something to happen to Destiny.” The tension in the room grows tenfold
when Stoney informs us of this news.
First thing this morning we’d gotten a text that we were having church within the hour rather than at noon. Something was up and it wasn’t good. I was right. It’s not good. Those fuckin’ dumbasses decided to play with the wrong fuckin’ kid.
I’d quickly showered and got Cara up so we could get to the clubhouse. I wasn’t about to give her an out in coming today. Besides I didn’t know how bad the news was going to be.
After hearing this I’m fuckin’ glad I didn’t leave her at home. Don’t care how good my security system is. Nothing is better than me standing in the way of something happenin’ to her.
“Shit,” Tracker mutters, drawing me back to the conversation.
“Yeah, now I got enough stress on my plate as it is. A kid I haven’t met and decisions to follow through with. I’m not about to have Destiny harmed in anyway. Nor am I going to allow my other kids to be hurt. Let alone my ol’ lady. Boss asked me to sign my rights over.” Stoney said.
“You’re not considering it are you?” Blaze asks.
“Honestly, I am. Boss and I, we’re good with an alliance between our clubs. But when it comes to personal shit, we don’t see eye to eye and I’m tired as fuck of my woman feeling hurt over it all,” Stoney grumbles, seeming to be hurting at this decision. “Deal is, Destiny will know I’m her father but that I signed my rights over to protect her. Without me being in her life, she’ll be safe. Especially with the shit coming at us here recently. Got too much to worry about here and not have to think about if my kid with a woman I didn’t even want to knock up is safe.”
“Fuck, Prez. Know this is hard on you. What does Rachel say?” Tracker grunts, leaning back in his chair.
“Nothing she can say, considering I ain’t told her shit about this. Not her choice to make and I’m not about to have another reason to fight with her. It’s bad enough she goes to that Doctor Lanston fucker to talk shit out, instead of working it out with me. Don’t want to give her even more reasons to go to this douche,” Stoney sneers.
Since Rachel found out about Stoney having a kid with another woman, a woman she shares similarities with doesn’t help matters. Then again, after the shit she’s endured in her life, I get why Stoney’s protecting her from this. Her mom was a bitch. Was there the day Stoney confronted her. Also witness to what she’d took from her ex. All she’s ever known were people lying to her. Now, she’s fighting the demons inside her and not letting her ol’ man in to help her.
