by Ruby Scott
Cara couldn’t sleep that night.
The pressure of everything was beginning to weigh Izzy down. Being a
surgical resident was stressful in itself, but not knowing what you wanted to
do with your future? That made it ten times worse. Her future was sneaking
up on her quicker than Izzy wanted to admit, ready to jump out and attack
her at a moment’s notice. She was stressing so much, trying to figure out
exactly what she wanted to do.
Sara had been true to her word, supporting her and helping her in
every way she could. She’d taken time out of her busy schedule to chat
about different options for Izzy, and she made it very clear that her door
was always open. She’d even comforted her on a couple of occasions when
the thought of disappointing her parents felt somewhat overwhelming.
It had given her the strength to talk to her parents about her doubts
about her career path and whilst they were calm, their disappointment was
obvious. It left her with a decision to make. Did she follow what she felt
was right, or did she go with what would make her parents happy?
On top of all of it, there was Cara. Izzy hadn’t realized how much
pressure a relationship would put on her. She thought it would be fun,
thought they would have a good time… but she had hardly slept the night
before because Cara was acting different. She was worried she had done
something wrong.
Cara kept pressuring her to tell her parents about them, but Cara
hadn’t heard the disappointment in their voice when she told them about
potentially switching specialties. She couldn’t imagine the disappointment
she’d have to hear when she told them she was gay. They’d accept her, but
Izzy worried they would always be disappointed with her. She wasn’t sure
she could handle that, no matter how much she loved Cara.
She had already changed out of her scrubs and coat and into the jeans
and shirt that she had worn to work that day. She had them stuffed in her
bag, which she held onto tightly as she walked up the stairs to Sara’s office.
She had a report to hand in for the end of the day and they had arranged to
have a chat about how Izzy was progressing.
Izzy quietly knocked on the door to Sara’s office. Sara didn’t even
look up from her desk when she called, “Come in.” Izzy stepped inside,
taking a seat in one of the leather chairs across from Sara’s desk. A few
seconds later, she finally looked up at her. “Is it that time already?” Sara
asked.
Izzy didn’t speak; she just nodded her head.
Sara scrunched her lips to the side but didn’t say a thing. “How are
you feeling, Izzy?”
How could Izzy look at this woman and tell her that she still wasn’t
sure? How could she tell her that even after all her help, she still didn’t
know what she wanted? In a quiet voice, Izzy said; “I think I’m going to
stay with cardio, if that’s okay.”
“Of course, that’s okay… if that’s what you want. Is that what you
really want to do, Izzy? I want you to be sure before you dedicate the next
twenty years of your life to this.”
Sara’s words made the weight of it all come crashing down on Izzy.
Whatever decision she made now was going to affect her entire future. She
couldn’t keep it inside anymore. She leaned down, putting her face in her
hands, and just started to cry. She had been keeping it in for so long that as
soon as it started to come out; she felt she couldn’t stop.
She felt like an idiot for breaking down in front of her boss. She
couldn’t imagine how emotionally unstable it made her look. She didn’t
hear Sara get up from her desk or walk around to where Izzy sat, the next
thing she knew was Sara was sitting on the arm of the chair she was in and
wrapped an arm around Izzy’s shoulder.
Izzy leaned into her, crying even more. What was she going to do? It
was all so overwhelming; it was a weight that she felt like she couldn’t
carry any longer. Sara’s grip on her tightened, pulling her closer. Receiving
such comfort was what made Izzy fall apart even more. It had all been
building up for so long that it was finally spilling over. She couldn’t handle
anything else on top of this.
Sara was sturdy, holding Izzy firm. She smelt like clean laundry and
fresh cotton. The act of her rubbing her back, quietly whispering things to
comfort the crying woman and her scent are the things that slowly lulled
Izzy into some form of calm. Her tears finally began to come to a stop, the
wave of emotion that had been rocking her finally coming to an end.
She slowly sat up, wiping at her tears with the heel of her hand. Izzy
was sure she looked a mess, ragged hair, and smeared mascara. She was
embarrassed for breaking down like this in front of Sara, who still hadn’t
said a thing about it.
Sara broke the silence between them. “Are you okay?” She asked, her
voice full of something that sounded like concern. “Do you want to talk
about it or do you need me to give you a ride home? You’re in no condition
to drive. We’ll reschedule this chat and give you a chance to step back a
little.”
That was when Izzy remembered that Cara was probably downstairs
waiting for her. She was probably starting to get annoyed with the delay.
She had been so caught up in her crying, in her emotions, that Izzy hadn’t
felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.
She shook her head. “Cara is going to give me a ride home. She’s
probably waiting for me.”
“Alright, but are you okay, Izzy? People don’t usually break down
like that unless something is really bothering them.”
Despite her breakdown, Izzy still had no idea how to put into words
everything that she was feeling. She had no idea how to tell her girlfriend,
let alone a stranger, that everything was piling up inside of her. “It’s just… a
lot.” She said, because that was the best way to cover it. Everything felt like
it was too much. Each new problem added another weight onto her
shoulders. Now, she was worried about her future. Would she ever be
happy?
“I know.” Sara replied, her voice soft. She turned to look at Izzy, still
perched on the arm of the chair. She put her hand on Izzy’s cheek, cupping
it gently in her palm, before using her thumb to wipe at her tears. Izzy
wasn’t sure what she was doing; it just felt natural to lean into her hand.
“You’re going to be okay though.”
“I know.” It was Izzy’s turn to reply. She expected Sara to move away
from her now, to further the distance between the two of them. She didn’t.
What Izzy didn’t expect was for Sara to lean down, closing what
distance remained between them, and pressing her lips to Izzy’s. Sara’s lips
were soft, full and eager to take hers. Confusion flooded over her.
Confusion from the comfort this woman was offering her, but in her head
and her heart she knew this wasn’t right. It didn’t feel right. It wasn’t what
she wanted. But Izzy didn’t know what to do.
What if she pulled away and Sara retaliated? She was sure she didn�
�t
mean to take advantage of her in such a situation. For a second there… Izzy
might have even kissed her back. She didn’t really know.
SIXTEEN
Keeping the secret that her parents didn’t quite like Izzy was killing Cara.
She didn’t know how, or even if she should, approach that topic with Izzy.
What she really wanted was for them to give her another chance, maybe
have dinner in a more relaxed environment where Izzy wouldn’t feel so
uncomfortable. As much as she hated knowing her parents didn’t like her
girlfriend, she still liked Izzy. That wasn’t going to change.
She was sitting outside of City General, staring straight ahead at the
Emergency Department sign. She was supposed to pick Izzy up twenty
minutes ago, but she was still sitting, waiting. Izzy had always texted her
when she was going to be out late, but so far, she had received nothing from
her girlfriend.
She had sent Izzy two messages in the past twenty minutes, feeling
like that was a reasonable amount. Cara knew how the medical field
worked. She knew sometimes you got off late, that those types of things
were out of one’s control. Izzy was just so good at being in touch that it
really felt off.
Cara wasn’t sure what came over her, but she felt the need to go
inside to check in on Izzy. What if something happened? What if she were
stuck in a twelve hour long emergency surgery and couldn’t tell her ? She
got out the car, locked it and shoved the keys into the pocket of her jeans.
She trekked through the parking lot and into the hospital entrance that
led to the emergency department. In a moment of luck, the first that person
Cara saw wearing scrubs was Jack. He looked exhausted, but that gave Cara
the idea that he and Izzy had been stuck in surgery together that day. Izzy
would probably be following close behind him, right?
“Jack!” She called. When he turned to look at her, Cara moved
forward to close the gap between the two of them. “Have you seen Izzy? I
was supposed to pick her up twenty minutes ago.”
Jack looked down at her, the bags underneath his eyes clear. She had
seen the same one’s underneath Izzy’s eyes. The signs of being a surgical
resident. “No.” He said, shaking his head. “I haven’t seen her since lunch. I
think… I think she said something about talking to the chief before she left?
I think she had a review meeting with her.”
Cara hadn’t known that. It probably got lost in translation between
the two of them somewhere. She thought Izzy had a few more days before
her trial run ran out. “Right. Alright.”
“Chief was probably running late and made Izzy wait. You could go
check if you wanted. Chief’s office is on the third floor, past the waiting
room. You can’t miss it, it’s huge.”
She wasn’t sure if she should head up or go back to the car, but she
couldn’t see the harm in heading up to the third floor to see she could find
her.
“Thanks Jack, have a good night.” She headed towards the elevator. She
pushed the button to the third floor and waited for it to take her up.
The entire time, Cara’s heart was pounding. She just had this awful
feeling that something was wrong, and that scared her. She silently willed
the elevator to go just a bit quicker. When it finally ‘dinged’ signaling that
she had reached her destination, Cara rushed out of it. She headed past the
waiting room, stopping when she saw what she assumed was the Chief’s
office in front of her.
It was larger than the other rooms, jutting out from the wall and
making it so the hallway turned in a sharp angle instead of continuing
straight ahead. It was painted white, a stark contrast from the beige coloring
of the rest of the walls.
She turned toward the doorway of the office, finding it wide open.
When Cara turned to look inside, her heart dropped.
She was in that moment where her worst fears had come true; the one
where she realized that the little voice inside of her head was right all along.
Every emotion boiled up inside her. She couldn’t process what she was
seeing.
Izzy was kissing someone. She was kissing the Chief of Surgery. She
didn’t notice any other details, because what she saw was all she needed to
see. All she could see.
“What the fuck?” Her tone angry and incredulous. “You’ve got to be
kidding me.”
White hot rage that made her entire body feel hot, that made her feel
like she wouldn’t be able to control herself. So, she did what she felt was
for the best. She turned and stormed away.
Cara’s voice brought Izzy back to reality. She knew her lips had only
been pressed to Sara’s for seconds, Cara had just walked in at the wrong
moment. But… there was no wrong moment. Izzy didn’t have an excuse.
She had kissed somebody other than Cara, even if she felt like she had had
no other choice. She couldn’t make an excuse for what she had done.
She pulled away from Sara, not saying a word before she stood from
the chair, bag in hand, and rushed after Cara. She had to talk to her. She just
had to hope that she could explain the situation and that Cara would
understand.
When she got out of the office, Cara was nowhere in sight. Izzy knew
she didn’t have a lot of time. She had to speak to Cara before she left. This
would be her only chance. She took the stairs, racing down to the ground
floor. Her heart was pounding in her chest, pounding so hard and loud that
Izzy thought she was going to drop to the ground.
The tears she had thought that she had finished crying were bubbling
back to the surface, threatening to spill over at a moment’s notice. She did
her best to keep them shoved back down, trying to focus on finding Cara
and explaining things. She pushed the door to the stairwell open and ran
through the lobby, out the front door.
SEVENTEEN
In the distance, she saw Cara’s car, so Izzy urged herself to run just a bit
further. The muscles in her legs were stinging; they felt like they would
give out at any moment. “Cara!” She saw Cara’s head turn and look at her;
she watched the silent debate on her face, deciding whether she was going
to just drive off or if she was going to talk to Izzy. She evidently decided on
the latter. She didn’t get into the car, instead she just leaned against the
door.
When Izzy got close, she could clearly see the pain that was etched
on her face. Cara wasn’t crying, but judging from the way her face was
twisted, she was close to it. “What Izzy?” Cara asked. She sounded tired;
she sounded like she was trying to control her rage. “What do you want?”
“Let me explain. I know what it looked like, but it wasn’t exactly
what it looked like.” There was no tangible way to explain it. There was no
way to make herself look better. No matter how she tried to spin it, or how
badly she wanted to tell Cara that she wasn’t that person, there was no
taking back what had happened.
“Izzy,” She sighed, looking up towards the night sky. “Look,
there’s… there’s nothing to explain. I get it, I do. There’s a reason you’re
her favorite, right?” Her last sentence was said with such venom that it was
hard to believe that it was coming from Cara.
The words stung Izzy, but she was trying her best not to let it show.
This was about what she had done to Cara, right? Not about turning this
into an argument. “She kissed me! I… I didn’t know what to do.”
“Right. Because it’s too hard to say ‘I have a girlfriend’ or ‘No. Stop.
I don’t want this’.”
“It’s not… I’m sorry.” There was no point in denying anything. She
had messed it all up. Izzy just wanted to fix it. “It’s just… everything was
too much, and it happened, and I didn’t know what to do. I know I should
have pulled away; I was wrong. I’m so sorry.”
Cara scoffed, still looking everywhere but at Izzy. “You know, I guess
I should have known it would be like this. My parents were right about you,
I just didn’t want to believe it.”
That took Izzy by surprise. Her parents were right about what? This
wasn’t where she wanted to do this, or how she wanted to do this, but she
couldn’t stop herself from asking. “What? What were your parents right
about? What are you even talking about?”
“You! They think you’re too good for me, you think you’re too good
for everybody. You have this air of superiority about you, just like your
friends do. And when you do something wrong? It’s everybody’s fault but
your own. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you, Izzy. Or, I guess I
wasn’t enough period, but you knew who I was before you got yourself
involved with me. You decided to jump in and fuck it all up, anyway.” Each
word was spat with more venom, the anger in Cara spilling over the surface.
Each word stabbed Izzy right in the heart. Cara’s parents thought she
acted like she was too good? Like she was stuck up? She had thought
everything had gone okay with them. She had thought the meeting had been
fine. Why hadn’t Cara said anything?
“I — I — ” She was lost for words, so Izzy ended up doing what every
hurt person did… she hurt Cara right back. “I’m so sorry I was
uncomfortable with meeting your family after dating you for two seconds.
Don’t you think that was rushing into things just a bit? We barely had a
